dumblemop: (faces)
I'm okay. I haven't done any work yet but I'm about to start, but I did laundry earlier. Shows that I'm coping properly by getting shit done. Piper wants to go to sleep but I want to listen to my music loud. I get backaches when I try to use my headphones because they're not long enough. I have donuts and ice coffee that I actually went out with people to get. Actually rather a lot of donuts because I only wanted 6 and they gave me 12.

Donuts anyone?

I'm really alright. I don't think I was overly contemplative but I did think. And I realized that it's hard for you not to stop talking to me if I'm not talking to you, so I'm going to keep my promise to myself about being brave and communicate better. Talk tomorrow? I'm sorry I just kind of turn off when it comes down to it. When it comes down to it, "it gives me belly rumblings when you guys fight." Since that is your song and all. So yeah. I'm alright. I feel a little silly for thinking and saying and doing some things, considering, but bottom line: I love you and you're not going to lose me and we'll talk. And it'll work.

On to physics, and then to bed. I'll...I don't know. Do math homework tomorrow morning. Because I figured out that if I do even okay on this week's homework and quiz, and if I did even okay on Friday's test, then if I get at least a B on the final exam I'll have a B for the class. Shouldn't be too hard, so I'll do my homework in the morning and then I can review for the quiz when I'm normally doing my homework.
dumblemop: (Default)
Your Extroversion Profile:
Cheerfulness: High
Friendliness: High
Sociability: Medium
Excitement Seeking: Low
Activity Level: Very Low
Assertiveness: Very Low

Lol. So I'm a lazy, quiet, optimistic cuddle-whore. That really sums it all up, actually.


You Are The Star

You represent the ultimate in truth and purity.
Insightful and illuminating, you provide guidance for others.
You also demonstrate unselfish, unconditional love.
You posses many spiritual gifts, including the ability to heal.

Your fortune:

Your future is looking brighter by the day.
The near future will be a time of both hope and healing.
Luck is about to come your way, perhaps the best luck you have ever seen.
Life is about to get a lot easier and much better!

Yeah, so this one only had you put in your name. *eyeroll* Got the same one for long and short, think it's only doing the major arcana, and when was the last time I was insightful and illuminating?


You Are The Devil

You don't represent evil, but you do represent the animalistic side of humans.
You demonstrate what happens when we listen to our first instincts.
At times you tend to be materialistic and hedonistic, giving in to temptation.
Admit it, you're guilty of acting first - and forgetting to think later!

Your fortune:

Right now, you may be having a difficult time as a result of choices you have made.
You need to think about what's important in your life, and discover what chains you down.
It is the time to acknowledge your faults and take steps to overcome them.
It's also the time to let go of any fears or inhibitions that are holding you back.

Lol! Dumblemop is the Devil. FACEBOOK IS THE DEVIL TOO!

Alright, alright, work now. Especially because Gmail is being mean. IT/gender thing first, then finish gender analysis. Wish me luck.

Linky:
Cool stuff! (free program substitutes)
Neat Sudoku thing (easy but pretty)
dumblemop: (faces)
That is one of the best ways to end an evening. :)

Alison or Lauren is playing "Take Me or Leave Me." Makes me think of that Saturday.

Also reminds me that I need more practice with Act II. Coming back from Late Night, I think I'm not so bad at Maureen. I think I do Mark best in the end, although I'm not really troubled artist enough for any of them.

Yeah. I need to stop kidding myself and acknowledge that I am not an actor. Stage combat is hella fun, I wish I'd been a techie in high school, and I'll play theatre games for hours once I get my energy up...but if I do not live and breathe theatre, I do not belong on that stage, because I do not have the conviction to fight for a place there.

I'll find my niche someday.

Right now, I've got a paper to write.

Link of the day, because I've been neglecting that:
Best Bumper Stickers (some repeats, oddly)
Trichinosis (political flash video mit Schweine)
dumblemop: (angry)
Good question.

Why am I here? Where's my motivation? What happened to going to class because I like physics, I like math, I like computers, I like to learn?

It's like how I say I stopped acting because of her. If I hadn't had that relationship, if that relationship hadn't been fucked-up, would I have acted anyway? Sure, I did plays and musicals in middle school. Did I do any freshman year? No. Do I tell myself that's because I would never have been able to get to rehearsals with both my parents working? Yes. Is that the real reason? I don't know.

I would have teched. I don't know if I would've acted. I wouldn't have done debate. I would've done stage combat and frisbee, but probably not yoga or self-defense, and definitely not tennis or aerobics. I stayed in chorus but I wasn't brave enough to tell her the real reason, and half the reason I joined chorus in the first place was that Kristi wasn't talking to me. I would have stayed in ASC and GSAC, hell, I would have run ASC and GSAC. I would've gone back to camp. And I would have stayed friends with all those people I stopped talking to.

