dumblemop: (leash)
I had an interesting weekend.

Friday I was supposed to be on the Towson bus because that was how I'd gotten back to camp on Sunday--but it left without me.

Token got in a car crash--she's fine, but the van was totalled and the other party(ies) had to be helicoptered out.

One kid didn't get picked up until 9pm, so Jade and I hung out with her for awhile and watched Labyrinth. Best movie ever. Jade didn't even know who David Bowie was. It was disappointing.

Then those of us going left for Trinity/Mad River's house so they could shower and change. We didn't get to the bar until like, midnight-fifteen and stayed until two. I, of course, sat/stood around and watched, but it was still fun. I met some of Trin's friends.

There was fighting on the way back to the house. We were supposed to go to breakfast with some of Trin's friends but we didn't. So I watched some of St. Elmo's Fire with Trin and then we went upstairs to have breakfast at 4am. (Bacon...... :D) Then we all went to sleep.

Saturday I didn't wake up unti about 2pm. Then we went to Artscape. That was pretty cool. We walked around the little booths for awhile--there was one filled with books (random sci-fi books for 50 cents!) that I was eying but you know how I hate holding up the group, so I didn't stop and when we went back later it had closed up because of the rain.

We saw the Baltimore Symphony Orchestra play and it was fucking AMAZING. First they did this industrial waltz thing that was so cool. And then they played a piece that one of the musicians had written, which he played his part on some kind of synth woodwind that was awesome. Then there was an Ireland/Appalacia/Texas fiddle tune medley, and then she played a piece on an ELECTRIC VIOLIN. I saw her playing with it before the conductor introduced the next piece and I was all "*gasp* OMG is that what I think it is??" and it WAS. And then the bassoon section came back in for the last piece dressed as Hell's Angels, because that was what the piece had been inspired by. It was so fucking cool.

Then we had food at XS. I was lusting after Mad River's avocado maki but I didn't ask for one--but we shared the edamame. It was a pretty cool place. I had breakfast food. Our waitress was cute. She had a violin or a cello or something tattooed on her spine, and stars tattooed just inside her shoulders--like, underneath her collarbone, but out to the sides? Just inside the straps of her top.

Then we went back and watched a band play. It sounded like it was called G-lah or G-love or something--I wasn't too clear. Trin tried to get me to dance. Yeah no. But it was fun.

I've discovered something about the things I can and can't do though. I can't dance with anyone I'm not dominant to. Like I'm not dominant to Liz or Jo or Chole or anyone in that group, so I wasn't doing too well at Pride. And I'm not dominant to Mad River or Trinity or Captain Planet, so dancing on Friday or Saturday was not happenining, not to mention that Trin's friends are intimidating, Mad River makes me nervous, and I kind of have to keep my eyes off of Trin when she's dancing or I'll just stare. I could "dance" at the luau the other week and at the Pax Tu party this week because I'm dominant to the kids, and I act like a freak around Piper all the time because I'm equal or dominant to her too. Not that I've tested it, but I could probably dance with Jade because I'm dominant to her--I have to be so she doesn't suck me under. It's an interesting theory.

Then we went back to their house and we watched American Splendor. I hadn't heard of it before but the movie was horrible and hilarious, with a mix of actors, drawings, and the real people. Then Mad River and Captain Planet went back upstairs and Trin and I watched most of Tomb Raider--except I wasn't paying much attention to the movie after the first five minutes because Trin decided to give me a backrub. Then I was falling asleep so we went to bed.

In the morning we left late. And then we had to go pick up Angelfish because he said something to piss off the girl who was giving him a ride and she left him on the side of the road.

So, now I'm back at camp and the weekend's over. I'm with Red Bull and the ITs again this week, so that shouldn't be too bad. Especially since they'll be placed with units most of the time or up at the barn, so I'll get to float around to other units and fill in where I'm needed, like Thursday.

Thursday the ITs spent the whole day in CPR training so Red Bull and I helped in the office and with coverage for the other units. Thursday was interesting. Thursday was Halloween--Jade decided that we were going to be Morticia and Gomez Adams. So since I didn't have any other options I agreed. It was pretty fun. Then we had a midnight swim with the Mermaids and the hiking group. I got a shower afterwards. So I didn't really have a break, but I did.

Jade was upset. I'd basically just finished lecturing her about not taking a proper break, when I turn around and don't have a break after she has her two hours. Yeah. You know you're pretty far gone when your rationale for not taking a break is "If she goes to bed even fifteen minutes earlier it'll be worth it."

Yeah. I'm crazy. I'm sorry, I just can't help being attracted to the do-it-all free-spirit types. And Jesus does Trin ever remind me of Liz. I made Liz buttons last Sunday, "Tell me a story," "Thoughts: GO!" and "All because the ladies love the Liz," and Trin takes my discarded Thoughts: GO! (it was off-center) and pins it to her backpack. And then Friday while we were waiting around for Mad River to figure out what to wear, she comes out with "So, tell me a story." I claim not to have a type--and while I don't have specific preferences for the average girl I think is hot, I apparently have a certain kind that pushes my buttons when I'm actually interested in someone.

I had a nightmare about Lindsay Friday night. It was awful.

