Mish-mosh

Feb. 5th, 2007 10:07 am
dumblemop: (Default)
I believe I need to scan multiple things and upload them to Deviantart in the near future. I want to finish my Stat reading first and look at the questions for next week before having to split for lunch, Involvement Fest, and choir.

I could've sworn I'd scanned my Sekhmet but I guess I hadn't. A couple people on the HoN boards said they liked it. *waves to new friends* *pets drawing* I think I will probably crop it and put the full page in Scraps and the important bit as a deviation.

I've also got some other things in my art binder that I'd forgotten about, so I will scan and post those.

I mostly goofed off yesterday, but I got to talk to the HoNers some more, finally opened up Photoshop and did some work, read for Stat, and pretty much finished the FA website.

Only problem is I'm having some trouble getting the new version to display. I FTP'd the files into a separate folder on our student orgs webspace that you wouldn't be able to get to without knowing the extension so the board could look at it before posting it for real, but the pages are just blank. It knows there's something there, because it doesn't say it can't find the file, but nothing shows up. So I don't know if it's a problem with my files or with the FTP client or what. I guess I can try to just code a normal test file in TextEdit and upload that to get some clues.

I used iWeb because I'm lazy and we needed a new website fast. Any tips would be appreciated.

The statistics book is really not that interesting. It's a class designed for scientific majors, and the introduction was like "research shows that students are more interested when working with real data rather than patently fabricated scenarios." So all the examples are things like lifetimes of lighbulbs and how many years people have owned their cars and so on. Sorry, that's not really that interesting. I've caught up on the reading though, and I'm almost done pre-reading the section we're covering on Tuesday.

That leaves reading for Philosophy, looking over the lesson in JSL some more, I should write a composition, looking for the JWL book, and reading for comp sci so I'm not totally lost on Tuesday.

I'm so happy to have proper art software again. iPhoto is fine for adjusting contrast when I take crap photos, and Preview is fine for viewing any image as well as taking screenshots, but their editing capability is just not there. *pets Photoshop* Yesterday I started work again on Crimson's commission, and when I finished touching up the lineart I realized that he never told me or I don't remember and can't read the chat logs, what colors he wanted it to be.

So I've moved onto Audi's commission and I've picked up another one for Lyrim because he will pay me. xD In Gaia gold, but still. Eventually I will probably have a list of Gaian prices and Real Money (tm) prices. I also really want to try my hand at those fursona plushies I meant to make last year but could never get to a fabric store. If Kee, Shino, and NG turn out well, (although I don't know what I'd do with the Shino one at this point), I could potentially make some money off of making them for other AFGers. Ruby also wanted me to make her an Urahara plushie and lifesize hat for her. I sent her a note on MSN asking if she still wanted it. I don't have a sewing machine so I don't know if I would be able to make the hat sturdy enough, since I was thinking I would make it out of canvas and paint it. We'll see. Guess it could be a good ice-breaking experience for Abby to teach me how to borrow her machine? xD

I've pretty much accepted this Kemetic thing by this point, but now the question becomes go along by myself as best as I can manage, or take the beginner's class at Kemet.org? I don't know. I guess I can wait four months instead of four days to get up enough courage and information to ask my parents.

My room is a mess. My parents sent me four boxes of stuff I didn't have room to bring back with me, and now I don't have room for it here. It should've been an indication to me when I wasn't going to be able to fit it in my bags. Also my mom sent more stuff than I'd asked for; some of which was nice like chocolate, some of which just clothes I'd left behind for a reason. Like my bathrobe: I have my yukata here for when I have to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night and can't be naked, and when I take a shower I just use a towel and it's much more convenient. I left the bathrobe at home so I don't have to take it back and forth with me on breaks. Also a purple sweater that I've worn twice and felt intensely uneasy in both times, and I'm pretty sure I explicitly gave it to my mother because I didn't really want it. It's a nice sweater, it's just so not me.

