Don't Want to Say Goodnight

Rock on. Now I have something specific to fill in my Phish monologue with. I have to write it, and it'll take editing of course, but it'll be awesome. Although I doubt I will ever have the opportunity or courage to actually perform it, it'll be awesome.

I'm at home. I've been alternately packing and slacking. I got some done though, so that's good. Tomorrow I really do have to brave the basement, though.

I got cleats! Now I will be a proper Ultimate player and not have to play tournaments in Converse. It doesn't sound like the season will be starting for a couple of weeks though. I'm not even sure who's in charge of the team now--I don't know if Pat graduated or not. Looks like Vicious is still with us, so maybe it's him. Or if Team O! is still alive with Bullet gone. I guess we'll see.

I checked the women's cleats first, just in case--and no luck, just as I thought. For one thing the colors are ridiculous. For another thing, they didn't have any 10s in any of the four styles they carried. So I looked through the fifteen styles of men's cleats and found a pair of black-and-white 9.5s that fit. Rock. Really brings back my soccer days. I miss soccer.

I did not, however, get my new computer yet. We took too long at Sports Authority and Bed Bath & Beyond to make it to the Apple store before it closed. So I'll have to get it tomorrow.

Also, tomorrow I get my hair cut. Hm. "Short" is usually the only instructions I give, since I usually just want to get rid of the way it curls up at the sides. And then there's the dilemma of it feels weird when it's too short, but if I don't cut it really short then I have to cut it more often. Soooooo.

My mom is watching Thelma and Louise in the family room. I'm in the kitchen on her computer. My cellphone decided to inexplicably whack out on me, so I'm not entirely sure how effective a call from Trin will be, but I'm hoping.

I miss camp. I don't miss the drama, but I definitely miss the people. Well, I miss having "people" around in general, and then I miss a few very specific people. Hemlock Knoll Pact, you know who you are, and I am thinking of you.

Adriann and Tiara are awesome and we should have a roadtrip to see them--although California is significantly farther away than New York. Damn graduates.

I read Watchmen yesterday and today. Finished it about half an hour ago I guess. I really don't have a lot to say about it, I guess I'm still digesting it. It was really...I don't know. I caught a lot the first time through, I think--I definitely noticed things my brother didn't--but I'll probably have to read it again and even look things up to get all of it. But yeah, I definitely recommend it.

It'll be weird to be back at school. But good, I think. It'll be busy. I need to move-in, and reconnect with Pipe and Alison and Lauren and all the floor--and god, the new freshmen! I totally forgot about them. Well...I'm not really a scholar anymore. But at least I can be a good reverse role-model? It'll be good to see everyone again and get back into things. I'll have Freedom stuff to do, and books to buy, and classes to actually attend and actually do work for... So it's probably a good thing Booya isn't starting up immediately, so I have time to get used to my space before getting really busy.

Hee hee. I've been imagining Trin and Alison bonding over mutual worship of Coffee all day and it has afforded me much amusement.

I'm glad that my roommates are good people.

I'm glad about a lot of things. I'm happy, I'm in a good place, I have amazing and wonderful people in my life that I can learn from and give to. It's good.

Okay, so a semi-real entry today, although not much of a one because it's rather late and there's stuff I have to be doing tomorrow. Stuff like getting Father's Day gifts and finishing my room.

I went to an absolutely wonderful play tonight with my parents. The Drawer Boy by Michael Healey. It has three actors, it's set in Canada, and it's beautiful. It's hilarious, and poignant, and it's real even though it's ridiculous.

Something I just remembered after reading a totally unrelated mialamu entry: when Ben (Liz's-new-roommate-Kate's Ben) was giving me a tour of his house, he offhandedly mentioned his Illuminati game. And I was going, I've heard that name before, but where...? and then I remembered. I played it with Lindsay and Jon and nimue9 and veganstatesbest and kamili and others--possibly Paul, Kayla, mialamu, and twoscoopsofruit?--the first time I was in Chapel House, maybe the second or third week of school. I remember being horribly confused by the game, and horribly awkward around people who knew each other very well but I didn't know so well, but very glad to snuggle with Kris. :) And I had totally forgotten said memory until Ben mentioned the game.

