(no subject)

[dumblemop]

Good question.

Why am I here? Where's my motivation? What happened to going to class because I like physics, I like math, I like computers, I like to learn?

It's like how I say I stopped acting because of her. If I hadn't had that relationship, if that relationship hadn't been fucked-up, would I have acted anyway? Sure, I did plays and musicals in middle school. Did I do any freshman year? No. Do I tell myself that's because I would never have been able to get to rehearsals with both my parents working? Yes. Is that the real reason? I don't know.

I would have teched. I don't know if I would've acted. I wouldn't have done debate. I would've done stage combat and frisbee, but probably not yoga or self-defense, and definitely not tennis or aerobics. I stayed in chorus but I wasn't brave enough to tell her the real reason, and half the reason I joined chorus in the first place was that Kristi wasn't talking to me. I would have stayed in ASC and GSAC, hell, I would have run ASC and GSAC. I would've gone back to camp. And I would have stayed friends with all those people I stopped talking to.

It's true that being in that relationship fucked me over big time, but how different would my life have been if it hadn't happened? Would I have flunked out of Choate? Because after all, I had a D in English fall term of sophomore year and that was before anything started. I did stay up all the night before my physics exam (which I got a 62! on) talking about llamas, but that didn't have anything to do with me not doing well in English. It did have something to do with me failing History winter term; I deliberately did not meet with my group in order to talk to her on IM--but that was a decision I made. She didn't make me not go, I didn't even tell her that I had somewhere to be. I chose to write that stupid email to Kristi, because of Lindsay. I can't blame other people for my own misguided and fucking stupid decisions, but I can't blame myself for other people's decisions either. Kristi didn't leave because of me, she left because of her. Lindsay wasn't a control freak and everything else because of me, that was all her.

Then there's the problem that I don't know how to be in a normal relationship. Do I want to be on the Freedom board because Liz was on the board or because I actually want to do it? I hadn't thought of it until Zach mentioned it--but it was Zach that mentioned it. Did I want to be on the Lit board because Lindsay was on it or because I wanted to do it? I'd wanted to do it since I'd gotten there, I was on Lodestar, but did I ever actually find out how to get on it until Lindsay wanted to do it? Do I want to do 24-hour play because Liz is so excited about it or because it's something that I would actually enjoy--and would I be able to enjoy it with Liz or would I be too worked up about worrying that I was copying her, that she didn't want me to be there, that I was out of place or not good enough?

In the end, what can I call my own? What is my motivation? Why am I angsting in an online journal instead of doing work? I skipped class. I skipped class because I had work and laundry to do. Alison is going to kill me...and I find myself not caring.

Does it matter what I have for myself and what I have through others? Isn't the only thing that matters that I give my all to whatever I'm doing, regardless of whether it was my idea or not? But that is exactly what I am not doing.

My mom thinks I've got my family's problems. Seasonal Affective Disorder, Bi-polar Disorder, depression. It would be a handy explanation, something to point to and say, this is why I'm weird. But I don't WANT that. I have enough excuses, I don't need brain chemistry and genes on top of that. It's exactly what I hate when my mother does it, and my father encourages it. I don't want to talk to a psychiatrist, I don't want to take 13 pills morning and evening, I don't want to be dependent on medication for my life. I'm not suicidal, I don't cut on myself or down bottles, I don't want to run away to California to be a waitress. I do sleep a lot or not at all--but that's college. I have had more trouble with school in the fall than the spring the last four years--but by that reasoning I should be fine now, and I'm apparently not.

The drinking thing has been bothering me lately because I don't have a reason for it. I had and have a reason for not smoking, it wasn't just because I wasn't 18 yet. I don't believe in a legal age where you can start killing yourself slowly. But I am still hypocritcal about it, because I don't know what to do around friends who smoke. I haven't had to deal with it until this year, this semester really, because I haven't had any friends who smoke, or at least not spent time with anyone while they were smoking. Liz has a rule where Kaitlyn can't kiss her for an hour after she has a cigarette; Liz has no problem with standing away from friends who are smoking and making these rules. Kaitlyn turned to me and said "but you don't have a rule" and I didn't know what to say. But I was talking about drinking. It was difficult Saturday night. It was less difficult last night because there were more people there; I can hold my own in groups. I just don't have a reason, it just something I don't do. I like to have reasons, because if I don't have reasons, then what the fuck am I doing? I'm underage, yes, but that's not it or I would have an answer when people asked me whether I would drink when I turned 21, and I don't. I don't know. There are alcoholism problems in my family, some of my grandparents, but I'm like an alcoholic who's never had a drink. I have to keep making that decision every time someone asks me, one "no thanks" at a time. It should be easy to do nothing but I don't have that reason.

