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Apr. 22nd, 2006 05:02 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
dumblemopThought it was time for a little change. That and my work ethic is CRAP.
So I got The Dresden Dolls' new CD Yes, Virginia yesterday and it is a-mazing. Also after I took my shower today, when I decided that I couldn't really hang around naked anymore, I decided to put on my France-skirt, my interesting socks, and my clunky boots. They'll probably disappear by the time I go anywhere, but they're fun to wear even if no one sees them. It's a completely mismatched outfit (wish I had my black tanktop) but fun. It's funny...when I'm girly I try to have things go together; when I'm being a guy I could care less.
I have to call the bank to tell them I got my new card, but I hate using the phone because I never know what to expect. I'm not very good at thinking on my feet, especially when people are depending on me to do so.
I wrote some haiku on Wednesday which I may put up here as well.
Should I go see James with Pipe? Jesus Christ, what if--no, Pipe said the show was in DC or something. W&M's too far away. Good. But it's a Thursday, and all Pipe has to skip is English class, and if I'm going to skip Women's Studies I'd rather do it for Freedom than James.
I know I've been spending too much time on forums and not enough time on actual webpages such as updating my journal or working on the GV site because my first instinct when trying to get those italics was []s instead of <>s.
Remind me to do the GV website. Also, someone tell me how to get student orgs webspace so it can actually go on the internet!
I need to make more art. I've been neglecting my dA. I also need a place where the characters that turn up in my notebooks sometimes have a place to grow, like a comic. "Lee's World" never really went anywhere. I still like Tess...I draw her sometimes. I lost Lee somewhere along the way, though. I wish I could draw.
My hair's getting long. I'm not sure how I feel about that. It doesn't really matter how I feel about it since I won't get it cut until I go home. If I get this job (read DO YOUR FUCKING PAPERS BITCH so you can turn in the damn application) I'll probably get it cut really short for the summer so it'll be easier to deal with at camp and then a reasonable length by school.
I wish I weren't so self-conscious about some things. If Grand Central had actually gone through, I'm pretty sure that I wouldn't have danced at all. I don't give a fuck for what strangers think of me, but I do obsess some about what people I know think of me--but only in terms of some things. Like dancing. Matt tried to get me to dance with him at the pirate thing at the beginning of the year and I wouldn't do it. Then again, I hadn't been in a dancing situation since...well, technically freshman year, but I didn't dance then, I just ran around and listened to the music and watched people and talked...so since middle school. And I can't even remember the last time I actually danced at a middle school dance; I wasn't exactly the popular kid in school.
I don't mean to be a whiner, but that still baffles me to this day. What, really, was so wrong with me that hardly anybody honestly liked me?
I wish I could get a hold of Elli. I haven't spoken to her in four years. What the fuck has she been doing all that time? She used to be my best friend.
Dan broke up with Julia--or rather, Julia broke up with Dan. Now he's nominally going out with Anna, but they won't really get together until the end of school. Dan was always an interesting guy. He asked me if I was jealous of Anna. I don't think I really get jealous of people I really care about. I know that's supposed to be one of the indications that you care about someone, that you get jealous when they spend time with other people, but in myself I just sort of consider it selfish. I don't know. That and jealousy doesn't make anybody happy. I like to be happy, I like to make other people happy. So why get jealous? It doesn't mean I don't care about you. If anything, it means I don't have an unhealthy obsession with you--which is a good thing! I like to think I'm confident in my own feelings and in my regard for other people that I don't have to be told that I love someone by jealousy.
I've said that I don't really trust my intuition. I guess, in a sense, that's not exactly true. It's like...if I have to ask, if I have to think about it, it's not right. It's how I recognize people from a distance. If I have to think about whether or not it's the person, it's not them. It works. Well, usually; sometimes I undermine myself. Like I subconciously expect to see people from earlier periods of my life in new periods of my life, so here I half-expect to see Choate people, at Choate I half-expected to see RHS people, at RHS I half-expected to see EAGLE people; but I never do. So when I actually did see Kanika it was like reality bent a little, so even though I was sure that it was Kanika the first time I looked at her, I thought it couldn't be because that doesn't happen. I know things when I see them; if I have to think about it, I'm not right. I honestly couldn't describe Liz's car to you, and when I'm looking for it I half-think half a dozen cars could be hers, but when I see it, I know it's hers. I think that's why I haven't gotten a new tarot deck even though I'm not entirely sure mine is right for me, because I haven't found one that just jumps out at me like that.
Sometimes I know things and just don't want to admit it to myself because I'm afraid. There was absolutely no good reason for me to stick around that night at Freedom Alliance, but I did. I know I didn't have a reason at the time. I read the freaking bookshelf three times, I had so little reason to just stand there, but there I was doing just that. And then there was Liz. I simply do not fall for attached people, but I did. And look where we are now. It was there when I met Kaitlyn too. I was nervous and wringing my hands, but... It wasn't my I-don't-belong panic and it should have been; it was more like...more like I could see the pieces falling together, could see that everything could be perfect but I didn't want to jinx it. I didn't want to just shake her hand, but I couldn't trust myself. I couldn't trust that everything could be wonderful.