But yeah, minus the fighting and the the nightmare, it was a great weekend.

This is where I shake my head, wink, giggle, and don't reveal the parts I've left out. ;-)
dumblemop: (noes)
Liz is in class so I'm on a computer in the library. I was attempting to read my friends page(s) until I realized that I have at least 200 entries to get through and I only have two-and-a-half days to catch up with. So I'm going to skip all of my groups for now--I may come back to these few days, or I may never. I can't pick and choose because all of my groups are in one thing right now. I should probably make a friends group that's "groups I actually want to read when I get behind," but for now, I don't have one.

I will, however, read all the individuals' entries since Tuesday, and then I will write something real while I'm waiting for Liz.

La...

Jun. 11th, 2006 09:27 pm
dumblemop: (leash)
What I did today:

Woke up (reluctantly).
Ate breakfast (cereal).
Took Shadow to the dogpark (there was a border collie there).
Had lunch (sort of).
Worked on the Fuller application (sort of).
Recorded myself singing harmony with myself ("Today," "Song of the Soul," and "House at Pooh Corner").
Mowed the lawn (started the mower myself).
Ate dinner (french toast).
Talked to Liz (yay).

That's kinda it. But! I am going to Baltimore, which makes me happy.

And the season premiere of the 4400 is on tonight!! *so excited*

In other news, I can't stop listening to Wicked or stop hearing it in my head even when I'm not listening to it. And it's not even songs all the way through, I'll get one snippet of "Loathing" and then a snippet of "Thank Goodness" and then a snippet of "The Wizard and I."

*gasp* House! I didn't get to watch it on Friday because they were playing Along Came Polly three times in a row. But it's on now! (score)

Also, A Prairie Home Companion is a wonderful movie. Go see it.

Grey-eyed zombie-girl is back on TV.

supafurryanimals: hey butt, entertainz me
supafurryanimals: with commentz
supafurryanimals: because im a whore.

I need a shower.
dumblemop: (raw2)
Everybody's in Pennsylvania today.

._.

Jun. 9th, 2006 06:01 am
dumblemop: (poxed)
God, I just figured out that that little chime means it's on the hour. My mom's phone's been making weird noises alll night.

It's 6AM and I haven't been to bed yet. I need to stop doing that.

I also get to a point with people sometimes where I don't have anything to say. Liz and Kaitlyn write entries over on OD and I read all of them and I have thoughts about all of them but I can't make my words go from me to the note box, and if I do manage it they're just lame.

The good news? I'm finally all caught up on LJ friends. Finally. Now I can stop with the Sisyphus act and get some work done.

Link of the day: LEGO Escher.

You know, part of the fun of reading my friends page is showing nifty icons to Piper. It's just not the same when she's asleep.

I'm not really sure what to do with myself now that I have all of these new icons and new features like voiceposts and stuff.

It's light outside. Liz seems to have just woken up for her huge longass day, and I'm still not going to bed.

I feel like I had a point to making this entry besides delaying bed some more, but it's slipped my mind in this haze of exhaustion.

God. I need sleep. I need to stop this. I can't have my mom OK the Baltimore trip just to lose it because I decided to stay up all night for no reason.

I think I might be having mini gender crises spills lately because I just don't get enough sleep. Maybe that would be an indication that I should GO TO BED.

Good morning and good night, as I take my p0x3d behind off to bed.
dumblemop: (lamp)
So my plan was to have the entry about the teaching thing, and then write an entry about what I've been doing the last couple of days, and then I think there was supposed to be another entry but I can't remember what it was supposed to be for.

So I'm just going to write for awhile because I'm a little bit distracted because I'm here and everyone else is there. So the little tidbits I am getting are getting into my head and not getting out, making me smile and laugh in complete and utter astonishment, and I want to know more. And at the same time, I don't know if I get to know more or if it's even appropriate for me to ask. Sooo I'm just going to stew just a little bit longer and try not to let my imagination get away from me. And, you know, I miss you.

I should probably go to bed soon.

Belatedly cut for length... )
I'm not really sure where I'd intended to go with that originally, but these things never end up where I think they will. However, now I simply must go to bed because it's 3AM.
dumblemop: (lamp)
Start: 13:53

You can tell I was exhausted writing that entry because I had a "your" instead of a "you're" and I said "points" instead of "pounds."

Most of the time these days I feel fine. Sometimes missing you is so hard it's like a fist closing around my heart. Am I not being honest with myself the other times, or am I just that capricious?

My mom is freaking out today about my job prospects for the summer. Hawthorn's pre-camp staff training thing starts on the 4th and the application only went in on Friday. And Black Hawk won't look at my application until all the reference forms are in, but I'd only planned to work there the last two sessions, but I was counting on Hawthorn's staff training to give me the CPR cert I need too work for Black Hawk. My mom wanted me to look at other camps in like Minnesota but I never did, and I don't know if it's too late now. The Hawthorn/Black Hawk thing was a great plan but it really depended on me getting my applications done about a month earlier. So we'll see.

Now she wants me to look into Habitat for Humanity. Which, hey, "physical, practical work" and all that. Not that I don't want to do that, because it would probably be pretty awesome, but if anyone has any other suggestions I'd love to hear them. She'll probably want to brainstorm later. I really suck at this whole job thing. I suppose I could get an actual job at the library, shelving or check-out or something.

