Don't Want to Say Goodnight

Hello I am

active, activist, admirer, adorant, adult, agender, ally, ambigender, ambiguous, ambisexual, amorous, andro, androgyne, androgynous, androphiliac, anomalous, babe, beautiful, bicurious, bigender, biogirl, birl, bisensual, bisexual, bitch, boi, both, bottom, bouncy, brother, butch-ish, complex, confused, creature, crossdresser, cuddly, curious, cute, different, differently-gendered, dork, doublecrossdresser, dreamer, dude, eclectic, either, everything, FTX, fanboy, fangirl, female-assigned, female-bodied, feminine, feminist, femme-ish, femmeboy, fey, flirty, fluffy, fluid, freak, friend, friendly, full of love, furry, GLBTQIA, gay, gay-friendly, geek, gender bender, gender blender, gender deviant, gender expressive, gender fluid, gender neutral, gender pirate, gender variant, genderbent, gendered, genderfuck, genderless, genderqueer, genetic girl, gentleman, girl, girly, guy, huggly, huggy, human, indecisive, individual, interested, intergender, introvert, kid, kitty, knight, LGBTQIA, lesbian-identified, lover, loving, low femme, male-identified, masculine, masochist, me, misster, mister, mixed-gendered, multigender, myself, neither, nerd, neuter, neutral, no-gender, no-op, nonbutch/nonfemme, none of your business, nongender, odd, omnigender, omnisexual, open, other, other-gendered, out, pangender, pansexual, passionate, passive, peoplesexual, person, pervert, philosopher, pixie, platonic, polyamorous, polycurious, polyflexible, polysexual, polysnuggler, queer, queer-friendly, queer-minded, queergendered, questioning, quiet, quirky, quiz whore, recreational gender blender, ren fest fag, same gender loving, self-defined, sensitive, sex positive, shy, sir, sister, snuggly, spiritual, strange, submissive, switch, third gender, tomboy, top, trans-friendly, transgenderist, transy, trustworthy, undecided, undeclared, undefined, understanding, unique, unspecified, versatile, virgin, wannabe, wench, whatever, witch, XO, XX, YES!

What's yours?

They added two hundred-some labels on me so I had to update my list. :) I just think it's terribly amusing and I still have no idea what a third of those terms mean.

It's still a nice way to end an evening. I just need to get used to that look on your face not meaning you're going to kiss me or I'm going to kiss you. Because it would be so easy. I can't, and I won't, but at this point it's still there. I don't know how it couldn't be. Oh, oh, the irony though. I'm debating whether or not to even explain, it's so ironic. I don't even know if it's irony. Somebody find a word in German that means this. It's just been an ironic weekend. Honesty in the moment for sure.

To borrow yet again...you are now my rum and coke: I can look at you, I can be in the same room with you, and I can hang out with people who enjoy you, but it's against the rules for me to taste you.

Yeah, lame. It doesn't beat electrical socket. That one just floors me.

Oh, oh:
You are my December flagpole: even if someone triple-dog-dares me, it's a very bad idea for me to lick you.
You are my right thumb: an indispensible part of my life but I'm not supposed to put you in my mouth.

Short and sweet.

Yeah, guess what's on my mind. Jeez.

My retainers are probably done by now so I'm going to stop being lame and go to bed.

I have about enough credit with iTunes left from my birthday for one more CD. Should I get Wicked, the Nutshell Kids, or...um...I knew I had a nother option but I can't remember it at the moment. I know Nutshell Kids wasn't the reason I haven't just bought Wicked already because I only just remembered it. Might have been Sixpence None the Richer because I'd only ever heard three of their songs but the rest of their stuff is really nice.

Also I wrote a poem in Comp Sci today that I will post tomorrow because I don't have the energy to get it out of my bag and type it up right now. It needs work but it's cute.

Also that thing I wrote on Monday. Oh, the irony.

I should have apple juice with my honey, but I'll have to make do with lemonade. I had a moment out in the field while I was coming back from Liz's. Wandered around and wrote a song off the top of my head. It even had a bridge, how weird is that? Let's see if I remember the words. If I can remember any of the words I'll record the tune so I won't lose it.

I've been walking
Just about all my life
And I've finally found the reason
The reason for this feeling
This joy welling up inside
It's because I've found two women
Who make everything alright

That's really the important part. The rest of it I'll only be able to remember clumsily, if at all. That and it's a little repetative.

You won't know how much I love you
Until you look into my eyes
Where you'll see the reason
The reason for this feeling
The joy welling up inside
It's because I love two women
And I'll be here all my life

It's a warm sunny May morning
And I'm missing you today
(Similar end to this verse as the others but I can't remember it.)

So I'm walking out this evening
And I'm writing down this song
To tell you both the reason
The reason for this feeling
This joy welling up inside
It's because I've found two women
Who make everything alright

There were like four other verses and a bridge, I was out there in the field for twenty minutes just walking where my feet took me and singing this song from my heart.

And people ask how I can be okay with this. People are weird.

All in all a good Beltane, but I shouldn't have gone to sleep. I am just kicking myself over that. Or at least I should have had my phone with me on full volume instead of in my bag on vibrate, and I should at least have gotten up when I set my alarm. Now I'm all awake but I still don't want to do my paper, but if I'm not doing my paper I have to be in bed. And if I don't do my paper now, I'll have to do it in the morning--but if I sleep now, I'll have some semblance of a normal schedule for tomorrow.

I'm not a very good pagan. I've been lazy lately and I feel kind of bad about that. I think I'm a good Unitarian. There's just something that feels inherently silly about generic Outer Court-influenced Neopagan stuff, especially when I don't have a group like ASC anymore, but the last thing I need right now is another excuse to slack off from work because I'm studying religions and philosophies hunting for what fits me. I fit me. I'm a Unitarian before I'm anything else, but I guess I'm just poly-religious as well as polyamorous.

I need to find other ways to express myself besides "I love you." I feel like people must get tired of hearing it. I told Kaitlyn I loved her today. I tell Liz too often and Kaitlyn not enough. I don't even want to think about summer.

Had a good conversation with Aeryes. See, this is why communication is an amazing thing. I mean, besides the fact that this whole relationship probably would not exist if it weren't for communication. I was telling him about Liz and Kaitlyn because we haven't talked in like...two months and I realized that I've known him for four years now. And I've avoided telling him about the gender thing for almost half of that because I do care about his opinions and I had no idea what his reaction would be and if he didn't know then I wouldn't have to deal with the consequences of him knowing. So I gave him my journal link and explained why I hadn't wanted him to see it when I'd started it. And he'd already guessed somehow and is fine with it as far as I can tell. Which is a little bit boggling but wonderful and a definite relief. 'Cause I was like "so..." and he was like "yeah...I kinda sensed that" and I was like "O_O;" and we talked and it's good. :)

So all in all, a good Beltane. Merry meet, merry part, and merry meet again. (This is something I need to take to heart so I don't end up sleeping on your landing.)

I was late to my advising meeting so I have to go at 2 tomorrow instead. Oh well.

To kill time because I don't feel like getting started on actual work just yet, I'm going to do the ( iPod shuffle lyrics thang again ).

I've got "class" at 11 which I may or may not stay for depending on how I did on my quiz/homework. Then I'll eat something and go to my next class. Then I will write my paper for at least two hours, see Liz for food when she gets off work, and then sleep. If I'm not done with my paper in those 2+ hours, I'll wake up again in the evening and do more work.

John apparently got the same graduation present I did, part of it anyway--money for a trip to Europe. He wants to go to Italy with Evelyn, but there's something going on with that? So it'll either be my brother and his girlfriend traipsing around Italy, or my brother stalking Italians. So what am I going to do with my money? I have no idea. We went to France with Bridget and it was great but she'd been my best friend for four years and we were what, twelve? I don't know if I have any friends now that I can just be like "hey...let's go to Europe" and we'd go and it would be great. I don't even remember what the arrangement was supposed to be...it was something like airfare for me and the other person and expenses for me, but the other person would have to pay the rest of theirs. So it's not like I can just pick someone out of a hat. I could always go somewhere in the US that I haven't been.

I don't know. My parents are just getting on me to use the money now that John will be using his, and I don't like that kind of pressure. I don't get enough sleep to think about this right now. And, of course, whenever I come up with ideas I'm still expecting that slap in the face. Did you see me cringe?

I could go visit Alex. That would actually be fucking awesome. But again, who would I take? It's not like my French is worth anything anymore, so England is kinda the most practical. But how are my parents going to take "I'm going to mosey over to England now to hang out with Alex and his piratical mates, and Nathan and Sophie. No, I've never met them in person, but--" Yeeeah, that's about how far that would get.

Anyway. I've slacked enough, I have class, and it looks like there'll be a class in here at 11 as well so I'd better get going. I'll think. If anyone has any suggestions or any burning desires to go somewhere (Pipe, Wyoming? lol.), I'll consider it.

P.S. Happy Beltane! I forgot until the teacher of the class that is in here now started talking about May Day traditions. ...I should probably go.