Don't Want to Say Goodnight

I'm amused: "Being poly means you never run short of people to help you beat up other people."

I got donewithmorals's graduation present with my dad today. I think it's awesome. I think I got sir'd (as opposed to served) by one of the employees but my dad was standing next to me so I'm not sure who it was directed at.

Then we went to Borders. Yay! We really went there to get Tess of the D'Ubervilles so I could read it at camp and have an idea of it before having it as a class. It'll make me want to read A Prayer for Owen Meany again. So I get Tess and then I wander off to look for fun books. I meet my dad at the cafe fifteen minutes later than he wanted me to with a huge stack of books:

1. A Breath of Snow and Ashes, Diana Gabaldon
This is the sixth Outlander book, and I love the series, but I decided not to read it because it's still in hardback and if I read it right away I'll have to wait forever for the next one--unless, I suppose, it ends in this book, but then it would be over anyway.
2. Lord John and the Private Matter, Diana Gabaldon
So I was going to get this one, because I <3 John Grey. I almost got this one, but I could only get two and as much as I <3 John Grey, the book's only ten bucks and I'll see it again at some point.
3. The Dragon Token, Melanie Rawn
I have been looking for this book since I first moved here. I took Dragon Prince to Japan, and then I read the next three in pretty short order, but this one has never been in the bookstore whenever I go looking for it. So I got it, since it was there.
4. Kushiel's Avatar, Jacqueline Carey
This is the third Kushiel book. I love these books but I decided not to get it because if I read the last one, that'll be the end.
5. The Crystal City, Orson Scott Card
This is the sixth and I think last book in the Alvin Maker series. I started reading them when I got the first three for my 17th birthday. I decided not to get this one because it's quite a short book and I didn't feel the urgency to get it NOW.
6. A Kiss of Shadows, Laurell K. Hamilton
I adore Anita Blake but I'd never read the faerie ones for some reason. I think I just wanted to finish the vampires before I got into faeries, even though the library had both. But Kate really got me into the idea of reading them over the weekend so I thought I'd pick it up. I decided against it because the library does have them.
7. Nightseer, Laurell K. Hamilton
I stumbled across this one in the Science Fiction/Fantasy section while looking for her other books (which were filed under Horror instead). It's her debut novel and I thought it would be neat to read it, and I'd never seen it before, but it's tiny and I wasn't really sure that her first novel would compare to the rest of them so I didn't get it. I didn't really need to read it because I didn't know what it would be like.
8. Blue Moon, Laurell K. Hamilton
This is the only Anita Blake that I haven't read yet. Everything else from Laughing Corpse to Micah I've now read, but the library doesn't have this one. I decided against it because, after all, I've waited this long to read it, I've read the story that comes afterwards, I can wait a little longer to find out what happened in Tenessee. Since I started with Obsidian Butterfly because I thought it was the first one, I'm a little curious as to the allusions made in that book (because it's the one that comes right after it), but I can wait.
9. Pagan Polyamory, Raven Kaldera
I had totally forgotten that I wanted to read his books until I stumbled across this in the Magic section. So obviously I got it.
10. A Book of Pagan Prayer, Ceisiwr Serith
I just thought this was sort of nice. However, it was 20 bucks for a little book and I wasn't sure that I would ever really use it, so I didn't get it.

So he told me I could only get two, so I decided on The Dragon Token and Pagan Polyamory after another ten minutes. I looked at the tarot case but I didn't really feel like asking anyone to look in it and anyway the packages are sealed so I just peered at them through the glass. I did notice the catalog of decks above the case so I went through and took down the names of ones that looked interesting so I could remember/locate them later.

Aaaand speaking of magic and tarot and other pagan goodies--tomorrow is Midsummer, and as usual I have nothing planned. I wonder if I can scrounge something up at least as an observance if no actual workings.

This morning my mother asked me whether I thought seven was okay for dinner and my first thought was "No, I have Freedom board."