Yet another huge entry. )

And now I fear I'd better stop the song of elefop and telephong, because this entry is gigantic and I've been writing it all day. Also I need to find two new icons that represent the same emotions as the two I took down.

End: 20:34
dumblemop: (Default)
I'm home again, so guess what I'm doing?

That's right, I'm watching the gay channel.

I think of it as one of my guilty pleasures because I'm not entirely how I feel about the existence of a gay channel and the things it shows, but I can't stop watching it.

I find it absurdly fitting that the song that beats out Shakira's "Hips Don't Lie" for top music video of the week is a Rufus Wainwright song from the Brokeback Mountain soundtrack. Rufus seems to be the only song in there for LGBT reasons, even though they're supposed to be the top LGBT videos of the week. I guess the others are just in there for the pretty people. Well, they are pretty.

Songs and videos I am collecting from this week's NewNowNext:
"Sonido Total," The Pinker Tones
"Put Your Records On," Corinne Bailey Rae
"Is It Any Wonder," Keane
"Lola," Elefant
"Neighborhood #1," Arcade Fire
"Superstar Domestic," Glovebox
"Single," Natasha Bedingfield
"Unwritten," Natasha Bedingfield (this one was a top ten, not an N^3, but I liked it)
"Cash Machine," Hard-Fi
"Rooftops (A Liberation Broadcast)," Lostprophets

I watched a movie about a gay Canadian kid who wanted to take his boyfriend to his Catholic school's prom. Yeah, it wasn't that deep, but it was cute. On the one hand, I feel like I should be outraged by the trivialization of the issues and the cookie-cutter portrayal of good-gay vs evil-church...but on the other hand, straight people have a million cute, shallow movies about them. Why shouldn't we get a couple--do we always have to be on fucking political display? The movie also had Scott Thompson in it, which was really funny. I tried to tell Piper but I couldn't remember his name.

Haha, now they're playing the video for Dragostea Din Tei. I'm just waiting for one of those kids to get diced in the propeller blades. It's a good song though.

Cuttin' this here 'cause it's huge... )

It's 3:34 in the morning, and the movie that's on now isn't really grabbing me. Liz went to bed an hour ago but I was finally in the writing mood, so Pipe, here's your long entry, a couple hours late. Actually I was in the mood for something else but it turned into writing instead. And now that I've poured out everything in my brain, I simply must sleep.
dumblemop: (Default)
Movies I want to see:
1. Pirates of the Caribbean 2: Dead Man's Chest (Johnny, Keira, and Bill. Enough said.)
2. Kinky Boots (Come on! Chiwetel Ejiofor as a drag queen!)
3. Thank You For Smoking (This just looks hilarious. And it has Rob Lowe in it, however briefly.)
4. Take the Lead (I love dancing movies. And it's Antonio Banderas, even though it's my mother that really likes him.)
5. Art School Confidential (It's quirky, it looks funny, it's got cute girls and a cute guy, and it has John Malkovich.)
6. Happy Feet (I can't believe I have to wait until November to see this movie.)
7. Stick It (Come on, it looks cool. And Missy Peregrym is hot.)
8. Superman Returns (Kevin Spacey rocks my world, even though I'm not sure he's really a Lex Luthor. Frank Legella's getting old, but he is teh awesome.)

Movies I kind of want to see but I'm not sure if it's worth it:
1. UltraViolet (It's flashy and colorful, Catherine Zeta is hot, it looks like it has some decent action scenes...but it doesn't seem to have much of a plot or character development and I've heard that it really sucks. It's a dilemma.)
2. IdleWild (I don't know. It could be good.)

Movies which the previews are definitely all I need to see of them:
1. The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift (Saw the trailer at X-III. It was a good trailer, some really cool effects, but I do not need to see this movie.)
2. How to Eat Fried Worms ("Based on the book" my ass. The book is wonderful, and that movie's going to suck.)
3. United 93 (I already know the ending.)

You know what's odd? Cameron Bright bears a bizarre resemblance to Nicholas Hoult. Bright is in Stargate, Thank You For Smoking, and X-men III, and Hoult is in About A Boy and The Weatherman. When I saw X-men III and the trailer for Smoking, I thought it was Hoult. They've got the same mouth, the same freckles, the same facial structure, the same expressions. They're just totally unrelated.

I'm sure there are others, but it's about 7 of 8, I've been doing this for an hour, and people seem to be packing up. Then again, everyone else has a fuckload more stuff than I do.

A couple of hours ago I was totally pwning at Yahoo Graffiti. Speaking of graffiti, cool link: Graffiti.org.

It's 8AM and I wish I'd been cuddling with you all this time instead of doing pretty much nothing. But you already knew I missed you.
dumblemop: (lamp)
Cute Girl's bag is right near where I'm sitting, so she periodically comes over and rummages around in it. She's rummaging and putting on a sweatshirt. Ah, getting out another book. She's got her hair pulled back now.

I wish I could just go up to people and be like "hey, I don't know you, but hi."