I don't know. Whatever. I need to get a bookshelf and more hangers. Then I can put a lot of my crap on the bookshelf, including the crap that's ontop of my dresser at the moment, and hang up my extraneous shirts that are also currently on the dresser because they won't fit in the dresser. Some of them I will probably take to Trin's place so I don't have to bring clothes back and forth as much.

My hair is actually behaving itself lately, which is amazing. It also might have something to do with the fact that now I'm washing it every two or three days and rinsing it in between, as opposed to a shedule more on the order of weeks. >_>;

I don't know why I always take such long breaks from writing in here. I used to write in it all the time. Well, especially when I was dating Liz and Kaitlyn, I guess. With those/that relationship(s) though, I just kinda put it all out there when I wrote in here, which I'm less inclined to do with Trin. I'm not really sure what the difference is, though. I'd say that Trin and I talk about a lot with each other, but Liz and I talked a lot too. I don't know.

I'd also like to get over Lindsay now, plzthnxbai. I pulled one of Trin's shirts out of the laundry bag to put in the washer, and the shirt happened to be made of the same material that all of Lindsay's peasant shirts were, and I nearly went into full blown panic--just from feeling the shirt. I also "feel bad" for things like having to do homework when Trin's around. With Lindsay I wouldn't have done it because she would've yelled at me or hurt me or done any manner of other horrible things. But it doesn't have anything to do with thinking Trin will react like that. I would just rather do homework when she's not there; but that doesn't mean I actually do which is the problem. I don't know.

I'm hungry. I'll get lunch soon. I have to man the table at noon so I'll head over a bit early and get food to eat there. I'll look for the JWL book too. After choir I'll take the bus to Trin's school. I won't make the 2:00 so I'll have to take the 3:45. Oh well, I'll get some work done I guess. I need to remember to bring blank paper with me places now--or I guess I can really start using my sketchbook finally. This'll be fun. :)

I'm not sure what else I really have to say at the moment so I guess. >_>;
dumblemop: (cheese)
My brother picked up some new music without me realizing it. Which makes sense, given that my iPod is the family room desktop pre-camp, and his music is now all on his laptop. But I managed to transfer some of it to my computer before we left, and there's a whole CD from something called Azure Ray--and it's really good. So check them out.

I also got a bunch of new music. Because I had $16-some left from last year, so I got:
-a Carmina Burana CD because that was one of the coolest singing experiences I've ever had;
-"Rhapsody in Blue" because I love it but for some reason don't have it;
-"Breath (2AM)" by Anna Nalick because I heard it a couple of times over the summer and thus associate it with camp and Jade and I had a moment singing it in the van that last weekend sometime;
-"Breath" by Melissa Etheridge because the previous song made me think of it and I'd heard it on Liz's computer sometime last year and I really like the song;
-"Los Angeles" by SUGARCULT because it was the free download this week and they always make me think of Elli;
-"Sonido Total" by The Pinker Tones because I saw it on LOGO;
-"Lolita" by Elefant because I saw it on LOGO.

Then I loaded the iTunes card that I got from my Secret Buddy AKA Trin and so far I have obtained:
-the video of "Is It Any Wonder?" by Keane because I saw it on LOGO and liked the video too enough to not just get the song;
-the video of "Unwritten" by Natasha Bedingfield because I saw it on LOGO and like the song much better with the video--it also reminds me of camp;
-"Neighborhood #1 (Tunnels)" by Arcade Fire because I saw it on LOGO;
-"Rooftops (A Liberation Broadcast)" by Lostprophets because I saw it on LOGO;
-"Cash Machine" by Hard-FI because I saw it on LOGO.

Good stuff. I'm making my way through Tess--although, technically, not, because I'm updating Livejournal instead, silly me.

I took The Purity Test again because Trin was taking it and then Jade was confused so I linked her and she was taking it, and I got a 72.60 this time. Last time I got a 74.45. So, *cough*, apparently, between Before Camp and After Camp I went down 1.85 points, which translates to 37 new 'yes'es. And I believe the time I took it before that was definitely pre-Pride and judging by the score (which I apparently remember as a 79.something) also pre-Liz&Kaitlyn--wow, that's a hundred new 'yes'es between Lindsay and Pride. Can that be right?

