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dumblemopI think I might want to be a teacher.
HOWEVER, I don't know if it's a very good idea for me to be a teacher.
See, I guess I've been having this motivation problem lately, or rather, a lack-of-motivation problem. I didn't do very well grade-wise this year, because there was a lot of work I kind of didn't do. I did very well in terms of sorting my head out, it may not have been a good school year but it was a great life year, but that's not going to show up on my transcript or make the scholarship office less likely to cut me loose or reassure my parents. So I don't count it a wasted year even though my GPA is half a point short of the cuttoff--but I'd still very much like to not be cut off.
My parents ask me every so often whether I'm sure this is the right field for me. Probably because I went from "I dunno" to physics to asian studies to journalism before settling on computer sicence. However, physics and asian studies were my mom's ideas, and journalism was something I was sort of interested in but it was also the thing that least pissed off Lindsay at the time. Ironically, computer science was also Lindsay's idea, something suitably male and suitably analagous to the work on cars that Zac did, but I ended up liking programming so I didn't switch to something else when she left.
Yet, while I like programming, I don't do the work, and I have no idea what I want to do with my life and a degree in computer science. Absolutely none. Companies come through every so often to hand down internships and handpick their favorite scholars for jobs. And yes, I'm 19, and I know absolutely nothing about the world, but I don't think that life appeals to me. My parents did it. They've been in marketing at big corporate places my whole life and before that. They've been quite successful and they enjoy it. But I don't know.
I'd had the idea for a couple of months that maybe I'd like to do something I cared about and somehow work computer science into it. Unfortunately, I can't draw well enough to make money off of a webcomic like some have done. I thought it might be interesting to be local-computer-guru-person for a UU church, say, or a queer organization, or a friend's business. But these are never more than half-formed ideas that I could kind of see myself doing but can't really imagine it being practical or reasonable. So, pretty much, the options I have don't appeal to me, and the ideas I have aren't practical.
So I've had this weird idea the last couple of days, that I could be a teacher. I have never wanted to be a teacher. I don't really think I have the aptitude to be a teacher. It would be a hell of a lot of work to get to be a teacher, and then it would be a hell of a lot more work to stay a teacher. But I keep coming back to this idea.
Okay, pros of being a teacher:
-This country definitely needs teachers.
-I would have something to do with my life.
-I could make a difference to individuals intead of simply to a field.
-I could probably keep my scholarship (if I keep my scholarship), as far as I know, because I could still focus on computer science. In fact, it would probably play right into CWIT's plans.
-I wouldn't simply be throwing around the fact that this country needs teachers, I would be doing something about it.
Cons of being a teacher:
-It's getting worse and worse to be a teacher with the state of education in this country.
-I would need to start talking to school people immediately to figure things out.
-Am I even remotely cut out to be a teacher?
Arguments against the pros:
-Does this country really need bad teachers (as I probably would be)?
-Anything I do with my life is something I'm doing with my life, and I'm only a freshman. Maybe I'll get internships and decide I like corporate life.
-I don't have to make a difference to individuals as a profession--I can and should make a difference to individuals personally.
-CWIT is designed to help with the corporate track, not the education track.
-But I might be a bad teacher and then I wouldn't be helping, would I.
Arguments against the cons:
-Well, maybe I can do something about it instead of just talking about it.
-If it'll jumpstart my motivation, I'm sure it's worth it.
-Do I know that I'm not cut out to be a teacher?
Other things to consider:
-Is this just a totally half-assed plan that will fail to motivate me just as thoroughly as everything else has?
-Is this something that I want to do or just something that I could do, or think I could do?
-Can I even get through this college doing whatever it is I would need to do to be a teacher? How would computer science mesh with the teacher-ness?
-WTF am I thinking?!?
Seriously, WHY is this idea in my head?
It's all Taylor Mali's fault, damn his eyes. Go listen to "What Teachers Make" and tell me it doesn't make you want to be a teacher.
And another huge thing that I just realized (after pasting most of the above section from OD because I'm a loser like that): could I afford to work with kids and be gender variant? I've heard stories. And those are just about normal people--I'm in the middle. But--I'd have the same problems in a corporate setting, wouldn't I? There isn't a problem for cis people, and there are resources for regular trans people. I'm screwed either way, right? But usually people are a little bit more concerned when it concerns their kids.
So my options are, what, hide and squeeze myself down into a mold too small to hold me, or be true to myself and never, ever get hired? Because there are laws in some states, yes, but I'm sure it's pretty easy to make something up.
Feh. I don't even know what to make of this crazy idea. I've gotten all turned around thinking about it. I feel like there was more I wanted to say about it but I can't remember now.
