dumblemop: (distress)
Created by [livejournal.com profile] switchercat.

dumblemop: (corset)
...as opposed to the afternoon:

I already have a list of six possible songs for the drag show next year, with notes on costumes and scenes playing in my head.
dumblemop: (Default)
I'm home again, so guess what I'm doing?

That's right, I'm watching the gay channel.

I think of it as one of my guilty pleasures because I'm not entirely how I feel about the existence of a gay channel and the things it shows, but I can't stop watching it.

I find it absurdly fitting that the song that beats out Shakira's "Hips Don't Lie" for top music video of the week is a Rufus Wainwright song from the Brokeback Mountain soundtrack. Rufus seems to be the only song in there for LGBT reasons, even though they're supposed to be the top LGBT videos of the week. I guess the others are just in there for the pretty people. Well, they are pretty.

Songs and videos I am collecting from this week's NewNowNext:
"Sonido Total," The Pinker Tones
"Put Your Records On," Corinne Bailey Rae
"Is It Any Wonder," Keane
"Lola," Elefant
"Neighborhood #1," Arcade Fire
"Superstar Domestic," Glovebox
"Single," Natasha Bedingfield
"Unwritten," Natasha Bedingfield (this one was a top ten, not an N^3, but I liked it)
"Cash Machine," Hard-Fi
"Rooftops (A Liberation Broadcast)," Lostprophets

I watched a movie about a gay Canadian kid who wanted to take his boyfriend to his Catholic school's prom. Yeah, it wasn't that deep, but it was cute. On the one hand, I feel like I should be outraged by the trivialization of the issues and the cookie-cutter portrayal of good-gay vs evil-church...but on the other hand, straight people have a million cute, shallow movies about them. Why shouldn't we get a couple--do we always have to be on fucking political display? The movie also had Scott Thompson in it, which was really funny. I tried to tell Piper but I couldn't remember his name.

Haha, now they're playing the video for Dragostea Din Tei. I'm just waiting for one of those kids to get diced in the propeller blades. It's a good song though.

Cuttin' this here 'cause it's huge... )

It's 3:34 in the morning, and the movie that's on now isn't really grabbing me. Liz went to bed an hour ago but I was finally in the writing mood, so Pipe, here's your long entry, a couple hours late. Actually I was in the mood for something else but it turned into writing instead. And now that I've poured out everything in my brain, I simply must sleep.
dumblemop: (look)
I look like people do in the movies when they have AIDS. There's still some dark stuff around my eyes because I couldn't wash it off last night, my eyes look exhausted normally anyway, and I'm sort of breaking out and I pick at my face too much so I have like four blotchy red sores on the side of my face, and I've been alternating too little sleep with too much sleep at the wrong time of day and I used up a lot of energy last night so my face is all drawn and pale. The first thing I thought when I looked in the mirror this morning to brush my hair for the CWIT meeting was "I look like I have movie AIDS" because I don't know how accurately the movies I've seen depict it.

It's weird to brush my hair again. I haven't actually had to brush it for at least a year. It's not like brushing it does any good but at least I've made the effort.

Hell. The consensus is apparently that I was hot, and I did have fun, even though my legs were shaking so badly I almost fell off the stage afterwards. Those damn shoes.

I feel like I should write something in OD but OD hates me lately and won't let me log in.

I had fucking bizarre dreams last night.

When we were walking back to the dorm, Jay and I were talking about the drag show and the whole genderqueer thing and he said I was cheating because my breasts are real. That was about a third of the reason I was a little reluctant to wear Lauren's shirt (the other two thirds were self-consciousness and I would have to shave my least favorite place to shave when I thought I would be able to get away with not doing it), but I thought about it and I'd like to maintain that a female-bodied genderfucked person wearing that is at least as "drag" as a gay man wearing a wig and a dress. It would honestly never occur to me to wear that in any other setting. So why is it cheating just because I can fill out a corset without resorting to newspaper?

And it's complicated being female-bodied in female clothes at a drag show. If you're in girl clothes, you're really a guy. If you're in guy clothes, you're really a girl. It's a little less clear-cut for me. The girl who was doing my makeup used male pronouns every time except once, and corrected herself that time, and I couldn't decipher the meaning of that because this whole binary thing means nothing to me. So I had no idea what all those faces were thinking, but I couldn't really see them anyway because of the spotlight, so who cares?

The only thing I wish I had done differently I thought of earlier today when I was playing it back in my head. There's a line, "guess how many fingers, okay!"--when I was practicing it I had been holding out fingers, but a couple of lines earlier at the actual performance I realized that isn't how you play that game. I'd been thinking like an inebriation test, not a guessing game. So when I got to that line, I put my hands behind my back and brought them out on "okay," which was much better. I don't remember how many fingers I held up, but what I should have done was bring out both middle fingers. Oh well.

