dumblemop: (raw2)
Everybody's in Pennsylvania today.

._.

Jun. 9th, 2006 06:01 am
dumblemop: (poxed)
God, I just figured out that that little chime means it's on the hour. My mom's phone's been making weird noises alll night.

It's 6AM and I haven't been to bed yet. I need to stop doing that.

I also get to a point with people sometimes where I don't have anything to say. Liz and Kaitlyn write entries over on OD and I read all of them and I have thoughts about all of them but I can't make my words go from me to the note box, and if I do manage it they're just lame.

The good news? I'm finally all caught up on LJ friends. Finally. Now I can stop with the Sisyphus act and get some work done.

Link of the day: LEGO Escher.

You know, part of the fun of reading my friends page is showing nifty icons to Piper. It's just not the same when she's asleep.

I'm not really sure what to do with myself now that I have all of these new icons and new features like voiceposts and stuff.

It's light outside. Liz seems to have just woken up for her huge longass day, and I'm still not going to bed.

I feel like I had a point to making this entry besides delaying bed some more, but it's slipped my mind in this haze of exhaustion.

God. I need sleep. I need to stop this. I can't have my mom OK the Baltimore trip just to lose it because I decided to stay up all night for no reason.

I think I might be having mini gender crises spills lately because I just don't get enough sleep. Maybe that would be an indication that I should GO TO BED.

Good morning and good night, as I take my p0x3d behind off to bed.
dumblemop: (lamp)
So my plan was to have the entry about the teaching thing, and then write an entry about what I've been doing the last couple of days, and then I think there was supposed to be another entry but I can't remember what it was supposed to be for.

So I'm just going to write for awhile because I'm a little bit distracted because I'm here and everyone else is there. So the little tidbits I am getting are getting into my head and not getting out, making me smile and laugh in complete and utter astonishment, and I want to know more. And at the same time, I don't know if I get to know more or if it's even appropriate for me to ask. Sooo I'm just going to stew just a little bit longer and try not to let my imagination get away from me. And, you know, I miss you.

I should probably go to bed soon.

Belatedly cut for length... )
I'm not really sure where I'd intended to go with that originally, but these things never end up where I think they will. However, now I simply must go to bed because it's 3AM.
dumblemop: (lamp)
Start: 13:53

You can tell I was exhausted writing that entry because I had a "your" instead of a "you're" and I said "points" instead of "pounds."

Most of the time these days I feel fine. Sometimes missing you is so hard it's like a fist closing around my heart. Am I not being honest with myself the other times, or am I just that capricious?

My mom is freaking out today about my job prospects for the summer. Hawthorn's pre-camp staff training thing starts on the 4th and the application only went in on Friday. And Black Hawk won't look at my application until all the reference forms are in, but I'd only planned to work there the last two sessions, but I was counting on Hawthorn's staff training to give me the CPR cert I need too work for Black Hawk. My mom wanted me to look at other camps in like Minnesota but I never did, and I don't know if it's too late now. The Hawthorn/Black Hawk thing was a great plan but it really depended on me getting my applications done about a month earlier. So we'll see.

Now she wants me to look into Habitat for Humanity. Which, hey, "physical, practical work" and all that. Not that I don't want to do that, because it would probably be pretty awesome, but if anyone has any other suggestions I'd love to hear them. She'll probably want to brainstorm later. I really suck at this whole job thing. I suppose I could get an actual job at the library, shelving or check-out or something.

Yet another huge entry. )

And now I fear I'd better stop the song of elefop and telephong, because this entry is gigantic and I've been writing it all day. Also I need to find two new icons that represent the same emotions as the two I took down.

End: 20:34
dumblemop: (Default)
I'm home again, so guess what I'm doing?

That's right, I'm watching the gay channel.

I think of it as one of my guilty pleasures because I'm not entirely how I feel about the existence of a gay channel and the things it shows, but I can't stop watching it.

I find it absurdly fitting that the song that beats out Shakira's "Hips Don't Lie" for top music video of the week is a Rufus Wainwright song from the Brokeback Mountain soundtrack. Rufus seems to be the only song in there for LGBT reasons, even though they're supposed to be the top LGBT videos of the week. I guess the others are just in there for the pretty people. Well, they are pretty.

Songs and videos I am collecting from this week's NewNowNext:
"Sonido Total," The Pinker Tones
"Put Your Records On," Corinne Bailey Rae
"Is It Any Wonder," Keane
"Lola," Elefant
"Neighborhood #1," Arcade Fire
"Superstar Domestic," Glovebox
"Single," Natasha Bedingfield
"Unwritten," Natasha Bedingfield (this one was a top ten, not an N^3, but I liked it)
"Cash Machine," Hard-Fi
"Rooftops (A Liberation Broadcast)," Lostprophets

I watched a movie about a gay Canadian kid who wanted to take his boyfriend to his Catholic school's prom. Yeah, it wasn't that deep, but it was cute. On the one hand, I feel like I should be outraged by the trivialization of the issues and the cookie-cutter portrayal of good-gay vs evil-church...but on the other hand, straight people have a million cute, shallow movies about them. Why shouldn't we get a couple--do we always have to be on fucking political display? The movie also had Scott Thompson in it, which was really funny. I tried to tell Piper but I couldn't remember his name.

