Guess I'm just a dirty pansexual after all...

Can I just say this is a really hot picture? (The one way down at the bottom.)

I run across a lot of very goodlooking people on my Gaia guilds. It's really quite insane. And most of them are also pretty awesome as well as nice to look at. So it's a good deal.

I'm babbling and this post means nothing. I'm just in a weird mood I guess.

I've said a few times that I seem to be more attracted to girls than guys. Like I'm really attracted to girls and I'm largely indifferent about most guys. But something someone in a guild said has got me thinking. I'm rarely attracted to cisgendered, bio, genetic, etc guys, but there are a lot of FtMs and genderqueer-but-largely-male-identified people that I am intensely attracted to. And it's not like they look female and that's why I like them, because they don't. Pretty much all of these guys, if I didn't know, I wouldn't know. It's interesting.

It's like, bioguys I've had crushes on, I've liked them because they're funny, or sweet, or smart, or whatever. And because I like them, I can gloss over the fact that I'm not entirely sure what my position on sex with guys or that I'm not really viscerally attracted to them. With girls, androgynous people, and non-cis guys, it's a mesh of looks and personality, or I can appreciate someone who I don't know at all solely on looks. It's a little weird.

I mean, I've honestly had no sexual contact with boys. I've thought about it. Sometimes I feel like I ought to try it, sometimes I'd kind of like to try it for itself, sometimes I'm eh about it, sometimes I can't see why I ever would. I have a deep appreciation for the female body (except mine, lol), but I haven't ever experienced the male body, so who knows.

Just something I was thinking about.

And now, it's midnight, so I should probably head to bed so I can get up early and go through my room to figure out what I keep and what I get rid of.

But first...I think I'm going to do something else. O;)

Coolest. Thing. Ever.

Link of the week, 'cause I've been neglecting them:
www.honda.co.uk/civic/ - click on Watch when it loads.

Meh.

I think I'm good now. We'll see. I still miss you.

So today I've been going through my room figuring out what to keep and what to get rid of. And I stumbled across my history notebook from sophomore year.

What a nightmare. Most of it is not full of history notes, but of Lindsay notes. And not notes from Lindsay, notes to Lindsay. And not letter-notes to Lindsay, but sentences that she responded to in her own notebook because I was stalking her Latin class for most of the year and we'd "pass notes" by writing things in our own notebooks during class.

That girl, Jesus Christ.

There were all these euphemisms that we would just toss back and forth that I had completely forgotten about. "Poke" could mean anything from like, love, fuck, obsess over, talk to, and marvel at to your normal everyday generic poke. "Missing-toed" meant gay. That one's a little bit harder to explain.

Lindsay's mother did not like gay people. According to Lindsay, she thought they had "some kind of defect, like they were missing a toe." "Missing-toed" came to describe gay people because Lindsay was equally uncomfortable with it. So there are things in this notebook like "Wonder what Cy would think if he knew he'd been sitting next to a missing-toed person for the whole year" and "I mean, yes, I have a missing toe, but it's just who I am."

So there are all these things I said in this notebook, and none of her responses to them. And the things I said just sicken me. I was so...weak. And even now I find myself thinking "no wonder she hated me, I was pathetic." But these are notes from at least a couple months into the relationship, so by then...yeah.

But seriously. According to something I wrote, she told me I was beautiful and that it was almost enough to make her wish she was missing-toed. Jesus, fucking, Christ.

"Please tell me what I did. You sounded so angry and disappointed when you threw me out of your room."

"I miss you. I failed you, again. I tried. He just wasn't there. I guess I just need to be reminded now and then how unusual this is, for me to be able to do all these things with you. What you said this morning, you used to say that about me. And I still think about how I hurt you. I don't know when you want things. What I want is not important, because I want what you want. And I fail you so often. And I wish I could be enough for you. I wonder what I'd be like as a guy. Not just cue m as suddenly guy, but if I'd grown up one. You say I'm wonderful...would I still be, as a guy?"

