Oh god, the long-awaited update from hell.

[dumblemop]

From piper_lee:
Face Recognition Test
Do you have face recognition impairments?

My results:
Out of 20 target faces (ones you learned in the first part of this test), you correctly identified 20.
Out of 30 nontarget faces (ones that didn't learn in the first part of this test), you correctly responded that you had not seen 27 of them.

Overall, you got 94% correct.
The average person with normal face recognition scores about 85% on this test. If you scored less than 75% on this test, this may indicate face recognition difficulties.

(On the famous faces one, there were 30 people and I recognized 23 of them...The ones I didn't get were almost all people that I know of but don't see any pictures of ever so I didn't recognize their faces.)

Still from piper_lee:

dumblemop's LJ stalker is hisladyhiswife!

hisladyhiswife is stalking you because they have you confused with someone else whom they love. They are also stalking you in real life. Look out!

LiveJournal Username:

LJ Stalker Finder
From Go-Quiz.com

Lol.



So I cut my hair today. As in, took a shower and cut it. It looks about the same as when I cut it the other time: sort of annoying but not too much worse than it would be from the hair place. Apparently I can only cut my own hair one way. Maybe I'll get my brother to fix it up a little. I'll see how it looks when it finishes drying. My dad was like, "o_o Did you cut your hair again? I hate it when you do that. It's just such a shock." Like it's not a shock for me? Like it would be less of a shock if someone else cut it? Whatever. It's hair. It'll grow back.

So my parents know about my grades now, and I did lose my scholarship. My mom called Liz while we were at Gallagher's Friday night to tell me--that was awkward. So I've been getting mini-lectures from my dad all day about it. I don't really know what to say about it to him. I don't like talking to my parents about hard stuff. I know that bothers them. I really should talk to them about the Lindsay thing. My dad started talking about senior year and how that's kind of the only time in four years that I've mostly had my shit together, and he ventured the theory that it was because I saw Lindsay working her ass off and it motivated me to do my work. My response was "not exactly." He asked what it was, then--I said I'd have to explain it later.

See, because I should tell both of my parents, not just my mom or just my dad. And my parents don't like it when I share things with one of them and not the other. I came out to my dad sophomore year before I came out to my mom, and I asked him not to tell her so that I could tell her myself, and she got all upset about it--I think he told her anyway. But I should tell them. We'll see if I can find a good time to do it.

Speaking of finding good timing, my timing sucked this morning. I brought two things to give to Liz, and I showed her one of them and never really found the time to give her the other one. It would've taken all of five minutes. So I went home with it instead. I just...went on autopilot for a bit there. I need to stop doing that.

I think with the Lindsay explanation this year will make more sense to them. I don't know how I'll go about it though. Maybe if I stop hiding it I'll be able to move beyond it and stop having all these random trip-ups. So this year I worked out some gender stuff and I actually made and kept connections with people--but I let my work slide. Next year it'll be my job to keep those connections and straighten out my studies.

I'm always really surprised when people tell me that they like me or that I should be around more often. This weekend Liz's mom wanted me to promise that I would come back to visit, and so did Kate. It's like, I don't usually think I'm doing or being anything particularly noteworthy but a lot of people seem to think I'm cool. I've never really understood that--well, actually, it hasn't really happened that much before, just since this year. I'm not entirely sure what that means.

A lot of the car ride back from the train station was my dad telling me I had talent, but that I didn't use it to my full potential. I feel like I've been hearing that all my life. Seems I should've done something about it before, in that case, right? But no. Yelling doesn't do any good, it just makes me cry. Being disappointed in me doesn't do any good, it just depresses me. My dad keeps asking what he can do to help and I have no idea because you'd think something would have worked by now. So...I need to find something to do about that.

I think I need people's expectations to just go away for awhile.

I wish I could relax again and just do what works on impulse instead of having to goddamn dissect everything and then get things wrong 70% of the time. I need to stop switching between "autopilot" and "cogitating machine" and find my nice Rob middle ground again.