Haha, now they're playing the video for Dragostea Din Tei. I'm just waiting for one of those kids to get diced in the propeller blades. It's a good song though.

Cuttin' this here 'cause it's huge... )

It's 3:34 in the morning, and the movie that's on now isn't really grabbing me. Liz went to bed an hour ago but I was finally in the writing mood, so Pipe, here's your long entry, a couple hours late. Actually I was in the mood for something else but it turned into writing instead. And now that I've poured out everything in my brain, I simply must sleep.

Mmm, tea.

May. 28th, 2006 12:17 am
dumblemop: (smile)
I always go from these huge ass long entries to these little short entries.

Dan actually has a great voice. It's funny that I've never heard him sing before today.

Speaking of great voices, one of the painters who's been in the house lately has a really interesting voice, but I've never actually laid eyes on him. So it's a little weird.

Just had a poking war with Steve. It was fun, but it made me forget what I actually started this entry to say.

Oh, now I remember. I sort of drew Kaitlyn and Liz having sex today. It would have turned out a lot better if I hadn't started it in pen. So it's all in pencil except the body frameworks are in pen so it looks a little weird. I'm not sure if I'll be able to get rid of them because I drew it on yellow paper. I guess if we get the scanner working again I can just scan it in black&white and take out the pen lines.

Actually, I tried to do it twice, but I'm not finished with the second one. I'm not entirely happy with the first one besides those pesky frameworks. There's something seriously wrong with my perspective in the second one, I suspect, because I periodically attempt poses that are far beyond my ability to represent accurately. Especially because the focus of the second one is a particular expression of Liz's that I knew I'd never get right when I started it. But I needed to draw something.

It's hot, though. But I should probably stop being such a freak.

Steve and Kristin are upstairs making tea. I may go commandeer some. This really isn't a very welcoming group. I miss my Freedom people.

Aaaand I miss you. But you knew that.
dumblemop: (smile)
Forgive me. Faced with
your tears, faced with your triumph,
I offer silence.

I think I need to get over myself and just stop being weird.

X-men was fun. There wasn't cuddling, but there was tea. It was: Dan, me, Stephen, Kristin, Skylar, Miles, Mike, another Dan and his friend, and two other guys who came with Miles and Mike. So we saved eleven seats in the fourth row. There was a guy a couple of rows down who could've been Miles' heavier twin. It was freaky. I swear Dan knew everyone in that theater and the other one that was playing it. Then after the movie Dan, me, Stephen, Kristin, and Skylar went back to chill in Stephen's basement for a bit at like two in the morning.

It was a good time. Dan cut his hair, so now it's really short instead of really huge. Stephen's is long these days, it was always short freshman year; he looks a little like Derrick except his hair is browner. I always forget how attractive Steve really is until I see him again. Like whoa. I definitely had a crush on him freshman year. But then again, I also had crushes on Dan, CJ, Garance, Carly, Miles, Laura, and Casey. And I only just figured out that I'm polyamorous? :P

I think I figured out why I was looking up polyamory. I'd been reading Queen of Wands, and one of the characters is polyamorous. So I think I looked it up. I think there's something a little off in my chronology though.

In other news, I fucking hate this house. I just spent basically the last two hours horribly angry for no good reason. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with this house, but something is very wrong. John feels it too. I get angry for no reason, I stay angry for no reason, I snap at the dog, I yell at my parents, I refuse to do simple things that I wouldn't mind doing at all if I were anywhere else but here. And it's worse when my parents are angry at each other, which they usually are. I just hope whoever moves in here when we leave doesn't regret it.

And it smells like salmon upstairs, but it's actually just the paint fumes pervading every cc of the air. It's making me sick.

I had one of the most surreal dreams I've ever had last night. I wanted to write about it or paint it or something, but I'm losing it by now.

Today I decided: I need a fucking haircut or I'm fucking cutting it myself. I'm getting a little bit sick of this girl phase.

I don't know what my parents' problem is. They're always down on me for something. I've been home three days and already they're yelling at me. They're stressed about all the stuff to get the house ready, I get that, but do they have to take it out on me? I haven't spent all my time on the computer, I got up at 8:30 yesterday and Wednesday even on five and seven hours of sleep, I have juice with breakfast without having to be reminded, I eat breakfast before getting on the computer, I play with the dogs, I've made plans to spend time with people. And they're still acting like I'm not doing all those things. And they don't see me at school so they don't realize that this house turns me into a totally different person.

And it's been cloudy all day so it's dark like it's later than it is.

What the fuck is wrong with me? I'm crying, and I know there's no good reason for it and I can't stop. Jesus Christ.

Part of my problem is that I miss them...but I don't really think that's allowed anymore. I mean...in one sense I really am okay with this, but in another sense it's a little like, what else could I really be? And I think that's part of why it's hard to let go.

