dumblemop: (angry)
[personal profile] dumblemop
Good question.

Why am I here? Where's my motivation? What happened to going to class because I like physics, I like math, I like computers, I like to learn?

It's like how I say I stopped acting because of her. If I hadn't had that relationship, if that relationship hadn't been fucked-up, would I have acted anyway? Sure, I did plays and musicals in middle school. Did I do any freshman year? No. Do I tell myself that's because I would never have been able to get to rehearsals with both my parents working? Yes. Is that the real reason? I don't know.

I would have teched. I don't know if I would've acted. I wouldn't have done debate. I would've done stage combat and frisbee, but probably not yoga or self-defense, and definitely not tennis or aerobics. I stayed in chorus but I wasn't brave enough to tell her the real reason, and half the reason I joined chorus in the first place was that Kristi wasn't talking to me. I would have stayed in ASC and GSAC, hell, I would have run ASC and GSAC. I would've gone back to camp. And I would have stayed friends with all those people I stopped talking to.

It's true that being in that relationship fucked me over big time, but how different would my life have been if it hadn't happened? Would I have flunked out of Choate? Because after all, I had a D in English fall term of sophomore year and that was before anything started. I did stay up all the night before my physics exam (which I got a 62! on) talking about llamas, but that didn't have anything to do with me not doing well in English. It did have something to do with me failing History winter term; I deliberately did not meet with my group in order to talk to her on IM--but that was a decision I made. She didn't make me not go, I didn't even tell her that I had somewhere to be. I chose to write that stupid email to Kristi, because of Lindsay. I can't blame other people for my own misguided and fucking stupid decisions, but I can't blame myself for other people's decisions either. Kristi didn't leave because of me, she left because of her. Lindsay wasn't a control freak and everything else because of me, that was all her.

Then there's the problem that I don't know how to be in a normal relationship. Do I want to be on the Freedom board because Liz was on the board or because I actually want to do it? I hadn't thought of it until Zach mentioned it--but it was Zach that mentioned it. Did I want to be on the Lit board because Lindsay was on it or because I wanted to do it? I'd wanted to do it since I'd gotten there, I was on Lodestar, but did I ever actually find out how to get on it until Lindsay wanted to do it? Do I want to do 24-hour play because Liz is so excited about it or because it's something that I would actually enjoy--and would I be able to enjoy it with Liz or would I be too worked up about worrying that I was copying her, that she didn't want me to be there, that I was out of place or not good enough?

In the end, what can I call my own? What is my motivation? Why am I angsting in an online journal instead of doing work? I skipped class. I skipped class because I had work and laundry to do. Alison is going to kill me...and I find myself not caring.

Does it matter what I have for myself and what I have through others? Isn't the only thing that matters that I give my all to whatever I'm doing, regardless of whether it was my idea or not? But that is exactly what I am not doing.

My mom thinks I've got my family's problems. Seasonal Affective Disorder, Bi-polar Disorder, depression. It would be a handy explanation, something to point to and say, this is why I'm weird. But I don't WANT that. I have enough excuses, I don't need brain chemistry and genes on top of that. It's exactly what I hate when my mother does it, and my father encourages it. I don't want to talk to a psychiatrist, I don't want to take 13 pills morning and evening, I don't want to be dependent on medication for my life. I'm not suicidal, I don't cut on myself or down bottles, I don't want to run away to California to be a waitress. I do sleep a lot or not at all--but that's college. I have had more trouble with school in the fall than the spring the last four years--but by that reasoning I should be fine now, and I'm apparently not.

The drinking thing has been bothering me lately because I don't have a reason for it. I had and have a reason for not smoking, it wasn't just because I wasn't 18 yet. I don't believe in a legal age where you can start killing yourself slowly. But I am still hypocritcal about it, because I don't know what to do around friends who smoke. I haven't had to deal with it until this year, this semester really, because I haven't had any friends who smoke, or at least not spent time with anyone while they were smoking. Liz has a rule where Kaitlyn can't kiss her for an hour after she has a cigarette; Liz has no problem with standing away from friends who are smoking and making these rules. Kaitlyn turned to me and said "but you don't have a rule" and I didn't know what to say. But I was talking about drinking. It was difficult Saturday night. It was less difficult last night because there were more people there; I can hold my own in groups. I just don't have a reason, it just something I don't do. I like to have reasons, because if I don't have reasons, then what the fuck am I doing? I'm underage, yes, but that's not it or I would have an answer when people asked me whether I would drink when I turned 21, and I don't. I don't know. There are alcoholism problems in my family, some of my grandparents, but I'm like an alcoholic who's never had a drink. I have to keep making that decision every time someone asks me, one "no thanks" at a time. It should be easy to do nothing but I don't have that reason.

I need me a purpose. I think it would be blue.
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