It's true that being in that relationship fucked me over big time, but how different would my life have been if it hadn't happened? Would I have flunked out of Choate? Because after all, I had a D in English fall term of sophomore year and that was before anything started. I did stay up all the night before my physics exam (which I got a 62! on) talking about llamas, but that didn't have anything to do with me not doing well in English. It did have something to do with me failing History winter term; I deliberately did not meet with my group in order to talk to her on IM--but that was a decision I made. She didn't make me not go, I didn't even tell her that I had somewhere to be. I chose to write that stupid email to Kristi, because of Lindsay. I can't blame other people for my own misguided and fucking stupid decisions, but I can't blame myself for other people's decisions either. Kristi didn't leave because of me, she left because of her. Lindsay wasn't a control freak and everything else because of me, that was all her.

Then there's the problem that I don't know how to be in a normal relationship. Do I want to be on the Freedom board because Liz was on the board or because I actually want to do it? I hadn't thought of it until Zach mentioned it--but it was Zach that mentioned it. Did I want to be on the Lit board because Lindsay was on it or because I wanted to do it? I'd wanted to do it since I'd gotten there, I was on Lodestar, but did I ever actually find out how to get on it until Lindsay wanted to do it? Do I want to do 24-hour play because Liz is so excited about it or because it's something that I would actually enjoy--and would I be able to enjoy it with Liz or would I be too worked up about worrying that I was copying her, that she didn't want me to be there, that I was out of place or not good enough?

In the end, what can I call my own? What is my motivation? Why am I angsting in an online journal instead of doing work? I skipped class. I skipped class because I had work and laundry to do. Alison is going to kill me...and I find myself not caring.

Does it matter what I have for myself and what I have through others? Isn't the only thing that matters that I give my all to whatever I'm doing, regardless of whether it was my idea or not? But that is exactly what I am not doing.

My mom thinks I've got my family's problems. Seasonal Affective Disorder, Bi-polar Disorder, depression. It would be a handy explanation, something to point to and say, this is why I'm weird. But I don't WANT that. I have enough excuses, I don't need brain chemistry and genes on top of that. It's exactly what I hate when my mother does it, and my father encourages it. I don't want to talk to a psychiatrist, I don't want to take 13 pills morning and evening, I don't want to be dependent on medication for my life. I'm not suicidal, I don't cut on myself or down bottles, I don't want to run away to California to be a waitress. I do sleep a lot or not at all--but that's college. I have had more trouble with school in the fall than the spring the last four years--but by that reasoning I should be fine now, and I'm apparently not.

The drinking thing has been bothering me lately because I don't have a reason for it. I had and have a reason for not smoking, it wasn't just because I wasn't 18 yet. I don't believe in a legal age where you can start killing yourself slowly. But I am still hypocritcal about it, because I don't know what to do around friends who smoke. I haven't had to deal with it until this year, this semester really, because I haven't had any friends who smoke, or at least not spent time with anyone while they were smoking. Liz has a rule where Kaitlyn can't kiss her for an hour after she has a cigarette; Liz has no problem with standing away from friends who are smoking and making these rules. Kaitlyn turned to me and said "but you don't have a rule" and I didn't know what to say. But I was talking about drinking. It was difficult Saturday night. It was less difficult last night because there were more people there; I can hold my own in groups. I just don't have a reason, it just something I don't do. I like to have reasons, because if I don't have reasons, then what the fuck am I doing? I'm underage, yes, but that's not it or I would have an answer when people asked me whether I would drink when I turned 21, and I don't. I don't know. There are alcoholism problems in my family, some of my grandparents, but I'm like an alcoholic who's never had a drink. I have to keep making that decision every time someone asks me, one "no thanks" at a time. It should be easy to do nothing but I don't have that reason.

I need me a purpose. I think it would be blue.
dumblemop: (Default)
I need to stop squealing over Ewan's voice in the one song I have and just see Moulin Rouge already. Why aren't there any recordings of him doing Guys and Dolls??

I also need to write my paper--but I started it! Three paragraphs already! Now I know I'll actually be able to do it. My goal will be two pages before lab, so I'd better get started. [EDIT: Well, I managed a page and a third (double-spaced), but I don't mind because I am now on a roll! And know where I'm going. So all I need is a little time to actually write it and I'm all set. I'll have it done today and then I will be free! Off to lab now.]

What qualities do I have that would make me a good secretary for the Freedom Alliance?