HOWEVER, I don't know if it's a very good idea for me to be a teacher.
See, I guess I've been having this motivation problem lately, or rather, a lack-of-motivation problem. I didn't do very well grade-wise this year, because there was a lot of work I kind of didn't do. I did very well in terms of sorting my head out, it may not have been a good school year but it was a great life year, but that's not going to show up on my transcript or make the scholarship office less likely to cut me loose or reassure my parents. So I don't count it a wasted year even though my GPA is half a point short of the cuttoff--but I'd still very much like to not be cut off.
My parents ask me every so often whether I'm sure this is the right field for me. Probably because I went from "I dunno" to physics to asian studies to journalism before settling on computer sicence. However, physics and asian studies were my mom's ideas, and journalism was something I was sort of interested in but it was also the thing that least pissed off Lindsay at the time. Ironically, computer science was also Lindsay's idea, something suitably male and suitably analagous to the work on cars that Zac did, but I ended up liking programming so I didn't switch to something else when she left.
Yet, while I like programming, I don't do the work, and I have no idea what I want to do with my life and a degree in computer science. Absolutely none. Companies come through every so often to hand down internships and handpick their favorite scholars for jobs. And yes, I'm 19, and I know absolutely nothing about the world, but I don't think that life appeals to me. My parents did it. They've been in marketing at big corporate places my whole life and before that. They've been quite successful and they enjoy it. But I don't know.
I'd had the idea for a couple of months that maybe I'd like to do something I cared about and somehow work computer science into it. Unfortunately, I can't draw well enough to make money off of a webcomic like some have done. I thought it might be interesting to be local-computer-guru-person for a UU church, say, or a queer organization, or a friend's business. But these are never more than half-formed ideas that I could kind of see myself doing but can't really imagine it being practical or reasonable. So, pretty much, the options I have don't appeal to me, and the ideas I have aren't practical.
So I've had this weird idea the last couple of days, that I could be a teacher. I have never wanted to be a teacher. I don't really think I have the aptitude to be a teacher. It would be a hell of a lot of work to get to be a teacher, and then it would be a hell of a lot more work to stay a teacher. But I keep coming back to this idea.
Okay, pros of being a teacher:
-This country definitely needs teachers.
-I would have something to do with my life.
-I could make a difference to individuals intead of simply to a field.
-I could probably keep my scholarship (if I keep my scholarship), as far as I know, because I could still focus on computer science. In fact, it would probably play right into CWIT's plans.
-I wouldn't simply be throwing around the fact that this country needs teachers, I would be doing something about it.
Cons of being a teacher:
-It's getting worse and worse to be a teacher with the state of education in this country.
-I would need to start talking to school people immediately to figure things out.
-Am I even remotely cut out to be a teacher?
Arguments against the pros:
-Does this country really need bad teachers (as I probably would be)?
-Anything I do with my life is something I'm doing with my life, and I'm only a freshman. Maybe I'll get internships and decide I like corporate life.
-I don't have to make a difference to individuals as a profession--I can and should make a difference to individuals personally.
-CWIT is designed to help with the corporate track, not the education track.
-But I might be a bad teacher and then I wouldn't be helping, would I.
Arguments against the cons:
-Well, maybe I can do something about it instead of just talking about it.
-If it'll jumpstart my motivation, I'm sure it's worth it.
-Do I know that I'm not cut out to be a teacher?
Other things to consider:
-Is this just a totally half-assed plan that will fail to motivate me just as thoroughly as everything else has?
-Is this something that I want to do or just something that I could do, or think I could do?
-Can I even get through this college doing whatever it is I would need to do to be a teacher? How would computer science mesh with the teacher-ness?
-WTF am I thinking?!?
Seriously, WHY is this idea in my head?
It's all Taylor Mali's fault, damn his eyes. Go listen to "What Teachers Make" and tell me it doesn't make you want to be a teacher.
And another huge thing that I just realized (after pasting most of the above section from OD because I'm a loser like that): could I afford to work with kids and be gender variant? I've heard stories. And those are just about normal people--I'm in the middle. But--I'd have the same problems in a corporate setting, wouldn't I? There isn't a problem for cis people, and there are resources for regular trans people. I'm screwed either way, right? But usually people are a little bit more concerned when it concerns their kids.
So my options are, what, hide and squeeze myself down into a mold too small to hold me, or be true to myself and never, ever get hired? Because there are laws in some states, yes, but I'm sure it's pretty easy to make something up.
Feh. I don't even know what to make of this crazy idea. I've gotten all turned around thinking about it. I feel like there was more I wanted to say about it but I can't remember now.