She's talking to someone in a hammock on her way back to her chair. It's Steve's hammock but Steve is upstairs, so I don't know who's in it now.

Everyone's playing Unreal Tournament, but I don't know how to play and I don't want to play badly enough to learn. Well, Kristin and Steve are still upstairs and I think Mike is still up there with them.

I could get used to this laptop thing. I definitely need me one of these.

See, and I just miss you even more, because you would just go up and say hi and she'd totally fall for you too. :P

Mmm, tea.

May. 28th, 2006 12:17 am
dumblemop: (smile)
I always go from these huge ass long entries to these little short entries.

Dan actually has a great voice. It's funny that I've never heard him sing before today.

Speaking of great voices, one of the painters who's been in the house lately has a really interesting voice, but I've never actually laid eyes on him. So it's a little weird.

Just had a poking war with Steve. It was fun, but it made me forget what I actually started this entry to say.

Oh, now I remember. I sort of drew Kaitlyn and Liz having sex today. It would have turned out a lot better if I hadn't started it in pen. So it's all in pencil except the body frameworks are in pen so it looks a little weird. I'm not sure if I'll be able to get rid of them because I drew it on yellow paper. I guess if we get the scanner working again I can just scan it in black&white and take out the pen lines.

Actually, I tried to do it twice, but I'm not finished with the second one. I'm not entirely happy with the first one besides those pesky frameworks. There's something seriously wrong with my perspective in the second one, I suspect, because I periodically attempt poses that are far beyond my ability to represent accurately. Especially because the focus of the second one is a particular expression of Liz's that I knew I'd never get right when I started it. But I needed to draw something.

It's hot, though. But I should probably stop being such a freak.

Steve and Kristin are upstairs making tea. I may go commandeer some. This really isn't a very welcoming group. I miss my Freedom people.

Aaaand I miss you. But you knew that.
dumblemop: (smile)
Forgive me. Faced with
your tears, faced with your triumph,
I offer silence.

I think I need to get over myself and just stop being weird.

X-men was fun. There wasn't cuddling, but there was tea. It was: Dan, me, Stephen, Kristin, Skylar, Miles, Mike, another Dan and his friend, and two other guys who came with Miles and Mike. So we saved eleven seats in the fourth row. There was a guy a couple of rows down who could've been Miles' heavier twin. It was freaky. I swear Dan knew everyone in that theater and the other one that was playing it. Then after the movie Dan, me, Stephen, Kristin, and Skylar went back to chill in Stephen's basement for a bit at like two in the morning.

It was a good time. Dan cut his hair, so now it's really short instead of really huge. Stephen's is long these days, it was always short freshman year; he looks a little like Derrick except his hair is browner. I always forget how attractive Steve really is until I see him again. Like whoa. I definitely had a crush on him freshman year. But then again, I also had crushes on Dan, CJ, Garance, Carly, Miles, Laura, and Casey. And I only just figured out that I'm polyamorous? :P

I think I figured out why I was looking up polyamory. I'd been reading Queen of Wands, and one of the characters is polyamorous. So I think I looked it up. I think there's something a little off in my chronology though.

In other news, I fucking hate this house. I just spent basically the last two hours horribly angry for no good reason. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with this house, but something is very wrong. John feels it too. I get angry for no reason, I stay angry for no reason, I snap at the dog, I yell at my parents, I refuse to do simple things that I wouldn't mind doing at all if I were anywhere else but here. And it's worse when my parents are angry at each other, which they usually are. I just hope whoever moves in here when we leave doesn't regret it.

And it smells like salmon upstairs, but it's actually just the paint fumes pervading every cc of the air. It's making me sick.

I had one of the most surreal dreams I've ever had last night. I wanted to write about it or paint it or something, but I'm losing it by now.

Today I decided: I need a fucking haircut or I'm fucking cutting it myself. I'm getting a little bit sick of this girl phase.

I don't know what my parents' problem is. They're always down on me for something. I've been home three days and already they're yelling at me. They're stressed about all the stuff to get the house ready, I get that, but do they have to take it out on me? I haven't spent all my time on the computer, I got up at 8:30 yesterday and Wednesday even on five and seven hours of sleep, I have juice with breakfast without having to be reminded, I eat breakfast before getting on the computer, I play with the dogs, I've made plans to spend time with people. And they're still acting like I'm not doing all those things. And they don't see me at school so they don't realize that this house turns me into a totally different person.

And it's been cloudy all day so it's dark like it's later than it is.

What the fuck is wrong with me? I'm crying, and I know there's no good reason for it and I can't stop. Jesus Christ.

Part of my problem is that I miss them...but I don't really think that's allowed anymore. I mean...in one sense I really am okay with this, but in another sense it's a little like, what else could I really be? And I think that's part of why it's hard to let go.

Well...whatever. I don't know how I'm going to simultaneously get back into the Gaia guilds I've neglected and spend less time on the computer, but I'm going to try. I've got books to read, poems and songs to write, and art to create (but no scanner...damn it).

Anyway. Love to all. Sorry for all the bitchy over-contemplativeness.
dumblemop: (pout)
My mom's watching some movie...about this woman who supports her family by winning jingle contests. The Prizewinner of Defiance, Ohio. And it has Julienne Moore in it but she looks disturbingly like Rose McGowan.