It was so worth it to be half an hour late to class to see Liz for fifteen seconds. Bonus: food!

Tomorrow I need to write my design for Project 5 and do my research for the Women's Studies project. If you see me goofing off, slap me.

...Not really. I'd get touch-shy again and it'd be bad. But verbally, make sure I know I'm an idiot for not doing it.
dumblemop: (piggyback)
And I will be the one to hold you down
Kiss you so hard
I'll take your breath away
And after I wipe away the tears
Just close your eyes, dear


Mmmmm. Knew I liked that song for a reason. Hey, it's Beltane, today of all days, I am allowed to think such things without embarrassment or explanation.

I changed into a yellow and blue skirt and a yellow "top" (as opposed to a shirt, apparently) because it's Beltane and my mood is picking up after a decided zoned Physics test this morning. You can kind of see my bra through the shirt, but I've decided I'm not awake enough to care.

I only came back to my room to change, so now I will go out again and enjoy the nice weather and also get some food before I crash. I cannot believe I'm still awake. I can't believe I actually made it to physics.

Don't let me forget that my new advising meeting is tomorrow at 2 with Spore.

I'm looking forward to this weekend, a lot, but make sure I do my design for Project 5 this week and I don't leave it to the weekend.
dumblemop: (grip)
I was late to my advising meeting so I have to go at 2 tomorrow instead. Oh well.

To kill time because I don't feel like getting started on actual work just yet, I'm going to do the iPod shuffle lyrics thang again ).

I've got "class" at 11 which I may or may not stay for depending on how I did on my quiz/homework. Then I'll eat something and go to my next class. Then I will write my paper for at least two hours, see Liz for food when she gets off work, and then sleep. If I'm not done with my paper in those 2+ hours, I'll wake up again in the evening and do more work.

John apparently got the same graduation present I did, part of it anyway--money for a trip to Europe. He wants to go to Italy with Evelyn, but there's something going on with that? So it'll either be my brother and his girlfriend traipsing around Italy, or my brother stalking Italians. So what am I going to do with my money? I have no idea. We went to France with Bridget and it was great but she'd been my best friend for four years and we were what, twelve? I don't know if I have any friends now that I can just be like "hey...let's go to Europe" and we'd go and it would be great. I don't even remember what the arrangement was supposed to be...it was something like airfare for me and the other person and expenses for me, but the other person would have to pay the rest of theirs. So it's not like I can just pick someone out of a hat. I could always go somewhere in the US that I haven't been.

I don't know. My parents are just getting on me to use the money now that John will be using his, and I don't like that kind of pressure. I don't get enough sleep to think about this right now. And, of course, whenever I come up with ideas I'm still expecting that slap in the face. Did you see me cringe?

I could go visit Alex. That would actually be fucking awesome. But again, who would I take? It's not like my French is worth anything anymore, so England is kinda the most practical. But how are my parents going to take "I'm going to mosey over to England now to hang out with Alex and his piratical mates, and Nathan and Sophie. No, I've never met them in person, but--" Yeeeah, that's about how far that would get.

Anyway. I've slacked enough, I have class, and it looks like there'll be a class in here at 11 as well so I'd better get going. I'll think. If anyone has any suggestions or any burning desires to go somewhere (Pipe, Wyoming? lol.), I'll consider it.

P.S. Happy Beltane! I forgot until the teacher of the class that is in here now started talking about May Day traditions. ...I should probably go.
dumblemop: (look)
It's 5:30AM. I'm naked. I haven't slept yet. I have a Physics exam at 8AM that I haven't studied for yet, and an advising meeting at 9:40 that I haven't looked at classes for yet.

What is wrong with me?

nurr

Apr. 30th, 2006 06:12 pm
dumblemop: (angry)
TYPE J
You scored 62 imagination, 41 confidence, 41 dominance, and 62 generosity!

You are a KINKY, SHY, SUBMISSIVE lover who prefers to GIVE. This means
that:

You like relatively kinky sex, and you have the great imagination that
will always keep your partner guessing and excited! There's no getting
bored with you around, you could never settle for dull sex, you want
something fun and new all the time. You aren't afraid to try out
anything you hear about. You might just be an intelligent lover who
needs to be mentally engaged, or perhaps you have some dirty dark
secret kinky desires, but either way, you're never boring.

You can be a
little shy in bed, so maybe this means that you'd prefer to have sex in
the dark, or maybe just that you have all sorts of naughty ideas
bubbling under the surface but can't quite work up the confidence to
speak about most of them. Sometimes it takes you a while to speak up
about what you like, and you aren't very confident in your talents but
I bet your lovers would say otherwise, I'm sure your sweet nature is
far more welcome than egotistical boasting.