Well...whatever. I don't know how I'm going to simultaneously get back into the Gaia guilds I've neglected and spend less time on the computer, but I'm going to try. I've got books to read, poems and songs to write, and art to create (but no scanner...damn it).

Anyway. Love to all. Sorry for all the bitchy over-contemplativeness.
dumblemop: (pout)
My mom's watching some movie...about this woman who supports her family by winning jingle contests. The Prizewinner of Defiance, Ohio. And it has Julienne Moore in it but she looks disturbingly like Rose McGowan.

Finally, I have something to do. I'm going to see X-men 3 with Dan &co at midnight. Should be good. There probably won't be any cuddling but there might be tea, and I'll get to see them all again.

I miss you. Maybe one of these days I'll actually get to talk to you.

LATER: So I realized that I hadn't sent this entry until right before I was supposed to leave. It'd just kind of been sitting there for an hour and a half while I tried in vain to catch up on Deviantart. (I managed to get through 100 of my 269 deviations.) This is why it had the default image and no mood/tags/music.

So what I really wanted to say about the Prizewinner movie and why I brought it up at all, was that one of the woman's daughters was really cute. :P Tuff, the oldest one that's living at home for most of the movie. Really adorable.
dumblemop: (lamp)
Thought I'd rearrange my journal a bit for the summer...

New colors, new layout, new icons. Two of them may qualify for "stalkerish" at this point...but I like them... *pout* Just let me know.

In other news, I finished my applications to Black Hawk and Hawthorn Hollow today, but didn't get to mail them because everyone's working on the house. So we'll see if I have a job this summer. Well, we'll see if I have these jobs this summer, because I can't just lie around the house all summer and I can't just volunteer with the summer reading program either. Should've just done them earlier, but I didn't.

It felt good to write a poem yesterday. Now if only I could write actual songs instead of just lyrics and melodies.

So, Liz graduated today.

I didn't take a shower today, and probably won't get to because they painted the doors upstairs and we can't close them. Hopefully tomorrow.

I'm exhausted. I don't really know why. And the phone keeps ringing and it's giving me a headache.

In other news, I can play Maple Leaf Rag from memory again without screwing up too much.

Meh. I probably have to go and help out around the house now.

Why do I always get angry when my mother asks me to do things? I'm not really doing anything important, she just wants me to play with Shadow a bit (who seems to be doing better, by the way) and do the dishes. But as soon as she gives me that look and tells me to get off the computer, I get all resentful and mean. I don't spend enough time at home, I guess. I slide back into the person I've been at home for the last couple of years, the person who hates her mother and has no motivation. It's not really my home, I just live here. And I don't even really live here.

This place sucks me into a hole for some reason. All my motivation disappears, I get headaches, I sleep all day, I snap at my parents. Maybe there's just so much bad energy in here from all my family's fights. I mean, we've been here five years now, and in those five years my brother has changed schools four times and tried to kill himself at least three times, my parents have started legal proceedings for divorce three times and considered it at least three additional times, my parents fight all the damn time, my dad has moved out and moved back once, two of our dogs have died and one is sick... God. If only I knew anything about space cleansing.

And the whole house is full of paint fumes.

And I miss Liz. And I was already missing Kaitlyn. At least I'm relatively sure that they're happy, because they're together, even if there's other stuff that's not exactly optimal.

*bangs head on desk* Maybe I'll feel better with some honey.

I should do something to keep myself occupied. Writing the poem was good. I'm still reading my book and I've got more after that. I should re/start my webcomic, write the GV website, translate Loveless, draw erotic art, something.

Aaaaaaagh.
dumblemop: (piggyback)
I started reading The Well of Loneliness at dinner because I've sort of been feeling this lesbian thing lately and it's wonderful. Poor little Stephen is so adorable. I'm only 30 pages into it but I love it.

Ms. Anselmo recommended it to me freshman year when she was driving me back home after an Interact meeting. I can't remember why, I wish I remembered things like this better, I don't even know why I became a lesbian anymore. I looked it up in the library but I never could find it. (And now that I'm thinking about it I think that's because it was listed in the catalog as being written by somebody named Dickson or Dickinson and it's definitely not--because I know that the author is Radclyffe Hall, but I can remember looking for the book every week in the D's. Weird.)

Anyway, so I picked it up at Pride last year for, what, twenty-five cents? And I hadn't read it yet. I finished And She Was earlier (which was really good) and didn't really want to read the stupid labyrinth book and didn't really want to carry The Tin Drum to the dining hall, so I brought this one. And I love it so far. It's--and this is an awful thing to say--really restored my faith in lesbian literature.

I say that because the last book involving lesbians I tried to read was You're Not From Around Here, Are You (that I also picked up at Pride) over winter break and I got maybe four chapters into it and couldn't finish it. I moved onto At Swim, Two Boys instead (that I also picked up at Pride, go figure), the complete opposite of the spectrum, which I loved. For some reason I was just not getting into the story.

