(no subject)

I had a weird, long, drawn-out dream last night. Probably because I wasn't really asleep for most of the night. I'm such a hypocrite. "My worrying has no effect on the outcome of anything," so I've been freaking out all yesterday and last night why?

I give up. I just give up. I didn't get a call last night so I'm going to assume that everything is as fine as could be expected and just do my work. They'll be back tomorrow.

I'd like to think I could have driven if I needed to. I'd like to think that wouldn't be beyond my limits. I'd like to think so.

So far, "Barbie Girl" is the best song I can come up with for the drag show. I'm not entirely sure it's suited to the characters, but then again, I don't know the characters, and it's upbeat and could be funny. It's not my show.

I've got class...well, in twenty minutes or so. I guess I'll go make a show of having everything together. I'll eat between Physics and Comp Sci, I'll hang out in the library or something and work on my paper between lecture and lab, and then I'll finish it tonight. If I get it done early I can start on my project so I'm not doing it Sunday night. Maybe I'll watch Boston Legal with Pipe.

I made an anklet. I was trying to make something else but I didn't have the right kind of string because she has all my good beading things. It's a little like the wish anklet I had in high school, but it only has three beads and I didn't have rainbow colors--in fact, I only had one kind of bead that would fit on hemp, because I'm used to working with floss. The three are supposed to stand for peace, love, and joy (although for some reason I keep thinking "peace, love, security" in my head; security falls inside peace) and it's supposed to transfer to the people I'm around and recharge while I'm asleep. I haven't programmed that part into it yet; I need a little more energy for it. I re-did my altar when I re-did my room. I still don't have my candle so I put Gandalf in the center.

You asked me if it was for no reason. Did you notice I was acting a little strangely before and after that question? I did. I'm sorry. Something in your tone just got me a little flustered and I didn't react well. I don't know how to deal with that searching interrogative manner anymore. Searching means you're looking for a specific answer and I have never been able to get the right answer and it...I panicked. Ask me again later if you want to know.

Alright, this fucking text box is expanding on me, so I am done with this entry.

(no subject)

I am waiting for the telephone to ring
I am listening but there is nothing to hear
I am writing everything I hope and I fear
I am walking down this lonely road tonight

I wrote those words for someone else but they're truer now.

I was supposed to be in class at 2:30, but I was eating lunch and I realized that if I didn't do work right now I'd never work again. Exaggeration? Maybe. I didn't want to risk it.

The Retriever Weekly has crap editors, by the way.




I feel a little better after talking to Alex. I need to make some music. Take out some agression on a piano? I'll feel better then. Work first though.

I've also decided. I'm taking up the drums again, for real this time.

(no subject)

I admit it. I'm stalking Liz's journals again. I'm getting one of my loneliness bouts. Various corners and edges are making significant dents in my palms and feet. I told you that I think of these things at the most inappropriate times. It can't get more inappropriate than this. I'm sorry.

Find your own pose!

No idea what that means.

Disorder	Your Score
Major Depression:	Very Slight
Dysthymia:	Slight
Bipolar Disorder:	Moderate
Cyclothymia:	Very High
Seasonal Affective Disorder:	Slight-Moderate
Postpartum Depression:	N/A
Take the Depression Test

Lovely.

I'm such a girl. I'm sitting here with a pint of ice cream and a basket of chocolate. I don't even think I can eat the whole thing, I just wanted some ice cream and I have flex to burn. I should've gotten something non-chocolate. It's easier to eat more of strawberry or something fruity like that than chocolate for some reason. I think I would kill for one of those strawberry fruit sorbet bars on a stick.

I watched "40-year-old Virgin" with Justin, Alison, Josh, Eric, and sort of Lauren, because I knew I wasn't going to do any work anyway so I might as well spend the time staring at a screen with people instead of staring at a screen alone. It was pretty bad but I laughed anyway, just to have something to laugh at.

It's funny, I write all these angsty entries and my comments just plummet.

I spent a good hour today hunting for poly and pan LJ communities. I'm not really sure why. It's funny, reading stories from poly people's lives, it seems like everyone does it differently than we do. I don't even know where I picked up on the idea. I think it might have been the same website as where I picked up on furry culture. But I stumbled across furry because I was researching polyamory--but where did I come up with polyamory before that?

It's strange how these things just sort of creep into your life. I had no idea what I was getting into that night. I was just not shielding at all, and Liz just stepped up--and by some unexplained phenomenon, felt similarly. And had a girlfriend who wasn't averse to it. And then suddenly we were us. Am I unjustified in thinking of it that way? I don't want to end up with some undeserved sense of belonging if that's not actually the case. This is just how I feel, and I'm in a disclosure-because-I-have-nothing-else-to-do mood. There's just...there's just nothing better than coming up behind Liz in the dark and having her turn around and say "Baby!" with that look on her face, or waking up wrapped around Kaitlyn. I feel like you're both my alpha, if that makes sense. It kind of has to be that way, given that you're each other's alpha, but I think it just is that way.

I think I'm being mean to Matt. I wore my gay agenda shirt today and ran into him in the Commons at lunch and tried to get him to do Day of Silence again. He still won't do it. He wants to hang out this weekend. I really don't know if I'll be in the mood.

I need cuddling. It took a lot of willpower not to ask to watch the movie draped on Justin, because he was the one sitting with me on the couch. I don't like to make people uncomfortable for no reason, and CWIT is not a cuddly crowd. And it wouldn't have felt right. I need my Liz and my Kaitlyn. Not that I feel like I'm not allowed to cuddle with anyone else, it just...I don't need just cuddling, I need them, and they're not here, so I have this vacuum that I shouldn't just fill.

I'm pretty sure Lindsay was polyamorous at heart, she just didn't want to admit it. Judging by the number of guys that went through my head, I'd say that's a yes. She also didn't want anyone else around her to be the same way--it was all about her. She always told me I'd find a Rosie after she went off to the Undying Lands. Single-handedly almost ruined Tolkien for me now.

Whatever. I'm just saying things to have something to say, because the truth is that I should not be feeling the way I'm feeling right now. Not the time. But there it is. I'm eating to have something in my mouth, and I keep rubbing my hands on the edges of the desk.

I miss my girls.

I feel like everything is so fluid now. Change is by and large good, and growth, and all that, but I don't take the blatant disruption of what schedule I have very well. I'll ditch anything to spend time with Liz, but I have my little patterns. I guess this is just one of those things that I need to learn that I can't base my functioning around her. Did it have to be because of something like this?

Don't let me forget that tomorrow is Day of Silence, because I'll forget and wear yellow or something.

I've got to go to bed. If I'm not going to work, I cannot stay up any later than this and hope to function tomorrow because tomorrow I absolutely must work. If you see me not working, smack me. They're going to be drained and Liz is still going to have to call her show. I can't be all pansy and angst and insomnia. I'm not good at being strong. I'll get spiders, I'll clean up broken objects, I'll fix computers, I'll lift boxes...these head and heart things are not my strong point. Especially with people I care so strongly about. My brother is the exception, I guess, because I've known him for seventeen years.

I'm not used to being an adult. I always expect my parents to tell me what I can and can't do. It's weird when I actually come up with something and they think it's a great idea. I don't even know what that has to do with anything. Nothing, it has nothing to do with anything. My mind just won't turn off. It's the new moon in two days.

Alright. I need to go to bed. J'espère que vous êtes bien. Je vous aime.