Don't Want to Say Goodnight

I had an interesting weekend.

Friday I was supposed to be on the Towson bus because that was how I'd gotten back to camp on Sunday--but it left without me.

Token got in a car crash--she's fine, but the van was totalled and the other party(ies) had to be helicoptered out.

One kid didn't get picked up until 9pm, so Jade and I hung out with her for awhile and watched Labyrinth. Best movie ever. Jade didn't even know who David Bowie was. It was disappointing.

Then those of us going left for Trinity/Mad River's house so they could shower and change. We didn't get to the bar until like, midnight-fifteen and stayed until two. I, of course, sat/stood around and watched, but it was still fun. I met some of Trin's friends.

There was fighting on the way back to the house. We were supposed to go to breakfast with some of Trin's friends but we didn't. So I watched some of St. Elmo's Fire with Trin and then we went upstairs to have breakfast at 4am. (Bacon...... :D) Then we all went to sleep.

Saturday I didn't wake up unti about 2pm. Then we went to Artscape. That was pretty cool. We walked around the little booths for awhile--there was one filled with books (random sci-fi books for 50 cents!) that I was eying but you know how I hate holding up the group, so I didn't stop and when we went back later it had closed up because of the rain.

We saw the Baltimore Symphony Orchestra play and it was fucking AMAZING. First they did this industrial waltz thing that was so cool. And then they played a piece that one of the musicians had written, which he played his part on some kind of synth woodwind that was awesome. Then there was an Ireland/Appalacia/Texas fiddle tune medley, and then she played a piece on an ELECTRIC VIOLIN. I saw her playing with it before the conductor introduced the next piece and I was all "*gasp* OMG is that what I think it is??" and it WAS. And then the bassoon section came back in for the last piece dressed as Hell's Angels, because that was what the piece had been inspired by. It was so fucking cool.

Then we had food at XS. I was lusting after Mad River's avocado maki but I didn't ask for one--but we shared the edamame. It was a pretty cool place. I had breakfast food. Our waitress was cute. She had a violin or a cello or something tattooed on her spine, and stars tattooed just inside her shoulders--like, underneath her collarbone, but out to the sides? Just inside the straps of her top.

Then we went back and watched a band play. It sounded like it was called G-lah or G-love or something--I wasn't too clear. Trin tried to get me to dance. Yeah no. But it was fun.

I've discovered something about the things I can and can't do though. I can't dance with anyone I'm not dominant to. Like I'm not dominant to Liz or Jo or Chole or anyone in that group, so I wasn't doing too well at Pride. And I'm not dominant to Mad River or Trinity or Captain Planet, so dancing on Friday or Saturday was not happenining, not to mention that Trin's friends are intimidating, Mad River makes me nervous, and I kind of have to keep my eyes off of Trin when she's dancing or I'll just stare. I could "dance" at the luau the other week and at the Pax Tu party this week because I'm dominant to the kids, and I act like a freak around Piper all the time because I'm equal or dominant to her too. Not that I've tested it, but I could probably dance with Jade because I'm dominant to her--I have to be so she doesn't suck me under. It's an interesting theory.

Then we went back to their house and we watched American Splendor. I hadn't heard of it before but the movie was horrible and hilarious, with a mix of actors, drawings, and the real people. Then Mad River and Captain Planet went back upstairs and Trin and I watched most of Tomb Raider--except I wasn't paying much attention to the movie after the first five minutes because Trin decided to give me a backrub. Then I was falling asleep so we went to bed.

In the morning we left late. And then we had to go pick up Angelfish because he said something to piss off the girl who was giving him a ride and she left him on the side of the road.

So, now I'm back at camp and the weekend's over. I'm with Red Bull and the ITs again this week, so that shouldn't be too bad. Especially since they'll be placed with units most of the time or up at the barn, so I'll get to float around to other units and fill in where I'm needed, like Thursday.

Thursday the ITs spent the whole day in CPR training so Red Bull and I helped in the office and with coverage for the other units. Thursday was interesting. Thursday was Halloween--Jade decided that we were going to be Morticia and Gomez Adams. So since I didn't have any other options I agreed. It was pretty fun. Then we had a midnight swim with the Mermaids and the hiking group. I got a shower afterwards. So I didn't really have a break, but I did.

Jade was upset. I'd basically just finished lecturing her about not taking a proper break, when I turn around and don't have a break after she has her two hours. Yeah. You know you're pretty far gone when your rationale for not taking a break is "If she goes to bed even fifteen minutes earlier it'll be worth it."