Wanna see something fun? Go here and search for "Migel"--the one without a period after it and the 2002 date is the first time I took it. xD So I guess I had a 92.30 the first time.

I'm also amused by the fact that I was able to check off all but about 7 boxes on the female section.

There was something else I was going to say that I vaguely suspect was related to the Test or at least the Test made me think of it but now I'm not sure what it was.

I got an Ultimate magazine in the mail today. I have no idea why.

I need to go to the bookstore. Really, I don't need to, I just want to poke around. Maybe I should do some work instead. Yeah, I think that's the right answer.

The new Facebook is...disturbing. But already I'm getting used to knowing what new groups my friends have joined and who's now friends with whom without having to put any work into it. It's nice coding, but just no.

I added a million pictures from high school to iPhoto. Guess who most of them are of. But it's getting easier--I think I'm really getting over some things. And I found my Baba O'Reilly dating video! Totally worth it. I'm so psyched I still have that.

Anyway, signing off for the night. Later kids.
dumblemop: (corset)
So in the midst of telling a completely different story yesterday, I realized something:

I saw The Matrix for the first time on the bus to Girl Scout camp.

Some things really make you think.

So, since I've apparently not updated since last week, I'll give some news. I'm back at school. Trin came and picked me up. Met my parents. That was interesting. My brother definitely likes her--I knew he would. I'm pretty sure my parents like her too. It was a nice weekend. So was the drive back. I, uh, slept some of the way. *cough*

First day of classes were on Wednesday. They seem pretty good so far, and I'm still on top of my work as yet. I even told Trin that I needed to see her later so I could finish up some homework--BIG step for me.

Lots of Freedom stuff going on. Lots of fun, but busy busy.

Johanna and Chole had a gathering today but I didn't get to go to it. Boo. :(

I somehow volunteered to help with the Booya website. I don't know what I was thinking, but it shouldn't be too hard, and I'm already doing GV's, and it'll mean I get to go to tournaments even though I suck. But I'm going to work hard on a lot this semester, because I KNOW it feels better to just DO the things I need to do--but I never do it. We'll see.

My computer tells knock knock jokes.

I uploaded most of my music from sophomore year of high school. One of the CDs couldn't be read, though, and iTunes keeps crashing trying to upload my REM CD, which upsets me. Oh well. I have 6.2 gigs of music now. If I can't think of any other music to upload, I'll need to set up my new iPod and transfer it all soon here.

Trin and I had our first date on Wednesday. :) We went out to dinner at Thirsty Dog and then to the Odd Girl Out show at the 8x10. It was really cool. I saw Tiff and Kim there! It was really funny because I was trying to read Tiff's shirt without realizing it was her, and then I was like "wait a minute...." They're so cute. :) Trin and her friends were like WTF because I was dead silent and stand-offish and then suddenly I'm jumping up and down about them being there. And I'm still kind of nervous about what her friends think of me--but oh well.

Friday we saw Little Miss Sunshine. We went to the mall and we were like "uh...we don't know any of these movies" except the ones that we were NOT going to ever see like Snakes on a Plane and How to Eat Fried Worms. So I said that Evelyn had recommended Little Miss Sunshine so we saw it--and it was awesome. Funny, tragic, just really good all-around. So go see it.

Saturday we went to see her brother's family including her brand-new nephew & godson. Her brother had lots of Japanese stuff all around. The baby was cute. This kid thing has really been growing on me lately--it's really bizarre. I'm so not used to not being afraid of kids.

Then we went to dinner with Trin's friends Elle and Sarah. It was good. I had a quesadilla. At one point a bunch of people came into the restaurant and Elle and Trin were staring at them going "...Sophomores. Maybe one junior. Fine arts majors of some kind." And Elle looks at me and is like "No offense--how old are you again?" Then we watched three episodes of Firefly. It was good.