So we went to dinner when we got back from shopping at this place in the next town over. My mom and godmother swear we went there last year--I'm willing to give them the benefit of the doubt because I may vaguely remember being there before, but it definitely wasn't at graduation. I had a Caesar salad, mashed potatoes, and cheesecake; it was really good. Decent conversation as well. The funny thing was that I was sir'd the whole evening. I did have my binder stuff on, but I didn't really think I was passing that well, especially compared to my brother, but apparently I was. All the waiters did it. It was pretty cool.

There's something in my ear. There's always something in my ear. I get these sores or something and then wax gets stuck to them, so I try to get the crustiness out of my ear but that opens the sore so it hurts. Sorry to be gross, but it's paining me.

I hate YouTube because it doesn't let me finish any videos. I wanted to watch the Daily Show episode where Jon Stewart reams Bill Bennet because I missed it on TV, but I can't watch it all the way through. I did get to watch a segment of an earlier show dealing with gay marriage which was hilarious. And now I know where those turtlefucking LJ icons come from.

I'm going to end this entry now so I can make an attempt to go to bed, because it's 1AM. I know I won't go to bed immediately, but at least this acknowledges that I should. Love to all.

Forgive me. Faced with
your tears, faced with your triumph,
I offer silence.

I think I need to get over myself and just stop being weird.

X-men was fun. There wasn't cuddling, but there was tea. It was: Dan, me, Stephen, Kristin, Skylar, Miles, Mike, another Dan and his friend, and two other guys who came with Miles and Mike. So we saved eleven seats in the fourth row. There was a guy a couple of rows down who could've been Miles' heavier twin. It was freaky. I swear Dan knew everyone in that theater and the other one that was playing it. Then after the movie Dan, me, Stephen, Kristin, and Skylar went back to chill in Stephen's basement for a bit at like two in the morning.

It was a good time. Dan cut his hair, so now it's really short instead of really huge. Stephen's is long these days, it was always short freshman year; he looks a little like Derrick except his hair is browner. I always forget how attractive Steve really is until I see him again. Like whoa. I definitely had a crush on him freshman year. But then again, I also had crushes on Dan, CJ, Garance, Carly, Miles, Laura, and Casey. And I only just figured out that I'm polyamorous? :P

I think I figured out why I was looking up polyamory. I'd been reading Queen of Wands, and one of the characters is polyamorous. So I think I looked it up. I think there's something a little off in my chronology though.

In other news, I fucking hate this house. I just spent basically the last two hours horribly angry for no good reason. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with this house, but something is very wrong. John feels it too. I get angry for no reason, I stay angry for no reason, I snap at the dog, I yell at my parents, I refuse to do simple things that I wouldn't mind doing at all if I were anywhere else but here. And it's worse when my parents are angry at each other, which they usually are. I just hope whoever moves in here when we leave doesn't regret it.

And it smells like salmon upstairs, but it's actually just the paint fumes pervading every cc of the air. It's making me sick.

I had one of the most surreal dreams I've ever had last night. I wanted to write about it or paint it or something, but I'm losing it by now.

Today I decided: I need a fucking haircut or I'm fucking cutting it myself. I'm getting a little bit sick of this girl phase.

I don't know what my parents' problem is. They're always down on me for something. I've been home three days and already they're yelling at me. They're stressed about all the stuff to get the house ready, I get that, but do they have to take it out on me? I haven't spent all my time on the computer, I got up at 8:30 yesterday and Wednesday even on five and seven hours of sleep, I have juice with breakfast without having to be reminded, I eat breakfast before getting on the computer, I play with the dogs, I've made plans to spend time with people. And they're still acting like I'm not doing all those things. And they don't see me at school so they don't realize that this house turns me into a totally different person.

And it's been cloudy all day so it's dark like it's later than it is.

What the fuck is wrong with me? I'm crying, and I know there's no good reason for it and I can't stop. Jesus Christ.

Part of my problem is that I miss them...but I don't really think that's allowed anymore. I mean...in one sense I really am okay with this, but in another sense it's a little like, what else could I really be? And I think that's part of why it's hard to let go.

Well...whatever. I don't know how I'm going to simultaneously get back into the Gaia guilds I've neglected and spend less time on the computer, but I'm going to try. I've got books to read, poems and songs to write, and art to create (but no scanner...damn it).

Anyway. Love to all. Sorry for all the bitchy over-contemplativeness.