I'm going to try to read it again when I get home, because I don't think it had anything to do with the book itself. I think I was just in a weird place, and I'm in a better place now. The last lesbian book I read before that was Annie On My Mind sometime during senior year. I really liked that one, it was cute and sad at the same time. I think I might have had trouble getting into You're Not From Around Here because I've never been a 30-something lesbian in a long-term relationship living in Ohio or somewhere trying to inseminate. I have been an adolescent with crushes on other girls, and I've had lesbian teachers.

Ah, Salot and Fran. It's been awhile since I thought of them, I wonder how they're doing. Did the school ever come through and say they could live together? I think I remember something about that just before I left. I'll have to drop by and say hi when I go up to see everyone. Salot really did have a gorgeous voice. They were amazingly circumspect about it--I don't think I would have known if I hadn't been told--I wonder if that was just the way they naturally were or they were trying to be cautious.

But then again, I've never been an adolescent in love with other boys and grown men in circa-Easter Rising Ireland. So who knows.

Anyway. I'm sleepy now but I don't want to take a nap. I think I'll listen to music and read more.

My Google Desktop is stuffed chock full of little plug-ins. It's really rather neat. I'm growing...poppies, I think. Yeah, it's a bowl of poppies that I can water and they'll bloom. There's a laundry timer, weather, words-of-the-day, daily brain teasers, to-do list, notepad, calendar...and it all conveniently slots out when you click on things. :)

Speaking of words-of-the-day, I want to work in a library for real so I can use the phrase "take him to the stacks." Actually, it would probably be "take her to the stacks," because cute girls who read are much cuter than cute boys who read, and I think it would be much hotter to secretly make out with girls in a library than boys.

Chris and Matt asked me some interesting questions last night. Matt asked me if I was jealous, Chris asked me if I would ever have sex with a boy. What I actually said to Matt was "No, I don't really get jealous. I like to watch." And while I am a criminal voyeur, that's not all of it. Why should I begrudge someone I love happiness just because I'm not the one supplying it? It just doesn't make sense to me. I love to see anyone happy, espeically people I love. Matt said he gets jealous; I'm not really sure of what; but what people are usually jealous of is the attention of their loved one(s). But, for example, when Liz turns her head and says "mm, pretty girl," that's a Lizism that I love. 'There will always be women in rubber flirting with' her. :P And I'm really glad that they've worked somet hings out. She seems more relaxed and happy, and I am always down with that. I hope Kaitlyn feels better too. Think if I wrote to her over the summer, that would be okay?

What I said to Chris was "I don't know." And really, I don't, because I haven't. And boy, do I ever love sex with girls, but I have no experience with boys. I've never even kissed a boy since kindergarten, so how am I supposed to answer the sex question? And I suppose I can try anything once as long as it's reasonably safe, but it's not really a part of my life right now. So we'll see.

So, I'm going to go read some more now.

I woke up this morning and I didn't want to get dressed but I had to go to the bathroom and I didn't know if Alison was around (turned out she was asleep until 4PM), so I had to. So I was like "I haven't worn this shirt in months and I'd kind of like to wear it. *puts it on* I'm kind of into the layering thing lately, and I haven't worn this shirt yet. *puts it on*" And I looked in the mirror, and I'd been thinking about certain things while I was waking up, and I was like "huh. You can see my nipples right through these shirts. ... Ah, fuck it. *wears them anyway*"
dumblemop: (grip)
Yes, so I am being slightly contemplative, but I have half an hour to kill while my retainers soak.

It's a little funny because we really are back at that stage in a way, but with half a million doors closed this time. I do miss you. I don't need 'sweet princes' and charged sign language...but I miss that. It's working somehow, because you're moving out of the "I'm in love with you" space and more into the space that Tiff and Pipe and Ulrich have, but still in your own space of Liz. Because you are that important to me, just...with a different flavor now.

And I am a little bit going crazy because I haven't heard anything from Kaitlyn. It's getting under my skin. And I know she's at home she turned her computer in and you're her first priority and she has this distance thing and it's only Thursday, but nothing? I can't deal with nothing. "Hey, this isn't working, it's over" is hard enough, "hey, this isn't working, it's over, goodbye forever" I cannot handle.

I felt bad for having to tell Tiff no tonight. But at the same time, now I know that I can say 'no' when I need to. I've never had to say it before so I never really knew if I could. But I needed to, and I did, and as sorry as I was to have to do it, it still felt good in a way.

Anyway, my retainers are done, so I'm going to get some sleep so I can get a shower before Physics. My mom's coming tomorrow--she'll ask about plans. You know, I was about to ask what I could tell her and then I realized, I don't have to, because this is in my life too. That is a truly bizarre feeling. That's not a pattern that has any relevance to my life anymore, because my life is mine. It's these fucking pictures. I need to turn them off.
dumblemop: (faces)
I'm okay. I haven't done any work yet but I'm about to start, but I did laundry earlier. Shows that I'm coping properly by getting shit done. Piper wants to go to sleep but I want to listen to my music loud. I get backaches when I try to use my headphones because they're not long enough. I have donuts and ice coffee that I actually went out with people to get. Actually rather a lot of donuts because I only wanted 6 and they gave me 12.

Donuts anyone?