My audition for the Mama's Boys is Tuesday. And they lost half their members to graduation so I have a much better shot of getting in this time. Plus I have the enthusiastic personality as well, and a better-prepared song, and I won't be sick.

Mabon's coming up. Hm.

I tore some interesting things out of magazines Thursday night. I'm not really sure what I'll do with them.

I've been reading The Sandman. Read most of Doll's House over dinner. Creepiest fucking thing I have ever read. Gyeesh.

The date's set for the HKP trip. I'm excited.

Also I'm regretting I forgot all my skirts at home.

That's really all I have to say, I guess. Life is good.
dumblemop: (peace)
I finally have something to put in the middle of my Phish monologue. I knew if I waited long enough something would come along.

Besides that...hm. It kind of feels like there is absolutely nothing going on here after coming through the summer at camp. Which is weird. I'm used to being busy.

I'm wearing my contacts today. We picked up some dailies from the optometrist yesterday. I'm supposed to compare them to the two-week ones. I don't know. I think I look funny without my glasses on--I haven't worn contacts in ages. But it means I get to wear my Emerald City shades, so. But the right one is giving me trouble right now, so I don't know what's up with that.

There are things I should do. Like vacuuming and packing for WI--for which, by the way, we are departing tomorrow, apparently. But I like sweeping ever so much better, and one of my mother's stipulations for my clothing is a nice outfit that doesn't include jeans. Whatever. Maybe I'll take the shirt from the summer.

I'm restless. Which means I should go do something and work it out. Really I just miss people. Like, I miss having people around. Like I like my quiet time, but I like there always being someone to talk to, or hang out with, or problems that I can fix, people I can make feel better, things I can take care of. Which is the horrible double standard I have about home. So in an effort to be a better person than I am, I'm just going to go take care of the crap I have to take care of. At least I only have to vacuum the downstairs.

Peace.
dumblemop: (infinitum)
Fuck camp drama.

That's all I have to say about that.

I got to kayak this week! It was awesome.

I don't know. There's stuff going on but I don't really feel like writing about it. Just living it is enough. Ask me sometime if you want to know stories because guess what--I actually talk now. :P Sometimes.
dumblemop: (yogurt)
Thanks a lot, Liz. While I was in denial I wasn't thinking about it all the damn time. :P

I got the best present ever from my secret buddy last night. It's this really adorable dragon puppet. Betty named it Frog. :D I keep sneaking it out of my bag and playing with it. :DDDD

This week is holiday week, so yesterday was the whole camp's un-birthday and today is Christmahanukwanzakah, basically. So Santa came to breakfast. Trin was like "Go get Jade, I want a picture of my kids with Santa." Because apparently, on top of Jade and I being twins, Trinity is our mom. She has a pin now that says "Toad and Jade are my BABIES!" that Jade made. I'm working on one for her that'll have all the Matrix code behind her name but actually correct, because she has a similar one only it has the wrong alphabet.

Yeah, yeah, shush.

Anyway. I will probably be in Baltimore again this weekend because it's third Friday and thus terribly significant what with the high percentage of the staff and I have been invited by Trinity. Lol, so my dorky "I've seen you before. I saw you last week--you were Rainbow Brite *sheepish grin*" has apparently convinced that group that I'm a trustworthy off-camp companion.

I don't know. There are a lot of undercurrents that I miss.

Also, I hate it that everyone here assumes that I don't like boys. I was watching Patch Adams a little earlier and I squealed when I saw Alan Tudyk because I didn't know he was in it and Jade said something like "Walking back into the closet, Toad?" Like okay, I like girls, I like girls a lot--but that doesn't preclude the possibility of me liking boys. Jesus people.

The Brownies are having a "fairy jamboree," according to Trouble, and they're all so adorable.

So this week is holiday week, and Thursday is fall holidays--including Halloween. Jade wants to be Morticia Adams and have me be Gomez. She has a shirt for me. And it's not like I have any other options because I didn't know it was holiday week, but...I don't know. It just bothers me a bit. Too bad Foliage doesn't have anymore black hairdye or I probably could be convinced to dye it. Although then I would be stuck looking terribly emo for the rest of the summer.