I think teaching may not be such an incomprehensible choice after all. This week at camp didn't really feel like work for some reason. I felt invincible. When she picked me up at the train station, my mother asked, "So were you just a camp counselor goddess?? :D" and I cringed--but the concept isn't that far off the mark. Not that I'm an amazing counselor, because I was totally out of my depth in dealing with some of the stuff we had, just that it seemed to fit me somehow.

I mean, I was definitely eager for my two hours of break time every day by the end of the week, but the intervening time didn't feel like work like cleaning my room or reading my Physics textbook does. I had a splitting headache Thursday afternoon and evening, but I was an energetic Toad right through it. It's frankly a little ridiculous. We'll see if I feel the same way by the end of the summer.

I feel different at camp. Bolder. At least around the kids--I'm pretty much the usual Rob around just the staff. It was really interesting watching myself subside into my regular self as I left camp on Friday. It was also interesting to hear similar things that Liz always says to me coming out of Trinity's mouth. She didn't say them like Liz does, but it was the same basic "Rob never speaks; he should speak more" concept.

Trinity is a puzzle. Not once has she used female pronouns in reference to me. And I am dead serious, not once. Like, am I that obvious? Or is she just good at recognizing the signs because of who her friends are?

There was a lot of gender stuff going on this week. I got a huge kick out of it too. I was highly amused because two of the counselors are Charm City Boys. I was asked twice to my face by campers if I was a boy, and apparently other counselors were also asked about me. And half the staff had adopted male pronouns by the end of the week after numerous "mistakes" made it obvious that I didn't mind in the least. We played the "switch with me" game Thursday night and someone called out "Switch with me if you're a girl"--so there's me, blithely not moving an inch while everyone else looks for another pair of shoes. The kids are mostly like "what the hell" and the staff are mostly "yeah, so?" about it. And I'm not the only one.

Yeah, so to all the crew who were like "Girl Scout camp? WTF?" when I told y'all about it--this is fucking awesome.

I don't really know how I feel about pronouns in general. From strangers, I'm tickled pink to get assumptions that I'm male and disappointed/annoyed as hell to get assumptions that I'm female. From friends, either one is fine, but interestingly. I don't mind female pronouns from friends like the CWIT crew; I expect it, I'm used to it, it just suits those relationships. Female pronouns from my brother don't rankle because despite my non/gender-ness I don't think we have a brotherly relationship. (My parents are a different story because it makes me feel like they don't care--which I know is ridiculous because it's my responsibility to say something if it bothers me and I haven't.) Male pronouns from the FA crew make me feel...safe. And now it's the same with camp. It's very odd. I feel protected, sheltered when people use hes instead of shes. It's a feeling like being stroked on the head.

Another thing about camp is that the lines of drama have already been drawn after three weeks of contact--but I've missed two of those weeks, so I'm not included in them. So I'm not fighting with anyone yet, as far as I know. I get all the sides because people vent to me as neutral territory. I actually like that. I'm not very good at giving feedback and I don't like it when people expect me to take sides, but I like knowing what's going on. I guess I'm just a hopeless gossip. :P

I hope the rest of the summer continues as well as the first week went, despite all of the issues there were to deal with. One thing I do know is that I'm suffering from a serious dearth of cuddling. After that intense weekend of cuddling, I was busy getting ready for camp for that week, and then busy at camp the next week, and I haven't gotten any cuddles since. Trouble did this weird thing Friday morning at flag ceremony where he sort of snuggled into my side and put his head on my shoulder--which was nice but how the hell do you react to that? And Dragonfly sort of hugged me Thursday night and I think she kissed the top of my head in the process?--which was also nice but how the hell do you react to that? But what really made me realize that I need some cuddling is that one of my campers touched my necklace because she was admiring it and I caught my breath a little because I wasn't expecting it.

I just want to curl up in a pile with someone(s) and relax. Obviously there are a few someones who are high on the list but I'll take cuddling from whoever.

I think that's about it for tonight because it's 3AM and I didn't really want to stay up so late. I'm sleepy and I shouldn't be exhausted for going back to camp--because although I go to bed earlier and get more sleep than I do here, it's not as good sleep on those damn cots. Tomorrow I will most likely be pretty busy but I think there are a few more thoughts bouncing around in here.

I'm amused: "Being poly means you never run short of people to help you beat up other people."