I need me a purpose. I think it would be blue.

Comments

[radicaldreaming.livejournal.com]

I know exactly how you feel. It's funny how sometimes your own motivations are such a huge mystery.

What I do is try to monitor my own emotions to give me clues to my motivation. If I notice an acute emotional peek--a sharp uncomfortable feeling, or a bolt of excitement--I look for the sources of these, and try to put the pieces together. It's kinda like that trick where you're trying to decide between two things, and you assign each choice to the side of a coin and flip it. Whatever the outcome is, monitor your *gut* basic reaction to what the choice will be; it helps to weed out what you really want.

I hope that helps. I notice that if I go through a process different explanations, when I hit the right one, all the pieces fall immediately into place and I know beyond a doubt that I have the explanation.

[johanna17.livejournal.com]

hahah I TOTALLY do that - like "Oh, it came up heads... um... I pick the other option!"

[dumblemop.livejournal.com]

I'm sick of doing things just because I'm expected to. I'm not saying there aren't things I have to do, just that it seems that if I don't have an additional reason for doing them, they won't get done. And they need to get done. So.

Yeah. I have trouble trusting myself sometimes, which makes it difficult to fully trust other people, which makes my life hell.

Thanks. Everything helps.

[johanna17.livejournal.com]

I think that's a really hard place to be - not knowing exactly why you are picking something or not picking something or whatever... and I think everyone is there at some point.

Maybe a better question to ask sometime (as far as are you doing plays because of Liz or anything else) is... does the answer matter? Does it make it inherently "bad" if you are choosing one thing because of someone else, or does it just make it "bad" in our society where you are supposed to be yourself and only yourself (whatever "being yourself" actually means)

I am mostly speaking from a lot of personal experience, I guess... but I know that sometimes decisions I've made because of someone outside of me have terrified the HELL out of me... not because they are inherently bad decisions, but because I'm afraid if some people knew the reasons they would be like "WTF!!? No, seriously, WTF?!"

And maybe the really scary thing is that if the decision DOESN'T work out for some reason (if you go to the play and you HATE it or something hORRIBLE happens)... a gut reaction might be to sort of blame the other person or at least your relationship with the other person, which can breed resentment on some level. Or to think back and be like "if only I did X"... when like you mentioned about your ex, you still made the decision in the end, for whatever reason...

And if the decision you make feels right when you are making it - I don't think you can blame anyone or anything - not even your self - if it goes wrong. Every second something is changing the way that everything else will go... so it's notj ust about the decisions you make, it's everything else that happens

Blah... I'm babbling and I don't know if this makes sense to you at all... ignore it if it doesn't or if it doesn't fit... but that's what came to mind :-P

[dumblemop.livejournal.com]

Yeah. Sometimes I don't care why I'm doing something when I should, and sometimes I care when I shouldn't, and sometimes everything is just fucked-up and I'm not paying enough attention to realize why.

I guess that's a good point. Does the answer matter in itself or only because I'm afraid of other people's reaction to whatever degree?

I don't know. I guess everyone makes bad decisions, but those decisions are still yours. You always have a choice, even if the choice isn't one you like. If something comes out wrong, you still have to own that decision and deal with the consequences and understand that it may not have anything to do with the decision(s) you made except in the sense that every action and decision is connected in some way.

Now I'm the one babbling. But it did make sense and thank you.

[johanna17.livejournal.com]

yeah choices sometimes suck. <--- most profound statement ever :-P

[kamili.livejournal.com]

As much as it sounds like a lot of this thinking really hurts right now, I must say it looks hella healthy from the outside that you're at least thinking it. I've had similar problems of trying to seperate my own motivations from others, and it kind of sucks to look back on some of them. However, it does mean that I feel a lot more confident about my actions now.

As far as the mental problems, hoo boy. Let me just say, that at least for me, drugs were *not* the answer. But talking to a good counselor does a heckuva lot of good. If you think there might be problems, it might be good to try it out. Cause I didn't and then I got pushed into it and onto meds for a while. Crazy pills didn't make nearly as much difference as talking, self-examination and a lot of badminton/poi/running.

[dumblemop.livejournal.com]

Yeah. It does hurt, but it's good for me. Everything can't always be dandilions and butterflies. And I build up and reconstruct my perception of myself in ways that I wouldn't be able to if I wasn't willing to let it hurt.