You tend to be submissive
in bed, so you prefer to go along with what your lover likes rather
than your own plans. You might like being ordered around and acting out
a slave/master fantasy, or perhaps you just get turned on by being
helpless and unable to move. Or maybe it's as simple as you lacking
courage so prefering firm instructions in bed to make sure you are
doing things right. Either way, you won't be dominating your lover
anytime soon, and might prefer the missionary position to any others.

You prefer to give than recieve. This makes you a very unselfish lover,
devoted to the needs of your partner rather than your own. You get your
pleasure from seeing them get theirs, you are a model sex partner. I'm
sure plenty of people would love to have someone like you in bed with
them! Remember though that if your partner gets pleasure from returning
the favour it's okay to let them, they might love giving as much as you
do!

WE SUGGEST YOU TRY:
Fun and games! Try out those sex games for a lively evening, wether it
be spinning that bottle, playing naked twister, or strip poker, we know
you have the imagination and the sense of fun that will make these
games a great time, and will mean you get to give your lover a wild
time! Playing games will help you feel less shy and will give you
plenty of instruction so you dare to do what you might not have before.



My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:
free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 37% on imagination
free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 19% on confidence
free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 33% on dominance
free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 37% on generosity
Link: The What's your sexual style? Test written by lu-mina on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

Interesting. Although I find it ironic that I definitely said "would rather have sex with the lights on" and the write-up says off. And I love kinky sex but may prefer the missionary position the best? Stupid test is heterocentrist anyway.

After a tiny bit of thought, I may only like the idea of straight sex. I may never understand myself, but that's less of a problem every day.

I was being less than honest with myself earlier...the real reason I was reluctant to add Jillian was because she always checked J's LJ when we were at school. And I realized today that the person I knew probably doesn't exist anymore, and I said "fuck it" to the internet stalking a couple of entries back, so the hell with that.

Update on the weekend and further musing later, I'm supposed to be programming.

Here's a link:
ASCII-O-Matic
And the related Rasterbator

P.S. I just figured out that I was making a STUPID mistake and that's why my program wasn't running properly. It wasn't anything to do with *s and &s at all!

:)

Apr. 27th, 2006 06:14 pm
dumblemop: (piggyback)
I'm beat. But it was worth it.

Work now.
dumblemop: (grip)
I admit it. I'm stalking Liz's journals again. I'm getting one of my loneliness bouts. Various corners and edges are making significant dents in my palms and feet. I told you that I think of these things at the most inappropriate times. It can't get more inappropriate than this. I'm sorry.

I am a seatbelt!
Find your own pose!


No idea what that means.

DisorderYour Score
Major Depression:Very Slight
Dysthymia:Slight
Bipolar Disorder:Moderate
Cyclothymia:Very High
Seasonal Affective Disorder:Slight-Moderate
Postpartum Depression:N/A
Take the Depression Test

Lovely.

I'm such a girl. I'm sitting here with a pint of ice cream and a basket of chocolate. I don't even think I can eat the whole thing, I just wanted some ice cream and I have flex to burn. I should've gotten something non-chocolate. It's easier to eat more of strawberry or something fruity like that than chocolate for some reason. I think I would kill for one of those strawberry fruit sorbet bars on a stick.

I watched "40-year-old Virgin" with Justin, Alison, Josh, Eric, and sort of Lauren, because I knew I wasn't going to do any work anyway so I might as well spend the time staring at a screen with people instead of staring at a screen alone. It was pretty bad but I laughed anyway, just to have something to laugh at.

It's funny, I write all these angsty entries and my comments just plummet.

I spent a good hour today hunting for poly and pan LJ communities. I'm not really sure why. It's funny, reading stories from poly people's lives, it seems like everyone does it differently than we do. I don't even know where I picked up on the idea. I think it might have been the same website as where I picked up on furry culture. But I stumbled across furry because I was researching polyamory--but where did I come up with polyamory before that?

It's strange how these things just sort of creep into your life. I had no idea what I was getting into that night. I was just not shielding at all, and Liz just stepped up--and by some unexplained phenomenon, felt similarly. And had a girlfriend who wasn't averse to it. And then suddenly we were us. Am I unjustified in thinking of it that way? I don't want to end up with some undeserved sense of belonging if that's not actually the case. This is just how I feel, and I'm in a disclosure-because-I-have-nothing-else-to-do mood. There's just...there's just nothing better than coming up behind Liz in the dark and having her turn around and say "Baby!" with that look on her face, or waking up wrapped around Kaitlyn. I feel like you're both my alpha, if that makes sense. It kind of has to be that way, given that you're each other's alpha, but I think it just is that way.

