Don't Want to Say Goodnight

I should have apple juice with my honey, but I'll have to make do with lemonade. I had a moment out in the field while I was coming back from Liz's. Wandered around and wrote a song off the top of my head. It even had a bridge, how weird is that? Let's see if I remember the words. If I can remember any of the words I'll record the tune so I won't lose it.

I've been walking
Just about all my life
And I've finally found the reason
The reason for this feeling
This joy welling up inside
It's because I've found two women
Who make everything alright

That's really the important part. The rest of it I'll only be able to remember clumsily, if at all. That and it's a little repetative.

You won't know how much I love you
Until you look into my eyes
Where you'll see the reason
The reason for this feeling
The joy welling up inside
It's because I love two women
And I'll be here all my life

It's a warm sunny May morning
And I'm missing you today
(Similar end to this verse as the others but I can't remember it.)

So I'm walking out this evening
And I'm writing down this song
To tell you both the reason
The reason for this feeling
This joy welling up inside
It's because I've found two women
Who make everything alright

There were like four other verses and a bridge, I was out there in the field for twenty minutes just walking where my feet took me and singing this song from my heart.

And people ask how I can be okay with this. People are weird.

All in all a good Beltane, but I shouldn't have gone to sleep. I am just kicking myself over that. Or at least I should have had my phone with me on full volume instead of in my bag on vibrate, and I should at least have gotten up when I set my alarm. Now I'm all awake but I still don't want to do my paper, but if I'm not doing my paper I have to be in bed. And if I don't do my paper now, I'll have to do it in the morning--but if I sleep now, I'll have some semblance of a normal schedule for tomorrow.

I'm not a very good pagan. I've been lazy lately and I feel kind of bad about that. I think I'm a good Unitarian. There's just something that feels inherently silly about generic Outer Court-influenced Neopagan stuff, especially when I don't have a group like ASC anymore, but the last thing I need right now is another excuse to slack off from work because I'm studying religions and philosophies hunting for what fits me. I fit me. I'm a Unitarian before I'm anything else, but I guess I'm just poly-religious as well as polyamorous.

I need to find other ways to express myself besides "I love you." I feel like people must get tired of hearing it. I told Kaitlyn I loved her today. I tell Liz too often and Kaitlyn not enough. I don't even want to think about summer.

Had a good conversation with Aeryes. See, this is why communication is an amazing thing. I mean, besides the fact that this whole relationship probably would not exist if it weren't for communication. I was telling him about Liz and Kaitlyn because we haven't talked in like...two months and I realized that I've known him for four years now. And I've avoided telling him about the gender thing for almost half of that because I do care about his opinions and I had no idea what his reaction would be and if he didn't know then I wouldn't have to deal with the consequences of him knowing. So I gave him my journal link and explained why I hadn't wanted him to see it when I'd started it. And he'd already guessed somehow and is fine with it as far as I can tell. Which is a little bit boggling but wonderful and a definite relief. 'Cause I was like "so..." and he was like "yeah...I kinda sensed that" and I was like "O_O;" and we talked and it's good. :)

So all in all, a good Beltane. Merry meet, merry part, and merry meet again. (This is something I need to take to heart so I don't end up sleeping on your landing.)