Yeah. I'm crazy. I'm sorry, I just can't help being attracted to the do-it-all free-spirit types. And Jesus does Trin ever remind me of Liz. I made Liz buttons last Sunday, "Tell me a story," "Thoughts: GO!" and "All because the ladies love the Liz," and Trin takes my discarded Thoughts: GO! (it was off-center) and pins it to her backpack. And then Friday while we were waiting around for Mad River to figure out what to wear, she comes out with "So, tell me a story." I claim not to have a type--and while I don't have specific preferences for the average girl I think is hot, I apparently have a certain kind that pushes my buttons when I'm actually interested in someone.

I had a nightmare about Lindsay Friday night. It was awful.

But yeah, minus the fighting and the the nightmare, it was a great weekend.

This is where I shake my head, wink, giggle, and don't reveal the parts I've left out. ;-)

What I did today:

Woke up (reluctantly).
Ate breakfast (cereal).
Took Shadow to the dogpark (there was a border collie there).
Had lunch (sort of).
Worked on the Fuller application (sort of).
Recorded myself singing harmony with myself ("Today," "Song of the Soul," and "House at Pooh Corner").
Mowed the lawn (started the mower myself).
Ate dinner (french toast).
Talked to Liz (yay).

That's kinda it. But! I am going to Baltimore, which makes me happy.

And the season premiere of the 4400 is on tonight!! *so excited*

In other news, I can't stop listening to Wicked or stop hearing it in my head even when I'm not listening to it. And it's not even songs all the way through, I'll get one snippet of "Loathing" and then a snippet of "Thank Goodness" and then a snippet of "The Wizard and I."

*gasp* House! I didn't get to watch it on Friday because they were playing Along Came Polly three times in a row. But it's on now! (score)

Also, A Prairie Home Companion is a wonderful movie. Go see it.

Grey-eyed zombie-girl is back on TV.

supafurryanimals: hey butt, entertainz me
supafurryanimals: with commentz
supafurryanimals: because im a whore.

I need a shower.

God, I just figured out that that little chime means it's on the hour. My mom's phone's been making weird noises alll night.

It's 6AM and I haven't been to bed yet. I need to stop doing that.

I also get to a point with people sometimes where I don't have anything to say. Liz and Kaitlyn write entries over on OD and I read all of them and I have thoughts about all of them but I can't make my words go from me to the note box, and if I do manage it they're just lame.

The good news? I'm finally all caught up on LJ friends. Finally. Now I can stop with the Sisyphus act and get some work done.

Link of the day: LEGO Escher.

You know, part of the fun of reading my friends page is showing nifty icons to Piper. It's just not the same when she's asleep.

I'm not really sure what to do with myself now that I have all of these new icons and new features like voiceposts and stuff.

It's light outside. Liz seems to have just woken up for her huge longass day, and I'm still not going to bed.

I feel like I had a point to making this entry besides delaying bed some more, but it's slipped my mind in this haze of exhaustion.

God. I need sleep. I need to stop this. I can't have my mom OK the Baltimore trip just to lose it because I decided to stay up all night for no reason.

I think I might be having mini gender crises spills lately because I just don't get enough sleep. Maybe that would be an indication that I should GO TO BED.

Good morning and good night, as I take my p0x3d behind off to bed.

Start: 13:53

You can tell I was exhausted writing that entry because I had a "your" instead of a "you're" and I said "points" instead of "pounds."

Most of the time these days I feel fine. Sometimes missing you is so hard it's like a fist closing around my heart. Am I not being honest with myself the other times, or am I just that capricious?

My mom is freaking out today about my job prospects for the summer. Hawthorn's pre-camp staff training thing starts on the 4th and the application only went in on Friday. And Black Hawk won't look at my application until all the reference forms are in, but I'd only planned to work there the last two sessions, but I was counting on Hawthorn's staff training to give me the CPR cert I need too work for Black Hawk. My mom wanted me to look at other camps in like Minnesota but I never did, and I don't know if it's too late now. The Hawthorn/Black Hawk thing was a great plan but it really depended on me getting my applications done about a month earlier. So we'll see.

Now she wants me to look into Habitat for Humanity. Which, hey, "physical, practical work" and all that. Not that I don't want to do that, because it would probably be pretty awesome, but if anyone has any other suggestions I'd love to hear them. She'll probably want to brainstorm later. I really suck at this whole job thing. I suppose I could get an actual job at the library, shelving or check-out or something.