I just realized, we had seven performers. Three kings, three queens, and me. Cute.

----

And I've been thinking. I can say "fuck the world" and do what I feel and have it be true, but at the same time, my perception of the world changes based on things people say and write. So I do really need honesty, whatever it is, because if I don't know the whole story I'll be out of synch with the world in a nasty way. I wasn't really sure what I was feeling until I read Liz's OD entry earlier, but now everything's alright. If she'd been wearing a tie I would have kissed her, but it would have been less an "you're amazing and I'm in love with you and I need to kiss you right now" kiss and more an "I'm going to kiss you now because the timing is right and I'm feeling brave and you look damn hot tonight and I want you but everyone here wants you and I love you and you're amazing but I know where the boundaries are and it's less of a problem every day even though I will probably never stop wanting you but you can't help that you have that effect on people" kiss. And yes, I can fit all that into a kiss--I just don't know if she would have understood all of it, and she wasn't wearing a tie, so I didn't. And now I know that for sure, after reading her entry, and it's alright. I just wasn't expecting the kiss after the show so I didn't have my guard up. But fuck having my guard up. I've never had my guard up around you, and that's part of the reason you affect me so deeply, but I refuse to run away or cheapen what we have and had by shielding from you, of all people, just because you still make my knees weak when you touch me. I'll just deal with it like everyone else does. I said I can take anything you dish out, and I mean it. And someday over the summer when I'm missing you I'll write a sex poem--no, a "fuck me or I'll fuck you" poem--and maybe get a little of this out of my system. Love, Rob. ;)

Hm.

May. 6th, 2006 03:02 pm
dumblemop: (Default)

Hello

I am

active, admirer, agender, ally, androgyne, androgynous, bigender, boi, both, brother, crossdresser, either, FTX, female-bodied, feminist, fluid, freak, furry, GLBTQIA, gay, gay-friendly, geek, gender bender, gender deviant, gender fluid, gender neutral, gender pirate, gender variant, genderfuck, genderqueer, genetic girl, gentleman, human, LGBTQIA, masculine, masochist, me, mister, mixed-gendered, multigender, neither, neutral, omnigender, omnisexual, out, pansexual, polyamorous, polysnuggler, queer, same gender loving, second, sir, sister, tomboy, transgenderist, undecided, undeclared, undefined, unspecified, versatile, wannabe, XX

What's yours?


So I may have some gaydar. I could've sworn one of the role models today was not a straight woman. I wasn't with anyone with legitimate gaydar though, so I'll never know.

More later. I'm starving because no one brought the volunteers lunch. I'm finishing up the comment list response thingers; I've done Schwenk, Johanna, Lis, Ayush and Nathan, and I have Annie and Liz left.

FUN FUN LINK:
Geoffrey Chaucer Hath a Blog - the significant entry is "To Kalamazoo, wyth Love" should it fall off the main page...pick-up lines!
dumblemop: (faces)
Yeah, so I'd been waiting for that call for two days and completely freaked the shit out when it actually came. I really need to learn how to handle myself on the phone.

Day of Silence today. I'm talking now because we had our Breaking the Silence at 5. It could have gone better. The wearing black was a nice touch, as were the bandannas. I didn't get one until lunchtime and copied Matt by using it as a gag.

I understand and admire the symbolism of Day of Silence, but I think it's been less than effective in all the environments I've done it. Freshman year was the first year I found out about it, my "OMG I'm a lesbian what do I dooooo" year. Flan was upset that ten people in the choir were participating, so we sang anyway. I wrote notes all day anyway. Sophomore year, I don't remember if I did it or not--I think I was already "under the thumb" by then. Obviously junior and senior year I didn't participate. This year, only Alison of the people I recruited actually did it, Matt was just a total waste of time, Lindsey did it although I don't think she's an active FA member--and Josh and Brian did it. They came by the table after Breaking to get bandannas. They get major points.

The Breaking was interesting. I'd never done one before. I think it's definitely necessary to the Day. And it was awesome that people could hear us shout in buildings and all the way down at the library from the UC.

This week has seriously, honestly, gone to hell. But whatever the mood, Liz and Kaitlyn will be here in an hour and that makes everything okay.
dumblemop: (grip)
I admit it. I'm stalking Liz's journals again. I'm getting one of my loneliness bouts. Various corners and edges are making significant dents in my palms and feet. I told you that I think of these things at the most inappropriate times. It can't get more inappropriate than this. I'm sorry.