Finally, I have something to do. I'm going to see X-men 3 with Dan &co at midnight. Should be good. There probably won't be any cuddling but there might be tea, and I'll get to see them all again.

I miss you. Maybe one of these days I'll actually get to talk to you.

LATER: So I realized that I hadn't sent this entry until right before I was supposed to leave. It'd just kind of been sitting there for an hour and a half while I tried in vain to catch up on Deviantart. (I managed to get through 100 of my 269 deviations.) This is why it had the default image and no mood/tags/music.

So what I really wanted to say about the Prizewinner movie and why I brought it up at all, was that one of the woman's daughters was really cute. :P Tuff, the oldest one that's living at home for most of the movie. Really adorable.
dumblemop: (lamp)
Thought I'd rearrange my journal a bit for the summer...

New colors, new layout, new icons. Two of them may qualify for "stalkerish" at this point...but I like them... *pout* Just let me know.

In other news, I finished my applications to Black Hawk and Hawthorn Hollow today, but didn't get to mail them because everyone's working on the house. So we'll see if I have a job this summer. Well, we'll see if I have these jobs this summer, because I can't just lie around the house all summer and I can't just volunteer with the summer reading program either. Should've just done them earlier, but I didn't.

It felt good to write a poem yesterday. Now if only I could write actual songs instead of just lyrics and melodies.

So, Liz graduated today.

I didn't take a shower today, and probably won't get to because they painted the doors upstairs and we can't close them. Hopefully tomorrow.

I'm exhausted. I don't really know why. And the phone keeps ringing and it's giving me a headache.

In other news, I can play Maple Leaf Rag from memory again without screwing up too much.

Meh. I probably have to go and help out around the house now.

Why do I always get angry when my mother asks me to do things? I'm not really doing anything important, she just wants me to play with Shadow a bit (who seems to be doing better, by the way) and do the dishes. But as soon as she gives me that look and tells me to get off the computer, I get all resentful and mean. I don't spend enough time at home, I guess. I slide back into the person I've been at home for the last couple of years, the person who hates her mother and has no motivation. It's not really my home, I just live here. And I don't even really live here.

This place sucks me into a hole for some reason. All my motivation disappears, I get headaches, I sleep all day, I snap at my parents. Maybe there's just so much bad energy in here from all my family's fights. I mean, we've been here five years now, and in those five years my brother has changed schools four times and tried to kill himself at least three times, my parents have started legal proceedings for divorce three times and considered it at least three additional times, my parents fight all the damn time, my dad has moved out and moved back once, two of our dogs have died and one is sick... God. If only I knew anything about space cleansing.

And the whole house is full of paint fumes.

And I miss Liz. And I was already missing Kaitlyn. At least I'm relatively sure that they're happy, because they're together, even if there's other stuff that's not exactly optimal.

*bangs head on desk* Maybe I'll feel better with some honey.

I should do something to keep myself occupied. Writing the poem was good. I'm still reading my book and I've got more after that. I should re/start my webcomic, write the GV website, translate Loveless, draw erotic art, something.

Aaaaaaagh.
dumblemop: (look)
Oh yeah.

Cute girl helped me with my stuff today.

At some point near the end, my dad decided it would be a great idea to just pile as much stuff as he could into the elevator, never mind that it took more trips than people to get it into the elevator, and then more trips again to get it out of the elevator with people waiting to get in, and then more trips again to get it out to the van.

So my dad takes a suitcase and the laundry bag, and I take a suitcase and the poster bag, and we leave a little pile consisting of "Baltimore-opoly," my CD-box, the box my Easter basket came in, the box with my desk lamp in it, and the calendar pages I stole from Liz's roommates sitting in the lobby by the donation stuff. I'm lagging way behind my dad with this huge suitcase because my arm snaps at the elbow if I hold it far enough away from my body to keep it from dragging on my legs. My dad whisks his suitcase up the hill and into the van and comes back for mine when I'm halfway up the hill.

So I go back to the lobby for my little pile of boxes because it would really suck if someone decided to take my CDs in the three minutes I spent struggling with the suitcase. And I'm trying to pick up this pile and it's just not working. It's not that heavy, but I can't get my fingers under the B-opoly box to pick the whole deal up.

So this girl walks up and she asks if she can help me and I'm all "I'm fine, I just can't get my fingers under the..." when I'm thinking "whoa." She does the whole "here, let me get that for you" thing and takes the Easter box and the lamp box off the top, at which point I easily lift the game and the CDs. We sort of do the "um, well, here" dance for five seconds while she puts her two boxes on top of my two boxes. I thank her, she goes for the elevator, and I leave.

And I'm sure I'll never see her again, but she was cute. A little bit like post-hair cut Laney Boggs except blonde. Cute glasses and pretty eyes. Although I think I was only looking at her for like six seconds because cute girls tend to make me nervous. Unless I know they're younger than I am, in which case I'm all "hey..." Something I've noticed. It never really comes out when I'm a freshman, though, 'cause I'm on the bottom of every pile. If I get any of these camp jobs, please remind me not to hit on the junior counselors, 'cause they'll be all of 16 and 17.