I got donewithmorals's graduation present with my dad today. I think it's awesome. I think I got sir'd (as opposed to served) by one of the employees but my dad was standing next to me so I'm not sure who it was directed at.

Then we went to Borders. Yay! We really went there to get Tess of the D'Ubervilles so I could read it at camp and have an idea of it before having it as a class. It'll make me want to read A Prayer for Owen Meany again. So I get Tess and then I wander off to look for fun books. I meet my dad at the cafe fifteen minutes later than he wanted me to with a huge stack of books:

1. A Breath of Snow and Ashes, Diana Gabaldon
This is the sixth Outlander book, and I love the series, but I decided not to read it because it's still in hardback and if I read it right away I'll have to wait forever for the next one--unless, I suppose, it ends in this book, but then it would be over anyway.
2. Lord John and the Private Matter, Diana Gabaldon
So I was going to get this one, because I <3 John Grey. I almost got this one, but I could only get two and as much as I <3 John Grey, the book's only ten bucks and I'll see it again at some point.
3. The Dragon Token, Melanie Rawn
I have been looking for this book since I first moved here. I took Dragon Prince to Japan, and then I read the next three in pretty short order, but this one has never been in the bookstore whenever I go looking for it. So I got it, since it was there.
4. Kushiel's Avatar, Jacqueline Carey
This is the third Kushiel book. I love these books but I decided not to get it because if I read the last one, that'll be the end.
5. The Crystal City, Orson Scott Card
This is the sixth and I think last book in the Alvin Maker series. I started reading them when I got the first three for my 17th birthday. I decided not to get this one because it's quite a short book and I didn't feel the urgency to get it NOW.
6. A Kiss of Shadows, Laurell K. Hamilton
I adore Anita Blake but I'd never read the faerie ones for some reason. I think I just wanted to finish the vampires before I got into faeries, even though the library had both. But Kate really got me into the idea of reading them over the weekend so I thought I'd pick it up. I decided against it because the library does have them.
7. Nightseer, Laurell K. Hamilton
I stumbled across this one in the Science Fiction/Fantasy section while looking for her other books (which were filed under Horror instead). It's her debut novel and I thought it would be neat to read it, and I'd never seen it before, but it's tiny and I wasn't really sure that her first novel would compare to the rest of them so I didn't get it. I didn't really need to read it because I didn't know what it would be like.
8. Blue Moon, Laurell K. Hamilton
This is the only Anita Blake that I haven't read yet. Everything else from Laughing Corpse to Micah I've now read, but the library doesn't have this one. I decided against it because, after all, I've waited this long to read it, I've read the story that comes afterwards, I can wait a little longer to find out what happened in Tenessee. Since I started with Obsidian Butterfly because I thought it was the first one, I'm a little curious as to the allusions made in that book (because it's the one that comes right after it), but I can wait.
9. Pagan Polyamory, Raven Kaldera
I had totally forgotten that I wanted to read his books until I stumbled across this in the Magic section. So obviously I got it.
10. A Book of Pagan Prayer, Ceisiwr Serith
I just thought this was sort of nice. However, it was 20 bucks for a little book and I wasn't sure that I would ever really use it, so I didn't get it.

So he told me I could only get two, so I decided on The Dragon Token and Pagan Polyamory after another ten minutes. I looked at the tarot case but I didn't really feel like asking anyone to look in it and anyway the packages are sealed so I just peered at them through the glass. I did notice the catalog of decks above the case so I went through and took down the names of ones that looked interesting so I could remember/locate them later.

Aaaand speaking of magic and tarot and other pagan goodies--tomorrow is Midsummer, and as usual I have nothing planned. I wonder if I can scrounge something up at least as an observance if no actual workings.

This morning my mother asked me whether I thought seven was okay for dinner and my first thought was "No, I have Freedom board."

So we went to dinner when we got back from shopping at this place in the next town over. My mom and godmother swear we went there last year--I'm willing to give them the benefit of the doubt because I may vaguely remember being there before, but it definitely wasn't at graduation. I had a Caesar salad, mashed potatoes, and cheesecake; it was really good. Decent conversation as well. The funny thing was that I was sir'd the whole evening. I did have my binder stuff on, but I didn't really think I was passing that well, especially compared to my brother, but apparently I was. All the waiters did it. It was pretty cool.