I am a seatbelt!
Find your own pose!


No idea what that means.

DisorderYour Score
Major Depression:Very Slight
Dysthymia:Slight
Bipolar Disorder:Moderate
Cyclothymia:Very High
Seasonal Affective Disorder:Slight-Moderate
Postpartum Depression:N/A
Take the Depression Test

Lovely.

I'm such a girl. I'm sitting here with a pint of ice cream and a basket of chocolate. I don't even think I can eat the whole thing, I just wanted some ice cream and I have flex to burn. I should've gotten something non-chocolate. It's easier to eat more of strawberry or something fruity like that than chocolate for some reason. I think I would kill for one of those strawberry fruit sorbet bars on a stick.

I watched "40-year-old Virgin" with Justin, Alison, Josh, Eric, and sort of Lauren, because I knew I wasn't going to do any work anyway so I might as well spend the time staring at a screen with people instead of staring at a screen alone. It was pretty bad but I laughed anyway, just to have something to laugh at.

It's funny, I write all these angsty entries and my comments just plummet.

I spent a good hour today hunting for poly and pan LJ communities. I'm not really sure why. It's funny, reading stories from poly people's lives, it seems like everyone does it differently than we do. I don't even know where I picked up on the idea. I think it might have been the same website as where I picked up on furry culture. But I stumbled across furry because I was researching polyamory--but where did I come up with polyamory before that?

It's strange how these things just sort of creep into your life. I had no idea what I was getting into that night. I was just not shielding at all, and Liz just stepped up--and by some unexplained phenomenon, felt similarly. And had a girlfriend who wasn't averse to it. And then suddenly we were us. Am I unjustified in thinking of it that way? I don't want to end up with some undeserved sense of belonging if that's not actually the case. This is just how I feel, and I'm in a disclosure-because-I-have-nothing-else-to-do mood. There's just...there's just nothing better than coming up behind Liz in the dark and having her turn around and say "Baby!" with that look on her face, or waking up wrapped around Kaitlyn. I feel like you're both my alpha, if that makes sense. It kind of has to be that way, given that you're each other's alpha, but I think it just is that way.

I think I'm being mean to Matt. I wore my gay agenda shirt today and ran into him in the Commons at lunch and tried to get him to do Day of Silence again. He still won't do it. He wants to hang out this weekend. I really don't know if I'll be in the mood.

I need cuddling. It took a lot of willpower not to ask to watch the movie draped on Justin, because he was the one sitting with me on the couch. I don't like to make people uncomfortable for no reason, and CWIT is not a cuddly crowd. And it wouldn't have felt right. I need my Liz and my Kaitlyn. Not that I feel like I'm not allowed to cuddle with anyone else, it just...I don't need just cuddling, I need them, and they're not here, so I have this vacuum that I shouldn't just fill.

I'm pretty sure Lindsay was polyamorous at heart, she just didn't want to admit it. Judging by the number of guys that went through my head, I'd say that's a yes. She also didn't want anyone else around her to be the same way--it was all about her. She always told me I'd find a Rosie after she went off to the Undying Lands. Single-handedly almost ruined Tolkien for me now.

Whatever. I'm just saying things to have something to say, because the truth is that I should not be feeling the way I'm feeling right now. Not the time. But there it is. I'm eating to have something in my mouth, and I keep rubbing my hands on the edges of the desk.

I miss my girls.

I feel like everything is so fluid now. Change is by and large good, and growth, and all that, but I don't take the blatant disruption of what schedule I have very well. I'll ditch anything to spend time with Liz, but I have my little patterns. I guess this is just one of those things that I need to learn that I can't base my functioning around her. Did it have to be because of something like this?

Don't let me forget that tomorrow is Day of Silence, because I'll forget and wear yellow or something.

I've got to go to bed. If I'm not going to work, I cannot stay up any later than this and hope to function tomorrow because tomorrow I absolutely must work. If you see me not working, smack me. They're going to be drained and Liz is still going to have to call her show. I can't be all pansy and angst and insomnia. I'm not good at being strong. I'll get spiders, I'll clean up broken objects, I'll fix computers, I'll lift boxes...these head and heart things are not my strong point. Especially with people I care so strongly about. My brother is the exception, I guess, because I've known him for seventeen years.

I'm not used to being an adult. I always expect my parents to tell me what I can and can't do. It's weird when I actually come up with something and they think it's a great idea. I don't even know what that has to do with anything. Nothing, it has nothing to do with anything. My mind just won't turn off. It's the new moon in two days.

Alright. I need to go to bed. J'espère que vous êtes bien. Je vous aime.

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