dumblemop: (distress)
But for some reason, I have been playing this song on repeat all day, after I listened to Polyamory Weekly #119.

Also, I find it kind of funny that posting from IM has the effect of turning my LJ into a sort of extended Twitter. Since only...two people who read my LJ also follow me on Twitter, I guess I send tweets all day and don't want to repeat all of it in long form for LJ, so my LJ friends miss out.

Anyway, the movers come on Wednesday so I'm going a little crazy and my mom is yelling at me. But it'll be okay.

Whoa.

May. 22nd, 2007 04:39 pm
dumblemop: (love)
I've tried to form this tidbit into a cohesive sentence a couple times now, and I can't find the exact proper way to put it. So bear with me.

Last night, I think the concept of having kids really hit home for the first time.

Up until about last year, I never wanted them. Before the trans thing came on the scene, I didn't really see myself as a parent. No adolescent girl maternity dreams. When I played House, I was the dog. Then I realized I was trans and and was SO not about the whole birth thing--which wouldn't rule out adoption, as I don't place an emphasis on "having your own kid" over adopting (an adopted child IS your kid--if they're not, why are you a parent?), but still just...didn't want kids.

When I was trying to work out what kind of a transition I wanted, not wanting kids was a factor. I would usually come to the conclusion that I wanted to go up to but not including genital surgery--i.e., hormones, chest surgery, and hysterectomy. Ian would caution me, "Sure you don't want kids now but what if your biological clock turns on?" and "What if you have kids? You wouldn't be able to breastfeed them." My response to that was that if I was making concerted efforts to quell the effects of female hormones on my system, it would be unlikely that an urge to bear children would strike me. If I really did end up wanting kids, I would adopt. Why would I let a supposed biological imperative trump the needs of kids without a home?

But it wasn't a real thing. It was very definitely an if, and a tiered one at that. If I transitioned, and then if I really really wanted kids, I could adopt.

Something Liz said after we broke up: "Besides, can you really see yourself raising a kid with me and Kaitlyn?" And I acknowledged the probable truth of this.

I spent last summer at camp for several reasons. I loved camp as a child and was forcibly distanced from it in high school. I needed a job. I was thinking I might want to teach, and wanted to see whether I could handle even being a counselor. I ended up loving being a counselor, and I think I was a pretty good one. But there is a huge difference between taking care of a child for a week and being its parent. And the Brownie camps (the youngest girls we had) were always my last choice and I had my best weeks working with the CIT/WITs (the oldest girls we had).

Last night, as my plane flew over some unknown Milwaukee suburb, the thought came into my head, "I want a house. I want my kids to be able to play outside. I want a dog. I want woods. ...wait, back up--what?"

I wonder where it came from.

Mish-mosh

Feb. 5th, 2007 10:07 am
dumblemop: (Default)
I believe I need to scan multiple things and upload them to Deviantart in the near future. I want to finish my Stat reading first and look at the questions for next week before having to split for lunch, Involvement Fest, and choir.

I could've sworn I'd scanned my Sekhmet but I guess I hadn't. A couple people on the HoN boards said they liked it. *waves to new friends* *pets drawing* I think I will probably crop it and put the full page in Scraps and the important bit as a deviation.

I've also got some other things in my art binder that I'd forgotten about, so I will scan and post those.

I mostly goofed off yesterday, but I got to talk to the HoNers some more, finally opened up Photoshop and did some work, read for Stat, and pretty much finished the FA website.

Only problem is I'm having some trouble getting the new version to display. I FTP'd the files into a separate folder on our student orgs webspace that you wouldn't be able to get to without knowing the extension so the board could look at it before posting it for real, but the pages are just blank. It knows there's something there, because it doesn't say it can't find the file, but nothing shows up. So I don't know if it's a problem with my files or with the FTP client or what. I guess I can try to just code a normal test file in TextEdit and upload that to get some clues.

I used iWeb because I'm lazy and we needed a new website fast. Any tips would be appreciated.

The statistics book is really not that interesting. It's a class designed for scientific majors, and the introduction was like "research shows that students are more interested when working with real data rather than patently fabricated scenarios." So all the examples are things like lifetimes of lighbulbs and how many years people have owned their cars and so on. Sorry, that's not really that interesting. I've caught up on the reading though, and I'm almost done pre-reading the section we're covering on Tuesday.

That leaves reading for Philosophy, looking over the lesson in JSL some more, I should write a composition, looking for the JWL book, and reading for comp sci so I'm not totally lost on Tuesday.

I'm so happy to have proper art software again. iPhoto is fine for adjusting contrast when I take crap photos, and Preview is fine for viewing any image as well as taking screenshots, but their editing capability is just not there. *pets Photoshop* Yesterday I started work again on Crimson's commission, and when I finished touching up the lineart I realized that he never told me or I don't remember and can't read the chat logs, what colors he wanted it to be.