I also think it's funny/sad that when I'm with Liz she's always the one going "hey, cute chick" and I'm never in time to see, but then I keep noticing all these girls when I'm alone and there's no Liz to share the experience with.

I've noticed that I notice far more cute girls than cute guys. Is this just because I arbitrarily like girls better, or just that I really do encounter more cute girls than cute guys?

Oh yeah, and objectification is bad, kids. Don't do it. Just say no.
dumblemop: (piggyback)
Liz sent me a link to some song lyrics just now, and I just noticed that the title of the page is in the font "Dauphin."

I used to write exclusively in Dauphin. I just had a little middle school nostalgia moment and thought I'd share.

Too bad I deleted all of that because ""robin"" wrote it.

Feh.

We were listening to Dar Williams in the car near the end of the trip and the second song on the CD is "I'll Miss You til I Meet You." I used to listen to that song every night after she stopped talking to me. I turned it into a sort of prayer that she would find the men she was looking for and forget about me. Then I stopped listening to it for a long time. It was a little bit of a shock to hear it again. The song is exactly how she used to talk about Allen. She's been there for a year; I wonder if anyone's shown up yet.

My dad played me "(Men Succeed Where Women Are) Sluts" (by Jeanne Marie Spicuzza I discover with Google) today while we were packing up. My dad surprises me sometimes. It's a great piece. I need to find more slam people.

I also need a new computer. My computer is trash and I am sick of packing, unpacking, and transporting the damn thing every year. My whole family's going Mac. At the end of winter break, I was going to get a Powerbook, a very large monitor, and a tablet. I didn't. Now my brother has a Macbook, which I haven't really looked at. It's better, but it's more expensive, so if I got the Macbook I would probably not get the monitor. I need to decide whether it's worth it and just get something already.

The house is in shambles. It doesn't really aussage my feeling of unreality. I'll need to get up relatively early (not so early in terms of school, wayyy early in terms of home) because there will be people painting the upstairs hallway and they'll need to paint the jamb of my door, and I'm not quite the exhibitionist that I really need random painters coming in on me naked. Although I didn't really have any problems when Lauren and Julie and then Chris were looking at those pictures. I'm not even sure what pictures those are...that might have had something to do with it.

I mean, hey. I'd never seen Julie before in my life, will probably never see her again, I definitely won't see Lauren again anytime soon, and Chris would probably have seen me naked eventually.

I think if Friday night hadn't gotten all unhappy there I might have had something to drink then. I was definitely toying with the idea. I'm not sure if I'm relieved or disappointed.

Shadow's asleep under the desk next to me. My poor baby.

It's funny, I'll write to no end if there's no one forcing me to do it. She used to be horribly disappointed and angry if I didn't write when I wasn't here to talk to her, but she would usually get horribly disappointed and angry with what I wrote anyway. I think it was her way of making sure that I wasn't having fun without her even by accident more than anything. I look back on some of the things I wrote and I can hardly see me in those pages. She twisted me into the scared little girl she despised.

Well...screw you.

I don't know. I guess I identify with Stephen a little bit. Kindred spirits, in a sense. Stephen's fallen in love with a straight girl, who also happens to be a bitch, but Stephen loves her just the same and won't give her any blame for this fucked-up relationship. Yeah.

Although I kind of resent the way Stephen is always being characterized, as some "queer" "creature" that isn't quite right, somehow "grotesque" even in her beauty, but somehow beautiful even in her not-right-ness, like the ugly puppy that captures your heart. And characterized this way by the author, not just in the point of view of the "normal" characters that surround her. It bothers me intensely sometimes, but I'm not really sure why.

I wish I would write things down with more consistency. I thought of some nice phrases in the car and maybe even had bits of a poem-song going but I didn't write them down and I've probably lost them.

Still can't get you out of my head--not that I'm really trying--and I miss you.

I believe I'm rambling. I should probably desist. I'm sure I'll just start another entry later.
dumblemop: (grip)
Five hours, 36 padiddles, and one honey packet later...I missed you on every one.

I haven't really been reading any friends' entries here for like...a week. I'll try and catch up with those tomorrow. Sorry guys.

I'm worried about my dog. I guess it was better that I came home today instead of Sunday, in the end, because Shadow is very sick. He ate some kind of toy that he wasn't supposed to the other day, and he's been coughing, and vomiting, and he's had X-rays, and he's been in the hospital. And this is just sickenly, disturbingly like the homecoming I had for Thanksgiving break for Buddy. I do not want to lose another dog in this house. I don't want to fucking lose another dog period.

When I came home for Thanksgiving break, Buddy had eaten...something. The vet had to open him up and found yards of cloth in his intestines, that's all he said. And we had Thanksgiving, and we had him for another day after that, and then he went to stay at the vet's overnight. And he never came home.

And Shadow seems okay, except for the coughing. He ate his dinner tonight. He's walking around, he's smiling, he's happy to see me. But Buddy seemed alright too, and then he wasn't. And I'm worried.

We lost Lucky the summer we moved here. He got...lymphoma or something, where his lungs were filling with fluid. I can't remember the details now. And we tried to keep him alive, for weeks, but in the end there wasn't anything else to do and he was in so much pain. And we took him to the animal hospital in Norwalk and the vet's assistant gave him the injection and he died in our arms on the examining room floor.