I think I'm being mean to Matt. I wore my gay agenda shirt today and ran into him in the Commons at lunch and tried to get him to do Day of Silence again. He still won't do it. He wants to hang out this weekend. I really don't know if I'll be in the mood.

I need cuddling. It took a lot of willpower not to ask to watch the movie draped on Justin, because he was the one sitting with me on the couch. I don't like to make people uncomfortable for no reason, and CWIT is not a cuddly crowd. And it wouldn't have felt right. I need my Liz and my Kaitlyn. Not that I feel like I'm not allowed to cuddle with anyone else, it just...I don't need just cuddling, I need them, and they're not here, so I have this vacuum that I shouldn't just fill.

I'm pretty sure Lindsay was polyamorous at heart, she just didn't want to admit it. Judging by the number of guys that went through my head, I'd say that's a yes. She also didn't want anyone else around her to be the same way--it was all about her. She always told me I'd find a Rosie after she went off to the Undying Lands. Single-handedly almost ruined Tolkien for me now.

Whatever. I'm just saying things to have something to say, because the truth is that I should not be feeling the way I'm feeling right now. Not the time. But there it is. I'm eating to have something in my mouth, and I keep rubbing my hands on the edges of the desk.

I miss my girls.

I feel like everything is so fluid now. Change is by and large good, and growth, and all that, but I don't take the blatant disruption of what schedule I have very well. I'll ditch anything to spend time with Liz, but I have my little patterns. I guess this is just one of those things that I need to learn that I can't base my functioning around her. Did it have to be because of something like this?

Don't let me forget that tomorrow is Day of Silence, because I'll forget and wear yellow or something.

I've got to go to bed. If I'm not going to work, I cannot stay up any later than this and hope to function tomorrow because tomorrow I absolutely must work. If you see me not working, smack me. They're going to be drained and Liz is still going to have to call her show. I can't be all pansy and angst and insomnia. I'm not good at being strong. I'll get spiders, I'll clean up broken objects, I'll fix computers, I'll lift boxes...these head and heart things are not my strong point. Especially with people I care so strongly about. My brother is the exception, I guess, because I've known him for seventeen years.

I'm not used to being an adult. I always expect my parents to tell me what I can and can't do. It's weird when I actually come up with something and they think it's a great idea. I don't even know what that has to do with anything. Nothing, it has nothing to do with anything. My mind just won't turn off. It's the new moon in two days.

Alright. I need to go to bed. J'espère que vous êtes bien. Je vous aime.
dumblemop: (Default)
I had a weird, long, drawn-out dream last night. Probably because I wasn't really asleep for most of the night. I'm such a hypocrite. "My worrying has no effect on the outcome of anything," so I've been freaking out all yesterday and last night why?

I give up. I just give up. I didn't get a call last night so I'm going to assume that everything is as fine as could be expected and just do my work. They'll be back tomorrow.

I'd like to think I could have driven if I needed to. I'd like to think that wouldn't be beyond my limits. I'd like to think so.

So far, "Barbie Girl" is the best song I can come up with for the drag show. I'm not entirely sure it's suited to the characters, but then again, I don't know the characters, and it's upbeat and could be funny. It's not my show.

I've got class...well, in twenty minutes or so. I guess I'll go make a show of having everything together. I'll eat between Physics and Comp Sci, I'll hang out in the library or something and work on my paper between lecture and lab, and then I'll finish it tonight. If I get it done early I can start on my project so I'm not doing it Sunday night. Maybe I'll watch Boston Legal with Pipe.

I made an anklet. I was trying to make something else but I didn't have the right kind of string because she has all my good beading things. It's a little like the wish anklet I had in high school, but it only has three beads and I didn't have rainbow colors--in fact, I only had one kind of bead that would fit on hemp, because I'm used to working with floss. The three are supposed to stand for peace, love, and joy (although for some reason I keep thinking "peace, love, security" in my head; security falls inside peace) and it's supposed to transfer to the people I'm around and recharge while I'm asleep. I haven't programmed that part into it yet; I need a little more energy for it. I re-did my altar when I re-did my room. I still don't have my candle so I put Gandalf in the center.

You asked me if it was for no reason. Did you notice I was acting a little strangely before and after that question? I did. I'm sorry. Something in your tone just got me a little flustered and I didn't react well. I don't know how to deal with that searching interrogative manner anymore. Searching means you're looking for a specific answer and I have never been able to get the right answer and it...I panicked. Ask me again later if you want to know.

Alright, this fucking text box is expanding on me, so I am done with this entry.
dumblemop: (piggyback)
Thought it was time for a little change. That and my work ethic is CRAP.

