extraordinary world

I'm alright. Sure, I love you, but that's not against the rules, and I enjoy it. I don't have to be "in" love with you, and I don't think I need you like that anymore. And god, doesn't being polyamorous mean love and trust and companionship and enjoyment of life without having to be constantly worried and guilty? I don't have to be in a romantic relationship with you to love you and contribute to your life and enjoy your company and have all that be okay.

And I really do love my life, because it was just an innocent conversation about something totally different with Kristi that made me understand this.

Plus a couple of songs.

( Put Your Records On )

( Give It Time )

It's like the music. I love music, god, it fills me up and lifts me up and changes my life. I'm flying in my head even if my feet can't keep themselves straight. Music doesn't hurt me. Music can't hurt me because I love music, because it's always with me and inside me. Music makes me cry sometimes, but music heals.

And sure, life sucks sometimes. I loved being with you and Kaitlyn. I'm not anymore. But screw weirdness. I keep saying life is only as complicated as you make it, it's time I start living it.

I don't need anything back. What matters is what I can give, because that is mine. My life is my life, my actions are my actions, my thoughts are my thoughts because they're mine. And I have a lot to give. And somehow, what I have to give will get where it's needed. Love doesn't have to hurt. There's my wings. That's my strength.

Thank you.

That may not have made a whole lot of sense in words, but it makes sense in feelings. It all came together about ten minutes ago. Seriously, all of it. I'm good. I still need a haircut, but I'm good. :P And now it's time for bed.

Fuck.

I've tried a million different things and I still can't change my title. Now themes that never let you change the comment text before let you and no combination of settings I activate let me change the title of my journal, the subtitle of my journal, or the title of my friends page. Help me.

In other news...Why do I suck? Honestly, why do I have to be such a bad student?

My grades for women's studies were posted on Tuesday: a 78. Because I never did my reading responses, and I suppose I had an 18/25 for participation because I kept being late and missing bits of class for FA and GV. If I had just two more points on participation I could've had a B even without the reading responses. But no. I had to suck.

My grades for Physics were posted today. I got a 90/120 (a 75) on my final exam, and a 326/400 total, which is like an 81.

I got my grades back on my final exam and project 5 in comp sci today. I got a 94/100 on the project--which would've been great except I turned it in an hour and a half late and Computer Science for Majors I gives zero points for a project that's even 30 seconds late.

I have no idea what I got in math. I'm hoping for a B. Hoping.

So, best case scenario, I get a B in math which gives me a 2.53 for the semester. With my grades from last semester, that gives me a 2.57 for the year. Guess what I need to keep my scholarship? A 3.0.

Yeah. Go me.

Why do I have to be such a bad student? The last time I was a good student was maybe...Fall semester freshman year. I mean, I still got amazing grades Spring semester because it was public school, but I'd already started to slack. Then sophomore Fall I got a D in English. Sophomore Winter I failed History. Sophomore Spring I pulled myself out of the hole enough for Choate to let me stay. The rest of my high school career I think I had mediocre to fairly good grades, but I don't really remember. I wasn't a good student though. And I was late, a whole damn lot.

Fuck.

Alright, any suggestions?

(no subject)

Suggestions so far, should I lose my scholarship:
1. Work-study. (purplexvi)
2. Work a lot this summmer to contribute and show goodwill to my parents. (purplexvi)
3. Better work ethics like studying with others or making use of help labs. (purplexvi)
4. Engage in a wacky adventure wherein I colour my hair blue and pretend to be a gay man named Tony while travelling across the US and learning the true meaning of Christmas with a crazy transsexual komodo dragon; on the way I'll also have to contend with a corrupt sheriff and say many witty catchphrases. (purplexvi)
5. Do art commissions through Deviantart. (purplexvi)
6. Get suggestions and connections for a place to work during the school year from the locals. (purplexvi)
7. Sell my used panties on the internet. (purplexvi)
8. Don't sell my used panties on the internet. (i_eat_lemons)

Well, at least I'm in a better mood after that. All of this is really speculation to keep myself occupied because my parents don't even know yet so that's a whole world of discussion right there. I guess I'll have to tell them when they officially post my grades.

Right now, I'm going to ignore this and get some food. Also, I should probably learn to drive this summer.

(no subject)

In other news, I now have 900 entries to catch up with on my friends list. Dear god.

(no subject)

Wow.

I just got a graduation announcement from Elli.

It came as a little card addressed to "[me] and Family," and I was staring at the address and thinking "I know that address. Whose address is that?" And I didn't open it and my mother urges me to do so because she wants to know who it's from and I looked up at her and I said "I think it's from Elli. I think that's her address. Because it looks disturbingly familiar."

She went to West. I would've gone to Verona. We only lived one street away from each other. I could walk to her house in five minutes and frequently did.

There's a picture attached to the card. I guess it's her senior picture.

It's on the 10th and 11th. They mailed the card on the 26th. I can't believe it takes four days for mail to get here. It would have been nice to know earlier, but Elli has been incommunicado for four years. From the way my mother reacted I doubt I would be able to go if I asked.

Suffice to say that I'm a litte disoriented today.

Oh, also, I called the number to activate my bank card while Mom was out. Eat that, phone.

le sigh

I am just about done with being in CT.

OMG

Links of the day, because this is the coolest thing EVER:

Okay, so Pipe sends me LeekSpin, and we are both IN LOVE with the song. So we start trying to see if we can split the audio from the flash animation and keep the song, but apparently, that doesn't really work.

So after many appeals and webcrawling, we find mp3s of the song and videos of live performances of it.
Loituma Live on youtube
Ievan Polkka.mp3

I need to sing this. Someone teach me Finnish and find me three other people to sing with. Do it.

You are too, too debonair, sir

I'm down to 700 entries. And it's not actually that bad because most of them are pictures of pretty girls. :)

And...I thought these icons were a great idea at first, but I really need more of them. Because this entry doesn't fit under "gender," "creativity," "strife," "angst/contemplativeness," or "lovey feelings," and it's not really generic enough to merit a default icon. Like, it's a combination between "lovey feelings" because it's pretty girls and default because this post doesn't mean anything. Maybe I should replace "creativity" with "lightheartedness." Or maybe I should replace "gender," even though it's a wicked cool icon, with "lightheartedness" because usually my gender posts are either "strife," "angst/contemplativeness," or "lightheartedness" anyway.

So, my little gender icon, you get your first and last use with this post. Fare you well.

Jeez

Okay, so yes, I did not submit two projects and turned in a third one late. I still think her response was un-called-for.

( My email )

( Her response )

Fuck that. Next semester I'm getting 100s on everything.