( Yet another huge entry. )

And now I fear I'd better stop the song of elefop and telephong, because this entry is gigantic and I've been writing it all day. Also I need to find two new icons that represent the same emotions as the two I took down.

End: 20:34

Movies I want to see:
1. Pirates of the Caribbean 2: Dead Man's Chest (Johnny, Keira, and Bill. Enough said.)
2. Kinky Boots (Come on! Chiwetel Ejiofor as a drag queen!)
3. Thank You For Smoking (This just looks hilarious. And it has Rob Lowe in it, however briefly.)
4. Take the Lead (I love dancing movies. And it's Antonio Banderas, even though it's my mother that really likes him.)
5. Art School Confidential (It's quirky, it looks funny, it's got cute girls and a cute guy, and it has John Malkovich.)
6. Happy Feet (I can't believe I have to wait until November to see this movie.)
7. Stick It (Come on, it looks cool. And Missy Peregrym is hot.)
8. Superman Returns (Kevin Spacey rocks my world, even though I'm not sure he's really a Lex Luthor. Frank Legella's getting old, but he is teh awesome.)

Movies I kind of want to see but I'm not sure if it's worth it:
1. UltraViolet (It's flashy and colorful, Catherine Zeta is hot, it looks like it has some decent action scenes...but it doesn't seem to have much of a plot or character development and I've heard that it really sucks. It's a dilemma.)
2. IdleWild (I don't know. It could be good.)

Movies which the previews are definitely all I need to see of them:
1. The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift (Saw the trailer at X-III. It was a good trailer, some really cool effects, but I do not need to see this movie.)
2. How to Eat Fried Worms ("Based on the book" my ass. The book is wonderful, and that movie's going to suck.)
3. United 93 (I already know the ending.)

You know what's odd? Cameron Bright bears a bizarre resemblance to Nicholas Hoult. Bright is in Stargate, Thank You For Smoking, and X-men III, and Hoult is in About A Boy and The Weatherman. When I saw X-men III and the trailer for Smoking, I thought it was Hoult. They've got the same mouth, the same freckles, the same facial structure, the same expressions. They're just totally unrelated.

I'm sure there are others, but it's about 7 of 8, I've been doing this for an hour, and people seem to be packing up. Then again, everyone else has a fuckload more stuff than I do.

A couple of hours ago I was totally pwning at Yahoo Graffiti. Speaking of graffiti, cool link: Graffiti.org.

It's 8AM and I wish I'd been cuddling with you all this time instead of doing pretty much nothing. But you already knew I missed you.

I always go from these huge ass long entries to these little short entries.

Dan actually has a great voice. It's funny that I've never heard him sing before today.

Speaking of great voices, one of the painters who's been in the house lately has a really interesting voice, but I've never actually laid eyes on him. So it's a little weird.

Just had a poking war with Steve. It was fun, but it made me forget what I actually started this entry to say.

Oh, now I remember. I sort of drew Kaitlyn and Liz having sex today. It would have turned out a lot better if I hadn't started it in pen. So it's all in pencil except the body frameworks are in pen so it looks a little weird. I'm not sure if I'll be able to get rid of them because I drew it on yellow paper. I guess if we get the scanner working again I can just scan it in black&white and take out the pen lines.

Actually, I tried to do it twice, but I'm not finished with the second one. I'm not entirely happy with the first one besides those pesky frameworks. There's something seriously wrong with my perspective in the second one, I suspect, because I periodically attempt poses that are far beyond my ability to represent accurately. Especially because the focus of the second one is a particular expression of Liz's that I knew I'd never get right when I started it. But I needed to draw something.

It's hot, though. But I should probably stop being such a freak.

Steve and Kristin are upstairs making tea. I may go commandeer some. This really isn't a very welcoming group. I miss my Freedom people.

Aaaand I miss you. But you knew that.

My mom's watching some movie...about this woman who supports her family by winning jingle contests. The Prizewinner of Defiance, Ohio. And it has Julienne Moore in it but she looks disturbingly like Rose McGowan.

Finally, I have something to do. I'm going to see X-men 3 with Dan &co at midnight. Should be good. There probably won't be any cuddling but there might be tea, and I'll get to see them all again.

I miss you. Maybe one of these days I'll actually get to talk to you.

LATER: So I realized that I hadn't sent this entry until right before I was supposed to leave. It'd just kind of been sitting there for an hour and a half while I tried in vain to catch up on Deviantart. (I managed to get through 100 of my 269 deviations.) This is why it had the default image and no mood/tags/music.