So I got The Dresden Dolls' new CD Yes, Virginia yesterday and it is a-mazing. Also after I took my shower today, when I decided that I couldn't really hang around naked anymore, I decided to put on my France-skirt, my interesting socks, and my clunky boots. They'll probably disappear by the time I go anywhere, but they're fun to wear even if no one sees them. It's a completely mismatched outfit (wish I had my black tanktop) but fun. It's funny...when I'm girly I try to have things go together; when I'm being a guy I could care less.

I have to call the bank to tell them I got my new card, but I hate using the phone because I never know what to expect. I'm not very good at thinking on my feet, especially when people are depending on me to do so.

I wrote some haiku on Wednesday which I may put up here as well.

Cutting this here 'cause I just realized it was gigantorz. )

Marriage

Apr. 17th, 2006 03:29 am
dumblemop: (ewan)
Something I wrote for a Gaia Extended Discussion thread about gay marriage. Since I spent a hella long time on it and it's now 3:30 AM 'cause I am an INSOMNIAC, I thought I would post it. The thread I am replying to basically said that pride (marches, parades, buttons, etc) is an essential component of the fight for marriage equality.

Cut 'cause it's GINORMOUS )

Haha, I got a "May I take this moment to stay that you are fucking awesome?" from Sean. :heart:

Thanks to Johanna for the "your marriage has nothing to do with anyone else's marriage" argument. :)

Also, I got my program done on time and it works! Thanks to Liz. <3 God it feels good to get work done and kick people's debate asses. I should do this more often.

And now it's time for bed.
dumblemop: (trap)
This new navigation bar at the top is really handy. I don't have to click on my info or a comments page to get useful links.

In other news, I am really fucking sore. Like holy fuck sore. Also I woke up at a quarter to one when I was supposed to get up at nine and work. 'Cause I couldhave gotten up at nine JUST FINE but I didn't. So now I'm going to stop slacking off, get some lunch/breakfast because I finished all my pizza last night with the help of Alison, and start working. Program first, then papers.

It's kinda funny...in my cellphone's messages, the first message is from Dan saying that my greeting is the most depressing one he's ever heard, and the second message is from Liz saying that my greeting is awfully somber. Remind me to change that greeting, because people hear the greeting more often than me because my phone is always dead or not with me. But I've been pretty good about charging it and carrying it lately. Haha, Alison is totally right that this relationship is good for me. :P

I get a huge kick out of my StumbleUpon toolbar, by the way. If anyone ever wants some totally random sites to brighten their day, I can hook you up.

It's a nice day. Alison and Justin both invited me to their Easter dinner type things, but I declined partly because I do have a lot of work to get done, and partly because I realized that my family hasn't really been a huge one for Easter, and I wouldn't exactly know what to do. I mean, we get Easter baskets with chocolate and candy and little stuffed creatures--remind me to open my Easter box that came in the mail Friday :D--but it's not really a whole...thing like Christmas is. I mean, Christmas we do Advent, and we even went to the church services before we moved to CT. The only time I can clearly remember going to church on Easter is sophomore year when I went with Lindsay; she was Methodist and thought my family showed an apalling lack of faith. Good Friday didn't have anything to do with Jesus' death, it just meant that we would get chocolate on Sunday; Easter didn't have anything to do with Jesus' resurrection, it just meant that we got chocolate.

It was a little weird to be in church that day. It was one of the ones on Main St, Baptist I think. There was a lot about Jesus coming back to life and how that was pretty much the whole point of Christianity. I like Jesus, I'm sure he was a great guy as they go, but pre-death Jesus is the person who has the most meaning for me. The resurrection just doesn't do it for me. I'm not saying that the standard Neopagan God-Goddess-wheel of the year thing makes any more sense from a logical standpoint than Christianity's Trinity-resurrection thing. I mean, come on. The Goddess goes from Maiden to Mother to Crone and then back to Maiden through the course of a year, and somewhere during all that marries and then gives birth to the God; and while the God is the Holly King half the year and the Oak King the other half, simultaneously he is dying, being reborn, and then marrying his mother-consort. I mean, if you look at it that way, that's weird. I mean, I do need to brush up on my Neopagan wheel of the year events since ASC disbanded, but that's the basic gist. Is the idea that the Holy Spirit (God) impregnates a mortal woman, who then gives birth to Jesus, the Son (also God), who then performs a bunch of miracles, dies, is resurrected, and rejoins his Father (also God), really so much weirder than that? Not to mention if you actually want to go into various cultures' true traditions and beliefs as opposed to just looking at the Neopagan conglomerate, you'll find some weirder things.