It makes me a little nervous to say these things. I know there was a point where I knew this was love but I waited to say anything about it. Once burned, twice wary, you know? I don't really know how to deal with being fulfilled, I suppose. I think I'll lose it. When everything is perfect, I know I'll be the one to screw it up. I feel like it's not my place to have these connections because I'm not the alpha.
When you say mine and I say yes, do you know just how true it is?
Sometimes I am painfully aware that I'm completely innocent of these things, and sometimes I don't feel innocent at all. I've had the two songs I wrote junior year stuck in my head the last couple of days. I feel bad about it, but I don't really think they're that bad. But it's just fucked up that possibly the best piece of poetry I wrote through all of high school, someone else wrote. Can I truly call that poem my own if I didn't write it as Zac or Robin? I don't know.
I'm astonished by the superficial similaries sometimes, but the important thing is that they are superficial. I have a Liz and a Kaitlyn now, not anyone else, and life couldn't be better. If I were really the person she thought I was, my life would have ended in December. It didn't. Ergo, she can keep her shades and her denial. I thought she might change her mind at first. That lasted about a week. It has now been four months. If she shows up again in another four, fuck that. If you're still stalking me on the internet and reading this, fuck that. I'm not going to hide in a hole for the rest of my life to protect your sensibilities. You were right the whole time--happy? You knew all along--I guess that means that in the end, it doesn't matter. Get your own life. This one is mine. "I loved you, but I can't walk with you."
Well. Now that I've spent an hour not doing work, it's time to do some. I've also spent the day eating chocolate instead of real food. I don't know whether I'll go to the dining hall or order chinese; I had pizza last week. I might be in the mood for Chinese. I've got another hour to think about it. Also, somehow, while I was writing this, the page got an acre wide! WTF.
To end on a happy note: The shower helped but I still want you. Go figure. ;)
So I got The Dresden Dolls' new CD Yes, Virginia yesterday and it is a-mazing. Also after I took my shower today, when I decided that I couldn't really hang around naked anymore, I decided to put on my France-skirt, my interesting socks, and my clunky boots. They'll probably disappear by the time I go anywhere, but they're fun to wear even if no one sees them. It's a completely mismatched outfit (wish I had my black tanktop) but fun. It's funny...when I'm girly I try to have things go together; when I'm being a guy I could care less.
I have to call the bank to tell them I got my new card, but I hate using the phone because I never know what to expect. I'm not very good at thinking on my feet, especially when people are depending on me to do so.
I wrote some haiku on Wednesday which I may put up here as well.
Should I go see James with Pipe? Jesus Christ, what if--no, Pipe said the show was in DC or something. W&M's too far away. Good. But it's a Thursday, and all Pipe has to skip is English class, and if I'm going to skip Women's Studies I'd rather do it for Freedom than James.
I know I've been spending too much time on forums and not enough time on actual webpages such as updating my journal or working on the GV site because my first instinct when trying to get those italics was []s instead of <>s.
Remind me to do the GV website. Also, someone tell me how to get student orgs webspace so it can actually go on the internet!
I need to make more art. I've been neglecting my dA. I also need a place where the characters that turn up in my notebooks sometimes have a place to grow, like a comic. "Lee's World" never really went anywhere. I still like Tess...I draw her sometimes. I lost Lee somewhere along the way, though. I wish I could draw.
My hair's getting long. I'm not sure how I feel about that. It doesn't really matter how I feel about it since I won't get it cut until I go home. If I get this job (read DO YOUR FUCKING PAPERS BITCH so you can turn in the damn application) I'll probably get it cut really short for the summer so it'll be easier to deal with at camp and then a reasonable length by school.
I wish I weren't so self-conscious about some things. If Grand Central had actually gone through, I'm pretty sure that I wouldn't have danced at all. I don't give a fuck for what strangers think of me, but I do obsess some about what people I know think of me--but only in terms of some things. Like dancing. Matt tried to get me to dance with him at the pirate thing at the beginning of the year and I wouldn't do it. Then again, I hadn't been in a dancing situation since...well, technically freshman year, but I didn't dance then, I just ran around and listened to the music and watched people and talked...so since middle school. And I can't even remember the last time I actually danced at a middle school dance; I wasn't exactly the popular kid in school.
I don't mean to be a whiner, but that still baffles me to this day. What, really, was so wrong with me that hardly anybody honestly liked me?
I wish I could get a hold of Elli. I haven't spoken to her in four years. What the fuck has she been doing all that time? She used to be my best friend.