Okay. So the Baltimore trip. Where did I leave off? Okay, Thursday at lunch. So I had lunch and was quiet but the pizza was tasty even though I probably filled up on garlic bread too much beforehand. After that Alex dropped Ben and I off at Ben's house to wait for Kate and/or Liz because neither of us drives. We played Suikoden III for awhile, which I haven't played in awhile. Then I gave the controller to Ben to try to beat something and ended up falling asleep on the couch for about an hour.

Then Kate got there and I went with Kate and Ben to Target to get a vacuum cleaner because Kate's pre-Liz roommate took the vacuum with her and left bunny leavings all up in Liz's room. Kate and Ben were mean to each other but it was cute. It was their anniversary. I got the rundown on their familial interactions. Kate put her arm around me in the parking lot going from the car to the store, which was unexpected but nice.

So we brought stuff back to the apartment, and Ben and I vacuumed while Kate and Liz signed the lease, and then Liz and Ben went to the grocery store to get stuff for dinner while Kate and I cleaned the kitchen. That was fun. I like being useful. So we had chicken parmesan and spaghetti for dinner that Kate made. It was good. I feel like...Liz and I went somewhere between getting the makings of dinner and eating dinner but at the moment I can't remember where. After dinner we put Liz's bed together. That was fun. I was a little too enthusiastic with the frame but I figured out how to put the stupid metal slat holders in--I was absurdly proud of myself. I think that's when I do my best work around Liz, when she's given up on something and I can step in and take care of it--because if she's still interested in solving or doing whatever it is, then whatever I do isn't quite right and she ends up doing it herself.

I need to be braver. I promised myself I would be brave last month and then I kind of lost it when the whole "um...yeah...not working out" thing went down. I really missed Kaitlyn that night. I felt ridiculous because Liz was just cuddling EB and I just missed her so intensely that it hurt.

Friday morning Liz interviewed me for and wrote her paper for class. That was interesting, I suppose. I don't really know how well I answered her or whether my responses were useful or not. I talked a bit much about Lindsay...but the truth is that my data pool is pretty small, so that's kind of what I've got. I hung out in the library while Liz was in class. I had dinner at the Grill. It was a little weird being back on campus. Ireland was playing Holland on the TV and I was going to watch but I forgot about it while I was getting my food. I read Micah instead which I sort of stole/borrowed from Kate. I cannot get enough of those books--and there's a new one! Micah was sort of a mini-interlude-novelette thing. It was a good quick read though.

After Liz got out of class we went back to her parents' house for towels because she wanted a shower. We talked in the car and at the house and in the car again--I can't remember it all exactly right now but I was being silly and silent and she was being frustrated by it, as usual. Eventually we got to a point where it was reasonably okay, though, because I had one of those sudden moment-of-clarity moodswings. I need to work on maintaining those feelings instead of letting myself close up and go silent.

So Liz and I both took showers at the apartment and had leftover chicken before heading to Gallagher's. I'd never been to it before. Because (Piper will remember) I wanted to go there for the Jo/Chole birthday bash earlier in the year but I couldn't go to Howl at the Moon because it's 21+ and no one would give me a ride to Gallagher's afterwards. Although, I'm sure I would've been terribly awkward and not enjoyed myself that much had I gone.

So there were lots of people there: me, Liz, Johanna, Chole, Tiara, Marcus, Anna, Monique, and other people whose names I didn't really catch but at least a couple of somebodies knew them. We played pool. I sucked royally at it but it was fun anyway. Team "Win by Default" FTW. It was interesting. Not only had I never been to this particular bar before I'd never been to a bar at all.

My mom called me at one point but I ignored it because I was in a bar and didn't want to talk--but I'd been supposed to call her on Wednesday, so she calls Liz's cellphone. So I went outside to talk to her and she thankfully didn't ask where we were or I was able to just say we were hanging out. So she tells me that I lost my scholarship etc, I go back inside and get a hug from Liz, and forget about it.

After that eventually Tiara and Marcus were talking in a corner and Liz and Chole and Johanna had disappeared to dance so I was just kind of standing against a wall for five minutes because I was being stupid and unbrave. So after being asked five million times whether I was in line for the bathroom when I was clearly nowhere near the door, I decided to be a little bit braver and go "dance." I stood around for awhile in the group. Liz periodically tried to draw me out but... I don't understand how I don't give a fuck what people are thinking while I'm walking to class but I stand there like a statue with a weird smile on my face when I'm supposed to be dancing with my friends. I spent a little time trying to figure out whether I would have been more willing to dance if I'd been out with my suitemates instead. I couldn't figure it out.