So why can't I get along with Easter? I can get along with Christmas just fine, and I'm not talking about the ratio of presents here. Easter just doesn't speak to me the same way other things do; I get no personal meaning from it. I mean, it's the same with some of the Neopagan holidays too. I love Beltane, Samhain, Mabon, and Yule, but I've never been able to get a feel for Imbolc, Ostara, Lammas, and Lughnasadh. Ask me to write a ritual for the first four and I could probably do it with a little research; ask me to write one for the other four and I would simply have no inspiration. I mean, it's hard to celebrate Beltane without a partner or partners, and it's hard to celebrate Mabon without a harvest, and I don't like celebrating holidays alone in the first place, so I haven't actually done anything for any of them in a couple of years. But I'd like to.

Anyway. It's 2:14 so I'll probably go to the Grill instead, and I really need to get started on my work.

Aaand now it's 2:30 because I replied to Lis's comment instead of getting dressed. She suggested I visit for Beltane. I wish I could, because that would, honestly, be awesome. I probably shouldn't miss classes, but I could. It's just a long drive for someone with neither license nor car to make, and while I can convince myself that I could miss the classes I would miss and be fine, that's a certain practicality I just can't get around. Hee, this reminds me of sneaking out without day permissions in Lauren's mom's car for Yule that one time.

Anyway: the redux. I can no longer convince my stomach that food is on its way in a few minutes, I swear, so I'm going to go eat and then actually get started on my work, because I promised myself I would get all my work done this weekend. That way it'll be done and I won't be such a hypocrite telling Liz to do her drafting work next week.

The Remus Lupins have really shuffled their songs around. I need to get their CDs before they disappear and leave me without my favorite wizard rock music. Why can't I teleport yet?! That way I could've just popped over to their CD release party in LA, and I could just pop up to Beltane, and Liz could just pop up to see Kaitlyn when they each had a free hour or two instead of having to leave time for driving. Oh well.
dumblemop: (incest)
So I got out of Natalie's car about fifteen minutes ago and I couldn't walk. And this isn't the "I still can't move from the amazing sex I just had a couple of hours ago" kind of couldn't walk, this is the "I woke up twelve hours ago to play five back-to-back games of frisbee in Converse and I don't know whether the brown that stops precisely at my ankles is sock tan or dirt" kind of couldn't walk. I think I killed my calves. I'm pretty sure I killed my arches, and I peeled three or four layers of skin off my feet over the course of the day, but at least they didn't give me those awful blisters that my regular sneakers do. Remind me to get cleats for next year. At least we lost all our games so we don't have to go back tomorrow and I can get some rest.

I am going to finish all of my women's studies backwork and my comp sci project by the end of this weekened if it takes me from now until midnight Sunday.

Liz, if those were your text messages last night at like 10:30, I got them, but my phone won't let me reply to them or even tell me who they're from. So yeah. If those were your <3s they made me very happy and I was able to pull out my cellphone and look at them today when I just did not want to play another game and then go out there...and if they weren't your <3s, they still made me happy but I'd be pretty confused now. :P

We scored a total of five points, I think. Four against Hopkins, and one against Maryland CP. I assisted Maura on one of those, but I can't remember which one. It wasn't until the third game that I figure out that when people yelled "no bagel" they meant they didn't want a shut-out. 'Cause the 0 looks like a bagel.

I borrowed a shirt from Bullet and then from Icebox, so I didn't have to be lame.

Had some interesting cheers as Team O!, which I will post under a cut so lazy people or people who just don't care don't have to look at them.

Cuuuuuuuut )

Remind me to pay Sarah back for the food. It was a $10 admission fee and Pat wanted a dollar for overnighting the waivers, which I'd forgotten when I packed this morning so I only had $13 bucks on me. It's funny that there are people to whom it would never occur that someone might not want lettuce and tomato on every sandwich in existence, but it turned out not to be that bad. Hell, it was food, and we'd already had three games.

I ran into Kanika though, that was neat. She goes to George Washington and we played them first, and she happens to be on their Ultimate team. We played St. Mary's, which I had actually really liked but couldn't apply to, and American, who I did apply to but they were way too expensive the whole time and I don't even remember if I got in or not. They did have a Jamba Juice in their cafeteria and a suspiciously Unitarian-esque interfaith center though. St. Mary's calls themselves Smuts, for St. Mary's Ultimate Team. We heard people yelling "Go smuts!" and I figured that out.

