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May. 19th, 2006 10:45 amI should probably be studying, but I'm not. My exam isn't until six, I'll live.
Physics went alright. I had a bad moment when I did something in three lines when the part had space for calculations of at least a third of the page and it was the most points of any section (12 points). But I figured, if the way I did it wasn't the way to do it, I didn't know the way to do it anyway, and staring at the page for another half an hour wasn't going to help me figure it out. So I turned it in.
Can't believe I actually woke up for it though. And I can't believe Pipe woke up with me for NO FUCKING REASON.
I had another bad moment, but it didn't have anything to do with the test. I didn't turn my phone off during the test but left it on vibrate like it always is. I never expect anyone to call me but I like to have it on anyway, now that I'm actually consistently charging it and carrying it around. And about 15 minutes into the test, my phone rang. I hoped it wasn't that obvious and went on with the exam. And my phone rang again.
There is only one person who calls me multiple times in immediate succession if I don't pick up instantly.
I became absolutely, horribly convinced that it was her. I was terrified. I had to put my head down on my desk and breathe. Then I said fuck it and went on with my exam.
I checked my messages when I got out. Turned out it was my dad. He said that Mom had said I'd called her and she was in a place where the signal was bad so I should call him instead. WTF? I called him back and told him that I hadn't called her, because I'd been in an exam. He said that she'd been waiting for John to get out of class (he has a class at the high school first period and then she drives him back to the A-school for the rest of his classes) and had gotten calls from him and me and been concerned. So who knows.
So it was weird, but fine. But it made me wonder what I would do if she came back. I wouldn't go crawling back to her...but I never could stand up to her then, could I stand up to her now? I'd like to think I'm stronger than that now, but I'd like to think a lot of things.
There are some things I should probably say, but I need to get out of the habit of spilling my guts here and just say things as they come to me. The problem is that if I don't say them right away, or I think of them later, I never remember them unless I write them down. And if I run through them in my head in order to remember them, they come out just as rehearsed as if I'd written them out in the first place.
Being in this scholarship is difficult sometimes. I've done so many school and special program applications over the years that I get into the habit of saying the things that are expected of me. I was writing my final project assessment last night and I kept seeing "As a woman in computer science" unfold on the screen and I kept taking it back. The thing is, both the words and the taking them back are equally studied, they feel equally foreign. Because I rarely feel like a woman, but what would I replace those words with? "As a female-bodied person in computer science"? Far too self-aware and seemingly PC for a simple one-page, 5-point assigment, it's stilted and studied and stiff. My experience has been shaped by being female, but it feels just as off to say that as to avoid saying it.
English is so goddamn dependent on gender that if you try to rearrange your language to avoid it you end up tripping over yourself, which is why the simplicity of The Mercy Room amazes me and I can never get enough of it. Even as I'm taking it apart to argue for one side or the other, I can still see that simplicity as I'm complicating it, the simplicity remains untouched. Life is only as complicated as you make it.
I think I don't understand the Gender Variance / Freedom Alliance dynamic because hardly anyone in GV seems to feel safe in FA, but I feel safe in FA and much less so in GV. I don't know why that is. I mean, several people in FA are also in GV, I like most to all of the people in each group, where's the difference? It's like FA is my place, and GV is somewhere that I hang out but I don't really belong there.
And that's this feeling that I have. It's like knowing how to spell, knowing how to put together sentences--I have this "rightness" thing with language. I also have it a few other places, the certainty that something is right, that everything is where it belongs. That's how I feel with you. But I have this doubt that this feeling is wrong, because of everything that's happened. And I don't know how to reconcile that.
Physics went alright. I had a bad moment when I did something in three lines when the part had space for calculations of at least a third of the page and it was the most points of any section (12 points). But I figured, if the way I did it wasn't the way to do it, I didn't know the way to do it anyway, and staring at the page for another half an hour wasn't going to help me figure it out. So I turned it in.
Can't believe I actually woke up for it though. And I can't believe Pipe woke up with me for NO FUCKING REASON.
I had another bad moment, but it didn't have anything to do with the test. I didn't turn my phone off during the test but left it on vibrate like it always is. I never expect anyone to call me but I like to have it on anyway, now that I'm actually consistently charging it and carrying it around. And about 15 minutes into the test, my phone rang. I hoped it wasn't that obvious and went on with the exam. And my phone rang again.
There is only one person who calls me multiple times in immediate succession if I don't pick up instantly.
I became absolutely, horribly convinced that it was her. I was terrified. I had to put my head down on my desk and breathe. Then I said fuck it and went on with my exam.
I checked my messages when I got out. Turned out it was my dad. He said that Mom had said I'd called her and she was in a place where the signal was bad so I should call him instead. WTF? I called him back and told him that I hadn't called her, because I'd been in an exam. He said that she'd been waiting for John to get out of class (he has a class at the high school first period and then she drives him back to the A-school for the rest of his classes) and had gotten calls from him and me and been concerned. So who knows.
So it was weird, but fine. But it made me wonder what I would do if she came back. I wouldn't go crawling back to her...but I never could stand up to her then, could I stand up to her now? I'd like to think I'm stronger than that now, but I'd like to think a lot of things.
There are some things I should probably say, but I need to get out of the habit of spilling my guts here and just say things as they come to me. The problem is that if I don't say them right away, or I think of them later, I never remember them unless I write them down. And if I run through them in my head in order to remember them, they come out just as rehearsed as if I'd written them out in the first place.
Being in this scholarship is difficult sometimes. I've done so many school and special program applications over the years that I get into the habit of saying the things that are expected of me. I was writing my final project assessment last night and I kept seeing "As a woman in computer science" unfold on the screen and I kept taking it back. The thing is, both the words and the taking them back are equally studied, they feel equally foreign. Because I rarely feel like a woman, but what would I replace those words with? "As a female-bodied person in computer science"? Far too self-aware and seemingly PC for a simple one-page, 5-point assigment, it's stilted and studied and stiff. My experience has been shaped by being female, but it feels just as off to say that as to avoid saying it.
English is so goddamn dependent on gender that if you try to rearrange your language to avoid it you end up tripping over yourself, which is why the simplicity of The Mercy Room amazes me and I can never get enough of it. Even as I'm taking it apart to argue for one side or the other, I can still see that simplicity as I'm complicating it, the simplicity remains untouched. Life is only as complicated as you make it.
I think I don't understand the Gender Variance / Freedom Alliance dynamic because hardly anyone in GV seems to feel safe in FA, but I feel safe in FA and much less so in GV. I don't know why that is. I mean, several people in FA are also in GV, I like most to all of the people in each group, where's the difference? It's like FA is my place, and GV is somewhere that I hang out but I don't really belong there.
And that's this feeling that I have. It's like knowing how to spell, knowing how to put together sentences--I have this "rightness" thing with language. I also have it a few other places, the certainty that something is right, that everything is where it belongs. That's how I feel with you. But I have this doubt that this feeling is wrong, because of everything that's happened. And I don't know how to reconcile that.
