Aug. 16th, 2007 01:49 pm
dumblemop: (distress)
One of my huge pet peeves is people who post anything on the internet under their significant other's account/screen name.

I can understand if it's a joint computer and someone forgot to sign out, or you're borrowing your SO's machine and forgot to switch--but for the love of codependency, if you have to make more than one statement on any particular registration-required medium for any reason, get your own damn account.

Group creative endeavors squeak by, as do multiple systems--but if you occupy a separate body, you are physically and mentally capable of posting to the internet yourself, and there is no good reason for co-opting another's account (laziness does not qualify): please, please, please, claim a distinct internet identity.

As a side-note, while I can understand the convenience of one account per physical pair of hands, it would also be great for system journals who do not have separate accounts for each member to at least identify each post by who's fronting to write it. If you're not sure, or your system doesn't work like that, or all/most posts are collective efforts, fine; but if you are separate people and writing as such, it's a whole lot easier not to have to piece who's writing what together by writing style or attitude. You have a name for a reason; use it.

dumblemop: (angry)
Good question.

Why am I here? Where's my motivation? What happened to going to class because I like physics, I like math, I like computers, I like to learn?

It's like how I say I stopped acting because of her. If I hadn't had that relationship, if that relationship hadn't been fucked-up, would I have acted anyway? Sure, I did plays and musicals in middle school. Did I do any freshman year? No. Do I tell myself that's because I would never have been able to get to rehearsals with both my parents working? Yes. Is that the real reason? I don't know.

I would have teched. I don't know if I would've acted. I wouldn't have done debate. I would've done stage combat and frisbee, but probably not yoga or self-defense, and definitely not tennis or aerobics. I stayed in chorus but I wasn't brave enough to tell her the real reason, and half the reason I joined chorus in the first place was that Kristi wasn't talking to me. I would have stayed in ASC and GSAC, hell, I would have run ASC and GSAC. I would've gone back to camp. And I would have stayed friends with all those people I stopped talking to.

It's true that being in that relationship fucked me over big time, but how different would my life have been if it hadn't happened? Would I have flunked out of Choate? Because after all, I had a D in English fall term of sophomore year and that was before anything started. I did stay up all the night before my physics exam (which I got a 62! on) talking about llamas, but that didn't have anything to do with me not doing well in English. It did have something to do with me failing History winter term; I deliberately did not meet with my group in order to talk to her on IM--but that was a decision I made. She didn't make me not go, I didn't even tell her that I had somewhere to be. I chose to write that stupid email to Kristi, because of Lindsay. I can't blame other people for my own misguided and fucking stupid decisions, but I can't blame myself for other people's decisions either. Kristi didn't leave because of me, she left because of her. Lindsay wasn't a control freak and everything else because of me, that was all her.

Then there's the problem that I don't know how to be in a normal relationship. Do I want to be on the Freedom board because Liz was on the board or because I actually want to do it? I hadn't thought of it until Zach mentioned it--but it was Zach that mentioned it. Did I want to be on the Lit board because Lindsay was on it or because I wanted to do it? I'd wanted to do it since I'd gotten there, I was on Lodestar, but did I ever actually find out how to get on it until Lindsay wanted to do it? Do I want to do 24-hour play because Liz is so excited about it or because it's something that I would actually enjoy--and would I be able to enjoy it with Liz or would I be too worked up about worrying that I was copying her, that she didn't want me to be there, that I was out of place or not good enough?

In the end, what can I call my own? What is my motivation? Why am I angsting in an online journal instead of doing work? I skipped class. I skipped class because I had work and laundry to do. Alison is going to kill me...and I find myself not caring.

Does it matter what I have for myself and what I have through others? Isn't the only thing that matters that I give my all to whatever I'm doing, regardless of whether it was my idea or not? But that is exactly what I am not doing.

My mom thinks I've got my family's problems. Seasonal Affective Disorder, Bi-polar Disorder, depression. It would be a handy explanation, something to point to and say, this is why I'm weird. But I don't WANT that. I have enough excuses, I don't need brain chemistry and genes on top of that. It's exactly what I hate when my mother does it, and my father encourages it. I don't want to talk to a psychiatrist, I don't want to take 13 pills morning and evening, I don't want to be dependent on medication for my life. I'm not suicidal, I don't cut on myself or down bottles, I don't want to run away to California to be a waitress. I do sleep a lot or not at all--but that's college. I have had more trouble with school in the fall than the spring the last four years--but by that reasoning I should be fine now, and I'm apparently not.

The drinking thing has been bothering me lately because I don't have a reason for it. I had and have a reason for not smoking, it wasn't just because I wasn't 18 yet. I don't believe in a legal age where you can start killing yourself slowly. But I am still hypocritcal about it, because I don't know what to do around friends who smoke. I haven't had to deal with it until this year, this semester really, because I haven't had any friends who smoke, or at least not spent time with anyone while they were smoking. Liz has a rule where Kaitlyn can't kiss her for an hour after she has a cigarette; Liz has no problem with standing away from friends who are smoking and making these rules. Kaitlyn turned to me and said "but you don't have a rule" and I didn't know what to say. But I was talking about drinking. It was difficult Saturday night. It was less difficult last night because there were more people there; I can hold my own in groups. I just don't have a reason, it just something I don't do. I like to have reasons, because if I don't have reasons, then what the fuck am I doing? I'm underage, yes, but that's not it or I would have an answer when people asked me whether I would drink when I turned 21, and I don't. I don't know. There are alcoholism problems in my family, some of my grandparents, but I'm like an alcoholic who's never had a drink. I have to keep making that decision every time someone asks me, one "no thanks" at a time. It should be easy to do nothing but I don't have that reason.

I need me a purpose. I think it would be blue.
dumblemop: (angry)

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Apr. 17th, 2006 03:29 am
dumblemop: (ewan)
Something I wrote for a Gaia Extended Discussion thread about gay marriage. Since I spent a hella long time on it and it's now 3:30 AM 'cause I am an INSOMNIAC, I thought I would post it. The thread I am replying to basically said that pride (marches, parades, buttons, etc) is an essential component of the fight for marriage equality.

Cut 'cause it's GINORMOUS )

Haha, I got a "May I take this moment to stay that you are fucking awesome?" from Sean. :heart:

Thanks to Johanna for the "your marriage has nothing to do with anyone else's marriage" argument. :)

Also, I got my program done on time and it works! Thanks to Liz. <3 God it feels good to get work done and kick people's debate asses. I should do this more often.

And now it's time for bed.


dumblemop: (Default)

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