I ended up dancing a very little bit. I used to dance and not give a fuck when I was in middle school. The music was just very loud and it was all unfamiliar because I don't really listen to a lot of hip-hop or whatever it was and I was just really awkward. Eventually I was able to shake off my akwardness a little and at least sort of sway but I get self-conscious and lose the rhythm so easily that it's ridiculously pathetic.

Then the Charm City Boys did their thing. That was interesting too but still very loud. The one running the show kept talking about Girl Scout camp--like every fourth sentence--so I'm wondering if I'll run into her at camp. I tried to memorize her face so I could be like "Rainbow Brite!" if I see her ever. After a couple of acts everyone but Anna and Monique went around the back of the bar to wait for it to be over. I sat in Liz's lap for awhile because there weren't enough chairs, and then I sat in Chole's lap for awhile because there was some kind of chair switch-up. Tiara and Johanna and Liz amused themselves by bombarding each other with ice.

We left around...I don't know. Midnight? One? It was pretty late, anyway. We stopped by the grocery store on the way to Tiara's house for waffle fixings and I got fruit leathers! I haven't had those since I was a kid. I used to eat them all the time. So Tiara got like twelve and I got five, and we went to Tiara's house and chilled in the basement. Chilling in the basement involved an entire night of fun, including reverse "Never Have I Ever," Johanna's brilliant card game (featuring JACK ATTACK), really hilariously bad porn, island conquest, and cuddling. At one point Liz said, "Thoughts: go," and I said, "...this is so awesome."

So at 6:30 we made waffles--or rather, Tiara, Chole, and Johanna made waffles and sausages while I stood around and sang Wicked with Liz. I wish I had passion for things. The waffles were good, but I didn't have any sausages. While waffles were being made I also lounged on Johanna's island and watched Liz and Marcus do "Cell Block Tango." Then we all went back to sleep a bit after seven until about noon or so.

We went out to eat lunch at Ruby Tuesday's. I had a smoothie and a quesadilla. It was good, it was just chicken and cheese and tomatoes, instead of the quesadilla sauce that some places put in it. Marcus definitely had me audibly collapsed on the table with a neck rub while we were waiting for the food. I made a tiny paper crane out of a bit of my straw wrapper and I tried to make Liz a lizard out of a dollar bill but I was having to totally improvise it and it basically failed. I did try for like ten minutes though. Remind me to look up a pattern on the internet so I can be awesome the next time I see her.

Then we left Tiara and Marcus to go swimming while we went to the Pride parade. Saw Tiff and got some Tiff love. Also three necklaces, some little candies, and a couple of flyers. It was nice, although it was hella, hella hot. We stopped at a little cafe for water and the manager had a billion necklaces--they'd run out of bottles so they were giving out water in cups and only charging for the cups so we got like eight cups of water for only a couple of dollars. We wandered around the pre-Block Party crush. Some of us got shirts and things at the DITC booth, and then we decided to head back to Tiara's to swim.

Tiara and Marcus had just come back from the pool though, and a couple people didn't have suits, so instead of swimming we chilled in the basement some more. A little talking, then a little napping, then a lot of cuddling--backrubs and the like. There was a me-Monique-Anna-Chole-Johanna backrub chain for a bit. Then I gave Chole a backrub. I'd sort of thought I was better with feet than backs because Liz has never really been into my backrubs, but apparently Chole really likes them. It's really nice. Liz observed that I never get tired of doing it, and I really don't. I love making people feel good. Tiara scratched my back for a bit and then she went somewhere and Marcus took over--I was totally boneless on the floor after that, believe me. I rubbed his back for awhile after that; he was practically asleep but he was sort of purring. Not like Liz purrs (hot) but like I do.

So after deciding not to swim, we decided not to go to the drive-thru movie, and then we decided not to do laser tag, and then we decided not to get Chinese food and a movie. Finally we decided to go to a place called Bateman's and get food and play pool. So we got food and there was much hilarity and enjoyment of dinner. It was decided that Tiara was an Italian greyhound, a combination of my and Chole's suggestion. We ended up not playing pool because they closed it for some reason.