I'm really alright. I don't think I was overly contemplative but I did think. And I realized that it's hard for you not to stop talking to me if I'm not talking to you, so I'm going to keep my promise to myself about being brave and communicate better. Talk tomorrow? I'm sorry I just kind of turn off when it comes down to it. When it comes down to it, "it gives me belly rumblings when you guys fight." Since that is your song and all. So yeah. I'm alright. I feel a little silly for thinking and saying and doing some things, considering, but bottom line: I love you and you're not going to lose me and we'll talk. And it'll work.

On to physics, and then to bed. I'll...I don't know. Do math homework tomorrow morning. Because I figured out that if I do even okay on this week's homework and quiz, and if I did even okay on Friday's test, then if I get at least a B on the final exam I'll have a B for the class. Shouldn't be too hard, so I'll do my homework in the morning and then I can review for the quiz when I'm normally doing my homework.

86

May. 6th, 2006 12:03 am
dumblemop: (faces)
Well, the decision about 24-hour Plays is out of my hands...or not?

Holy fuck. I was about to say that I wouldn't be able to do 24-hour Plays because I had a math exam from 6-8 on the 20th, when 24s goes from the 19th at 8 to the 20th at 10...but I just checked the final exam schedule again and my math final is from 6-8 on the 19th. So I could do it.

Also. Something Johanna commented made me think: would I be so worked up about it if I were doing it because Ulrich or Tiff or Sara had brought my attention to it or were also doing it? Of course not. So why am I worked up about it because Liz brought my attention to it and is really excited about it? Because I'm in a relationship, and I have this terrible fear of invading her space, being too clingy, of only being in the way when she needs to get things done, when she needs to shine. I don't want to create eddies where there should be smooth sailing. If Liz had not been graduating and had decided to be on the Freedom board again, I wouldn't have run; shouldn't I also give her that space in her chosen field?

Well. Vanessa needs actors and techies. I have no tech experience and I just decided I'm not an actor. I'm going to email her anyway and say "Hey, I want to do this."

Just realized I should probably cut this here 'cause it's hella longer than I realized.

gender stuff )

And damn it. I came up with a beautiful phrase in Liz's room last night and I wanted to remember it and I've just remembered that I forgot.

relationship stuff )

Je veux me perdre dans vous parceque je ne veux pas ĂȘtre seul.

I told you I was crazy. I know I'm being crazy. That and I just haven't had enough sleep this week. Why do I write huge entries when I'm in these weird moods and only post quizzes when I'm doing well?

It's 2:15. The text that was originally in this space was "it's 12:30 and I promised myself I would go to bed now fifteen minutes ago." Then I went back and wrote some more, and I've been talking to Ayush for awhile.. Good conversation. I'm glad I have such good friends, I really am. Can't wait to add cuddling to talking in the fall. :) I'm in better headspace to sleep now anyway, the talking and writing evened me out. I think it's time I wrote another poem, but the phrase that would have seeded it is floating around in Liz's room somewhere. I'll have to move on to the next one if I want to write one.

show stuff )

Anyway. That's enough insomniacking for tonight. Love to all.
dumblemop: (grip)
I guess it's not exactly true that I get to know people by observing them--well, it's true, only I described it more literally than it is. Because I have several close friends who I have never met in person and will be unlikely to anytime soon, and I feel like I know them well enough. I've known Aeryes for four years, I've only been talking to Alex a lot these last couple of weeks but he's awesome, there's Kite - we're kidn of distant but he's got a lot of shit going on in his life, there's Art and Rave who I don't know all that well yet but I hope to, there's Ayush who I will be meeting next year, not to mention Ian and NG and Aaron and Derrick (remind me to talk to them more, I've been neglecting them for frivolous 'net pursuits), everyone else from AFG and GTG and NT. Observation and getting-to-know-you techniques are not limited to the visual.

Which I'm sure you know--you met online, didn't you?

I said I'd think about it. Still no definite conclusions but I'm putting words out there.
dumblemop: (angry)
Good question.

Why am I here? Where's my motivation? What happened to going to class because I like physics, I like math, I like computers, I like to learn?

It's like how I say I stopped acting because of her. If I hadn't had that relationship, if that relationship hadn't been fucked-up, would I have acted anyway? Sure, I did plays and musicals in middle school. Did I do any freshman year? No. Do I tell myself that's because I would never have been able to get to rehearsals with both my parents working? Yes. Is that the real reason? I don't know.

I would have teched. I don't know if I would've acted. I wouldn't have done debate. I would've done stage combat and frisbee, but probably not yoga or self-defense, and definitely not tennis or aerobics. I stayed in chorus but I wasn't brave enough to tell her the real reason, and half the reason I joined chorus in the first place was that Kristi wasn't talking to me. I would have stayed in ASC and GSAC, hell, I would have run ASC and GSAC. I would've gone back to camp. And I would have stayed friends with all those people I stopped talking to.