So what I really wanted to say about the Prizewinner movie and why I brought it up at all, was that one of the woman's daughters was really cute. :P Tuff, the oldest one that's living at home for most of the movie. Really adorable.

Oh yeah.

Cute girl helped me with my stuff today.

At some point near the end, my dad decided it would be a great idea to just pile as much stuff as he could into the elevator, never mind that it took more trips than people to get it into the elevator, and then more trips again to get it out of the elevator with people waiting to get in, and then more trips again to get it out to the van.

So my dad takes a suitcase and the laundry bag, and I take a suitcase and the poster bag, and we leave a little pile consisting of "Baltimore-opoly," my CD-box, the box my Easter basket came in, the box with my desk lamp in it, and the calendar pages I stole from Liz's roommates sitting in the lobby by the donation stuff. I'm lagging way behind my dad with this huge suitcase because my arm snaps at the elbow if I hold it far enough away from my body to keep it from dragging on my legs. My dad whisks his suitcase up the hill and into the van and comes back for mine when I'm halfway up the hill.

So I go back to the lobby for my little pile of boxes because it would really suck if someone decided to take my CDs in the three minutes I spent struggling with the suitcase. And I'm trying to pick up this pile and it's just not working. It's not that heavy, but I can't get my fingers under the B-opoly box to pick the whole deal up.

So this girl walks up and she asks if she can help me and I'm all "I'm fine, I just can't get my fingers under the..." when I'm thinking "whoa." She does the whole "here, let me get that for you" thing and takes the Easter box and the lamp box off the top, at which point I easily lift the game and the CDs. We sort of do the "um, well, here" dance for five seconds while she puts her two boxes on top of my two boxes. I thank her, she goes for the elevator, and I leave.

And I'm sure I'll never see her again, but she was cute. A little bit like post-hair cut Laney Boggs except blonde. Cute glasses and pretty eyes. Although I think I was only looking at her for like six seconds because cute girls tend to make me nervous. Unless I know they're younger than I am, in which case I'm all "hey..." Something I've noticed. It never really comes out when I'm a freshman, though, 'cause I'm on the bottom of every pile. If I get any of these camp jobs, please remind me not to hit on the junior counselors, 'cause they'll be all of 16 and 17.

I also think it's funny/sad that when I'm with Liz she's always the one going "hey, cute chick" and I'm never in time to see, but then I keep noticing all these girls when I'm alone and there's no Liz to share the experience with.

I've noticed that I notice far more cute girls than cute guys. Is this just because I arbitrarily like girls better, or just that I really do encounter more cute girls than cute guys?

Oh yeah, and objectification is bad, kids. Don't do it. Just say no.

Five hours, 36 padiddles, and one honey packet later...I missed you on every one.

I haven't really been reading any friends' entries here for like...a week. I'll try and catch up with those tomorrow. Sorry guys.

I'm worried about my dog. I guess it was better that I came home today instead of Sunday, in the end, because Shadow is very sick. He ate some kind of toy that he wasn't supposed to the other day, and he's been coughing, and vomiting, and he's had X-rays, and he's been in the hospital. And this is just sickenly, disturbingly like the homecoming I had for Thanksgiving break for Buddy. I do not want to lose another dog in this house. I don't want to fucking lose another dog period.

When I came home for Thanksgiving break, Buddy had eaten...something. The vet had to open him up and found yards of cloth in his intestines, that's all he said. And we had Thanksgiving, and we had him for another day after that, and then he went to stay at the vet's overnight. And he never came home.

And Shadow seems okay, except for the coughing. He ate his dinner tonight. He's walking around, he's smiling, he's happy to see me. But Buddy seemed alright too, and then he wasn't. And I'm worried.

We lost Lucky the summer we moved here. He got...lymphoma or something, where his lungs were filling with fluid. I can't remember the details now. And we tried to keep him alive, for weeks, but in the end there wasn't anything else to do and he was in so much pain. And we took him to the animal hospital in Norwalk and the vet's assistant gave him the injection and he died in our arms on the examining room floor.

I guess I'll be crying myself to sleep tonight after all.

If Shadow's doing better by Saturday I'll probably go to Stephen's LAN party. I feel like I should have something to do that night and it'll be good to see them all again. If Shadow's not doing better I don't know what I'll be doing.

I should have given you what I wanted to give you when I went out to see you, but you probably didn't have time for it anyway. Always on the run, my Liz.

I love you. I love you. I love you.

I started reading The Well of Loneliness at dinner because I've sort of been feeling this lesbian thing lately and it's wonderful. Poor little Stephen is so adorable. I'm only 30 pages into it but I love it.