I always wanted black hair when I was a kid. Or red hair--I really wanted red hair.

I'm going to let Margarita on now and go back to the movie.

I really do not want to be sucked into being Jade's nursemaid but I feel like a complete bastard if I do anything else. I guess I'm not as strong as I thought I was. I asked her not to tickle me with campers around (she runs up behind me and grabs my stomach--it's not even really tickling because it's too quick and too hard and it actually kind of hurts) because I don't want to provide an example to them that attacking people is okay. And I almost, almost took it back because of her reaction. Almost. She trained me well.

Anyway. Love to all as always. :)
dumblemop: (raw2)
One of these days (like, before Saturday) I'll finish my Phish thing and post it as a voicepost because I haven't used any yet and I should. I may voicepost that one poem from way back when too, because Liz read it for me and I never read it for her. This is a reminder to me.

Also, according to the staff packet that I got from Conowingo, which I hadn't looked at, there is internet access in the staff building. So I will not be completely isolated, but I'll still mail everyone who gives me their address because letters are good things. You can also use "electronic items" on the weekend so I guess I will have access to my cellphone as well.

Something I have just noticed, however, is that there are "long weekends" off during the summer--but there's no actual schedule of when these weekends are besides mentioning one from June 30-July 5. So my question now is "What on earth do I do over that weekend?" Because the rest of my family will be in Wisconsin but I don't know precisely when. So I guess I'm going to have to work that out.

Tomorrow I should do laundry and work on my room instead of spending a lot of time on the computer. Remind me so I don't become a permanent slob.
dumblemop: (kaylee)
Memes and stuff )

Various musings and ruminations )

The rest of the Baltimore trip )

I started this entry at 8:08PM, and it's now 2:40AM. My mom and my godmother are in and asleep, and my dad is asleep on the couch. So I should probably go to bed.

I do have to say one thing: That this better not be the last time we all spend together. Matt sent out a link to the Freedom officers' page because he wants something similar from this board, and there's everyone being special and beautiful and I really miss you guys. I love you all. I have all these wonderful memories now and I need to renew them periodically. Okay??? Love, Rob.

There are some things I feel like discussing or at least musing about but I'm not entirely sure that it's necessary or advisable to do it in the pretty much public forum that is my LJ. Because they're things that I should think about and work out, and although I like to be open-book at least as far as writing goes, but...I'm not sure that really applies.

I'm always struck when people observe things about me because I'm so used to being the observer. It's...interesting I guess.

Chole made my night with this )

That's it, I either need an IM service that will save conversations automatically or I'm just starting saving everyone's myself because you all are so awesome and I am so lucky to know you. I don't count this year a waste because I've made these connections and I had a hell of a grand time. I regret the difficulties losing my scholarship will probably create for my family, but we'll deal with it; I really believe that I did what I needed to do.

My mom didn't hate my hair after all. She said it was cute. I'm not sure it really qualifies as cute, more...odd. My hair before I cut it was probably cute--Tiara said so--but I was getting a little sick of it long and I hadn't made a decision to grow it out because...that would just be weird, I think. I have trouble differentiating between what works great on other people and what works for me. Like I love long hair on other people (witness Kaitlyn, Kate, Amy, Cute LAN Girl/Allison--and there was a really cute chick across and one up from me on the train for awhile with long hair that was sort of the color of mine but with lighter highlights and it was really fine) but long hair on me doesn't work that great and it's a pain to deal with, etc. And there's a lot more like that.

Not that I don't like short or medium hair, because obviously I do (witness Liz, Chole, Johanna, Anna, Monique, Tiara, every androgynous chick ever). I think I'm people-sexual. Like I really am pan-omni-whatever because I don't really have a type and I have the capacity to be attracted to all kinds of people, but if I'm attracted to a person as opposed to just a fleeting image, aspects that I might not jump at in a stranger are intensely attractive. I feel like that's unusual in some way--like most people have something(s) about their various persons of affection that they're not really into, and I haven't really noticed that.

