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dumblemopStart: 13:53
You can tell I was exhausted writing that entry because I had a "your" instead of a "you're" and I said "points" instead of "pounds."
Most of the time these days I feel fine. Sometimes missing you is so hard it's like a fist closing around my heart. Am I not being honest with myself the other times, or am I just that capricious?
My mom is freaking out today about my job prospects for the summer. Hawthorn's pre-camp staff training thing starts on the 4th and the application only went in on Friday. And Black Hawk won't look at my application until all the reference forms are in, but I'd only planned to work there the last two sessions, but I was counting on Hawthorn's staff training to give me the CPR cert I need too work for Black Hawk. My mom wanted me to look at other camps in like Minnesota but I never did, and I don't know if it's too late now. The Hawthorn/Black Hawk thing was a great plan but it really depended on me getting my applications done about a month earlier. So we'll see.
Now she wants me to look into Habitat for Humanity. Which, hey, "physical, practical work" and all that. Not that I don't want to do that, because it would probably be pretty awesome, but if anyone has any other suggestions I'd love to hear them. She'll probably want to brainstorm later. I really suck at this whole job thing. I suppose I could get an actual job at the library, shelving or check-out or something.
I'm having trouble with having a place in Liz's life lately. Like I remember way back at the beginning when nobody knew what my place was and it was fine, and I don't know what's different now.
I've started writing something else, different from what I mentioned last night (this morning). I think this one is a song, because the rhythm is a little sloppy, but I don't have a tune for it yet. I had over an hour to kill while my mom had her therapy appointment so I read some, stared into space some, and mused some. I can't write on paper anymore, it's odd--I mean, LJ-type writing. It's too something and not enough something on paper.
My dad left at 4 this morning for Milwaukee. I was just going to bed and I was wondering why he was awake until I was going to sleep and realized he was leaving. I told him I'd fallen asleep downstairs, woken up and then come up. I tell my parents this every so often and they never think of how very unlikely it would be if I had actually fallen asleep that I would ever wake up again.
I keep having these weird, weird dreams lately that I barely remember when I wake up, except for certain impressions and feelings. They usually have Liz in them. Last night's had Kaitlyn too. I've never had such consistent dreams about someone, ever. I think I had three or four dreams featuring Lindsay during that whole time--and one just the other week that was disturbing as anything. That particular dream also had Liz in it. I need to start writing my dreams down so I can remember them. I would have dreams about classmates in middle school but it was usually most of the class in some setting that it would make sense, field trips and parties. I don't have dreams about Piper or Alison or Lauren and I lived with them. Why do I keep dreaming about Liz?
Jonathan Strange and Mr Norrell is pretty good still. I adore clever writing. The Well of Loneliness was clever by particularly good turns of phrase that exactly captured images, or new ways of representing particular feelings. JS and Mr N is clever in sort of a similar way, but in a wry sense rather than a poetic sense, the phrases are succinctly amusing rather than concisely beautiful.
I'm kind of in the mood for Terry Pratchett, oddly. Do I have anything left to read by him?
I don't understand myself sometimes. My parents yell at me all the time and it doesn't make me do anything differently. My teachers are usually upset with me, I don't really give a damn if Alison thinks I'm not studying enough, it doesn't affect me. But there are some people who I just can't have not accept, love, understand me. And when they reprimand me or disagree with something I do it hurts. Matt could be a jerk with no slight on my emotions because I didn't expect anything better of him, but I was terrified of telling Aeryes about the gender thing in case he couldn't deal with it. And I don't know why I'm like this. It's a little frightening, this craving for...adequacy.
I told Liz once, "I'm a Unitarian. God knows what I think of god." And in some ways that's more apt than I intended it to be. It's kind of like, people ask you whether you believe in capital-G-god. But I was just thinking and I'm thinking, if god exists, god exists whether I believe in god or not and my belief or nonbelief in god has no effect on the universe except where my own actions are concerned; if god does not exist, god does not exist whether I believe in god or not and my belief or nonbelief in god has no effect on the universe except where my own actions are concerned. (This is entirely different from Pascal's game theory take on agnosticism; jerk.) So, in addition to the fact that I, as a human, could not possibly grasp the capital-T-truth of god, my belief only matters to me. So it does come down in the end to "Does this speak to me as a human and spiritual being?" instead of "Is this THE TRUTH?"
I think that's the first time all week I've seen Liz go unidle and not said anything.
