dumblemop: (lighthouse)
It's been a long week, and it's only Wednesday. Well, at least things haven't been boring, huh?

Apparently some people have been complaining that Trinity has been playing favorites with Jade and me--because of the whole Jade-and-Toad-are-twins-and-Trinity-is-their-mom story thing--maybe. Honestly, because all of this comes through convoluted channels so nobody knows who specifically is complaining, it's all very confusing. And upsetting. That's one thing.

The other thing is that apparently, Council has recommended/decreed that all staff be referred to as "she." We're all so pleased.

And you know, I'm not even that upset about it for myself--I was never expecting to get anything else, and although I may have gotten spoiled by getting the treatment that I prefer, I was prepared for the alternative when I took this job.

However, I am upset about it on principle. We preach safe space hard and fast around here--how can we claim that camp is a safe space for kids if it's not also safe space for the counselors? I even told Trinity that it was the single thing that made me feel most welcome, that she used male pronouns for me almost automatically. And it's ridiculous to bring it up now, because we're halfway through the sixth session. And it's ridiculous anyway. I always thought the Girl Scouts were better than the Boy Scouts--I even described it that way to someone, "it's sort of like the Boy Scouts, only much cooler." But if this is going to be their un-official official position--because it's not like they're making an official statement that gender identity is either worthless or important, either way--then I don't think I'm cool with that.

And I'd been seriously thinking that this was something I could do for awhile. Like sure, there are things I don't agree with or that I think could be done better--I'd get that anywhere. But I feel safe here. And this is something I can actually do, and it's fun and it's challenging and it's good for the kids. But if this is going to be their attitude...

And really, it does bother me for myself. Because as much as it doesn't matter which pronouns I get for most people, I think it would really bother me if certain people suddenly had to switch to female. Guess who.

And really really, it bothers me because all of this is breaking Trin's heart.

This is my life.
dumblemop: (cheese)
Okay, so a semi-real entry today, although not much of a one because it's rather late and there's stuff I have to be doing tomorrow. Stuff like getting Father's Day gifts and finishing my room.

I went to an absolutely wonderful play tonight with my parents. The Drawer Boy by Michael Healey. It has three actors, it's set in Canada, and it's beautiful. It's hilarious, and poignant, and it's real even though it's ridiculous.

Something I just remembered after reading a totally unrelated [livejournal.com profile] mialamu entry: when Ben (Liz's-new-roommate-Kate's Ben) was giving me a tour of his house, he offhandedly mentioned his Illuminati game. And I was going, I've heard that name before, but where...? and then I remembered. I played it with Lindsay and Jon and [livejournal.com profile] nimue9 and [livejournal.com profile] veganstatesbest and [livejournal.com profile] kamili and others--possibly Paul, Kayla, [livejournal.com profile] mialamu, and [livejournal.com profile] twoscoopsofruit?--the first time I was in Chapel House, maybe the second or third week of school. I remember being horribly confused by the game, and horribly awkward around people who knew each other very well but I didn't know so well, but very glad to snuggle with Kris. :) And I had totally forgotten said memory until Ben mentioned the game.

I think teaching may not be such an incomprehensible choice after all. This week at camp didn't really feel like work for some reason. I felt invincible. When she picked me up at the train station, my mother asked, "So were you just a camp counselor goddess?? :D" and I cringed--but the concept isn't that far off the mark. Not that I'm an amazing counselor, because I was totally out of my depth in dealing with some of the stuff we had, just that it seemed to fit me somehow.

I mean, I was definitely eager for my two hours of break time every day by the end of the week, but the intervening time didn't feel like work like cleaning my room or reading my Physics textbook does. I had a splitting headache Thursday afternoon and evening, but I was an energetic Toad right through it. It's frankly a little ridiculous. We'll see if I feel the same way by the end of the summer.

I feel different at camp. Bolder. At least around the kids--I'm pretty much the usual Rob around just the staff. It was really interesting watching myself subside into my regular self as I left camp on Friday. It was also interesting to hear similar things that Liz always says to me coming out of Trinity's mouth. She didn't say them like Liz does, but it was the same basic "Rob never speaks; he should speak more" concept.