There's probably more that I have to say but I'll have to say it another time. I'm not sure how much I'll be on the next couple days because of packing for camp (and college because my parents thing two weeks between camp and class isn't enough), [livejournal.com profile] donewithmorals' graduation, my godmother being here, etc., but I'll try to slip in a few entries even if I'm not available for long conversations on AIM. Don't forget to leave your address here if you want letters from me at camp.

I know this entry is hella long so don't worry about reading or responding to it. It's just here so I have a record of events and in case anyone is interested after all. Next time I see people, someone remind me not to be so...strained.

My dad is hella snoring on the couch so I'm going to wake him up so he can actually go to sleep. Love to all. (Seriously.)
dumblemop: (corset)
Stolen from [livejournal.com profile] etherealagent.
Directions: Put your music player on shuffle. Press forward for each question. Use the song title as the answer to the question. No cheating!

yay? )

My Ecological Footprint is 17 acres. If everyone lived like me, we would need 3.9 planets. I only needed like 0.2 acres for mobility because I don't use the bus, I don't have a motorcycle, and I don't drive so if I get in a car I'm not alone. I suffered on food and goods because I'm a bloaty pizza hog and on shelter because this house is ginormous.

So I have a question...Why are all the Suicide Girls white? They're not all white, but in 196 pictures, basically 190 of them are white. That bothers me.

So I meant to post this yesterday but the internet inexplicably died at about 1:15AM so I fiddled with it and then just went to bed. I have to go do work off the computer now because my mother doesn't trust me.
dumblemop: (crayons)
I had my interview for Camp Colman today.

Tonight and tomorrow night I have my CPR and First Aid classes.

Wednesday I head to Baltimore.

I'm feeling pretty good.

I'll do Piper's song thing when I get back from my shower which I'm going to go take now.

._.

Jun. 9th, 2006 06:01 am
dumblemop: (poxed)
God, I just figured out that that little chime means it's on the hour. My mom's phone's been making weird noises alll night.

It's 6AM and I haven't been to bed yet. I need to stop doing that.

I also get to a point with people sometimes where I don't have anything to say. Liz and Kaitlyn write entries over on OD and I read all of them and I have thoughts about all of them but I can't make my words go from me to the note box, and if I do manage it they're just lame.

The good news? I'm finally all caught up on LJ friends. Finally. Now I can stop with the Sisyphus act and get some work done.

Link of the day: LEGO Escher.

You know, part of the fun of reading my friends page is showing nifty icons to Piper. It's just not the same when she's asleep.

I'm not really sure what to do with myself now that I have all of these new icons and new features like voiceposts and stuff.

It's light outside. Liz seems to have just woken up for her huge longass day, and I'm still not going to bed.

I feel like I had a point to making this entry besides delaying bed some more, but it's slipped my mind in this haze of exhaustion.

God. I need sleep. I need to stop this. I can't have my mom OK the Baltimore trip just to lose it because I decided to stay up all night for no reason.

I think I might be having mini gender crises spills lately because I just don't get enough sleep. Maybe that would be an indication that I should GO TO BED.

Good morning and good night, as I take my p0x3d behind off to bed.
dumblemop: (lamp)
So my plan was to have the entry about the teaching thing, and then write an entry about what I've been doing the last couple of days, and then I think there was supposed to be another entry but I can't remember what it was supposed to be for.

So I'm just going to write for awhile because I'm a little bit distracted because I'm here and everyone else is there. So the little tidbits I am getting are getting into my head and not getting out, making me smile and laugh in complete and utter astonishment, and I want to know more. And at the same time, I don't know if I get to know more or if it's even appropriate for me to ask. Sooo I'm just going to stew just a little bit longer and try not to let my imagination get away from me. And, you know, I miss you.

I should probably go to bed soon.