Ms. Anselmo recommended it to me freshman year when she was driving me back home after an Interact meeting. I can't remember why, I wish I remembered things like this better, I don't even know why I became a lesbian anymore. I looked it up in the library but I never could find it. (And now that I'm thinking about it I think that's because it was listed in the catalog as being written by somebody named Dickson or Dickinson and it's definitely not--because I know that the author is Radclyffe Hall, but I can remember looking for the book every week in the D's. Weird.)

Anyway, so I picked it up at Pride last year for, what, twenty-five cents? And I hadn't read it yet. I finished And She Was earlier (which was really good) and didn't really want to read the stupid labyrinth book and didn't really want to carry The Tin Drum to the dining hall, so I brought this one. And I love it so far. It's--and this is an awful thing to say--really restored my faith in lesbian literature.

I say that because the last book involving lesbians I tried to read was You're Not From Around Here, Are You (that I also picked up at Pride) over winter break and I got maybe four chapters into it and couldn't finish it. I moved onto At Swim, Two Boys instead (that I also picked up at Pride, go figure), the complete opposite of the spectrum, which I loved. For some reason I was just not getting into the story.

I'm going to try to read it again when I get home, because I don't think it had anything to do with the book itself. I think I was just in a weird place, and I'm in a better place now. The last lesbian book I read before that was Annie On My Mind sometime during senior year. I really liked that one, it was cute and sad at the same time. I think I might have had trouble getting into You're Not From Around Here because I've never been a 30-something lesbian in a long-term relationship living in Ohio or somewhere trying to inseminate. I have been an adolescent with crushes on other girls, and I've had lesbian teachers.

Ah, Salot and Fran. It's been awhile since I thought of them, I wonder how they're doing. Did the school ever come through and say they could live together? I think I remember something about that just before I left. I'll have to drop by and say hi when I go up to see everyone. Salot really did have a gorgeous voice. They were amazingly circumspect about it--I don't think I would have known if I hadn't been told--I wonder if that was just the way they naturally were or they were trying to be cautious.

But then again, I've never been an adolescent in love with other boys and grown men in circa-Easter Rising Ireland. So who knows.

Anyway. I'm sleepy now but I don't want to take a nap. I think I'll listen to music and read more.

My Google Desktop is stuffed chock full of little plug-ins. It's really rather neat. I'm growing...poppies, I think. Yeah, it's a bowl of poppies that I can water and they'll bloom. There's a laundry timer, weather, words-of-the-day, daily brain teasers, to-do list, notepad, calendar...and it all conveniently slots out when you click on things. :)

Speaking of words-of-the-day, I want to work in a library for real so I can use the phrase "take him to the stacks." Actually, it would probably be "take her to the stacks," because cute girls who read are much cuter than cute boys who read, and I think it would be much hotter to secretly make out with girls in a library than boys.

Chris and Matt asked me some interesting questions last night. Matt asked me if I was jealous, Chris asked me if I would ever have sex with a boy. What I actually said to Matt was "No, I don't really get jealous. I like to watch." And while I am a criminal voyeur, that's not all of it. Why should I begrudge someone I love happiness just because I'm not the one supplying it? It just doesn't make sense to me. I love to see anyone happy, espeically people I love. Matt said he gets jealous; I'm not really sure of what; but what people are usually jealous of is the attention of their loved one(s). But, for example, when Liz turns her head and says "mm, pretty girl," that's a Lizism that I love. 'There will always be women in rubber flirting with' her. :P And I'm really glad that they've worked somet hings out. She seems more relaxed and happy, and I am always down with that. I hope Kaitlyn feels better too. Think if I wrote to her over the summer, that would be okay?

What I said to Chris was "I don't know." And really, I don't, because I haven't. And boy, do I ever love sex with girls, but I have no experience with boys. I've never even kissed a boy since kindergarten, so how am I supposed to answer the sex question? And I suppose I can try anything once as long as it's reasonably safe, but it's not really a part of my life right now. So we'll see.

So, I'm going to go read some more now.

I woke up this morning and I didn't want to get dressed but I had to go to the bathroom and I didn't know if Alison was around (turned out she was asleep until 4PM), so I had to. So I was like "I haven't worn this shirt in months and I'd kind of like to wear it. *puts it on* I'm kind of into the layering thing lately, and I haven't worn this shirt yet. *puts it on*" And I looked in the mirror, and I'd been thinking about certain things while I was waking up, and I was like "huh. You can see my nipples right through these shirts. ... Ah, fuck it. *wears them anyway*"