Well, now I know the difference between a bid and a lay out, I've gotten a little better with zone, I still can't keep up with cuts without cleats, but I still need to know what a scoober is and how to call pick. I had some good D; I jumped up and knocked two frisbees down, one in the endzone and one close to the endzone I think. I could also hear handlers not throwing to people I was covering because I was keeping up for once, and I didn't get broken. I had one really good cut and then I lost my balance trying to dump to Bullet and the wind took it. I also had one amazing catch that someone else had already dropped, but then I threw it away trying to get it to Bullet before even stall 3 and then lost my man trying to listen to Bullet tell me to wait next time and she scored when I couldn't catch up. I need to work on not trying to get rid of the disk as soon as I get it. I actually get it so rarely though that I never quite know what to do with it when I do get it. Oh well. I'll get better with practice and I played hard, and it was fun. And it was our first five games as a team ever, and we scored five points.

I don't know. I like the women's team. Maybe partly because Pat can be kind of an asshole. I wasn't sure I would go for it because of the whole "if you're on the women's team you are definitely a girl" thing, like how Alison and Lauren (and Lindsay and Natalie and Icebox and KY) are in ASK and it seems like a great organization but I'd never join, but I like Team O!.

Ulitmate is an interesting sport because it's self-refereed. Someone on Maryland had to call foul against Maura because they basically tripped over each other trying to get the disk in the endzone and rolled. So it wasn't anyone's fault because Maura didn't do it on purpose, but the girl's ability to get the disk had been impeded so it was a foul, but she was totally reluctant to call it because she knew it was an accident.

We played a round of WAH with Hopkins after our game with them and I totally kicked ass at it. I got out like immediately the first and only other time I played it, when we learned it from Middlebury at Huck before spring break. But it was me and KY there at the end so Icebox had us do Vegetable to determine the winner. One Eye called out squash and apparently they really liked my squash, so I won. :) That was fun.

Well, now it's 7:20 and the dining hall is closed, but I finally have money because I went to the bank and cashed and deposited my checks and put in for a new card on Friday--won't my mommy be so proud of me--so maybe I'll get Chinese or pizza. After I take a shower though, because I just licked the back of my hand and tasted a lot of salt and I'm still not sure if that's sock tan or dirt on my legs. I didn't forget my sunscreen this time and put it on twice, so at least I'm not burned. Everyone else was slinging around SPF 15...SPF 45, baby. That must have been why I burned so badly at graduation, because I was out there in the sun for two-and-a-half hours with only a light coating of 15.

I'm sleepy. I miss Liz, and I've been missing Kaitlyn. But I'll be alright. Liz will be back on Monday, and...I'm not sure when we get to see Kaitlyn next. The picnic, I think, 'cause of next week being tech day. Aww. But Liz said she'd go down and see her during the week sometime, so that makes it better. I love my Liz and my Kaitlyn. :) Maybe I'll go play some Ultimate at the fundraiser thing instead of going to Quadmania. I'll think about it.

Also, no more friends-only 'cause a few things in my head have cleared up. But I don't want to go back through all my entries and make them public again, so it'll just be that way from here out.

Also I need an Ultimate nickname already! When Pat calls us out with "how are you feeling????" I can't say things like "Summonned!" (Drew-chu) or "Like an AK-47!" (Bullet) or "Liquid!" (KY).
dumblemop: (ewan)
I have a hard time figuring out what people think of me. So I try to ignore the instinct to freeze up. It seems to be working a lot better than usual lately. I'm not sure why. Maybe this is the wellspring of confidence stirring the cockles of my heart. :P

I'm having a really good week. Ever since...well, Saturday. :) Friday was a little stressful what with the project 2 design being due, and I'm sure I'll be stressed some more at the close of this week because of project 2 being actually due and what seems to be a hard math assignment. I should have done more work during the day on Monday and Tuesday even though I didn't really have anything due. I get distracted by the "oh, that's not due until later in the week" thing, even though that means that if I don't do much work early in the week I get slammed with all the work that's due on Thursdays and Fridays. Physics assignment, math assignment, math quiz, project 2, and whatever's due for women's studies. Fuck women's studies, I'd rather be in Freedom. Remind me to get up early tomorrow, or at least a reasonable hour.

I feel so...springy. Light-hearted. Likely to burst into song. I sing randomly sometimes, and I'm usually content if not what could be considered actively happy, but I can't remember ever having this musical-like feeling. It's nice. If only I could compose songs on the spot, I would be set. :)

I wonder if I'm allowed to do the improv thing without being a theater major. Not that I'm good at improv or anything, because I'm not. There's another example of situations where I freeze up. Or I laugh at things that aren't funny because I'm so fucking nervous. Something to think about.

So now it's time for class and if I actually stay on task I will have no stress!

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