Dan broke up with Julia--or rather, Julia broke up with Dan. Now he's nominally going out with Anna, but they won't really get together until the end of school. Dan was always an interesting guy. He asked me if I was jealous of Anna. I don't think I really get jealous of people I really care about. I know that's supposed to be one of the indications that you care about someone, that you get jealous when they spend time with other people, but in myself I just sort of consider it selfish. I don't know. That and jealousy doesn't make anybody happy. I like to be happy, I like to make other people happy. So why get jealous? It doesn't mean I don't care about you. If anything, it means I don't have an unhealthy obsession with you--which is a good thing! I like to think I'm confident in my own feelings and in my regard for other people that I don't have to be told that I love someone by jealousy.
I've said that I don't really trust my intuition. I guess, in a sense, that's not exactly true. It's like...if I have to ask, if I have to think about it, it's not right. It's how I recognize people from a distance. If I have to think about whether or not it's the person, it's not them. It works. Well, usually; sometimes I undermine myself. Like I subconciously expect to see people from earlier periods of my life in new periods of my life, so here I half-expect to see Choate people, at Choate I half-expected to see RHS people, at RHS I half-expected to see EAGLE people; but I never do. So when I actually did see Kanika it was like reality bent a little, so even though I was sure that it was Kanika the first time I looked at her, I thought it couldn't be because that doesn't happen. I know things when I see them; if I have to think about it, I'm not right. I honestly couldn't describe Liz's car to you, and when I'm looking for it I half-think half a dozen cars could be hers, but when I see it, I know it's hers. I think that's why I haven't gotten a new tarot deck even though I'm not entirely sure mine is right for me, because I haven't found one that just jumps out at me like that.
Sometimes I know things and just don't want to admit it to myself because I'm afraid. There was absolutely no good reason for me to stick around that night at Freedom Alliance, but I did. I know I didn't have a reason at the time. I read the freaking bookshelf three times, I had so little reason to just stand there, but there I was doing just that. And then there was Liz. I simply do not fall for attached people, but I did. And look where we are now. It was there when I met Kaitlyn too. I was nervous and wringing my hands, but... It wasn't my I-don't-belong panic and it should have been; it was more like...more like I could see the pieces falling together, could see that everything could be perfect but I didn't want to jinx it. I didn't want to just shake her hand, but I couldn't trust myself. I couldn't trust that everything could be wonderful.
It makes me a little nervous to say these things. I know there was a point where I knew this was love but I waited to say anything about it. Once burned, twice wary, you know? I don't really know how to deal with being fulfilled, I suppose. I think I'll lose it. When everything is perfect, I know I'll be the one to screw it up. I feel like it's not my place to have these connections because I'm not the alpha.
When you say mine and I say yes, do you know just how true it is?
Sometimes I am painfully aware that I'm completely innocent of these things, and sometimes I don't feel innocent at all. I've had the two songs I wrote junior year stuck in my head the last couple of days. I feel bad about it, but I don't really think they're that bad. But it's just fucked up that possibly the best piece of poetry I wrote through all of high school, someone else wrote. Can I truly call that poem my own if I didn't write it as Zac or Robin? I don't know.
I'm astonished by the superficial similaries sometimes, but the important thing is that they are superficial. I have a Liz and a Kaitlyn now, not anyone else, and life couldn't be better. If I were really the person she thought I was, my life would have ended in December. It didn't. Ergo, she can keep her shades and her denial. I thought she might change her mind at first. That lasted about a week. It has now been four months. If she shows up again in another four, fuck that. If you're still stalking me on the internet and reading this, fuck that. I'm not going to hide in a hole for the rest of my life to protect your sensibilities. You were right the whole time--happy? You knew all along--I guess that means that in the end, it doesn't matter. Get your own life. This one is mine. "I loved you, but I can't walk with you."
Well. Now that I've spent an hour not doing work, it's time to do some. I've also spent the day eating chocolate instead of real food. I don't know whether I'll go to the dining hall or order chinese; I had pizza last week. I might be in the mood for Chinese. I've got another hour to think about it. Also, somehow, while I was writing this, the page got an acre wide! WTF.
To end on a happy note: The shower helped but I still want you. Go figure. ;)
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no subject
Date: 2006-04-23 04:00 am (UTC)By the way, I have to hand it to you--you write the longest LJ entries of all my friends. :-) I wish I understood more of what you write about, but it sounds like everything's going really well for you so I'm glad. -^__^-
The past is weird and scary. Middle and high school feel like distant memories to me...
no subject
Date: 2006-04-23 08:23 pm (UTC)Haha, I guess I do. Sometimes I don't write anything for a couple of days and then these huge entries just pour out. xD Yeah, not everyone who reads is supposed to understand everything. Sometimes no one who reads is supposed to understand something. I try not to have too much of that in one entry but sometimes it just gets away from me. ^_^
Yeah. It happened, it's over, let's move on. =3