There's something in my ear. There's always something in my ear. I get these sores or something and then wax gets stuck to them, so I try to get the crustiness out of my ear but that opens the sore so it hurts. Sorry to be gross, but it's paining me.

I hate YouTube because it doesn't let me finish any videos. I wanted to watch the Daily Show episode where Jon Stewart reams Bill Bennet because I missed it on TV, but I can't watch it all the way through. I did get to watch a segment of an earlier show dealing with gay marriage which was hilarious. And now I know where those turtlefucking LJ icons come from.

I'm going to end this entry now so I can make an attempt to go to bed, because it's 1AM. I know I won't go to bed immediately, but at least this acknowledges that I should. Love to all.

Okay, this is a little early but I want to make sure that people have time to see this and reply.

I will be at Camp Conowingo from June 24-August 14, roughly. I may find some time to be online, depending on whether I can beg rides to a library on my days off, etc. I may even find some time to see some Baltimore kids if anyone wants to see me badly enough to come get me, depending on my schedule.

Since I don't know how my online/cell interaction will work out, but I'd like to keep in touch, here's the point of this entry: Reply to this entry with your address over the summer (comments will be screened) and I'll snail-mail you.

Real but possibly vague entry to follow eventually.

Wow.

I just got a graduation announcement from Elli.

It came as a little card addressed to "[me] and Family," and I was staring at the address and thinking "I know that address. Whose address is that?" And I didn't open it and my mother urges me to do so because she wants to know who it's from and I looked up at her and I said "I think it's from Elli. I think that's her address. Because it looks disturbingly familiar."

She went to West. I would've gone to Verona. We only lived one street away from each other. I could walk to her house in five minutes and frequently did.

There's a picture attached to the card. I guess it's her senior picture.

It's on the 10th and 11th. They mailed the card on the 26th. I can't believe it takes four days for mail to get here. It would have been nice to know earlier, but Elli has been incommunicado for four years. From the way my mother reacted I doubt I would be able to go if I asked.

Suffice to say that I'm a litte disoriented today.

Oh, also, I called the number to activate my bank card while Mom was out. Eat that, phone.

I'm home again, so guess what I'm doing?

That's right, I'm watching the gay channel.

I think of it as one of my guilty pleasures because I'm not entirely how I feel about the existence of a gay channel and the things it shows, but I can't stop watching it.

I find it absurdly fitting that the song that beats out Shakira's "Hips Don't Lie" for top music video of the week is a Rufus Wainwright song from the Brokeback Mountain soundtrack. Rufus seems to be the only song in there for LGBT reasons, even though they're supposed to be the top LGBT videos of the week. I guess the others are just in there for the pretty people. Well, they are pretty.

Songs and videos I am collecting from this week's NewNowNext:
"Sonido Total," The Pinker Tones
"Put Your Records On," Corinne Bailey Rae
"Is It Any Wonder," Keane
"Lola," Elefant
"Neighborhood #1," Arcade Fire
"Superstar Domestic," Glovebox
"Single," Natasha Bedingfield
"Unwritten," Natasha Bedingfield (this one was a top ten, not an N^3, but I liked it)
"Cash Machine," Hard-Fi
"Rooftops (A Liberation Broadcast)," Lostprophets

I watched a movie about a gay Canadian kid who wanted to take his boyfriend to his Catholic school's prom. Yeah, it wasn't that deep, but it was cute. On the one hand, I feel like I should be outraged by the trivialization of the issues and the cookie-cutter portrayal of good-gay vs evil-church...but on the other hand, straight people have a million cute, shallow movies about them. Why shouldn't we get a couple--do we always have to be on fucking political display? The movie also had Scott Thompson in it, which was really funny. I tried to tell Piper but I couldn't remember his name.

Haha, now they're playing the video for Dragostea Din Tei. I'm just waiting for one of those kids to get diced in the propeller blades. It's a good song though.

( Cuttin' this here 'cause it's huge... )

It's 3:34 in the morning, and the movie that's on now isn't really grabbing me. Liz went to bed an hour ago but I was finally in the writing mood, so Pipe, here's your long entry, a couple hours late. Actually I was in the mood for something else but it turned into writing instead. And now that I've poured out everything in my brain, I simply must sleep.