And oh god, I hate phones. I haven't finished this entry yet because my mom made me call up Black Hawk and Hawthorn Hollow to see about my applications. I started crying at one point, but I called. I left a message for the director of Hawthorn, and when I finally tracked down Tigger for Black Hawk on the fourth phone call, she said they'd already finished hiring for this summer. Which is kind of what I expected. But I called. And I know it's a completely irrational thing I have about phones, and sometimes it's fine. I called up Piper on my move out day to say "hey bitch, where are you" so she could say "hey bitch, I left without you" and I was fine, but I get all silent on the phone with Liz and I cannot just call people like that. I couldn't let my mother listen to it either. She wanted to be in the room but if I was going to do it I couldn't let her listen. And I did it. I still hate phones though.
I should probably go get some food. I had a bowl of cereal when we left this morning and that's it. I had to go with my mother for errands because the painters were here again today and she fears for my virtue if I'm alone in the house with them. We went to the mall to drop off John's tuxedo, had a tiff because my mom wanted me to drink something and I didn't want to, and then I sat around and read while she had her therapy appointment. And that's pretty much all I've done today, besides writing in here and calling these places.
Just got an email from Hawhorn's director, they don't have my application even though my mom overnighted it on Thursday or Friday and they're only accepting applications now on an "as needed" basis because they've got a full staff if everyone shows up for training. So yeah. And you know, I turned the application in last week, so it's not like I was really expecting anything else, but now I really need a Plan B. Mark this experience down on things never to do again.
I still haven't gotten any food, but now I'm going into town to see if I can get a job at Stop-and-Shop. Great.
Right so I didn't actually send this entry before I left. Now I have food. Now we'll see if I get the Stop-and-Shop job. I'm disappointed about the camp thing, but if I get a job at the grocery store or the library or something I'll be in town and I'll be able to see my friends here for the summer and I'll be able to go to my brother's graduation without flying back and forth and I won't be a billion hours away from potential activities in Baltimore.
I'm also applying to CVS. The CVS application has this to say: "Beginning with your present or most recent experience, list your last 3 employers, assignments or volunteer activities. You may exclude volunteer activities that may suggest age, religion, sex, race, color, sexual orientation, national origin, disability or veteran status." I thought that was interesting.
And now I fear I'd better stop the song of elefop and telephong, because this entry is gigantic and I've been writing it all day. Also I need to find two new icons that represent the same emotions as the two I took down.
End: 20:34
You can tell I was exhausted writing that entry because I had a "your" instead of a "you're" and I said "points" instead of "pounds."
Most of the time these days I feel fine. Sometimes missing you is so hard it's like a fist closing around my heart. Am I not being honest with myself the other times, or am I just that capricious?
My mom is freaking out today about my job prospects for the summer. Hawthorn's pre-camp staff training thing starts on the 4th and the application only went in on Friday. And Black Hawk won't look at my application until all the reference forms are in, but I'd only planned to work there the last two sessions, but I was counting on Hawthorn's staff training to give me the CPR cert I need too work for Black Hawk. My mom wanted me to look at other camps in like Minnesota but I never did, and I don't know if it's too late now. The Hawthorn/Black Hawk thing was a great plan but it really depended on me getting my applications done about a month earlier. So we'll see.
Now she wants me to look into Habitat for Humanity. Which, hey, "physical, practical work" and all that. Not that I don't want to do that, because it would probably be pretty awesome, but if anyone has any other suggestions I'd love to hear them. She'll probably want to brainstorm later. I really suck at this whole job thing. I suppose I could get an actual job at the library, shelving or check-out or something.
I'm having trouble with having a place in Liz's life lately. Like I remember way back at the beginning when nobody knew what my place was and it was fine, and I don't know what's different now.
I've started writing something else, different from what I mentioned last night (this morning). I think this one is a song, because the rhythm is a little sloppy, but I don't have a tune for it yet. I had over an hour to kill while my mom had her therapy appointment so I read some, stared into space some, and mused some. I can't write on paper anymore, it's odd--I mean, LJ-type writing. It's too something and not enough something on paper.
My dad left at 4 this morning for Milwaukee. I was just going to bed and I was wondering why he was awake until I was going to sleep and realized he was leaving. I told him I'd fallen asleep downstairs, woken up and then come up. I tell my parents this every so often and they never think of how very unlikely it would be if I had actually fallen asleep that I would ever wake up again.
I keep having these weird, weird dreams lately that I barely remember when I wake up, except for certain impressions and feelings. They usually have Liz in them. Last night's had Kaitlyn too. I've never had such consistent dreams about someone, ever. I think I had three or four dreams featuring Lindsay during that whole time--and one just the other week that was disturbing as anything. That particular dream also had Liz in it. I need to start writing my dreams down so I can remember them. I would have dreams about classmates in middle school but it was usually most of the class in some setting that it would make sense, field trips and parties. I don't have dreams about Piper or Alison or Lauren and I lived with them. Why do I keep dreaming about Liz?