Belatedly cut for length... )
I'm not really sure where I'd intended to go with that originally, but these things never end up where I think they will. However, now I simply must go to bed because it's 3AM.

Meh.

May. 26th, 2006 07:19 pm
dumblemop: (Default)
I feel better now.

I still wish our scanner was working. Or that our piano was in tune.

I opened a window. (Yeah, that's kind of a metaphor and kind of not.)

Things to do:
1. Finish Crimson's commission. I don't know how I'll do that with the ink PSD file being on my computer, and the scanner being broken so I can't rescan the pencils.
2. Start on the rest of my commissions because I'm horribly, horribly late on them.
3. Get a haircut.
4. Find a belt.
5. Get things I need out of the boxes from school (like my iPod charger, some of my notebooks and books, other things I can't remember right now).
6. Hang out with my brother.
7. Go over laptop scenarios with my parents.
8. Finish The Well of Loneliness
9. Figure out whether it's possible for me to go to AnthroCon and whether I even want to.
10. Anything else I've forgotten.

Going to dinner with my parents...fun fun.
dumblemop: (grip)
I'm...I feel like I had something to say but it's gone out of my head.

I'm at my parents' friends' house. David and Marilyn are awesome, and it's good to see my dad, since I haven't seen him in two months, but...I'd rather be cuddling.

Because my dad and them have all this history together, and they're hilarious together, but I don't really fit into it because they're all so into each other that there's not really room for me. So I usually just kind of run away and play with David's computer or check my email on Marilyn's computer. They're bonding in the kitchen. Marilyn makes killller bacon though. She also has a pen whose end is in the shape of a body outline. What is that called? I can't think of the word. Marilyn is a forensic anthropologist and David is like a genius molecular biologist or something.

I had avocado with dinner....mmmm....

I should probably save my apple juice and honey for the drive home.

And yeah, okay. Several crushes. I'm me, hey. I like people. Shhh.

I'll make sure and find some girls to corrupt. I wouldn't be living up to the position if there weren't any girls. And I like girls. So. Shutting up now.

Can't get you out of my head. Trying not to be too obvious around my dad. And yeah.

Aaaand yeah. I think that's enough of that.
dumblemop: (piggyback)
I should probably be studying, but I'm not. My exam isn't until six, I'll live.

Physics went alright. I had a bad moment when I did something in three lines when the part had space for calculations of at least a third of the page and it was the most points of any section (12 points). But I figured, if the way I did it wasn't the way to do it, I didn't know the way to do it anyway, and staring at the page for another half an hour wasn't going to help me figure it out. So I turned it in.

Can't believe I actually woke up for it though. And I can't believe Pipe woke up with me for NO FUCKING REASON.

I had another bad moment, but it didn't have anything to do with the test. I didn't turn my phone off during the test but left it on vibrate like it always is. I never expect anyone to call me but I like to have it on anyway, now that I'm actually consistently charging it and carrying it around. And about 15 minutes into the test, my phone rang. I hoped it wasn't that obvious and went on with the exam. And my phone rang again.

There is only one person who calls me multiple times in immediate succession if I don't pick up instantly.

I became absolutely, horribly convinced that it was her. I was terrified. I had to put my head down on my desk and breathe. Then I said fuck it and went on with my exam.

I checked my messages when I got out. Turned out it was my dad. He said that Mom had said I'd called her and she was in a place where the signal was bad so I should call him instead. WTF? I called him back and told him that I hadn't called her, because I'd been in an exam. He said that she'd been waiting for John to get out of class (he has a class at the high school first period and then she drives him back to the A-school for the rest of his classes) and had gotten calls from him and me and been concerned. So who knows.

So it was weird, but fine. But it made me wonder what I would do if she came back. I wouldn't go crawling back to her...but I never could stand up to her then, could I stand up to her now? I'd like to think I'm stronger than that now, but I'd like to think a lot of things.