It's true that being in that relationship fucked me over big time, but how different would my life have been if it hadn't happened? Would I have flunked out of Choate? Because after all, I had a D in English fall term of sophomore year and that was before anything started. I did stay up all the night before my physics exam (which I got a 62! on) talking about llamas, but that didn't have anything to do with me not doing well in English. It did have something to do with me failing History winter term; I deliberately did not meet with my group in order to talk to her on IM--but that was a decision I made. She didn't make me not go, I didn't even tell her that I had somewhere to be. I chose to write that stupid email to Kristi, because of Lindsay. I can't blame other people for my own misguided and fucking stupid decisions, but I can't blame myself for other people's decisions either. Kristi didn't leave because of me, she left because of her. Lindsay wasn't a control freak and everything else because of me, that was all her.

Then there's the problem that I don't know how to be in a normal relationship. Do I want to be on the Freedom board because Liz was on the board or because I actually want to do it? I hadn't thought of it until Zach mentioned it--but it was Zach that mentioned it. Did I want to be on the Lit board because Lindsay was on it or because I wanted to do it? I'd wanted to do it since I'd gotten there, I was on Lodestar, but did I ever actually find out how to get on it until Lindsay wanted to do it? Do I want to do 24-hour play because Liz is so excited about it or because it's something that I would actually enjoy--and would I be able to enjoy it with Liz or would I be too worked up about worrying that I was copying her, that she didn't want me to be there, that I was out of place or not good enough?

In the end, what can I call my own? What is my motivation? Why am I angsting in an online journal instead of doing work? I skipped class. I skipped class because I had work and laundry to do. Alison is going to kill me...and I find myself not caring.

Does it matter what I have for myself and what I have through others? Isn't the only thing that matters that I give my all to whatever I'm doing, regardless of whether it was my idea or not? But that is exactly what I am not doing.

My mom thinks I've got my family's problems. Seasonal Affective Disorder, Bi-polar Disorder, depression. It would be a handy explanation, something to point to and say, this is why I'm weird. But I don't WANT that. I have enough excuses, I don't need brain chemistry and genes on top of that. It's exactly what I hate when my mother does it, and my father encourages it. I don't want to talk to a psychiatrist, I don't want to take 13 pills morning and evening, I don't want to be dependent on medication for my life. I'm not suicidal, I don't cut on myself or down bottles, I don't want to run away to California to be a waitress. I do sleep a lot or not at all--but that's college. I have had more trouble with school in the fall than the spring the last four years--but by that reasoning I should be fine now, and I'm apparently not.

The drinking thing has been bothering me lately because I don't have a reason for it. I had and have a reason for not smoking, it wasn't just because I wasn't 18 yet. I don't believe in a legal age where you can start killing yourself slowly. But I am still hypocritcal about it, because I don't know what to do around friends who smoke. I haven't had to deal with it until this year, this semester really, because I haven't had any friends who smoke, or at least not spent time with anyone while they were smoking. Liz has a rule where Kaitlyn can't kiss her for an hour after she has a cigarette; Liz has no problem with standing away from friends who are smoking and making these rules. Kaitlyn turned to me and said "but you don't have a rule" and I didn't know what to say. But I was talking about drinking. It was difficult Saturday night. It was less difficult last night because there were more people there; I can hold my own in groups. I just don't have a reason, it just something I don't do. I like to have reasons, because if I don't have reasons, then what the fuck am I doing? I'm underage, yes, but that's not it or I would have an answer when people asked me whether I would drink when I turned 21, and I don't. I don't know. There are alcoholism problems in my family, some of my grandparents, but I'm like an alcoholic who's never had a drink. I have to keep making that decision every time someone asks me, one "no thanks" at a time. It should be easy to do nothing but I don't have that reason.

I need me a purpose. I think it would be blue.
dumblemop: (faces)
I should have apple juice with my honey, but I'll have to make do with lemonade. I had a moment out in the field while I was coming back from Liz's. Wandered around and wrote a song off the top of my head. It even had a bridge, how weird is that? Let's see if I remember the words. If I can remember any of the words I'll record the tune so I won't lose it.

I've been walking
Just about all my life
And I've finally found the reason
The reason for this feeling
This joy welling up inside
It's because I've found two women
Who make everything alright


That's really the important part. The rest of it I'll only be able to remember clumsily, if at all. That and it's a little repetative.

You won't know how much I love you
Until you look into my eyes
Where you'll see the reason
The reason for this feeling
The joy welling up inside
It's because I love two women
And I'll be here all my life

It's a warm sunny May morning
And I'm missing you today

(Similar end to this verse as the others but I can't remember it.)

So I'm walking out this evening
And I'm writing down this song
To tell you both the reason
The reason for this feeling
This joy welling up inside
It's because I've found two women
Who make everything alright


There were like four other verses and a bridge, I was out there in the field for twenty minutes just walking where my feet took me and singing this song from my heart.

And people ask how I can be okay with this. People are weird.

All in all a good Beltane, but I shouldn't have gone to sleep. I am just kicking myself over that. Or at least I should have had my phone with me on full volume instead of in my bag on vibrate, and I should at least have gotten up when I set my alarm. Now I'm all awake but I still don't want to do my paper, but if I'm not doing my paper I have to be in bed. And if I don't do my paper now, I'll have to do it in the morning--but if I sleep now, I'll have some semblance of a normal schedule for tomorrow.