So I've moved onto Audi's commission and I've picked up another one for Lyrim because he will pay me. xD In Gaia gold, but still. Eventually I will probably have a list of Gaian prices and Real Money (tm) prices. I also really want to try my hand at those fursona plushies I meant to make last year but could never get to a fabric store. If Kee, Shino, and NG turn out well, (although I don't know what I'd do with the Shino one at this point), I could potentially make some money off of making them for other AFGers. Ruby also wanted me to make her an Urahara plushie and lifesize hat for her. I sent her a note on MSN asking if she still wanted it. I don't have a sewing machine so I don't know if I would be able to make the hat sturdy enough, since I was thinking I would make it out of canvas and paint it. We'll see. Guess it could be a good ice-breaking experience for Abby to teach me how to borrow her machine? xD

I've pretty much accepted this Kemetic thing by this point, but now the question becomes go along by myself as best as I can manage, or take the beginner's class at Kemet.org? I don't know. I guess I can wait four months instead of four days to get up enough courage and information to ask my parents.

My room is a mess. My parents sent me four boxes of stuff I didn't have room to bring back with me, and now I don't have room for it here. It should've been an indication to me when I wasn't going to be able to fit it in my bags. Also my mom sent more stuff than I'd asked for; some of which was nice like chocolate, some of which just clothes I'd left behind for a reason. Like my bathrobe: I have my yukata here for when I have to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night and can't be naked, and when I take a shower I just use a towel and it's much more convenient. I left the bathrobe at home so I don't have to take it back and forth with me on breaks. Also a purple sweater that I've worn twice and felt intensely uneasy in both times, and I'm pretty sure I explicitly gave it to my mother because I didn't really want it. It's a nice sweater, it's just so not me.

I don't know. Whatever. I need to get a bookshelf and more hangers. Then I can put a lot of my crap on the bookshelf, including the crap that's ontop of my dresser at the moment, and hang up my extraneous shirts that are also currently on the dresser because they won't fit in the dresser. Some of them I will probably take to Trin's place so I don't have to bring clothes back and forth as much.

My hair is actually behaving itself lately, which is amazing. It also might have something to do with the fact that now I'm washing it every two or three days and rinsing it in between, as opposed to a shedule more on the order of weeks. >_>;

I don't know why I always take such long breaks from writing in here. I used to write in it all the time. Well, especially when I was dating Liz and Kaitlyn, I guess. With those/that relationship(s) though, I just kinda put it all out there when I wrote in here, which I'm less inclined to do with Trin. I'm not really sure what the difference is, though. I'd say that Trin and I talk about a lot with each other, but Liz and I talked a lot too. I don't know.

I'd also like to get over Lindsay now, plzthnxbai. I pulled one of Trin's shirts out of the laundry bag to put in the washer, and the shirt happened to be made of the same material that all of Lindsay's peasant shirts were, and I nearly went into full blown panic--just from feeling the shirt. I also "feel bad" for things like having to do homework when Trin's around. With Lindsay I wouldn't have done it because she would've yelled at me or hurt me or done any manner of other horrible things. But it doesn't have anything to do with thinking Trin will react like that. I would just rather do homework when she's not there; but that doesn't mean I actually do which is the problem. I don't know.

I'm hungry. I'll get lunch soon. I have to man the table at noon so I'll head over a bit early and get food to eat there. I'll look for the JWL book too. After choir I'll take the bus to Trin's school. I won't make the 2:00 so I'll have to take the 3:45. Oh well, I'll get some work done I guess. I need to remember to bring blank paper with me places now--or I guess I can really start using my sketchbook finally. This'll be fun. :)

I'm not sure what else I really have to say at the moment so I guess. >_>;
dumblemop: (leash)
So I got back from Switzerland last week. It was really awesome except my brother was in bed with strep throat for about seven of the ten days we were there. But I got some cool stuff and saw amazing things. Maybe I'll post some pictures at some point. Ask me if you want stories, I'm a little tuckered out right now.

See, I just got over tonsillitis, which I was pretty much immobilized with as soon as we got back, which is why I didn't update right away. Penicillin and extra-strength Tylenol saved the day.

Trin just visited for the weekend. :D It was awesome, although fraught with interesting complications. Such as, me being contagious and in pain right when she's supposed to come and we haven't seen each other in three weeks, and her flights BOTH WAYS being canceled and rescheduled for the next day. But it was wonderful to have her here.

So now I'm alone at the house. My parents are at work, my brother went back to the east coast early (but would have gone back today anyway), and Trin is waiting at the airport for her flight because my dad needed to drop her off on his way to work. So, as usual, I'm tinkering around on the internet, and the subject of my wanderings as often of late is Sekhmet.

It's like, am I just stacking the deck at this point? Am I crazy, or making ridiculous connections? I finally got a chance to ask Trin about her Sekhmet statue--while we were in the art museum, looking at another statue of Sekhmet that we had both made a beeline for at the same instant.

So Im just mystified, awed, and don't know what to do next.

Thank god I've only got four more nights away from my girlfriend.

so....