Jonathan Strange and Mr Norrell is pretty good still. I adore clever writing. The Well of Loneliness was clever by particularly good turns of phrase that exactly captured images, or new ways of representing particular feelings. JS and Mr N is clever in sort of a similar way, but in a wry sense rather than a poetic sense, the phrases are succinctly amusing rather than concisely beautiful.
I'm kind of in the mood for Terry Pratchett, oddly. Do I have anything left to read by him?
I don't understand myself sometimes. My parents yell at me all the time and it doesn't make me do anything differently. My teachers are usually upset with me, I don't really give a damn if Alison thinks I'm not studying enough, it doesn't affect me. But there are some people who I just can't have not accept, love, understand me. And when they reprimand me or disagree with something I do it hurts. Matt could be a jerk with no slight on my emotions because I didn't expect anything better of him, but I was terrified of telling Aeryes about the gender thing in case he couldn't deal with it. And I don't know why I'm like this. It's a little frightening, this craving for...adequacy.
I told Liz once, "I'm a Unitarian. God knows what I think of god." And in some ways that's more apt than I intended it to be. It's kind of like, people ask you whether you believe in capital-G-god. But I was just thinking and I'm thinking, if god exists, god exists whether I believe in god or not and my belief or nonbelief in god has no effect on the universe except where my own actions are concerned; if god does not exist, god does not exist whether I believe in god or not and my belief or nonbelief in god has no effect on the universe except where my own actions are concerned. (This is entirely different from Pascal's game theory take on agnosticism; jerk.) So, in addition to the fact that I, as a human, could not possibly grasp the capital-T-truth of god, my belief only matters to me. So it does come down in the end to "Does this speak to me as a human and spiritual being?" instead of "Is this THE TRUTH?"
I think that's the first time all week I've seen Liz go unidle and not said anything.
And oh god, I hate phones. I haven't finished this entry yet because my mom made me call up Black Hawk and Hawthorn Hollow to see about my applications. I started crying at one point, but I called. I left a message for the director of Hawthorn, and when I finally tracked down Tigger for Black Hawk on the fourth phone call, she said they'd already finished hiring for this summer. Which is kind of what I expected. But I called. And I know it's a completely irrational thing I have about phones, and sometimes it's fine. I called up Piper on my move out day to say "hey bitch, where are you" so she could say "hey bitch, I left without you" and I was fine, but I get all silent on the phone with Liz and I cannot just call people like that. I couldn't let my mother listen to it either. She wanted to be in the room but if I was going to do it I couldn't let her listen. And I did it. I still hate phones though.
I should probably go get some food. I had a bowl of cereal when we left this morning and that's it. I had to go with my mother for errands because the painters were here again today and she fears for my virtue if I'm alone in the house with them. We went to the mall to drop off John's tuxedo, had a tiff because my mom wanted me to drink something and I didn't want to, and then I sat around and read while she had her therapy appointment. And that's pretty much all I've done today, besides writing in here and calling these places.
Just got an email from Hawhorn's director, they don't have my application even though my mom overnighted it on Thursday or Friday and they're only accepting applications now on an "as needed" basis because they've got a full staff if everyone shows up for training. So yeah. And you know, I turned the application in last week, so it's not like I was really expecting anything else, but now I really need a Plan B. Mark this experience down on things never to do again.
I still haven't gotten any food, but now I'm going into town to see if I can get a job at Stop-and-Shop. Great.
Right so I didn't actually send this entry before I left. Now I have food. Now we'll see if I get the Stop-and-Shop job. I'm disappointed about the camp thing, but if I get a job at the grocery store or the library or something I'll be in town and I'll be able to see my friends here for the summer and I'll be able to go to my brother's graduation without flying back and forth and I won't be a billion hours away from potential activities in Baltimore.
I'm also applying to CVS. The CVS application has this to say: "Beginning with your present or most recent experience, list your last 3 employers, assignments or volunteer activities. You may exclude volunteer activities that may suggest age, religion, sex, race, color, sexual orientation, national origin, disability or veteran status." I thought that was interesting.
And now I fear I'd better stop the song of elefop and telephong, because this entry is gigantic and I've been writing it all day. Also I need to find two new icons that represent the same emotions as the two I took down.
End: 20:34
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no subject
Date: 2006-05-31 01:27 am (UTC)Are neither of us going to be able to be cool camp kids? That's a shame. D:
no subject
Date: 2006-05-31 01:42 am (UTC)Yeah. D: Maybe next year if Bria's not all rar about internships. My dad wants me to be a counselor at computer camp in Canada. xD