There are some things I should probably say, but I need to get out of the habit of spilling my guts here and just say things as they come to me. The problem is that if I don't say them right away, or I think of them later, I never remember them unless I write them down. And if I run through them in my head in order to remember them, they come out just as rehearsed as if I'd written them out in the first place.

Being in this scholarship is difficult sometimes. I've done so many school and special program applications over the years that I get into the habit of saying the things that are expected of me. I was writing my final project assessment last night and I kept seeing "As a woman in computer science" unfold on the screen and I kept taking it back. The thing is, both the words and the taking them back are equally studied, they feel equally foreign. Because I rarely feel like a woman, but what would I replace those words with? "As a female-bodied person in computer science"? Far too self-aware and seemingly PC for a simple one-page, 5-point assigment, it's stilted and studied and stiff. My experience has been shaped by being female, but it feels just as off to say that as to avoid saying it.

English is so goddamn dependent on gender that if you try to rearrange your language to avoid it you end up tripping over yourself, which is why the simplicity of The Mercy Room amazes me and I can never get enough of it. Even as I'm taking it apart to argue for one side or the other, I can still see that simplicity as I'm complicating it, the simplicity remains untouched. Life is only as complicated as you make it.

I think I don't understand the Gender Variance / Freedom Alliance dynamic because hardly anyone in GV seems to feel safe in FA, but I feel safe in FA and much less so in GV. I don't know why that is. I mean, several people in FA are also in GV, I like most to all of the people in each group, where's the difference? It's like FA is my place, and GV is somewhere that I hang out but I don't really belong there.

And that's this feeling that I have. It's like knowing how to spell, knowing how to put together sentences--I have this "rightness" thing with language. I also have it a few other places, the certainty that something is right, that everything is where it belongs. That's how I feel with you. But I have this doubt that this feeling is wrong, because of everything that's happened. And I don't know how to reconcile that.

86

May. 6th, 2006 12:03 am
dumblemop: (faces)
Well, the decision about 24-hour Plays is out of my hands...or not?

Holy fuck. I was about to say that I wouldn't be able to do 24-hour Plays because I had a math exam from 6-8 on the 20th, when 24s goes from the 19th at 8 to the 20th at 10...but I just checked the final exam schedule again and my math final is from 6-8 on the 19th. So I could do it.

Also. Something Johanna commented made me think: would I be so worked up about it if I were doing it because Ulrich or Tiff or Sara had brought my attention to it or were also doing it? Of course not. So why am I worked up about it because Liz brought my attention to it and is really excited about it? Because I'm in a relationship, and I have this terrible fear of invading her space, being too clingy, of only being in the way when she needs to get things done, when she needs to shine. I don't want to create eddies where there should be smooth sailing. If Liz had not been graduating and had decided to be on the Freedom board again, I wouldn't have run; shouldn't I also give her that space in her chosen field?

Well. Vanessa needs actors and techies. I have no tech experience and I just decided I'm not an actor. I'm going to email her anyway and say "Hey, I want to do this."

Just realized I should probably cut this here 'cause it's hella longer than I realized.

gender stuff )

And damn it. I came up with a beautiful phrase in Liz's room last night and I wanted to remember it and I've just remembered that I forgot.

relationship stuff )

Je veux me perdre dans vous parceque je ne veux pas ĂȘtre seul.

I told you I was crazy. I know I'm being crazy. That and I just haven't had enough sleep this week. Why do I write huge entries when I'm in these weird moods and only post quizzes when I'm doing well?

It's 2:15. The text that was originally in this space was "it's 12:30 and I promised myself I would go to bed now fifteen minutes ago." Then I went back and wrote some more, and I've been talking to Ayush for awhile.. Good conversation. I'm glad I have such good friends, I really am. Can't wait to add cuddling to talking in the fall. :) I'm in better headspace to sleep now anyway, the talking and writing evened me out. I think it's time I wrote another poem, but the phrase that would have seeded it is floating around in Liz's room somewhere. I'll have to move on to the next one if I want to write one.

show stuff )

Anyway. That's enough insomniacking for tonight. Love to all.

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