Dec. 24th, 2006 12:45 pm
dumblemop: (love)
So I've been writing emails to Trin the past couple of days that look suspiciously like LJ entries. So although I have been in WI for several days, there have been no LJ updates because I was inadvertently sending them all to Trin--but reposting them would be ridiculous because they are private correspondance, and rewriting them would also be ridiculous.

So I'm kind of in a dilemma.

Basically, flew to WI on Friday, got set up here (my room is all boxes pretty much but I have clothes in my closets). Yesterday we went to the mall to get a last batch of presents, and it was snowing a little when we came out. I started on Trin's present (which might be finished by February) and watched Night Watch with my dad and my brother. It's a random, gruesome, yet awesome Russian vampire movie. Definitely see it if you're okay with some slightly gross and bloody stuff.

And now I should take a shower and start my day outside of my room, since I've been up for an hour and a half without emerging. I got to talk to Trin a little and that makes me happy. :)
dumblemop: (leash)
Oh boy. Talk about a whirlwhind of emotions the last couple of days.

Some news:

The main computer is not working so I'm alternately borrowing Mom's and [livejournal.com profile] donewithmorals. And I am just realizing that the smell giving me flashbacks is this laptop overheating and reminding me of Steve's LAN party all the way back at the beginning of the summer. Crazy. It seems like a year ago or just last week.

I'm home from camp, so now my task is basically pack everything up for school and WI. Camp was...camp was camp. Camp was fucking insane, camp was fucking amazing. That's really...all I have to say about that. I can't possibly tell every story, so I won't tell any. You'll have to get them from me in person if you want to know--since I talk now and all. :P

And...I met someone. And I'm happy. :) Really really happy. And she's amazing and beautiful and just a really cool person. And did I mention awesome and hot? And I had an amazing couple of days with her before I had to go back to CT.

I'm still trying to figure out how to mention it to my parents--well, my mom, because my dad's in WI. See, 'cause I don't know whether I should have the hard conversation first (Lindsay) or the nice conversation first (Trin). Or when I'll have time to have either properly.

But I did manage to use my interpersonal crisis management skills from camp to tell her that we value different information when meeting people and her reaction when I don't have the answers to all the factual questions she asks about my friends makes me uncomfortable and doesn't inspire me to get the information she wants next time. Which is a problem we've had for a long time.

See, because she asked me where Trin goes to school before we were even out of the train station and I had to say I didn't know. It's either something that never came up in a story, or I didn't think to ask, or I was told and I don't remember. She always wants to know that sort of thing and it's never the way I catalog people in my head. Like I had this whole conversation with my brother about how it's not the what, or the where, it's the why and the how that make the who. It means more to me to know the look on her face when she sees a shooting star, or how she stands up for her principles, or how she talks to a homesick kid for five minutes and manages to not only figure out what's wrong but get them to stop crying and go to sleep and have a good week and that she does it not just because it's her job but that it's her job because she cares--instead of what year she was born in, or what kind of neighborhood she lives in, or where she goes to school. The latter are things I'll pick up eventually, but they don't make Trin, Tricia.

Anyway, that was my philosophy lecture for the day. I don't really have much more to say because I have stuff to do and people to call. I'll do my best to catch up on people's entries but I know I won't be able to, so I'm sorry. Also, I found these gorgeous boots that I'm trying to convince my mom I should have--and anyone who knows me will be utterly shocked that I want them. O:P

Love to all.
dumblemop: (cheese)
It's been a long week )

Anyway. I've been writing this for two and a half hours and I don't think I have much more to say. I'm at Liz's apartment alone for the night because she's got a show and then she's spending time with her dad, which is why I'm writing this. Sorry to Liz that I signed you out.

I'll check in again during the week, and in a little bit I'll catch up on friends' entries, but for now I'm going to get off the computer and read. No comments necessary if you just don't have the energy after reading all of that--if you even made it this far. ;)

Love to all as always.
dumblemop: (infinitum)
meme )

We got my dad an iPod speaker system for Father's Day. He liked it. On the card's envelope, I put:

My dearest darlingest (Momsie and) Popsicle... (in purple cursive with flowers dotting the i's)

My dear Father... (in black print)

My dad is clueless on Wicked but I was amused.

It's totally 2AM now instead of 10:45 like when I started this entry. I left it open while I watched Batman Begins (killer movie) because I thought I had something else to day, but I guess I don't really.

I don't know. There were some things I was thinking slash worrying about a little, but I think I'm okay about them now. Really okay, not just "what, really, are my other options" okay. I think someimes I sell myself short in my relationships with other people, and sometimes I read and think too much into things. That and I am silent as the grave unless fiercely prodded. I'm working on all of those things. I did promise myself I would be braver.

That and it's partly that I'm lacking cuddles. After intense doses I tend to run down a little without them. Then I kind of write them out of my life during the drought to survive and when I get another dose I'm incredulous at what I was missing. Save me from self-isolation and people with bubbles.

I haven't used this icon in awhile. Says something, don't it? I think it's fitting at this moment though.

Tomorrow I go back to camp so communications will be few and far between again--unless I get off my ass and try this voicepost thing out. Take care, everyone. Love to all. :)
dumblemop: (raw1)
I'm amused: "Being poly means you never run short of people to help you beat up other people."