Yeah. Drugs seem to help my brother most of the time, but I think they're only a supplement to the whole rest of his life. They don't seem to help my mother at all. Talking to counselors hasn't helped me a lot in the past, but it wasn't something that I had chosen to do and I think I made a special effort to be "normal" because I don't like the feeling of being evaluated. We'll see.

[kamili.livejournal.com]

Yeah, drugs seem to patch problems instead of actually fixing them. Which is really not a great long-term solution. I can't tell you the difference talking to a counselor by choice makes. Oh wow. Choate threw me into therapy along with half of our class freshman year and I *hated* it. This time around, I basically decided to say "Fuck it." I just spewed out everything in my head, figured if she thought I was a really strange person, I never had to see her again, and it worked. No special effort to be normal, and all of a sudden I was actually getting something out of it.

[dumblemop.livejournal.com]

I had to talk to Char after my brother left school, and then some other woman, and then my brother's psychiatrist after I failed History sophomore year. Smile and nod. I'm well-adjusted, really. No problems here. Yeah. I'll remember that.

[kamili.livejournal.com]

Char. Dear god. I haven't thought of that woman in a good long time, and I was happy that way. She is not on my list of favorite people...or people I respect at all.

[dumblemop.livejournal.com]

Ick. Sorry.

[clotpolelis.livejournal.com]

I dunno, seeing Char has helped me a lot. I guess for me it was more an issue of wanting to fix myself, and once I'd decided to do so she was a big help. I found her to be very helpful... But
i think it takes a certain kind of person to get along with her.

[dumblemop.livejournal.com]

Char made my skin crawl. I did not feel safe with Char, and I cannot spill my guts to people I'm not safe with. If you can handle her, be my guest and I'm glad she's helpful to you. :)

[kamili.livejournal.com]

Char broke confidence and tried to manipulate me against my roommate cause she thought it was best for her. She was wrong, and eventually figured that out, and it meant that I compeltely lost all trust in her. Basically, she did something that she's a) not allowed to do and b) was completely out of line.

[clotpolelis.livejournal.com]

FAir enough; I see how that would bother you about her. However, she's helped me get through two very difficult times, and she saw oth me and my boyfriend separately for a month but never ever broke confidence with either of us; she only used her knowledge of us to better understand our relationship and help us to make it more healthy. She's helped me a lot (but I know she's not good for everyone...).

[kamili.livejournal.com]

On another note, yeah that e-mail sucked.

And I did leave because of me, and the simultaneity of my dad's cancer with everything else. I needed to be home. I really regret hurting you, and I know I screwed that up, but I couldn't be there, and I wasn't in a place to give you pretty much anything. I'm sorry.

[dumblemop.livejournal.com]

I can't tell you how sorry I am about that.

I could have been less and more pretty much everything about it. I wasn't a very good person then. Yes, I didn't understand what was going on, but did I really have to react like that? But I did. And I'm sorry.

[kamili.livejournal.com]

I'm also sorry that it seems that things didn't work out with Lindsay, and everything else. I'm not sure what happened, but you were generally a really nice person, and I think you deserve better than what it sounds like went down. Part of what kept me from being really upset by you cutting me off was that I thought you were at least going to be happy.

[dumblemop.livejournal.com]

Jesus Christ. Three years: some of it was wonderful, some of it sucked, none of it was healthy. And I guess you get what you dish out; she stopped talking to me in December and I haven't heard a word from her since. And it's just kind of sad that my whole time at Choate and thus pretty much all of high school is colored by that experience. I cut everyone off, you, everyone I used to hang out with while you were still there, my family. And there were plenty of things I could have done about that and I did nothing. She would tell me that I always had a choice whenever she would get horribly upset; apparently she didn't notice that I chose her every time.

So yeah. I have regrets.

[kamili.livejournal.com]

Eesh. Just stopped talking to you? That's awful.

Given the level of emotional control and abuse it sounds like was at work, I hope you won't be offended when I say I'm happy that you're out of that. Sounds like you're a bit healthier on the relationship front these days.

[dumblemop.livejournal.com]

Yeah, it was kind of like "So I'm not going to talk to you or see you anymore because you're holding me back and giving me emotional trauma and my parents hate you, but I still expect you to carry on exactly as before and never change and never speak to anyone else ever again--don't think you're off the hook just because you're not at my beck and call anymore. By the way, I love you but hate everything about you and you've never done a single good thing in your life."