Trinity is a puzzle. Not once has she used female pronouns in reference to me. And I am dead serious, not once. Like, am I that obvious? Or is she just good at recognizing the signs because of who her friends are?

There was a lot of gender stuff going on this week. I got a huge kick out of it too. I was highly amused because two of the counselors are Charm City Boys. I was asked twice to my face by campers if I was a boy, and apparently other counselors were also asked about me. And half the staff had adopted male pronouns by the end of the week after numerous "mistakes" made it obvious that I didn't mind in the least. We played the "switch with me" game Thursday night and someone called out "Switch with me if you're a girl"--so there's me, blithely not moving an inch while everyone else looks for another pair of shoes. The kids are mostly like "what the hell" and the staff are mostly "yeah, so?" about it. And I'm not the only one.

Yeah, so to all the crew who were like "Girl Scout camp? WTF?" when I told y'all about it--this is fucking awesome.

I don't really know how I feel about pronouns in general. From strangers, I'm tickled pink to get assumptions that I'm male and disappointed/annoyed as hell to get assumptions that I'm female. From friends, either one is fine, but interestingly. I don't mind female pronouns from friends like the CWIT crew; I expect it, I'm used to it, it just suits those relationships. Female pronouns from my brother don't rankle because despite my non/gender-ness I don't think we have a brotherly relationship. (My parents are a different story because it makes me feel like they don't care--which I know is ridiculous because it's my responsibility to say something if it bothers me and I haven't.) Male pronouns from the FA crew make me feel...safe. And now it's the same with camp. It's very odd. I feel protected, sheltered when people use hes instead of shes. It's a feeling like being stroked on the head.

Another thing about camp is that the lines of drama have already been drawn after three weeks of contact--but I've missed two of those weeks, so I'm not included in them. So I'm not fighting with anyone yet, as far as I know. I get all the sides because people vent to me as neutral territory. I actually like that. I'm not very good at giving feedback and I don't like it when people expect me to take sides, but I like knowing what's going on. I guess I'm just a hopeless gossip. :P

I hope the rest of the summer continues as well as the first week went, despite all of the issues there were to deal with. One thing I do know is that I'm suffering from a serious dearth of cuddling. After that intense weekend of cuddling, I was busy getting ready for camp for that week, and then busy at camp the next week, and I haven't gotten any cuddles since. Trouble did this weird thing Friday morning at flag ceremony where he sort of snuggled into my side and put his head on my shoulder--which was nice but how the hell do you react to that? And Dragonfly sort of hugged me Thursday night and I think she kissed the top of my head in the process?--which was also nice but how the hell do you react to that? But what really made me realize that I need some cuddling is that one of my campers touched my necklace because she was admiring it and I caught my breath a little because I wasn't expecting it.

I just want to curl up in a pile with someone(s) and relax. Obviously there are a few someones who are high on the list but I'll take cuddling from whoever.

I think that's about it for tonight because it's 3AM and I didn't really want to stay up so late. I'm sleepy and I shouldn't be exhausted for going back to camp--because although I go to bed earlier and get more sleep than I do here, it's not as good sleep on those damn cots. Tomorrow I will most likely be pretty busy but I think there are a few more thoughts bouncing around in here.
dumblemop: (raw1)
I'm amused: "Being poly means you never run short of people to help you beat up other people."

I got [livejournal.com profile] donewithmorals's graduation present with my dad today. I think it's awesome. I think I got sir'd (as opposed to served) by one of the employees but my dad was standing next to me so I'm not sure who it was directed at.

Then we went to Borders. Yay! We really went there to get Tess of the D'Ubervilles so I could read it at camp and have an idea of it before having it as a class. It'll make me want to read A Prayer for Owen Meany again. So I get Tess and then I wander off to look for fun books. I meet my dad at the cafe fifteen minutes later than he wanted me to with a huge stack of books:

1. A Breath of Snow and Ashes, Diana Gabaldon
This is the sixth Outlander book, and I love the series, but I decided not to read it because it's still in hardback and if I read it right away I'll have to wait forever for the next one--unless, I suppose, it ends in this book, but then it would be over anyway.
2. Lord John and the Private Matter, Diana Gabaldon
So I was going to get this one, because I <3 John Grey. I almost got this one, but I could only get two and as much as I <3 John Grey, the book's only ten bucks and I'll see it again at some point.
3. The Dragon Token, Melanie Rawn
I have been looking for this book since I first moved here. I took Dragon Prince to Japan, and then I read the next three in pretty short order, but this one has never been in the bookstore whenever I go looking for it. So I got it, since it was there.
4. Kushiel's Avatar, Jacqueline Carey
This is the third Kushiel book. I love these books but I decided not to get it because if I read the last one, that'll be the end.
5. The Crystal City, Orson Scott Card
This is the sixth and I think last book in the Alvin Maker series. I started reading them when I got the first three for my 17th birthday. I decided not to get this one because it's quite a short book and I didn't feel the urgency to get it NOW.
6. A Kiss of Shadows, Laurell K. Hamilton
I adore Anita Blake but I'd never read the faerie ones for some reason. I think I just wanted to finish the vampires before I got into faeries, even though the library had both. But Kate really got me into the idea of reading them over the weekend so I thought I'd pick it up. I decided against it because the library does have them.
7. Nightseer, Laurell K. Hamilton
I stumbled across this one in the Science Fiction/Fantasy section while looking for her other books (which were filed under Horror instead). It's her debut novel and I thought it would be neat to read it, and I'd never seen it before, but it's tiny and I wasn't really sure that her first novel would compare to the rest of them so I didn't get it. I didn't really need to read it because I didn't know what it would be like.
8. Blue Moon, Laurell K. Hamilton
This is the only Anita Blake that I haven't read yet. Everything else from Laughing Corpse to Micah I've now read, but the library doesn't have this one. I decided against it because, after all, I've waited this long to read it, I've read the story that comes afterwards, I can wait a little longer to find out what happened in Tenessee. Since I started with Obsidian Butterfly because I thought it was the first one, I'm a little curious as to the allusions made in that book (because it's the one that comes right after it), but I can wait.
9. Pagan Polyamory, Raven Kaldera
I had totally forgotten that I wanted to read his books until I stumbled across this in the Magic section. So obviously I got it.
10. A Book of Pagan Prayer, Ceisiwr Serith
I just thought this was sort of nice. However, it was 20 bucks for a little book and I wasn't sure that I would ever really use it, so I didn't get it.

So he told me I could only get two, so I decided on The Dragon Token and Pagan Polyamory after another ten minutes. I looked at the tarot case but I didn't really feel like asking anyone to look in it and anyway the packages are sealed so I just peered at them through the glass. I did notice the catalog of decks above the case so I went through and took down the names of ones that looked interesting so I could remember/locate them later.

Aaaand speaking of magic and tarot and other pagan goodies--tomorrow is Midsummer, and as usual I have nothing planned. I wonder if I can scrounge something up at least as an observance if no actual workings.

This morning my mother asked me whether I thought seven was okay for dinner and my first thought was "No, I have Freedom board."

So we went to dinner when we got back from shopping at this place in the next town over. My mom and godmother swear we went there last year--I'm willing to give them the benefit of the doubt because I may vaguely remember being there before, but it definitely wasn't at graduation. I had a Caesar salad, mashed potatoes, and cheesecake; it was really good. Decent conversation as well. The funny thing was that I was sir'd the whole evening. I did have my binder stuff on, but I didn't really think I was passing that well, especially compared to my brother, but apparently I was. All the waiters did it. It was pretty cool.

There's something in my ear. There's always something in my ear. I get these sores or something and then wax gets stuck to them, so I try to get the crustiness out of my ear but that opens the sore so it hurts. Sorry to be gross, but it's paining me.

I hate YouTube because it doesn't let me finish any videos. I wanted to watch the Daily Show episode where Jon Stewart reams Bill Bennet because I missed it on TV, but I can't watch it all the way through. I did get to watch a segment of an earlier show dealing with gay marriage which was hilarious. And now I know where those turtlefucking LJ icons come from.