I got [livejournal.com profile] donewithmorals's graduation present with my dad today. I think it's awesome. I think I got sir'd (as opposed to served) by one of the employees but my dad was standing next to me so I'm not sure who it was directed at.

Then we went to Borders. Yay! We really went there to get Tess of the D'Ubervilles so I could read it at camp and have an idea of it before having it as a class. It'll make me want to read A Prayer for Owen Meany again. So I get Tess and then I wander off to look for fun books. I meet my dad at the cafe fifteen minutes later than he wanted me to with a huge stack of books:

1. A Breath of Snow and Ashes, Diana Gabaldon
This is the sixth Outlander book, and I love the series, but I decided not to read it because it's still in hardback and if I read it right away I'll have to wait forever for the next one--unless, I suppose, it ends in this book, but then it would be over anyway.
2. Lord John and the Private Matter, Diana Gabaldon
So I was going to get this one, because I <3 John Grey. I almost got this one, but I could only get two and as much as I <3 John Grey, the book's only ten bucks and I'll see it again at some point.
3. The Dragon Token, Melanie Rawn
I have been looking for this book since I first moved here. I took Dragon Prince to Japan, and then I read the next three in pretty short order, but this one has never been in the bookstore whenever I go looking for it. So I got it, since it was there.
4. Kushiel's Avatar, Jacqueline Carey
This is the third Kushiel book. I love these books but I decided not to get it because if I read the last one, that'll be the end.
5. The Crystal City, Orson Scott Card
This is the sixth and I think last book in the Alvin Maker series. I started reading them when I got the first three for my 17th birthday. I decided not to get this one because it's quite a short book and I didn't feel the urgency to get it NOW.
6. A Kiss of Shadows, Laurell K. Hamilton
I adore Anita Blake but I'd never read the faerie ones for some reason. I think I just wanted to finish the vampires before I got into faeries, even though the library had both. But Kate really got me into the idea of reading them over the weekend so I thought I'd pick it up. I decided against it because the library does have them.
7. Nightseer, Laurell K. Hamilton
I stumbled across this one in the Science Fiction/Fantasy section while looking for her other books (which were filed under Horror instead). It's her debut novel and I thought it would be neat to read it, and I'd never seen it before, but it's tiny and I wasn't really sure that her first novel would compare to the rest of them so I didn't get it. I didn't really need to read it because I didn't know what it would be like.
8. Blue Moon, Laurell K. Hamilton
This is the only Anita Blake that I haven't read yet. Everything else from Laughing Corpse to Micah I've now read, but the library doesn't have this one. I decided against it because, after all, I've waited this long to read it, I've read the story that comes afterwards, I can wait a little longer to find out what happened in Tenessee. Since I started with Obsidian Butterfly because I thought it was the first one, I'm a little curious as to the allusions made in that book (because it's the one that comes right after it), but I can wait.
9. Pagan Polyamory, Raven Kaldera
I had totally forgotten that I wanted to read his books until I stumbled across this in the Magic section. So obviously I got it.
10. A Book of Pagan Prayer, Ceisiwr Serith
I just thought this was sort of nice. However, it was 20 bucks for a little book and I wasn't sure that I would ever really use it, so I didn't get it.

So he told me I could only get two, so I decided on The Dragon Token and Pagan Polyamory after another ten minutes. I looked at the tarot case but I didn't really feel like asking anyone to look in it and anyway the packages are sealed so I just peered at them through the glass. I did notice the catalog of decks above the case so I went through and took down the names of ones that looked interesting so I could remember/locate them later.

Aaaand speaking of magic and tarot and other pagan goodies--tomorrow is Midsummer, and as usual I have nothing planned. I wonder if I can scrounge something up at least as an observance if no actual workings.

This morning my mother asked me whether I thought seven was okay for dinner and my first thought was "No, I have Freedom board."

So we went to dinner when we got back from shopping at this place in the next town over. My mom and godmother swear we went there last year--I'm willing to give them the benefit of the doubt because I may vaguely remember being there before, but it definitely wasn't at graduation. I had a Caesar salad, mashed potatoes, and cheesecake; it was really good. Decent conversation as well. The funny thing was that I was sir'd the whole evening. I did have my binder stuff on, but I didn't really think I was passing that well, especially compared to my brother, but apparently I was. All the waiters did it. It was pretty cool.

There's something in my ear. There's always something in my ear. I get these sores or something and then wax gets stuck to them, so I try to get the crustiness out of my ear but that opens the sore so it hurts. Sorry to be gross, but it's paining me.

I hate YouTube because it doesn't let me finish any videos. I wanted to watch the Daily Show episode where Jon Stewart reams Bill Bennet because I missed it on TV, but I can't watch it all the way through. I did get to watch a segment of an earlier show dealing with gay marriage which was hilarious. And now I know where those turtlefucking LJ icons come from.