So then we went back to Liz's apartment and hung out. Tiara and Marcus were supposed to head out because Marcus needed to be at work the next day but he passed out on the floor and then Kate shuffled him off to her bed when she got back with Ben. Eventually Tiara joined him, but first we watched more hilariously bad porn. Then Kate and Ben went back to Ben's house and we watched the porn for a little while more but that was about as much as anyone could stand so we turned it off and migrated to Liz's room. It was another late, late night.

Liz's bed doesn't really hold a lot of people, both space-wise and weight-wise (the platform slats get out of place) so we ended up sleeping on the dining room floor. Tiara and Marcus left early in the morning (I was dead to the world and didn't get to say goodbye--love to you anway). Then we all mostly woke up and Anna and Monique left. Then the four of us left got dressed to get breakfast/lunch--at Panera Bread! I <3 Panera. The first time I had it since Wisconsin was with Piper and Dan and Ryan before (the other) Tiara and Adriann got there, and it was nice to eat there again. Mostly it was just nice to be with Chole and Johanna and Liz. Good times and good food--could I ask for more? I think not.

Then we headed to the Pride festival. It was hot as hell again. We got some Tiff and Kim love, Johanna and Liz played some trick on someone I didn't know, we listened to some music and watched all the happy people...and then they told us that everyone parked on the grass would be fined unless they moved their cars. So Johanna and Chole got their relationship blessed while Liz and I went to move Liz's car, and then Johanna and Chole left while we were heading back to the festival. So we decided to just go back to Liz's place and cool off.

I'm thinking now that I should've looked for something for my dad for Father's Day and my brother for his graduation but I didn't think of it at the time. Mostly what I saw was DITC clothing and rainbow necklaces though, and I'm not sure either of those would really be appropriate. But then again, I'm not very good about making decisions to shop when I'm out with people, 'cause I like to tag along instead of lead and if I didn't just follow I would get lost.

So Liz and I went back to her apartment. She had a shower, we had a discussion that went okay insofar as I actually talked, we had a nap (after she first fell asleep on the couch quite adorably), we got groceries and then had dinner--chicken quesadilla hotpockets and salad. It was good. I talked some more, we talked some more. Liz talkd to Kaitlyn while I talked to my dad, and then Liz talked to Kaitlyn some more while I "surreptitially" listened from the couch. Then we kind of goofed around on the bed for a bit (perfect opportunity to present the second thing but I flubbed it) until Kate got home. I stayed on the bed and shuffled my Tarot cards for awhile so Liz and Kate could talk, until they loudly wondered why I wasn't out there with them so I went and sat at the table too.

There followed much talk and laughter about everything from Kate's "tea cattle" to lesson plan ideas for Kate's job to stories about Kate and Liz's life to whether Jesus was married or not. I mostly stayed quiet, but I really enjoyed myself anyway. I just don't really see why I should speak up most of the time because, for example, Kate is a very deft conversationalist. She'll pick a topic and discuss it for awhile, giving equal attention to everyone involved in the conversation, and then when she's finished with that topic there will be a new one, with no awkard pauses but also without rushing around. Liz is a great storyteller and she's good with interjections. And they're funny. So I do kind of sit back and let them do all the work, because they're good at it.

Liz went to do...something, probably involving the phone so Kate took me upstairs with her to feed the fish and the bunny. I met the infamous Dave (fuck, or was it Dan? It's late, I can't remember). He gave me a cupcake. I was highly amused by the fact that their apartments are the same, except Dave's has no carpteting and has six seasons of West Wing instead of seven seasons of Buffy. When we got back down we kind of migrated to the living room and talked some more. It was nice.

And time passed so quickly the whole weekend it was ridiculous. So before we know it it's 1AM and we need to go to bed because I have to be at the train station by eight the next morning and Liz has to go to work. So we sleep. I asked if I could hold her and she let me. Which makes me wonder what the response would be if I'd asked the other nights. I kind of wanted to cuddle with the others Saturday night (Liz slept in her bed) but I was afraid to ask them too. I need to work on that.

