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(no subject)
Forgive me. Faced with
your tears, faced with your triumph,
I offer silence.
I think I need to get over myself and just stop being weird.
X-men was fun. There wasn't cuddling, but there was tea. It was: Dan, me, Stephen, Kristin, Skylar, Miles, Mike, another Dan and his friend, and two other guys who came with Miles and Mike. So we saved eleven seats in the fourth row. There was a guy a couple of rows down who could've been Miles' heavier twin. It was freaky. I swear Dan knew everyone in that theater and the other one that was playing it. Then after the movie Dan, me, Stephen, Kristin, and Skylar went back to chill in Stephen's basement for a bit at like two in the morning.
It was a good time. Dan cut his hair, so now it's really short instead of really huge. Stephen's is long these days, it was always short freshman year; he looks a little like Derrick except his hair is browner. I always forget how attractive Steve really is until I see him again. Like whoa. I definitely had a crush on him freshman year. But then again, I also had crushes on Dan, CJ, Garance, Carly, Miles, Laura, and Casey. And I only just figured out that I'm polyamorous? :P
I think I figured out why I was looking up polyamory. I'd been reading Queen of Wands, and one of the characters is polyamorous. So I think I looked it up. I think there's something a little off in my chronology though.
In other news, I fucking hate this house. I just spent basically the last two hours horribly angry for no good reason. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with this house, but something is very wrong. John feels it too. I get angry for no reason, I stay angry for no reason, I snap at the dog, I yell at my parents, I refuse to do simple things that I wouldn't mind doing at all if I were anywhere else but here. And it's worse when my parents are angry at each other, which they usually are. I just hope whoever moves in here when we leave doesn't regret it.
And it smells like salmon upstairs, but it's actually just the paint fumes pervading every cc of the air. It's making me sick.
I had one of the most surreal dreams I've ever had last night. I wanted to write about it or paint it or something, but I'm losing it by now.
Today I decided: I need a fucking haircut or I'm fucking cutting it myself. I'm getting a little bit sick of this girl phase.
I don't know what my parents' problem is. They're always down on me for something. I've been home three days and already they're yelling at me. They're stressed about all the stuff to get the house ready, I get that, but do they have to take it out on me? I haven't spent all my time on the computer, I got up at 8:30 yesterday and Wednesday even on five and seven hours of sleep, I have juice with breakfast without having to be reminded, I eat breakfast before getting on the computer, I play with the dogs, I've made plans to spend time with people. And they're still acting like I'm not doing all those things. And they don't see me at school so they don't realize that this house turns me into a totally different person.
And it's been cloudy all day so it's dark like it's later than it is.
What the fuck is wrong with me? I'm crying, and I know there's no good reason for it and I can't stop. Jesus Christ.
Part of my problem is that I miss them...but I don't really think that's allowed anymore. I mean...in one sense I really am okay with this, but in another sense it's a little like, what else could I really be? And I think that's part of why it's hard to let go.
Well...whatever. I don't know how I'm going to simultaneously get back into the Gaia guilds I've neglected and spend less time on the computer, but I'm going to try. I've got books to read, poems and songs to write, and art to create (but no scanner...damn it).
Anyway. Love to all. Sorry for all the bitchy over-contemplativeness.
your tears, faced with your triumph,
I offer silence.
I think I need to get over myself and just stop being weird.
X-men was fun. There wasn't cuddling, but there was tea. It was: Dan, me, Stephen, Kristin, Skylar, Miles, Mike, another Dan and his friend, and two other guys who came with Miles and Mike. So we saved eleven seats in the fourth row. There was a guy a couple of rows down who could've been Miles' heavier twin. It was freaky. I swear Dan knew everyone in that theater and the other one that was playing it. Then after the movie Dan, me, Stephen, Kristin, and Skylar went back to chill in Stephen's basement for a bit at like two in the morning.
It was a good time. Dan cut his hair, so now it's really short instead of really huge. Stephen's is long these days, it was always short freshman year; he looks a little like Derrick except his hair is browner. I always forget how attractive Steve really is until I see him again. Like whoa. I definitely had a crush on him freshman year. But then again, I also had crushes on Dan, CJ, Garance, Carly, Miles, Laura, and Casey. And I only just figured out that I'm polyamorous? :P
I think I figured out why I was looking up polyamory. I'd been reading Queen of Wands, and one of the characters is polyamorous. So I think I looked it up. I think there's something a little off in my chronology though.
In other news, I fucking hate this house. I just spent basically the last two hours horribly angry for no good reason. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with this house, but something is very wrong. John feels it too. I get angry for no reason, I stay angry for no reason, I snap at the dog, I yell at my parents, I refuse to do simple things that I wouldn't mind doing at all if I were anywhere else but here. And it's worse when my parents are angry at each other, which they usually are. I just hope whoever moves in here when we leave doesn't regret it.
And it smells like salmon upstairs, but it's actually just the paint fumes pervading every cc of the air. It's making me sick.
I had one of the most surreal dreams I've ever had last night. I wanted to write about it or paint it or something, but I'm losing it by now.
Today I decided: I need a fucking haircut or I'm fucking cutting it myself. I'm getting a little bit sick of this girl phase.
I don't know what my parents' problem is. They're always down on me for something. I've been home three days and already they're yelling at me. They're stressed about all the stuff to get the house ready, I get that, but do they have to take it out on me? I haven't spent all my time on the computer, I got up at 8:30 yesterday and Wednesday even on five and seven hours of sleep, I have juice with breakfast without having to be reminded, I eat breakfast before getting on the computer, I play with the dogs, I've made plans to spend time with people. And they're still acting like I'm not doing all those things. And they don't see me at school so they don't realize that this house turns me into a totally different person.
And it's been cloudy all day so it's dark like it's later than it is.
What the fuck is wrong with me? I'm crying, and I know there's no good reason for it and I can't stop. Jesus Christ.
Part of my problem is that I miss them...but I don't really think that's allowed anymore. I mean...in one sense I really am okay with this, but in another sense it's a little like, what else could I really be? And I think that's part of why it's hard to let go.
Well...whatever. I don't know how I'm going to simultaneously get back into the Gaia guilds I've neglected and spend less time on the computer, but I'm going to try. I've got books to read, poems and songs to write, and art to create (but no scanner...damn it).
Anyway. Love to all. Sorry for all the bitchy over-contemplativeness.
no subject
we knew it'd be hard. ::hugs:: hang in there baby. it'll all be alright in the end.
no subject
god, I miss you. Sometimes I'm okay and then it hits me that you won't be saying "hey, I'm free for an hour. come chill." Or I think "Hey, school's over, no more homework" and then realize that means that I can't come do my homework on your bed while you do CAD. The fact that I have twenty minutes doesn't mean I can stalk you at the theatre anymore.
Yeah, in the end... *hugs*