I'm going to end this entry now so I can make an attempt to go to bed, because it's 1AM. I know I won't go to bed immediately, but at least this acknowledges that I should. Love to all.
dumblemop: (kaylee)
Memes and stuff )

Various musings and ruminations )

The rest of the Baltimore trip )

I started this entry at 8:08PM, and it's now 2:40AM. My mom and my godmother are in and asleep, and my dad is asleep on the couch. So I should probably go to bed.

I do have to say one thing: That this better not be the last time we all spend together. Matt sent out a link to the Freedom officers' page because he wants something similar from this board, and there's everyone being special and beautiful and I really miss you guys. I love you all. I have all these wonderful memories now and I need to renew them periodically. Okay??? Love, Rob.

There are some things I feel like discussing or at least musing about but I'm not entirely sure that it's necessary or advisable to do it in the pretty much public forum that is my LJ. Because they're things that I should think about and work out, and although I like to be open-book at least as far as writing goes, but...I'm not sure that really applies.

I'm always struck when people observe things about me because I'm so used to being the observer. It's...interesting I guess.

Chole made my night with this )

That's it, I either need an IM service that will save conversations automatically or I'm just starting saving everyone's myself because you all are so awesome and I am so lucky to know you. I don't count this year a waste because I've made these connections and I had a hell of a grand time. I regret the difficulties losing my scholarship will probably create for my family, but we'll deal with it; I really believe that I did what I needed to do.

My mom didn't hate my hair after all. She said it was cute. I'm not sure it really qualifies as cute, more...odd. My hair before I cut it was probably cute--Tiara said so--but I was getting a little sick of it long and I hadn't made a decision to grow it out because...that would just be weird, I think. I have trouble differentiating between what works great on other people and what works for me. Like I love long hair on other people (witness Kaitlyn, Kate, Amy, Cute LAN Girl/Allison--and there was a really cute chick across and one up from me on the train for awhile with long hair that was sort of the color of mine but with lighter highlights and it was really fine) but long hair on me doesn't work that great and it's a pain to deal with, etc. And there's a lot more like that.

Not that I don't like short or medium hair, because obviously I do (witness Liz, Chole, Johanna, Anna, Monique, Tiara, every androgynous chick ever). I think I'm people-sexual. Like I really am pan-omni-whatever because I don't really have a type and I have the capacity to be attracted to all kinds of people, but if I'm attracted to a person as opposed to just a fleeting image, aspects that I might not jump at in a stranger are intensely attractive. I feel like that's unusual in some way--like most people have something(s) about their various persons of affection that they're not really into, and I haven't really noticed that.

There's probably more that I have to say but I'll have to say it another time. I'm not sure how much I'll be on the next couple days because of packing for camp (and college because my parents thing two weeks between camp and class isn't enough), [livejournal.com profile] donewithmorals' graduation, my godmother being here, etc., but I'll try to slip in a few entries even if I'm not available for long conversations on AIM. Don't forget to leave your address here if you want letters from me at camp.

I know this entry is hella long so don't worry about reading or responding to it. It's just here so I have a record of events and in case anyone is interested after all. Next time I see people, someone remind me not to be so...strained.

My dad is hella snoring on the couch so I'm going to wake him up so he can actually go to sleep. Love to all. (Seriously.)

La...

Jun. 11th, 2006 09:27 pm
dumblemop: (leash)
What I did today:

Woke up (reluctantly).
Ate breakfast (cereal).
Took Shadow to the dogpark (there was a border collie there).
Had lunch (sort of).
Worked on the Fuller application (sort of).
Recorded myself singing harmony with myself ("Today," "Song of the Soul," and "House at Pooh Corner").
Mowed the lawn (started the mower myself).
Ate dinner (french toast).
Talked to Liz (yay).

That's kinda it. But! I am going to Baltimore, which makes me happy.

And the season premiere of the 4400 is on tonight!! *so excited*

In other news, I can't stop listening to Wicked or stop hearing it in my head even when I'm not listening to it. And it's not even songs all the way through, I'll get one snippet of "Loathing" and then a snippet of "Thank Goodness" and then a snippet of "The Wizard and I."

*gasp* House! I didn't get to watch it on Friday because they were playing Along Came Polly three times in a row. But it's on now! (score)

Also, A Prairie Home Companion is a wonderful movie. Go see it.

Grey-eyed zombie-girl is back on TV.

supafurryanimals: hey butt, entertainz me
supafurryanimals: with commentz
supafurryanimals: because im a whore.

I need a shower.
dumblemop: (lamp)
So my plan was to have the entry about the teaching thing, and then write an entry about what I've been doing the last couple of days, and then I think there was supposed to be another entry but I can't remember what it was supposed to be for.

So I'm just going to write for awhile because I'm a little bit distracted because I'm here and everyone else is there. So the little tidbits I am getting are getting into my head and not getting out, making me smile and laugh in complete and utter astonishment, and I want to know more. And at the same time, I don't know if I get to know more or if it's even appropriate for me to ask. Sooo I'm just going to stew just a little bit longer and try not to let my imagination get away from me. And, you know, I miss you.

I should probably go to bed soon.