So I'm at the LAN party. Mom bizarrely let me borrow her laptop, which is why I'm able to be updating this right now. I really need me one of these. I was just going to hang out and watch people play games...but that seems to be what most of the girls are doing.

So my mom sees the set-up because she came by to drop off her computer, and then she gets home and calls me and decides that I can't spend the night. So now her deal is that if there are fewer than six girls spending the night, including me, I have to call and one of my parents will pick me up. She thinks it'll be unsafe otherwise.

Now, this is the tamest crowd ever. Like, I won't even get wanted cuddling, let alone unwanted cuddling. Stephen's parents are here. I can take care of myself. And she doesn't want anyone here to take me home because Miles rolled his car the morning after the last one. Now, she heard this story from Stephen's mom. What really happened is that Miles' mom made him go out shopping with her the morning after, in separate cars, and within sight of his house on the way back from shopping, Miles rolled his car. If his mom had driven him, if his mom hadn't made him go out again after staying awake all night, there wouldn't have been a problem.

Thankfully there are six girls staying, excluding me, so I don't have to lie to my parents or go home.

And I think my parents don't really understand the gender thing after all, given the way my mother has been reacting to these gatherings lately. Her first question when she was asking me about the X-men excursion the next day was "were there any other girls there?" I should have responded something along the lines of "Kristin was the only girl there," but I didn't. I may need to sit down with them and have an actual talk about this because I'm not sure they really understand it.

Oh, and the real reason that I wanted to write an entry just now (the complaining was just a sidenote)? There is a reaaaally cute girl here. She's little and she's got reddish-brown hair that comes down to her waist. But, I don't know her, and this is so not the crowd to be obvious about it. I keep half-hearing Dan making "gay" comments, and he should know better. One of the guys I don't know was making some fuss about his roommate turning into a woman earlier, and was somehow tying this to the fact that he was an asshole. I tried to explain that being a woman was an entirely separate issue from being a drug-addict and a jerk and getting kicked out of school. I'm not sure he understood.

So I'm not exactly sure how I feel about staying the night myself if there's anymore evidence that the people here are going to be jerks, so we'll see.

I'm being antisocial because I don't know how to play these games and don't feel like learning, and no one's really playing them right now in the first place. So I have something to do tonight, but it's a great deal less fun than Liz's party would be. But oh well.

I'm used to leaving for the summer. I'll be back next year. Why does it feel different this year?

I need food. I think I'll write more later.

EDIT: Also, WTF? I was asleep for almost ten hours last night and I didn't bleed a drop. It's only been, what, less than four days? I do not have three-day periods. I'm confused.

Also, found a new webcomic. :D Pretty girls with swords: Flux. There's not all that much of it yet, but it's really good so far. Updates Saturdays.

[00:19] Piper: Wyoming
• An ordinance in Newcastle specifically bans couples from having sex while standing inside a store's walk-in meat freezer!
[00:19] Rob: god, a meat freezer? jesus christ.
[00:19] Rob: is that like the "30 below club"?
[00:20] Piper: lol
[00:20] Piper: moves to wyoming so i can rest assured that my meat is clean
[00:20] Rob: xD
[00:21] Piper: "we don't fuck around with meat"

[00:37] Piper: oklahoma: • Molesting an automobile is illegal.
[00:37] Rob: I WAS JUST ABOUT TO SAY THAT.

[00:41] Rob: Tennessee: "Any person crippling, killing or in any way destroying a proud bitch that is running at large shall not be held liable for the damages due to such killing or destruction."

so like, a female dog in heat, or a feminazi?
[00:41] Piper: hopefully the latter.
[00:41] Piper: who'd want to kill a puppy

[01:02] Piper: i always feel awkward when doctors ask me if i'm sexually active
[01:02] Piper: but i think just once it would be fun to say "no, i just lie there"
[01:05] Piper: make them feel awkward for once and be like "oh, i-i thought you meant... oh..."

And god, the whole thing with the hot chick on the TV. I can't help it.

Links of the day:
Suicidal Bunnies - so wrong, and yet so hilarious
Kung Fu Science - the physics of martial arts

I stopped being able to concentrate on my project about...two hours ago, so I'm going to head towards bed. If you catch me not working on it tomorrow, though...um...hit me with a shoe.