So Monday morning we get up, I have breakfast while Liz makes lunch for herself, and I'm at the train station by 8:15 and on my train at 8:30. I got an ice tea (I really wanted water) and a bag of Smartfoods popcorn from the vending machines. I read more Feynman on the way back. My dad picked me up from the station and that's kind of where I started this entry.

I started this entry at 8:08PM, and it's now 2:40AM. My mom and my godmother are in and asleep, and my dad is asleep on the couch. So I should probably go to bed.

I do have to say one thing: That this better not be the last time we all spend together. Matt sent out a link to the Freedom officers' page because he wants something similar from this board, and there's everyone being special and beautiful and I really miss you guys. I love you all. I have all these wonderful memories now and I need to renew them periodically. Okay??? Love, Rob.

There are some things I feel like discussing or at least musing about but I'm not entirely sure that it's necessary or advisable to do it in the pretty much public forum that is my LJ. Because they're things that I should think about and work out, and although I like to be open-book at least as far as writing goes, but...I'm not sure that really applies.

I'm always struck when people observe things about me because I'm so used to being the observer. It's...interesting I guess.

Chole made my night with this:
chole2007: you are like a puppy
chole2007: that is the kind of dog you would be
chole2007: you would be a puppy
chole2007: cute and cuddely .... someone who treats everything like it is his first experience.... and easily distracted... and deep in thought
chole2007: ok maybe puppies dont get into the deep in thought mood
chole2007: but you as a puppy would
chole2007: instead of chasing the ball to sniff it
chole2007: you would think... wow there is a ball
chole2007: it is red
chole2007: and then a pretty lady would walk by and you would forget about the ball
chole2007: before you got up to sniff it

That's it, I either need an IM service that will save conversations automatically or I'm just starting saving everyone's myself because you all are so awesome and I am so lucky to know you. I don't count this year a waste because I've made these connections and I had a hell of a grand time. I regret the difficulties losing my scholarship will probably create for my family, but we'll deal with it; I really believe that I did what I needed to do.

My mom didn't hate my hair after all. She said it was cute. I'm not sure it really qualifies as cute, more...odd. My hair before I cut it was probably cute--Tiara said so--but I was getting a little sick of it long and I hadn't made a decision to grow it out because...that would just be weird, I think. I have trouble differentiating between what works great on other people and what works for me. Like I love long hair on other people (witness Kaitlyn, Kate, Amy, Cute LAN Girl/Allison--and there was a really cute chick across and one up from me on the train for awhile with long hair that was sort of the color of mine but with lighter highlights and it was really fine) but long hair on me doesn't work that great and it's a pain to deal with, etc. And there's a lot more like that.

Not that I don't like short or medium hair, because obviously I do (witness Liz, Chole, Johanna, Anna, Monique, Tiara, every androgynous chick ever). I think I'm people-sexual. Like I really am pan-omni-whatever because I don't really have a type and I have the capacity to be attracted to all kinds of people, but if I'm attracted to a person as opposed to just a fleeting image, aspects that I might not jump at in a stranger are intensely attractive. I feel like that's unusual in some way--like most people have something(s) about their various persons of affection that they're not really into, and I haven't really noticed that.

There's probably more that I have to say but I'll have to say it another time. I'm not sure how much I'll be on the next couple days because of packing for camp (and college because my parents thing two weeks between camp and class isn't enough), donewithmorals' graduation, my godmother being here, etc., but I'll try to slip in a few entries even if I'm not available for long conversations on AIM. Don't forget to leave your address here if you want letters from me at camp.

I know this entry is hella long so don't worry about reading or responding to it. It's just here so I have a record of events and in case anyone is interested after all. Next time I see people, someone remind me not to be so...strained.

My dad is hella snoring on the couch so I'm going to wake him up so he can actually go to sleep. Love to all. (Seriously.)

Comments

[johanna17.livejournal.com]

awww... yay for all the fun from the weekend! we'll totally see each other and rock up life again!!

and hopefully lose no one... and add new people... and have superlotsoffun :)

lovvvvvvvve, jo

PS: JACK ATTACK!

[dumblemop.livejournal.com]

Score. We are awesome.

[dumblemop.livejournal.com]

Lol, before I cut it or afterwards?