I'm going to end this entry now so I can make an attempt to go to bed, because it's 1AM. I know I won't go to bed immediately, but at least this acknowledges that I should. Love to all.
dumblemop: (poxed)
Short hair again does feel weird. Because I hadn't gotten it cut since maybe...Winter break? Yeah, 'cause I only get it cut when I'm home and I wasn't home at spring break long enough to do it then. The great thing is that so far the back seems to not be puffing up like it did when I cut the mullet off (oh yeah, I guess I had cut it a little)--hopefully that won't change when I wash it again--and it doesn't flip out anymore. I'd gotten used to it longer though, so it's weird to have it short. The right side is shorter than the left side, but I like the left side better so I don't want to "fix" it.

I look like I did in fourth grade, Between my class picture and Switzerland. There's a picture of me sitting on a blanket in our front yard, glaring at the camera--it's a little like that. I usually don't notice that I resemble myself as a kid, but I really do right now. I don't look particularly masculine at the moment--more boyish, since I'm reminding myself of young me. My hair grows fast. I'll probably cut it again at least once during camp.

I totally just realized that Franka Potente is both Lola and Marie. Wow. I totally missed that one.

Anyway, going to go errand with my dad. And then...laundry? Who knows.

This is beautiful.

Huh.

Jun. 9th, 2006 01:13 am
dumblemop: (lamp)
Interesting. There's a [livejournal.com profile] transteachers community.
dumblemop: (lamp)
So my plan was to have the entry about the teaching thing, and then write an entry about what I've been doing the last couple of days, and then I think there was supposed to be another entry but I can't remember what it was supposed to be for.

So I'm just going to write for awhile because I'm a little bit distracted because I'm here and everyone else is there. So the little tidbits I am getting are getting into my head and not getting out, making me smile and laugh in complete and utter astonishment, and I want to know more. And at the same time, I don't know if I get to know more or if it's even appropriate for me to ask. Sooo I'm just going to stew just a little bit longer and try not to let my imagination get away from me. And, you know, I miss you.

I should probably go to bed soon.

Belatedly cut for length... )
I'm not really sure where I'd intended to go with that originally, but these things never end up where I think they will. However, now I simply must go to bed because it's 3AM.
dumblemop: (gender)
Can I just say this is a really hot picture? (The one way down at the bottom.)

I run across a lot of very goodlooking people on my Gaia guilds. It's really quite insane. And most of them are also pretty awesome as well as nice to look at. So it's a good deal.

I'm babbling and this post means nothing. I'm just in a weird mood I guess.

I've said a few times that I seem to be more attracted to girls than guys. Like I'm really attracted to girls and I'm largely indifferent about most guys. But something someone in a guild said has got me thinking. I'm rarely attracted to cisgendered, bio, genetic, etc guys, but there are a lot of FtMs and genderqueer-but-largely-male-identified people that I am intensely attracted to. And it's not like they look female and that's why I like them, because they don't. Pretty much all of these guys, if I didn't know, I wouldn't know. It's interesting.

It's like, bioguys I've had crushes on, I've liked them because they're funny, or sweet, or smart, or whatever. And because I like them, I can gloss over the fact that I'm not entirely sure what my position on sex with guys or that I'm not really viscerally attracted to them. With girls, androgynous people, and non-cis guys, it's a mesh of looks and personality, or I can appreciate someone who I don't know at all solely on looks. It's a little weird.

I mean, I've honestly had no sexual contact with boys. I've thought about it. Sometimes I feel like I ought to try it, sometimes I'd kind of like to try it for itself, sometimes I'm eh about it, sometimes I can't see why I ever would. I have a deep appreciation for the female body (except mine, lol), but I haven't ever experienced the male body, so who knows.

Just something I was thinking about.

And now, it's midnight, so I should probably head to bed so I can get up early and go through my room to figure out what I keep and what I get rid of.

But first...I think I'm going to do something else. O;)
dumblemop: (smile)
Forgive me. Faced with
your tears, faced with your triumph,
I offer silence.

I think I need to get over myself and just stop being weird.

X-men was fun. There wasn't cuddling, but there was tea. It was: Dan, me, Stephen, Kristin, Skylar, Miles, Mike, another Dan and his friend, and two other guys who came with Miles and Mike. So we saved eleven seats in the fourth row. There was a guy a couple of rows down who could've been Miles' heavier twin. It was freaky. I swear Dan knew everyone in that theater and the other one that was playing it. Then after the movie Dan, me, Stephen, Kristin, and Skylar went back to chill in Stephen's basement for a bit at like two in the morning.