Belatedly cut for length... )
I'm not really sure where I'd intended to go with that originally, but these things never end up where I think they will. However, now I simply must go to bed because it's 3AM.
dumblemop: (lamp)
Start: 13:53

You can tell I was exhausted writing that entry because I had a "your" instead of a "you're" and I said "points" instead of "pounds."

Most of the time these days I feel fine. Sometimes missing you is so hard it's like a fist closing around my heart. Am I not being honest with myself the other times, or am I just that capricious?

My mom is freaking out today about my job prospects for the summer. Hawthorn's pre-camp staff training thing starts on the 4th and the application only went in on Friday. And Black Hawk won't look at my application until all the reference forms are in, but I'd only planned to work there the last two sessions, but I was counting on Hawthorn's staff training to give me the CPR cert I need too work for Black Hawk. My mom wanted me to look at other camps in like Minnesota but I never did, and I don't know if it's too late now. The Hawthorn/Black Hawk thing was a great plan but it really depended on me getting my applications done about a month earlier. So we'll see.

Now she wants me to look into Habitat for Humanity. Which, hey, "physical, practical work" and all that. Not that I don't want to do that, because it would probably be pretty awesome, but if anyone has any other suggestions I'd love to hear them. She'll probably want to brainstorm later. I really suck at this whole job thing. I suppose I could get an actual job at the library, shelving or check-out or something.

Yet another huge entry. )

And now I fear I'd better stop the song of elefop and telephong, because this entry is gigantic and I've been writing it all day. Also I need to find two new icons that represent the same emotions as the two I took down.

End: 20:34
dumblemop: (Default)
I'm home again, so guess what I'm doing?

That's right, I'm watching the gay channel.

I think of it as one of my guilty pleasures because I'm not entirely how I feel about the existence of a gay channel and the things it shows, but I can't stop watching it.

I find it absurdly fitting that the song that beats out Shakira's "Hips Don't Lie" for top music video of the week is a Rufus Wainwright song from the Brokeback Mountain soundtrack. Rufus seems to be the only song in there for LGBT reasons, even though they're supposed to be the top LGBT videos of the week. I guess the others are just in there for the pretty people. Well, they are pretty.

Songs and videos I am collecting from this week's NewNowNext:
"Sonido Total," The Pinker Tones
"Put Your Records On," Corinne Bailey Rae
"Is It Any Wonder," Keane
"Lola," Elefant
"Neighborhood #1," Arcade Fire
"Superstar Domestic," Glovebox
"Single," Natasha Bedingfield
"Unwritten," Natasha Bedingfield (this one was a top ten, not an N^3, but I liked it)
"Cash Machine," Hard-Fi
"Rooftops (A Liberation Broadcast)," Lostprophets

I watched a movie about a gay Canadian kid who wanted to take his boyfriend to his Catholic school's prom. Yeah, it wasn't that deep, but it was cute. On the one hand, I feel like I should be outraged by the trivialization of the issues and the cookie-cutter portrayal of good-gay vs evil-church...but on the other hand, straight people have a million cute, shallow movies about them. Why shouldn't we get a couple--do we always have to be on fucking political display? The movie also had Scott Thompson in it, which was really funny. I tried to tell Piper but I couldn't remember his name.

Haha, now they're playing the video for Dragostea Din Tei. I'm just waiting for one of those kids to get diced in the propeller blades. It's a good song though.

Cuttin' this here 'cause it's huge... )

It's 3:34 in the morning, and the movie that's on now isn't really grabbing me. Liz went to bed an hour ago but I was finally in the writing mood, so Pipe, here's your long entry, a couple hours late. Actually I was in the mood for something else but it turned into writing instead. And now that I've poured out everything in my brain, I simply must sleep.

Argh.

May. 26th, 2006 09:56 pm
dumblemop: (lamp)
Why does my family always have to bitch? Why do I always have to bitch about my family?

I don't like the person I am at home. I don't like not liking myself.

Argh.

And I can't stand it that the things my mother gets angry with me about most are the things I do that remind her of my dad.

I hate that dinner out with my family is my brother out with his friends, me reading a book and listening to music, my mom making pointed conversation with my dad about me just in case I can hear her, and my dad failing to choose his words carefully enough to keep my mom from blowing up at him.

And it is so terribly apt that if you look back through this entire LJ, there is not a single entry where I really, truly complain about my parents, and suddenly in the three days I've been back there are how many?

Bleh. Maybe we'll all feel better in the morning.
dumblemop: (smile)
Forgive me. Faced with
your tears, faced with your triumph,
I offer silence.

I think I need to get over myself and just stop being weird.

X-men was fun. There wasn't cuddling, but there was tea. It was: Dan, me, Stephen, Kristin, Skylar, Miles, Mike, another Dan and his friend, and two other guys who came with Miles and Mike. So we saved eleven seats in the fourth row. There was a guy a couple of rows down who could've been Miles' heavier twin. It was freaky. I swear Dan knew everyone in that theater and the other one that was playing it. Then after the movie Dan, me, Stephen, Kristin, and Skylar went back to chill in Stephen's basement for a bit at like two in the morning.