I guess I'll be crying myself to sleep tonight after all.

If Shadow's doing better by Saturday I'll probably go to Stephen's LAN party. I feel like I should have something to do that night and it'll be good to see them all again. If Shadow's not doing better I don't know what I'll be doing.

I should have given you what I wanted to give you when I went out to see you, but you probably didn't have time for it anyway. Always on the run, my Liz.

I love you. I love you. I love you.
dumblemop: (grip)
I'm...I feel like I had something to say but it's gone out of my head.

I'm at my parents' friends' house. David and Marilyn are awesome, and it's good to see my dad, since I haven't seen him in two months, but...I'd rather be cuddling.

Because my dad and them have all this history together, and they're hilarious together, but I don't really fit into it because they're all so into each other that there's not really room for me. So I usually just kind of run away and play with David's computer or check my email on Marilyn's computer. They're bonding in the kitchen. Marilyn makes killller bacon though. She also has a pen whose end is in the shape of a body outline. What is that called? I can't think of the word. Marilyn is a forensic anthropologist and David is like a genius molecular biologist or something.

I had avocado with dinner....mmmm....

I should probably save my apple juice and honey for the drive home.

And yeah, okay. Several crushes. I'm me, hey. I like people. Shhh.

I'll make sure and find some girls to corrupt. I wouldn't be living up to the position if there weren't any girls. And I like girls. So. Shutting up now.

Can't get you out of my head. Trying not to be too obvious around my dad. And yeah.

Aaaand yeah. I think that's enough of that.
dumblemop: (piggyback)
I started reading The Well of Loneliness at dinner because I've sort of been feeling this lesbian thing lately and it's wonderful. Poor little Stephen is so adorable. I'm only 30 pages into it but I love it.

Ms. Anselmo recommended it to me freshman year when she was driving me back home after an Interact meeting. I can't remember why, I wish I remembered things like this better, I don't even know why I became a lesbian anymore. I looked it up in the library but I never could find it. (And now that I'm thinking about it I think that's because it was listed in the catalog as being written by somebody named Dickson or Dickinson and it's definitely not--because I know that the author is Radclyffe Hall, but I can remember looking for the book every week in the D's. Weird.)

Anyway, so I picked it up at Pride last year for, what, twenty-five cents? And I hadn't read it yet. I finished And She Was earlier (which was really good) and didn't really want to read the stupid labyrinth book and didn't really want to carry The Tin Drum to the dining hall, so I brought this one. And I love it so far. It's--and this is an awful thing to say--really restored my faith in lesbian literature.

I say that because the last book involving lesbians I tried to read was You're Not From Around Here, Are You (that I also picked up at Pride) over winter break and I got maybe four chapters into it and couldn't finish it. I moved onto At Swim, Two Boys instead (that I also picked up at Pride, go figure), the complete opposite of the spectrum, which I loved. For some reason I was just not getting into the story.

I'm going to try to read it again when I get home, because I don't think it had anything to do with the book itself. I think I was just in a weird place, and I'm in a better place now. The last lesbian book I read before that was Annie On My Mind sometime during senior year. I really liked that one, it was cute and sad at the same time. I think I might have had trouble getting into You're Not From Around Here because I've never been a 30-something lesbian in a long-term relationship living in Ohio or somewhere trying to inseminate. I have been an adolescent with crushes on other girls, and I've had lesbian teachers.

Ah, Salot and Fran. It's been awhile since I thought of them, I wonder how they're doing. Did the school ever come through and say they could live together? I think I remember something about that just before I left. I'll have to drop by and say hi when I go up to see everyone. Salot really did have a gorgeous voice. They were amazingly circumspect about it--I don't think I would have known if I hadn't been told--I wonder if that was just the way they naturally were or they were trying to be cautious.

But then again, I've never been an adolescent in love with other boys and grown men in circa-Easter Rising Ireland. So who knows.

Anyway. I'm sleepy now but I don't want to take a nap. I think I'll listen to music and read more.

My Google Desktop is stuffed chock full of little plug-ins. It's really rather neat. I'm growing...poppies, I think. Yeah, it's a bowl of poppies that I can water and they'll bloom. There's a laundry timer, weather, words-of-the-day, daily brain teasers, to-do list, notepad, calendar...and it all conveniently slots out when you click on things. :)

Speaking of words-of-the-day, I want to work in a library for real so I can use the phrase "take him to the stacks." Actually, it would probably be "take her to the stacks," because cute girls who read are much cuter than cute boys who read, and I think it would be much hotter to secretly make out with girls in a library than boys.

Chris and Matt asked me some interesting questions last night. Matt asked me if I was jealous, Chris asked me if I would ever have sex with a boy. What I actually said to Matt was "No, I don't really get jealous. I like to watch." And while I am a criminal voyeur, that's not all of it. Why should I begrudge someone I love happiness just because I'm not the one supplying it? It just doesn't make sense to me. I love to see anyone happy, espeically people I love. Matt said he gets jealous; I'm not really sure of what; but what people are usually jealous of is the attention of their loved one(s). But, for example, when Liz turns her head and says "mm, pretty girl," that's a Lizism that I love. 'There will always be women in rubber flirting with' her. :P And I'm really glad that they've worked somet hings out. She seems more relaxed and happy, and I am always down with that. I hope Kaitlyn feels better too. Think if I wrote to her over the summer, that would be okay?