I'm not a very good pagan. I've been lazy lately and I feel kind of bad about that. I think I'm a good Unitarian. There's just something that feels inherently silly about generic Outer Court-influenced Neopagan stuff, especially when I don't have a group like ASC anymore, but the last thing I need right now is another excuse to slack off from work because I'm studying religions and philosophies hunting for what fits me. I fit me. I'm a Unitarian before I'm anything else, but I guess I'm just poly-religious as well as polyamorous.

I need to find other ways to express myself besides "I love you." I feel like people must get tired of hearing it. I told Kaitlyn I loved her today. I tell Liz too often and Kaitlyn not enough. I don't even want to think about summer.

Had a good conversation with Aeryes. See, this is why communication is an amazing thing. I mean, besides the fact that this whole relationship probably would not exist if it weren't for communication. I was telling him about Liz and Kaitlyn because we haven't talked in like...two months and I realized that I've known him for four years now. And I've avoided telling him about the gender thing for almost half of that because I do care about his opinions and I had no idea what his reaction would be and if he didn't know then I wouldn't have to deal with the consequences of him knowing. So I gave him my journal link and explained why I hadn't wanted him to see it when I'd started it. And he'd already guessed somehow and is fine with it as far as I can tell. Which is a little bit boggling but wonderful and a definite relief. 'Cause I was like "so..." and he was like "yeah...I kinda sensed that" and I was like "O_O;" and we talked and it's good. :)

So all in all, a good Beltane. Merry meet, merry part, and merry meet again. (This is something I need to take to heart so I don't end up sleeping on your landing.)
dumblemop: (piggyback)
And I will be the one to hold you down
Kiss you so hard
I'll take your breath away
And after I wipe away the tears
Just close your eyes, dear


Mmmmm. Knew I liked that song for a reason. Hey, it's Beltane, today of all days, I am allowed to think such things without embarrassment or explanation.

I changed into a yellow and blue skirt and a yellow "top" (as opposed to a shirt, apparently) because it's Beltane and my mood is picking up after a decided zoned Physics test this morning. You can kind of see my bra through the shirt, but I've decided I'm not awake enough to care.

I only came back to my room to change, so now I will go out again and enjoy the nice weather and also get some food before I crash. I cannot believe I'm still awake. I can't believe I actually made it to physics.

Don't let me forget that my new advising meeting is tomorrow at 2 with Spore.

I'm looking forward to this weekend, a lot, but make sure I do my design for Project 5 this week and I don't leave it to the weekend.
dumblemop: (grip)
I was late to my advising meeting so I have to go at 2 tomorrow instead. Oh well.

To kill time because I don't feel like getting started on actual work just yet, I'm going to do the iPod shuffle lyrics thang again ).

I've got "class" at 11 which I may or may not stay for depending on how I did on my quiz/homework. Then I'll eat something and go to my next class. Then I will write my paper for at least two hours, see Liz for food when she gets off work, and then sleep. If I'm not done with my paper in those 2+ hours, I'll wake up again in the evening and do more work.

John apparently got the same graduation present I did, part of it anyway--money for a trip to Europe. He wants to go to Italy with Evelyn, but there's something going on with that? So it'll either be my brother and his girlfriend traipsing around Italy, or my brother stalking Italians. So what am I going to do with my money? I have no idea. We went to France with Bridget and it was great but she'd been my best friend for four years and we were what, twelve? I don't know if I have any friends now that I can just be like "hey...let's go to Europe" and we'd go and it would be great. I don't even remember what the arrangement was supposed to be...it was something like airfare for me and the other person and expenses for me, but the other person would have to pay the rest of theirs. So it's not like I can just pick someone out of a hat. I could always go somewhere in the US that I haven't been.

I don't know. My parents are just getting on me to use the money now that John will be using his, and I don't like that kind of pressure. I don't get enough sleep to think about this right now. And, of course, whenever I come up with ideas I'm still expecting that slap in the face. Did you see me cringe?

I could go visit Alex. That would actually be fucking awesome. But again, who would I take? It's not like my French is worth anything anymore, so England is kinda the most practical. But how are my parents going to take "I'm going to mosey over to England now to hang out with Alex and his piratical mates, and Nathan and Sophie. No, I've never met them in person, but--" Yeeeah, that's about how far that would get.

Anyway. I've slacked enough, I have class, and it looks like there'll be a class in here at 11 as well so I'd better get going. I'll think. If anyone has any suggestions or any burning desires to go somewhere (Pipe, Wyoming? lol.), I'll consider it.

P.S. Happy Beltane! I forgot until the teacher of the class that is in here now started talking about May Day traditions. ...I should probably go.

nurr

Apr. 30th, 2006 06:12 pm
dumblemop: (angry)
TYPE J
You scored 62 imagination, 41 confidence, 41 dominance, and 62 generosity!