It was a good time. Dan cut his hair, so now it's really short instead of really huge. Stephen's is long these days, it was always short freshman year; he looks a little like Derrick except his hair is browner. I always forget how attractive Steve really is until I see him again. Like whoa. I definitely had a crush on him freshman year. But then again, I also had crushes on Dan, CJ, Garance, Carly, Miles, Laura, and Casey. And I only just figured out that I'm polyamorous? :P

I think I figured out why I was looking up polyamory. I'd been reading Queen of Wands, and one of the characters is polyamorous. So I think I looked it up. I think there's something a little off in my chronology though.

In other news, I fucking hate this house. I just spent basically the last two hours horribly angry for no good reason. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with this house, but something is very wrong. John feels it too. I get angry for no reason, I stay angry for no reason, I snap at the dog, I yell at my parents, I refuse to do simple things that I wouldn't mind doing at all if I were anywhere else but here. And it's worse when my parents are angry at each other, which they usually are. I just hope whoever moves in here when we leave doesn't regret it.

And it smells like salmon upstairs, but it's actually just the paint fumes pervading every cc of the air. It's making me sick.

I had one of the most surreal dreams I've ever had last night. I wanted to write about it or paint it or something, but I'm losing it by now.

Today I decided: I need a fucking haircut or I'm fucking cutting it myself. I'm getting a little bit sick of this girl phase.

I don't know what my parents' problem is. They're always down on me for something. I've been home three days and already they're yelling at me. They're stressed about all the stuff to get the house ready, I get that, but do they have to take it out on me? I haven't spent all my time on the computer, I got up at 8:30 yesterday and Wednesday even on five and seven hours of sleep, I have juice with breakfast without having to be reminded, I eat breakfast before getting on the computer, I play with the dogs, I've made plans to spend time with people. And they're still acting like I'm not doing all those things. And they don't see me at school so they don't realize that this house turns me into a totally different person.

And it's been cloudy all day so it's dark like it's later than it is.

What the fuck is wrong with me? I'm crying, and I know there's no good reason for it and I can't stop. Jesus Christ.

Part of my problem is that I miss them...but I don't really think that's allowed anymore. I mean...in one sense I really am okay with this, but in another sense it's a little like, what else could I really be? And I think that's part of why it's hard to let go.

Well...whatever. I don't know how I'm going to simultaneously get back into the Gaia guilds I've neglected and spend less time on the computer, but I'm going to try. I've got books to read, poems and songs to write, and art to create (but no scanner...damn it).

Anyway. Love to all. Sorry for all the bitchy over-contemplativeness.
dumblemop: (lamp)
Thought I'd rearrange my journal a bit for the summer...

New colors, new layout, new icons. Two of them may qualify for "stalkerish" at this point...but I like them... *pout* Just let me know.

In other news, I finished my applications to Black Hawk and Hawthorn Hollow today, but didn't get to mail them because everyone's working on the house. So we'll see if I have a job this summer. Well, we'll see if I have these jobs this summer, because I can't just lie around the house all summer and I can't just volunteer with the summer reading program either. Should've just done them earlier, but I didn't.

It felt good to write a poem yesterday. Now if only I could write actual songs instead of just lyrics and melodies.

So, Liz graduated today.

I didn't take a shower today, and probably won't get to because they painted the doors upstairs and we can't close them. Hopefully tomorrow.

I'm exhausted. I don't really know why. And the phone keeps ringing and it's giving me a headache.

In other news, I can play Maple Leaf Rag from memory again without screwing up too much.

Meh. I probably have to go and help out around the house now.

Why do I always get angry when my mother asks me to do things? I'm not really doing anything important, she just wants me to play with Shadow a bit (who seems to be doing better, by the way) and do the dishes. But as soon as she gives me that look and tells me to get off the computer, I get all resentful and mean. I don't spend enough time at home, I guess. I slide back into the person I've been at home for the last couple of years, the person who hates her mother and has no motivation. It's not really my home, I just live here. And I don't even really live here.

This place sucks me into a hole for some reason. All my motivation disappears, I get headaches, I sleep all day, I snap at my parents. Maybe there's just so much bad energy in here from all my family's fights. I mean, we've been here five years now, and in those five years my brother has changed schools four times and tried to kill himself at least three times, my parents have started legal proceedings for divorce three times and considered it at least three additional times, my parents fight all the damn time, my dad has moved out and moved back once, two of our dogs have died and one is sick... God. If only I knew anything about space cleansing.

And the whole house is full of paint fumes.

And I miss Liz. And I was already missing Kaitlyn. At least I'm relatively sure that they're happy, because they're together, even if there's other stuff that's not exactly optimal.

*bangs head on desk* Maybe I'll feel better with some honey.

I should do something to keep myself occupied. Writing the poem was good. I'm still reading my book and I've got more after that. I should re/start my webcomic, write the GV website, translate Loveless, draw erotic art, something.

