Don't Want to Say Goodnight

Okay, so a semi-real entry today, although not much of a one because it's rather late and there's stuff I have to be doing tomorrow. Stuff like getting Father's Day gifts and finishing my room.

I went to an absolutely wonderful play tonight with my parents. The Drawer Boy by Michael Healey. It has three actors, it's set in Canada, and it's beautiful. It's hilarious, and poignant, and it's real even though it's ridiculous.

Something I just remembered after reading a totally unrelated mialamu entry: when Ben (Liz's-new-roommate-Kate's Ben) was giving me a tour of his house, he offhandedly mentioned his Illuminati game. And I was going, I've heard that name before, but where...? and then I remembered. I played it with Lindsay and Jon and nimue9 and veganstatesbest and kamili and others--possibly Paul, Kayla, mialamu, and twoscoopsofruit?--the first time I was in Chapel House, maybe the second or third week of school. I remember being horribly confused by the game, and horribly awkward around people who knew each other very well but I didn't know so well, but very glad to snuggle with Kris. :) And I had totally forgotten said memory until Ben mentioned the game.

I think teaching may not be such an incomprehensible choice after all. This week at camp didn't really feel like work for some reason. I felt invincible. When she picked me up at the train station, my mother asked, "So were you just a camp counselor goddess?? :D" and I cringed--but the concept isn't that far off the mark. Not that I'm an amazing counselor, because I was totally out of my depth in dealing with some of the stuff we had, just that it seemed to fit me somehow.

I mean, I was definitely eager for my two hours of break time every day by the end of the week, but the intervening time didn't feel like work like cleaning my room or reading my Physics textbook does. I had a splitting headache Thursday afternoon and evening, but I was an energetic Toad right through it. It's frankly a little ridiculous. We'll see if I feel the same way by the end of the summer.

I feel different at camp. Bolder. At least around the kids--I'm pretty much the usual Rob around just the staff. It was really interesting watching myself subside into my regular self as I left camp on Friday. It was also interesting to hear similar things that Liz always says to me coming out of Trinity's mouth. She didn't say them like Liz does, but it was the same basic "Rob never speaks; he should speak more" concept.

Trinity is a puzzle. Not once has she used female pronouns in reference to me. And I am dead serious, not once. Like, am I that obvious? Or is she just good at recognizing the signs because of who her friends are?

There was a lot of gender stuff going on this week. I got a huge kick out of it too. I was highly amused because two of the counselors are Charm City Boys. I was asked twice to my face by campers if I was a boy, and apparently other counselors were also asked about me. And half the staff had adopted male pronouns by the end of the week after numerous "mistakes" made it obvious that I didn't mind in the least. We played the "switch with me" game Thursday night and someone called out "Switch with me if you're a girl"--so there's me, blithely not moving an inch while everyone else looks for another pair of shoes. The kids are mostly like "what the hell" and the staff are mostly "yeah, so?" about it. And I'm not the only one.

Yeah, so to all the crew who were like "Girl Scout camp? WTF?" when I told y'all about it--this is fucking awesome.

I don't really know how I feel about pronouns in general. From strangers, I'm tickled pink to get assumptions that I'm male and disappointed/annoyed as hell to get assumptions that I'm female. From friends, either one is fine, but interestingly. I don't mind female pronouns from friends like the CWIT crew; I expect it, I'm used to it, it just suits those relationships. Female pronouns from my brother don't rankle because despite my non/gender-ness I don't think we have a brotherly relationship. (My parents are a different story because it makes me feel like they don't care--which I know is ridiculous because it's my responsibility to say something if it bothers me and I haven't.) Male pronouns from the FA crew make me feel...safe. And now it's the same with camp. It's very odd. I feel protected, sheltered when people use hes instead of shes. It's a feeling like being stroked on the head.

Another thing about camp is that the lines of drama have already been drawn after three weeks of contact--but I've missed two of those weeks, so I'm not included in them. So I'm not fighting with anyone yet, as far as I know. I get all the sides because people vent to me as neutral territory. I actually like that. I'm not very good at giving feedback and I don't like it when people expect me to take sides, but I like knowing what's going on. I guess I'm just a hopeless gossip. :P

I hope the rest of the summer continues as well as the first week went, despite all of the issues there were to deal with. One thing I do know is that I'm suffering from a serious dearth of cuddling. After that intense weekend of cuddling, I was busy getting ready for camp for that week, and then busy at camp the next week, and I haven't gotten any cuddles since. Trouble did this weird thing Friday morning at flag ceremony where he sort of snuggled into my side and put his head on my shoulder--which was nice but how the hell do you react to that? And Dragonfly sort of hugged me Thursday night and I think she kissed the top of my head in the process?--which was also nice but how the hell do you react to that? But what really made me realize that I need some cuddling is that one of my campers touched my necklace because she was admiring it and I caught my breath a little because I wasn't expecting it.

I just want to curl up in a pile with someone(s) and relax. Obviously there are a few someones who are high on the list but I'll take cuddling from whoever.

I think that's about it for tonight because it's 3AM and I didn't really want to stay up so late. I'm sleepy and I shouldn't be exhausted for going back to camp--because although I go to bed earlier and get more sleep than I do here, it's not as good sleep on those damn cots. Tomorrow I will most likely be pretty busy but I think there are a few more thoughts bouncing around in here.