It was a good time. Dan cut his hair, so now it's really short instead of really huge. Stephen's is long these days, it was always short freshman year; he looks a little like Derrick except his hair is browner. I always forget how attractive Steve really is until I see him again. Like whoa. I definitely had a crush on him freshman year. But then again, I also had crushes on Dan, CJ, Garance, Carly, Miles, Laura, and Casey. And I only just figured out that I'm polyamorous? :P

I think I figured out why I was looking up polyamory. I'd been reading Queen of Wands, and one of the characters is polyamorous. So I think I looked it up. I think there's something a little off in my chronology though.

In other news, I fucking hate this house. I just spent basically the last two hours horribly angry for no good reason. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with this house, but something is very wrong. John feels it too. I get angry for no reason, I stay angry for no reason, I snap at the dog, I yell at my parents, I refuse to do simple things that I wouldn't mind doing at all if I were anywhere else but here. And it's worse when my parents are angry at each other, which they usually are. I just hope whoever moves in here when we leave doesn't regret it.

And it smells like salmon upstairs, but it's actually just the paint fumes pervading every cc of the air. It's making me sick.

I had one of the most surreal dreams I've ever had last night. I wanted to write about it or paint it or something, but I'm losing it by now.

Today I decided: I need a fucking haircut or I'm fucking cutting it myself. I'm getting a little bit sick of this girl phase.

I don't know what my parents' problem is. They're always down on me for something. I've been home three days and already they're yelling at me. They're stressed about all the stuff to get the house ready, I get that, but do they have to take it out on me? I haven't spent all my time on the computer, I got up at 8:30 yesterday and Wednesday even on five and seven hours of sleep, I have juice with breakfast without having to be reminded, I eat breakfast before getting on the computer, I play with the dogs, I've made plans to spend time with people. And they're still acting like I'm not doing all those things. And they don't see me at school so they don't realize that this house turns me into a totally different person.

And it's been cloudy all day so it's dark like it's later than it is.

What the fuck is wrong with me? I'm crying, and I know there's no good reason for it and I can't stop. Jesus Christ.

Part of my problem is that I miss them...but I don't really think that's allowed anymore. I mean...in one sense I really am okay with this, but in another sense it's a little like, what else could I really be? And I think that's part of why it's hard to let go.

Well...whatever. I don't know how I'm going to simultaneously get back into the Gaia guilds I've neglected and spend less time on the computer, but I'm going to try. I've got books to read, poems and songs to write, and art to create (but no scanner...damn it).

Anyway. Love to all. Sorry for all the bitchy over-contemplativeness.

Hm.

May. 6th, 2006 03:02 pm
dumblemop: (Default)

Hello

I am

active, admirer, agender, ally, androgyne, androgynous, bigender, boi, both, brother, crossdresser, either, FTX, female-bodied, feminist, fluid, freak, furry, GLBTQIA, gay, gay-friendly, geek, gender bender, gender deviant, gender fluid, gender neutral, gender pirate, gender variant, genderfuck, genderqueer, genetic girl, gentleman, human, LGBTQIA, masculine, masochist, me, mister, mixed-gendered, multigender, neither, neutral, omnigender, omnisexual, out, pansexual, polyamorous, polysnuggler, queer, same gender loving, second, sir, sister, tomboy, transgenderist, undecided, undeclared, undefined, unspecified, versatile, wannabe, XX

What's yours?


So I may have some gaydar. I could've sworn one of the role models today was not a straight woman. I wasn't with anyone with legitimate gaydar though, so I'll never know.

More later. I'm starving because no one brought the volunteers lunch. I'm finishing up the comment list response thingers; I've done Schwenk, Johanna, Lis, Ayush and Nathan, and I have Annie and Liz left.

FUN FUN LINK:
Geoffrey Chaucer Hath a Blog - the significant entry is "To Kalamazoo, wyth Love" should it fall off the main page...pick-up lines!

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