No, not offended, given that I'm happy I'm out of that too. I am doing much better these days. It's complicated, and I get confused and mixed up sometimes, but so far we've all come through.

[kamili.livejournal.com]

Shit. Can I smack that girl? Not cool at all.

[dumblemop.livejournal.com]

<3

[kamili.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

Btw, I'm kind of glad you tracked me down.

[dumblemop.livejournal.com]

*hugs* I'm glad I am. I was so stupid. It's nice to talk to you again.

[dumblemop.livejournal.com]

<3.

[novawolf.livejournal.com]

I don't have much in the way of advice, but the thoughts in your head look hella familiar. And I agree with Kristi in that I think it's good to think through this stuff. Don't write off medication - I know many people who greatly benefit from it...because they actually legitimately need it. Using it as a "patch" is, of course, a bad plan. But you know that.

And I do drink, but what confuses me about it is the reason to do it, not the reason not to. It's kind of an inherently weird human activity.

[dumblemop.livejournal.com]

Yeah...communication, even (especially?) if it's with yourself, is always better than stewing. I'm learning that.

Yeah...I guess not only do I not have a real reason not to, I don't understand why people do it in the first place.

[clotpolelis.livejournal.com]

*huggles* What matters now is that you're out of it. And even when the two of you were a couple, I still counted you as a friend... But damn am I glad she isn't speaking to you. I was really really worried about you the whole time you two were together, because I could just see you withdrawing more and more from the world... You have no idea how happy it made me to find you again back to the person you were when I first met you.

And I remember my freshman year Izzie and I stayed up late one night discussing whether we thought she was a vampire who'd stolen your soul or something. Ah, the old days.

You kick ass, m'dear. Just thought I'd tell you that.

[dumblemop.livejournal.com]

I always wondered if anyone noticed. Thank you for caring. I wasn't sure whether I could bounce back but I guess I have.

Wow, honestly? You're awesome. <3

Well, thanks. It means a lot that you're still my friend.

[sara-the-lazy.livejournal.com]

Finding your purpose... that's something that I don't think ever really gets clear to anyone. Finding what you want to do for yourself not for others... that's almost as hard. But i think it's ok if you acknowledge the fact that others do influence your actions. Yes, it's important to choose for yourself, but if the people you love influence you... well, that isn't a huge problem. Don't let it feel like you aren't you just because of it. If that makes any sense.

In terms of emotional problems... feel free to talk to me about that. I'm one of those people who's a mixed bag of issues... Mainly depression and anxiety with sprinklings of bipolar and ocd. I'm on several medication (those fuckers are expensive for me, but not for everyone) which does help a lot. It works for me, i can still be my crazy weird fun self but not always either a moping or crying nervous wreck or a bouncing off the walls manic scary person. But, like someone said above, not everyone responds well to drugs. And a lot of times you don't need them. I think the fact that you write in this journal so much probably helps with a lot of stuff. And i'm sure lots of peopple can talk to you if you want. Me included.

"There are alcoholism problems in my family, some of my grandparents, but I'm like an alcoholic who's never had a drink."

*nods* that's why i can't let myself drink. Ever.

~Sara

[dumblemop.livejournal.com]

Yeah, you're getting these entries like looong after I've already gotten to the "fuck it" stage. :) But I appreciate the advice.

*heart*

Yeah. I have ample opportunity at school because a good 3/4s of my friends like to drink, but so far I haven't bitten. Although I don't trust half of that 3/4 enough in the first place, and I promised Liz my alcoholic virginity. Heh.

[sara-the-lazy.livejournal.com]

Heh, i know. My fault for not being on LJ more, but i try to put in my 2 cents.

*less than three* /dork moment

Wow, that's a big proportion of friends drinking, for me i think it's maybe 50%? Still a lot.

~Sara

[dumblemop.livejournal.com]

Hm...I mean, there's the people I spend a lot of time with in Freedom, and you and Ulrich are the only non- or mostly non-drinkers. And of the people I spend a lot of time with on my floor, only my roommate, KT, and Justin don't drink. So that other quarter is really people that I'm ostensibly friends with (mostly other CWITs) but don't spend a lot of time with anyway so of course don't spend time with them in an alcoholic environment.

Or something. It's kind of funny...when I was in high school I don't think I knew anyone (that I knew of at the time, though, I guess) who really drank. But I didn't really have friends in high school, so it's not really a comparable data pool.

[(Anonymous)]

Yeah, none of my friends in high school drank... i was in a close knit group of about 10 though, so that's also not a big pool.

Sara