Aaaaaaagh.
dumblemop: (piggyback)
Liz sent me a link to some song lyrics just now, and I just noticed that the title of the page is in the font "Dauphin."

I used to write exclusively in Dauphin. I just had a little middle school nostalgia moment and thought I'd share.

Too bad I deleted all of that because ""robin"" wrote it.

Feh.

We were listening to Dar Williams in the car near the end of the trip and the second song on the CD is "I'll Miss You til I Meet You." I used to listen to that song every night after she stopped talking to me. I turned it into a sort of prayer that she would find the men she was looking for and forget about me. Then I stopped listening to it for a long time. It was a little bit of a shock to hear it again. The song is exactly how she used to talk about Allen. She's been there for a year; I wonder if anyone's shown up yet.

My dad played me "(Men Succeed Where Women Are) Sluts" (by Jeanne Marie Spicuzza I discover with Google) today while we were packing up. My dad surprises me sometimes. It's a great piece. I need to find more slam people.

I also need a new computer. My computer is trash and I am sick of packing, unpacking, and transporting the damn thing every year. My whole family's going Mac. At the end of winter break, I was going to get a Powerbook, a very large monitor, and a tablet. I didn't. Now my brother has a Macbook, which I haven't really looked at. It's better, but it's more expensive, so if I got the Macbook I would probably not get the monitor. I need to decide whether it's worth it and just get something already.

The house is in shambles. It doesn't really aussage my feeling of unreality. I'll need to get up relatively early (not so early in terms of school, wayyy early in terms of home) because there will be people painting the upstairs hallway and they'll need to paint the jamb of my door, and I'm not quite the exhibitionist that I really need random painters coming in on me naked. Although I didn't really have any problems when Lauren and Julie and then Chris were looking at those pictures. I'm not even sure what pictures those are...that might have had something to do with it.

I mean, hey. I'd never seen Julie before in my life, will probably never see her again, I definitely won't see Lauren again anytime soon, and Chris would probably have seen me naked eventually.

I think if Friday night hadn't gotten all unhappy there I might have had something to drink then. I was definitely toying with the idea. I'm not sure if I'm relieved or disappointed.

Shadow's asleep under the desk next to me. My poor baby.

It's funny, I'll write to no end if there's no one forcing me to do it. She used to be horribly disappointed and angry if I didn't write when I wasn't here to talk to her, but she would usually get horribly disappointed and angry with what I wrote anyway. I think it was her way of making sure that I wasn't having fun without her even by accident more than anything. I look back on some of the things I wrote and I can hardly see me in those pages. She twisted me into the scared little girl she despised.

Well...screw you.

I don't know. I guess I identify with Stephen a little bit. Kindred spirits, in a sense. Stephen's fallen in love with a straight girl, who also happens to be a bitch, but Stephen loves her just the same and won't give her any blame for this fucked-up relationship. Yeah.

Although I kind of resent the way Stephen is always being characterized, as some "queer" "creature" that isn't quite right, somehow "grotesque" even in her beauty, but somehow beautiful even in her not-right-ness, like the ugly puppy that captures your heart. And characterized this way by the author, not just in the point of view of the "normal" characters that surround her. It bothers me intensely sometimes, but I'm not really sure why.

I wish I would write things down with more consistency. I thought of some nice phrases in the car and maybe even had bits of a poem-song going but I didn't write them down and I've probably lost them.

Still can't get you out of my head--not that I'm really trying--and I miss you.

I believe I'm rambling. I should probably desist. I'm sure I'll just start another entry later.
dumblemop: (grip)
I'm...I feel like I had something to say but it's gone out of my head.

I'm at my parents' friends' house. David and Marilyn are awesome, and it's good to see my dad, since I haven't seen him in two months, but...I'd rather be cuddling.

Because my dad and them have all this history together, and they're hilarious together, but I don't really fit into it because they're all so into each other that there's not really room for me. So I usually just kind of run away and play with David's computer or check my email on Marilyn's computer. They're bonding in the kitchen. Marilyn makes killller bacon though. She also has a pen whose end is in the shape of a body outline. What is that called? I can't think of the word. Marilyn is a forensic anthropologist and David is like a genius molecular biologist or something.

I had avocado with dinner....mmmm....

I should probably save my apple juice and honey for the drive home.

And yeah, okay. Several crushes. I'm me, hey. I like people. Shhh.

I'll make sure and find some girls to corrupt. I wouldn't be living up to the position if there weren't any girls. And I like girls. So. Shutting up now.

Can't get you out of my head. Trying not to be too obvious around my dad. And yeah.

Aaaand yeah. I think that's enough of that.

*grin*

May. 20th, 2006 05:33 pm
dumblemop: (grip)
I love my brother.

[16:18] John: *hug*
[16:18] John: <3
[16:18] John: if you need anything from me send up red sparks
[16:18] John: which i won't be able to see
[16:19] John: and they will probably only be in your head
[16:19] John: so...maybe thats not a good idea
[16:19] John: cheer up old chap
[16:19] John: i will make a fool of myself to make you smile when you come home

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