What I said to Chris was "I don't know." And really, I don't, because I haven't. And boy, do I ever love sex with girls, but I have no experience with boys. I've never even kissed a boy since kindergarten, so how am I supposed to answer the sex question? And I suppose I can try anything once as long as it's reasonably safe, but it's not really a part of my life right now. So we'll see.

So, I'm going to go read some more now.

I woke up this morning and I didn't want to get dressed but I had to go to the bathroom and I didn't know if Alison was around (turned out she was asleep until 4PM), so I had to. So I was like "I haven't worn this shirt in months and I'd kind of like to wear it. *puts it on* I'm kind of into the layering thing lately, and I haven't worn this shirt yet. *puts it on*" And I looked in the mirror, and I'd been thinking about certain things while I was waking up, and I was like "huh. You can see my nipples right through these shirts. ... Ah, fuck it. *wears them anyway*"
dumblemop: (look)
I look like people do in the movies when they have AIDS. There's still some dark stuff around my eyes because I couldn't wash it off last night, my eyes look exhausted normally anyway, and I'm sort of breaking out and I pick at my face too much so I have like four blotchy red sores on the side of my face, and I've been alternating too little sleep with too much sleep at the wrong time of day and I used up a lot of energy last night so my face is all drawn and pale. The first thing I thought when I looked in the mirror this morning to brush my hair for the CWIT meeting was "I look like I have movie AIDS" because I don't know how accurately the movies I've seen depict it.

It's weird to brush my hair again. I haven't actually had to brush it for at least a year. It's not like brushing it does any good but at least I've made the effort.

Hell. The consensus is apparently that I was hot, and I did have fun, even though my legs were shaking so badly I almost fell off the stage afterwards. Those damn shoes.

I feel like I should write something in OD but OD hates me lately and won't let me log in.

I had fucking bizarre dreams last night.

When we were walking back to the dorm, Jay and I were talking about the drag show and the whole genderqueer thing and he said I was cheating because my breasts are real. That was about a third of the reason I was a little reluctant to wear Lauren's shirt (the other two thirds were self-consciousness and I would have to shave my least favorite place to shave when I thought I would be able to get away with not doing it), but I thought about it and I'd like to maintain that a female-bodied genderfucked person wearing that is at least as "drag" as a gay man wearing a wig and a dress. It would honestly never occur to me to wear that in any other setting. So why is it cheating just because I can fill out a corset without resorting to newspaper?

And it's complicated being female-bodied in female clothes at a drag show. If you're in girl clothes, you're really a guy. If you're in guy clothes, you're really a girl. It's a little less clear-cut for me. The girl who was doing my makeup used male pronouns every time except once, and corrected herself that time, and I couldn't decipher the meaning of that because this whole binary thing means nothing to me. So I had no idea what all those faces were thinking, but I couldn't really see them anyway because of the spotlight, so who cares?

The only thing I wish I had done differently I thought of earlier today when I was playing it back in my head. There's a line, "guess how many fingers, okay!"--when I was practicing it I had been holding out fingers, but a couple of lines earlier at the actual performance I realized that isn't how you play that game. I'd been thinking like an inebriation test, not a guessing game. So when I got to that line, I put my hands behind my back and brought them out on "okay," which was much better. I don't remember how many fingers I held up, but what I should have done was bring out both middle fingers. Oh well.

I just realized, we had seven performers. Three kings, three queens, and me. Cute.

----

And I've been thinking. I can say "fuck the world" and do what I feel and have it be true, but at the same time, my perception of the world changes based on things people say and write. So I do really need honesty, whatever it is, because if I don't know the whole story I'll be out of synch with the world in a nasty way. I wasn't really sure what I was feeling until I read Liz's OD entry earlier, but now everything's alright. If she'd been wearing a tie I would have kissed her, but it would have been less an "you're amazing and I'm in love with you and I need to kiss you right now" kiss and more an "I'm going to kiss you now because the timing is right and I'm feeling brave and you look damn hot tonight and I want you but everyone here wants you and I love you and you're amazing but I know where the boundaries are and it's less of a problem every day even though I will probably never stop wanting you but you can't help that you have that effect on people" kiss. And yes, I can fit all that into a kiss--I just don't know if she would have understood all of it, and she wasn't wearing a tie, so I didn't. And now I know that for sure, after reading her entry, and it's alright. I just wasn't expecting the kiss after the show so I didn't have my guard up. But fuck having my guard up. I've never had my guard up around you, and that's part of the reason you affect me so deeply, but I refuse to run away or cheapen what we have and had by shielding from you, of all people, just because you still make my knees weak when you touch me. I'll just deal with it like everyone else does. I said I can take anything you dish out, and I mean it. And someday over the summer when I'm missing you I'll write a sex poem--no, a "fuck me or I'll fuck you" poem--and maybe get a little of this out of my system. Love, Rob. ;)

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