And oh my god she had this whole thing about how she was going to sleep with my brother and my dad. And she tried to convince me she'd actually done it once. She tried to convince me she'd slept with one of the lecturers who came through. She had me stalk the guys she liked, or I had to be the guys she liked. And I just put up with all of it, I made myself enjoy all of it.

When I got back to my room after the Freedom election night I almost scared myself to death. I'd written out my speech on printer paper and then read it into the computer, and I'd left the page on my desk when I left. And when I came back, I almost had a heart attack because it looked so much like the notes she used to leave me. I'd come back from class and find her gone, with a note saying she wasn't ever coming back, or that she'd gone into the woods and I'd be sorry when someone found her body in the creek, or that she'd gone up to the bathroom with scissors.

Sometimes I feel like I should see her again just so I can tell her to fuck off to her face. Sometimes I don't want to know what would happen if I saw her again. Sometimes...who knows.

It's been said that I still love her. I guess. It was three years. Three years doesn't easily disappear. Sometimes I wonder what my life would have been like if I had never met her, or if I had resisted her, but it's not given to us to know the might-have-beens. And in some ways I'm glad I had that experience because now I know what it looks like.

Anyway. I'm going to be at Steve's LAN party tonight, so. Bye.

teh LAN.

So I'm at the LAN party. Mom bizarrely let me borrow her laptop, which is why I'm able to be updating this right now. I really need me one of these. I was just going to hang out and watch people play games...but that seems to be what most of the girls are doing.

So my mom sees the set-up because she came by to drop off her computer, and then she gets home and calls me and decides that I can't spend the night. So now her deal is that if there are fewer than six girls spending the night, including me, I have to call and one of my parents will pick me up. She thinks it'll be unsafe otherwise.

Now, this is the tamest crowd ever. Like, I won't even get wanted cuddling, let alone unwanted cuddling. Stephen's parents are here. I can take care of myself. And she doesn't want anyone here to take me home because Miles rolled his car the morning after the last one. Now, she heard this story from Stephen's mom. What really happened is that Miles' mom made him go out shopping with her the morning after, in separate cars, and within sight of his house on the way back from shopping, Miles rolled his car. If his mom had driven him, if his mom hadn't made him go out again after staying awake all night, there wouldn't have been a problem.

Thankfully there are six girls staying, excluding me, so I don't have to lie to my parents or go home.

And I think my parents don't really understand the gender thing after all, given the way my mother has been reacting to these gatherings lately. Her first question when she was asking me about the X-men excursion the next day was "were there any other girls there?" I should have responded something along the lines of "Kristin was the only girl there," but I didn't. I may need to sit down with them and have an actual talk about this because I'm not sure they really understand it.

Oh, and the real reason that I wanted to write an entry just now (the complaining was just a sidenote)? There is a reaaaally cute girl here. She's little and she's got reddish-brown hair that comes down to her waist. But, I don't know her, and this is so not the crowd to be obvious about it. I keep half-hearing Dan making "gay" comments, and he should know better. One of the guys I don't know was making some fuss about his roommate turning into a woman earlier, and was somehow tying this to the fact that he was an asshole. I tried to explain that being a woman was an entirely separate issue from being a drug-addict and a jerk and getting kicked out of school. I'm not sure he understood.

So I'm not exactly sure how I feel about staying the night myself if there's anymore evidence that the people here are going to be jerks, so we'll see.

I'm being antisocial because I don't know how to play these games and don't feel like learning, and no one's really playing them right now in the first place. So I have something to do tonight, but it's a great deal less fun than Liz's party would be. But oh well.

Aw.

What I really want to play right now is ShadowRO, but it doesn't work on Macs. :(

Aahh!

The cute girl now has a wreath of flowers on her head.

Lol. Someone find me a way to approach the cute girl (Allison?) so I don't just stare at her all night!