You are a KINKY, SHY, SUBMISSIVE lover who prefers to GIVE. This means
that:

You like relatively kinky sex, and you have the great imagination that
will always keep your partner guessing and excited! There's no getting
bored with you around, you could never settle for dull sex, you want
something fun and new all the time. You aren't afraid to try out
anything you hear about. You might just be an intelligent lover who
needs to be mentally engaged, or perhaps you have some dirty dark
secret kinky desires, but either way, you're never boring.

You can be a
little shy in bed, so maybe this means that you'd prefer to have sex in
the dark, or maybe just that you have all sorts of naughty ideas
bubbling under the surface but can't quite work up the confidence to
speak about most of them. Sometimes it takes you a while to speak up
about what you like, and you aren't very confident in your talents but
I bet your lovers would say otherwise, I'm sure your sweet nature is
far more welcome than egotistical boasting.

You tend to be submissive
in bed, so you prefer to go along with what your lover likes rather
than your own plans. You might like being ordered around and acting out
a slave/master fantasy, or perhaps you just get turned on by being
helpless and unable to move. Or maybe it's as simple as you lacking
courage so prefering firm instructions in bed to make sure you are
doing things right. Either way, you won't be dominating your lover
anytime soon, and might prefer the missionary position to any others.

You prefer to give than recieve. This makes you a very unselfish lover,
devoted to the needs of your partner rather than your own. You get your
pleasure from seeing them get theirs, you are a model sex partner. I'm
sure plenty of people would love to have someone like you in bed with
them! Remember though that if your partner gets pleasure from returning
the favour it's okay to let them, they might love giving as much as you
do!

WE SUGGEST YOU TRY:
Fun and games! Try out those sex games for a lively evening, wether it
be spinning that bottle, playing naked twister, or strip poker, we know
you have the imagination and the sense of fun that will make these
games a great time, and will mean you get to give your lover a wild
time! Playing games will help you feel less shy and will give you
plenty of instruction so you dare to do what you might not have before.



My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:
free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 37% on imagination
free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 19% on confidence
free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 33% on dominance
free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 37% on generosity
Link: The What's your sexual style? Test written by lu-mina on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

Interesting. Although I find it ironic that I definitely said "would rather have sex with the lights on" and the write-up says off. And I love kinky sex but may prefer the missionary position the best? Stupid test is heterocentrist anyway.

After a tiny bit of thought, I may only like the idea of straight sex. I may never understand myself, but that's less of a problem every day.

I was being less than honest with myself earlier...the real reason I was reluctant to add Jillian was because she always checked J's LJ when we were at school. And I realized today that the person I knew probably doesn't exist anymore, and I said "fuck it" to the internet stalking a couple of entries back, so the hell with that.

Update on the weekend and further musing later, I'm supposed to be programming.

Here's a link:
ASCII-O-Matic
And the related Rasterbator

P.S. I just figured out that I was making a STUPID mistake and that's why my program wasn't running properly. It wasn't anything to do with *s and &s at all!
dumblemop: (grip)
Don't forget! May 5th is No Pants Day.

Speaking of not having anything to wear, unless I'm really brave enough/allowed to go to class in my actual underwear, I have nothing to wear on NPD. My shorts which double as underclothes are only doubling as underclothes and thus would fall under the category of "pants substitute" which are not allowed. Obviously I do not own a slip.

Lol, consider this an APB for boxers.

My dad wants to come up and see me the weekend after that. There's some kind of CWIT picnic.

I just stalked a bunch of Choaties' journals. Including Kristi's, for some perverse reason. We'll see if she remembers me/cares. For some equally perverse reason, I stopped before I added Jillian's. Why add Kristi and not Jillian? Who knows. Maybe because I never did get along with Jillian anyway, despite whatever.

I have to admit, I almost wish my cellphone would go off in the middle of math class just so I would have to stand on the desk and sing the Choate song. Because that's the rule, and it's happened to like 10 people and none of them know their high school's fight song.

I'm trying to be more transparent, like I used to be. I'd gotten pretty damn sick of hiding and lying. Know what I told my mom about the spring break stealage? "Liz is my friend from Freedom Alliance. After NY we're going to her girlfriend's school to watch her drag show and then we'll stay at Kaitlyn's. And I've met Kaitlyn, so." Because she has this thing about me going off with people she hasn't met. Then again, if I had told her the whole story then, I probably would not have been able to go. "--And I've met her girlfriend." Understatement of the decade, Mom.

I decided to do the smart thing and curtail something I was going to say and say it directly to the person who needed to hear it. Basically, I need to chill out, get my work done, and love my girls. I'm not sure in what order.

I think I am going to start leaving interesting links at the ends of my posts, for y'all's entertainment and education. Two to start with because I recently rediscovered the first one and "stumbled" across the second one and they are both awesome.

PostSecret
ZEN

Profile

dumblemop: (Default)
dumblemop

December 2013

S M T W T F S
1234567
891011121314
15161718192021
222324 25262728
293031    

Syndicate

RSS Atom

Most Popular Tags

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags
Page generated Sep. 23rd, 2017 04:16 pm
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios