Update of dooooooom

[dumblemop]

It's been a long week. Coming here is definitely what I needed. I really don't know what else I would've done, really. Stayed on camp? But then I wouldn't really have an excuse for not going home with Claymate--which, while it's sad to miss a birthday party, and I care about her, caring about someone is not the same as feeling safe with them and I'm going to need a little bit more time before I feel safe with Claymate.

I really should say something to Jade as well. Like on the one hand, I feel like a selfish bastard, but on the other hand, I cannot get into this again. Friday and Saturday were fine. Sunday morning was very unpleasant. Thursday was equally unpleasant. On the one hand, it scares me. On the other hand, at least now I know that I can recognize it--that is, she gives me Lindsay flashbacks, since I haven't mentioned that on here before. Now I need to know that I can actually do something about it upon recognizing it. So I'll find a time to say something.

It makes me wonder what I want out of a relationship, and what I can give to a relationship. Just a relationship in general, since I don't want any specifically right now. I don't really want a "relationship" with anyone at camp--I just want to be able to cuddle sometimes. Cuddling with Jade is fine; and I feel shallow, but I just can't deal with anything more than that. So I'll just have to deal with feeling shallow because the alternative is not an option. Cuddling with Claymate is fine, but no matter what the circumstances, she needs to work out her own life before I can really feel comfortable about it.

It's true that I like being taken care of--but I also like taking care of. I just can't go through another dynamic like Lindsay. That is not the kind of taking care of I can do--that is, I can do it, I did it, but the kind of person who needs it is never happy with it, and it just rips me apart.

Eh. I'm trying to pin down this dynamic but I don't really know what to say about it. Like...where I'm at now is basically where you can give me a task to do that you need done, and I'll do it as well as I can--which for certain things is really well and others is not so well--but I can't really anticipate your needs. Which is hard on the other person, I think. I think I can only supply so much of my own direction in a relationship. I think I like to be taken care of but I also like to be useful. There we go, yeah. I took the cart in Walmart today and Kate said something like "And Rob gets stuck with the cart" and Liz said "nah, it makes him feel useful" and stuck her tongue out at me--which is totally it. And I was talking to Trinity (hush) when she drove me to get my phone to call Liz, and I was marveling at how dedicated to the camp and everything about it she was, the staff and the kids and the whole thing, and she said that she never wants to ask anything of someone else that she wouldn't do herself, and people buy into the things she asks them to do more if they know that she would do the exact same thing. Which--okay, the tie-in made sense in my head and now that I wrote it down it doesn't so much anymore, but I swear it's there.

I don't know. I'm thinking a lot about dynamics and power flow lately. Even though the evening ended less than well yesterday, I'm at a much better place this weekend than I was at Pride. Liz and I talked about it a little yesterday. I think I didn't have anything to give except loneliness and need, which is a bad, bad thing. I mean come on, I basically cried myself to sleep the second night but said I was fine because I didn't want to bother Liz. When was the last time I did that?--Yeah. Bad idea. But now...you know, I still need to have these people in my life because they're amazing, but I don't...let's see, I don't need attention from them. I don't expect to be validated by them because I don't need validation from them--so when I get it, it's a pleasant surprise and I can just slot it in instead of not beling able to deal with it.

I'm not quite getting the concept across, I think. But the bottom line is, I have a much better handle on myself this time around than I did last time. Now I just need to figure out why being at home completely changes me. Then I'll have myself all figured out--yeah right. :P

I was thinking last night that I feel more at home in my transient locations than my permanent ones. I mean, my house is supposed to be my home. I've lived there for five years already. But I've never been able to understand the concept of "coming home to sleep in my own bed." My mom always says something like that when I come home. "Won't it be great to sleep in your own bed and your own room?" etc. But that concept is strangely foreign to me. I just don't get it. As awkward as I can be in other people's homes, I don't feel any more "at home" at my house. It's frankly a little ridiculous and I know it, but there has to be some reason.

Eh. I'm just in a writing mood because I never have any time at camp and the computer is so goddamn fucking slow. My dreams have been really, really weird lately. I can remember thinking "this is fucking bizarre" while in the dream, but then when I wake up and do a couple of things I forget about them, until something reminds me of an image and I remember a snippet. Seriously, like really fucking weird.

Ah fuck. Yard sales and Wal-mart trips all midday and I didn't pick up anything for my secret buddy. I just don't know her at all so it's hard to be like "ooh! my secret buddy would like that." I'll ask Liz if we can stop somewhere quick in the morning and I can at least pick up some chocolate or orange juice for her. Then during the week I can steal from the arts & crafts shack and make her something cute, because I'm good at that.

Speaking of making something cute (although I totally just typed "mating"...), I was able to find directions for finger-weaving on the internet just now and so I was finally able to use the thread I got for it. Because I couldn't remember. So that is now mine, bizatch.

"Criminal" just started playing on Liz's computer. O:)

The first thing Lindsay ever gave to me and really, the only thing she ever made for me, was a fingerwoven neclace. She made it for me over Thanksgiving break sophomore year 'because she was missing me,' and I wore it until it finally broke irreparably in maybe March of senior year. I basically never wore any other jewelry that entire time. The one time I did wear anything else was junior year when we got the Indo-European club set up and I found my wheel pendant from England and my gold necklace that had been a present from my mother on my 13th birthday and decided to see how they looked together; I made the mistake of forgetting to take the necklace off before I went to her room again. She was not pleased. I took it off and put it in her trashcan to make a point, intending to take it out again at some point, but I forgot. She was contrite for like, five minutes.

I really do need to tell my parents. There's just never a good time to do it. Like, should I do it over email? Duh, no. But when will I have the chance to do it? I want to tell them at the same time so I don't have to do it twice, but we'll all be so busy when we get to the end of summer and I'm out of camp. Etc.

I don't really feel like talking about the events of the week, because I've told most of them to Liz so I've released the need to spill my guts. It was just a long week. I will mention the events of the weekend just so there's some context for the above over-contemplativeness.

I took the Glen Burnie bus on Friday so Liz could pick me up for Anna and Monique's party. We chilled at her apartment for awhile because all the 21+ers were at Howl at the Moon. We talked some--and I actually participated in the conversation this time! Go me. Liz is crushing and I love it. If it had started at Pride...I don't know if it would have metaphorically hit me over the head with a Calculus textbook and I would've been fine, or else I wouldn't have been able to handle it at all. But now, it's great, because it's not me. Which sounds...weird, I know. But I get to see the whole thing unfold with some distance to it and I get to sit in and even contribute to conversations about her relationships that don't have anything to do with me. But at the same time, I've still got that experience with her so I actually have something to say sometimes, instead of just being like "oh..."

It's a great feeling, having something to give. And it makes Liz happy too because then she doesn't have to deal with me being...off, and we can just hang out. Camp's been good for me. So much less silly worrying.

Anyway, so we meet up with the others at Paper Moon, this really creepy weird diner kind of place. It's not, like, sketchy, exactly, just...weird. There's a mannequin in the bathroom that looks like it's going to come to life and eat your face while you're sitting on the toilet. There are bits of mannequins stapled to surfaces all over the place, action figures glued to the walls, just weird shit. I had a chocolate milkshake, which was okay, and challah french toast, which was not as good as I thought it would be. And they gave me bananas instead of compote.

It was really great to see everyone again. Johanna's new hair is hot. Chole always looks amazing in that shirt. Anna had this really great dress on. Monique looked hot too. Their friends Mary and Maureen were there too, and another friend Rose after awhile. At one point, I was thinking "I am surrounded by all these hot women, and half of them I know are amazing as well as hot, and the others must be amazing or they wouldn't be friends with my amazing friends--and I'm not involved with any of them! There is something wrong with this picture."

Which...was kind of a summary of the evening. It was fun, but it could have been untoppable but a lot of things were just off and a lot of things went wrong. I didn't have my stuff, which cut down on a lot of our flexibility. Anna's food didn't come and they gave her weird cake instead. Johanna was tired. Liz has been down lately. Liz described it the best this morning--it's like that point late in RENT where all the couples are sort of or really fighting with each other and everyone pretends for awhile that everything is fine but it's really not and the unattached people are trying to keep everyone else together but it's just not working.

Although I have a bad habit of pretending everyone is fine so I don't have to get involved. But we'll be together again.

I like things to stay the same. But nothing is ever the same, so just suck it up and deal already. Like sure, part of the reason I ran for Freedom board was sentimental. I know it won't be the same next year--but it will be good if I have anything to do with it, in different ways--and I do have something to do with it, and that's what's important. Sure, change is hard even if it's good change. Sometimes it's hard to tell the difference between good change and bad change. But things are changing anyway, even if you don't or choose not to notice it. You do have power over your own life. Use it.

We spent a long time trying to figure out what to do. Eventually we decided that Liz and I would race back to her place to get my stuff and then we'd go to Chole's and I'd hang out with Anna the next day and they'd drive me back to camp. Something like that. Liz and Chole had a two-by-two about something in the parking lot while Jo and Anna and Monique waited in the cars and I stood around. They finished and Chole comes up behind me, really close, puts her arms around me and starts whispering in my ear. She wanted me to get Liz gas with her money which she slipped in my back pocket--but I really see what Liz means about getting in her space. Chole's good at it. I was like "what the--wow." She did something similar Sunday morning Pride weekend; I was the only one not dressed yet and I wandered over to get my clothes and Chole got all up in my space for like ten seconds before leaving me to get dressed. Some people--damn they just push my buttons.

That was the plan. Then Liz tried to pull out the wrong way onto a one-way street. She said it was a sign that we weren't supposed to go to Chole's. Which...hmm. My opinion--definitely a sign. However...I said when we got back here, when we were in bed but not asleep yet, that we should've just skipped Paper Moon and gone to someone's place to begin with. And on the way to Paper Moon, we were trying to get through an intersection with a really stupid driver in front of us, and this giant blue truck comes screaming down the cross-street and almost doesn't stop. Almost. So there are signs, and there are signs.

The first time I woke up this morning, my first thought was "stupid fucking god-damn birds." Because they would not shut up. Then I sort of fell asleep again and Liz woke up and then I woke up. Then Kate came and we went to yard sales and flea markets looking for a table for their dining room. They didn't find one but we found some other neat stuff. The first house we went to had two stacks of Nancy Drew and Tom Swift books, with a Dana Girls and a Bobbsey Twins thrown in. I almost got the Bobbsey Twins book, but the house made me nervous so I didn't. Just a weird feeling. Although Kate did find seven dollars just lying on the floor.

Kate found a couple of penguins for her...sister? at a flea market in a park. There were some pretty cool little dragon statuettes. I've always coveted dragon figurines in novelty stores and Renn/pagan festivals and never gotten one for some reason. Didn't get one there either--I'm at camp, what would I do with it?--but I did get an ankh necklace. There are signs, and there are signs.

Then they got a framed Monet poster for five bucks at another yard sale, and I got two books, Split Infinity and Blue Adept by Piers Anthony, because I haven't read them yet, I'm looking for ways to avoid reading Tess even though I should and do want to read it, and Kate literally squealed when she saw them. She's also letting me borrow Ben's copy of Danse Macabre because I had to leave for camp before it came out.

Then we went to Bed Bath & Beyond. I resisted buying random shit, because what would I do with it at camp? I almost got the sewing kit though. Almost. And I have this weird thing about...stuff. Like, I was seriously eying the spice racks. I can't cook; I don't cook. But I have this...homey kitchen fixation thing that I'm just noticing, or maybe it's just developing. I would love to have a well-stocked pantry, with everything in its place--either that or it would be complete chaos but I would still know where everything was--or have some bizarre filing system that only I understood. I could get along with any of those. But I don't cook! I don't understand it.

Maybe it's because of this Pagan Prayer book. (Which is excellent--thank you veganstastebest!) There are just all of these every day, hearth & home prayers. And it's the Pagan Polyamory book, and all the discussion this weekend about lots of people living all together in a big house... I want to have that hearth & home thing. I don't think two people would be enough for me either, even with a pet. I mean, my roommate experience last year was so much better than anything I've had before, because it was four people instead of just two. More people can just contribute so much more to everything, and then you have people to do stuff with at any time of day. I feel a little weird about saying it because Liz has been talking so much about it this weekend, but that's just my idea ownership thing coming up--sometimes you just need a Calculus book. If it's true, it's true. Who cares if someone else has said it a million times before, or just once, or it's completely new.

And I think that may be one of the things that's tripping me up at home: I've never put any work into my family. I feel so much more comfortable in "transient" situations like school because they're mine. I am more comfortable in my self-created families than my blood family because my blood family is just there. It always has been, even if it's been difficult and weird and on the verge of breaking up sometimes. Which, on the one hand, probably gives me a little bit of confidence to go out into the world because I know my parents and my brother will always love me--but on the other hand, I "know" they "only" love me because that's what they're supposed to do, because I've never done anything to cause them to love me. They love me because that's just want they've always done. And since I'm not putting anything into my family, I don't get anything back, and I feel lost, confused, upset, beaten down, small, insignificant. And I carry that with me when I leave the house, and I contaminate other people's lives with my own selfishness and laziness and sick complacency. And that's the oppressive feeling I get when I come home--I did it to myself.

Jesus. Who needs shrinks when there's LJ. I've been writing this entry for over two hours.

Okay, so after BB&B, we go to Walmart. The most enormous Walmart I've ever seen. Two stories tall, with a special escalator for carts that's just a few beats slower than the people-escalator so you can catch your cart at the end. Still didn't find a table, but they did get some stuff. Mostly food I think. I got three more DVDs: Patch Adams (yes, I did get it because Liz found it, and she also bought it, but I am an independent individual! And I haven't seen it in forever) and The Mummy (because I've seen Returns like six times on TV and I haven't seen the first one in awhile, and it is just too good) from the cheap bin, and I finally caved and bought Underworld (because Kate Beckinsale is just too hot as a vampire and I <3 Bill Nighy too too much).

Then we come home and we eat food because Liz and I hadn't eaten anything all day. Hotdogs and mac & cheese and crystal lite. Mmm.

If you really want to know the difference between this weekend and Pride, besides the talking thing--I actually bought six things while out with other people (out with Liz of all people), and I got up to refill my own glass at lunch. So there.

I still miss Kaitlyn. There was a girl this week that I called "Katy" all week because that was what she told me her name was, but I was filling out her luggage tags and realized her name was actually Caitlin. She had three bags, and I misspelled her name as "Caitlyn" and "Kaitlin" on the second two. I'm still a bit awkward around EB (yeah, I know, dorkiest thing ever), but now it's just because I do still miss Kaitlyn--duh. The girl hasn't spoken more than fifteen words to me in the last two months, of course I miss her.

Anyway. I've been writing this for two and a half hours and I don't think I have much more to say. I'm at Liz's apartment alone for the night because she's got a show and then she's spending time with her dad, which is why I'm writing this. Sorry to Liz that I signed you out.

I'll check in again during the week, and in a little bit I'll catch up on friends' entries, but for now I'm going to get off the computer and read. No comments necessary if you just don't have the energy after reading all of that--if you even made it this far. ;)

Love to all as always.

Comments

[piper-lee.livejournal.com]

Oh yeah, like that fruit-in-jello shit, right? Gross.

You forgot to comment on how your roommate experience this year was teh awesome because of Pipe. lolzomg srsly.

[dumblemop.livejournal.com]

No, more like...fruit in their own syrup? Like chunky applesauce except with more kinds of fruit.

And of course it was Pipe. <3